Deserving to die. What an interesting
concept. And one I unfortunately believe. I wish I could stop believing that.
I just want to go back to how things used to be. Or maybe I liked it when I
kept everything to myself. That’s when no one had to worry about me; no one
had to keep an eye on me. Of course, then I could be dead, but hmmmm…that’s
not too bad sounding. Geez, listen to me. I don’t think a normal person could
think of death that way. Pretty damn scary I guess. But that’s what I believe
sometimes.
I think I’m thinking about death too much. That can’t be healthy. Man, sometimes
I can’t stand my ho-hum thoughts! I see how my affect is and I don’t’ like it,
but I can’t force myself to change. Inside I’m one way, but I show something
else. They just don’t’ match and I can’t get them too. That is driving me nuts.
I gotta figure out how to change this.
Does anyone deserve to die? I can’t make judgments of others, but for myself,
when I start screwing up, start becoming worthless, I deserve to die. I put
undo burdens onto others, the Hell with the fact that I can’t make people think
certain ways…in my mind that’s how I feel.
Everybody gets mad at my exterior appearance, but I do too. They just can’t
understand how I have trouble showing what’s going on. And to be honest I’d
be a real drag because I’d be Depressed and introverted most likely.
Have you ever wanted to just shut down your mind? Mine is always shouting, fighting,
fighting. I just want it to be quiet for once. Will that ever happen? God, I
hope so. Or I’m screwed.
