An Unquiet Mind
Taken from Jamison’s novel about her mind- that is a thought of many. God knows that’s how I feel. My mind is in a constant war state. Sometimes I win, more often I lose- unfortunately- I have to figure out how to quiet the berating voices I hear inside my head. And I have to figure out how to keep control of myself in times of stress. I’m realizing for the first time that I have trouble handling stress without cutting, without thinking about suicide. That bites, big time.
I just want it to end- plain and simple. There are choices as to how to end. I can go through this shitty recovery, keep cutting and keep it to myself, or die. I know what the “right” answer is. I know what the hard answer is- I know what I sometimes want to pick. One debate that rages in my head- is it chemical or environment?? If it’s both, how do you know what factors its more?
Sometimes I am so scared. I am scared of myself. Now that is something I never share with anyone. For me, I equate being scared with being weak. Ironically I am scared of being weak. That is the one thing out of everything that I don’t want to be. That and a failure. And I want to cry so badly. Sometimes I try so hard to cry and I just can’t. I wonder what would happen if I could cry, would things get better, would I stop cutting. Is that what I need to break the cycle. What will break the cycle? What will it take to quiet the mind? What will it take to win the war?
An unquiet mind: a way to live or a way to die?
