What follows below is an excerpt from the My Story section of my website. I have
called it simply "hope" because that is what I'm trying to explain about. I talk
about how the cutting took root in my life and how to break free from it. And
finally, I talk about hope and the place it takes in trying to beat self injury.
I hope you enjoy this section and as always, if while reading you suddenly feel
unsafe, please either go back to the
Introduction or go to the
Safe Haven!
Cutting
destroyed my life and rebuilt it all at the same time. I guess I had to
lose everything to gain everything, as contradictory as that statement may
sound. For about four years I was down…depressed and not sure what to do. I had
thought about suicide numerous times, but never tried it (which is agood thing I guess!). I never pushed myself close enough to the edge to
want to get better, I guess. I was stuck in a never-ending cycle. Never
had enough to get me too bad off, never had enough to make me better. I
needed something to push me one way or another. I got that my senior year. If
you let something build up so much, someday it’s going to explode. When I
decided to cut for the first time…that pushed me further out to the edge then I
had ever been. It destroyed what little of life I had left…and then it saved me.
Sense of Self
The root of so much travesty in
life. You lose your sense of self…suddenly your left with nothing and you
question everything: why am I here on Earth, what purpose do I serve to others
etc.
There it is again Erin…go on take it.. you need to feel alive again, you need
to feel the pain…you are nothing without it.
And so the thoughts rage inside me. As if I really needed cutting and it
wasn’t a want. I know full well that cutting is a want and not a need, but
sometimes the line is so blurred I don’t know what to do. At times, when all is
silent…I hear the hushed whisper of the blade. Sometimes I’ve wanted to cut so
badly that I could almost feel the pain on my arm, or my scars would begin to
burn.
Just one more time…it won’t hurt anything…I just need it this one more time,
then I’ll be done…
Just one more time never worked for me. It was always just one more time after
one cut, ten cuts, twenty cuts. It will never be enough…that much I have
realized. If I really wanted to, I would spend the rest of my life cutting. If I
let myself go, I have no doubt my body would be covered in scars. I would never
get enough.
I wonder what the issue is though. Cutting can become a disorder after a long
while, but there is always something underneath that propels it forward. I know
I have Bipolar and whatnot, but what is driving that? What is the fundamental
problem here? Maybe that is what is eating at me…I don’t know what it is.
You’ll never be normal…it’s not in you…come on you need to cut, it’s the only
thing that can get you through this week. The blade is your old faithful
friend…it has never let you down…
If I were to really look at it, the blade really has never let me down. It has
been there when I needed it. If I want to cut, I do it and feel better, though
somewhat guilty later. If I don’t do it, I suffer a bit, but then feel stronger
later. But it’s there if I need it. Though sometimes I do get worried…sometimes
while cutting I always think I need more and more and more…that creates some
very nasty scars. And then there have been times where I have gotten really
angry while cutting and I made a bunch of anger slices…kind of ironic…I get
angry I’m cutting, so I slash up some more.
Fuck, not again…I can’t believe I did this…fuck (slash), fuck (slash),
fuck (slash)…How could I be so stupid…stupid, stupid, stupid! This is
never going to end, I’m always going to reach for this damn blade when I feel
bad…when I can’t express myself, when I just can’t do anything period!
Cutting manifests itself into your core, where the real you resides. It sits
there taunting you, telling you that you are nothing without the blade. You
can’t even make it a week without it, or a month or a year or even a few days.
Done once and hooked…forever.
But wait, we know this is not true. We can break free from its grasp. At
its worse that is exactly what it feels like- that we can never escape its pull.
But somewhere deep inside we can lay it to rest. Though at times the urges can
almost make us crazy, make us think that we cannot get past those moments
without giving in, our will can be stronger than an urge.
Here I go again…I want to do it so bad…maybe just a little cut, just something
to get through this urge- WAIT! It won’t be enough and then I’d have to start
all over again…I just can’t do that…I just can’t.
There were many times where I would think about how far I’d come and how
much I’d lose if I carried out my urges. Sure the urges would sometimes be so
powerful that I didn’t think they’d ever go away. But if you ignore it long
enough, I can guarantee that the urge will eventually subside. And you will come
out stronger in the end knowing that you made it this time…which gives hope to
the thought that you may make it the rest of the time too.
So here is my message- hope. There is hope, no matter how bad it may seem or how
down and out we all get. My last depression was the worst- I could barely get
out of bed. My counselor asked me point blank if I was going to die- I said yes.
I had written my suicide letters and had been planning it. I even chose a lethal
method that I couldn’t get out of this time- hanging. In the past I had always
chosen slicing and overdose. That’s how you know it’s serious.
But hope prevailed, love prevailed- there were people that cared- from my
counselor who let her guard down and showed me just how much
she cared, to a professor saying she’d have
enough will to live for the both of us. That’s a shocker- people care- they
really care. That kind of snapped me to attention- like, holy shit- I can be
liked…maybe I need to hold out and something will change.
You can go to bed feeling like shit, but a day can change your life.
Always hold out for that extra day. Alright, I’m done spewing out my wisdom on
hope and self injury. We can do this guys. We can beat self injury- I promise
you that. We are strong enough, we just gotta stick together and always know
there is hope. And each one of us can make a difference in this world, that I
promise you. We must reach inside and hold onto our hope.
So now I end the hope section. I hope you can take
away a sense of hope from all of this and decide to not only live another day,
but live that next day cut free. We can make it, we can do it. We have been so
badly abused, it’s time to stop the abuse. Stop the abuse to ourselves and
reliving the past. We can do it, that I promise. Please feel free to contact me
if you have any questions or need help. Nothing I like more than being able to
show someone that we don’t need self injury, that we can make it. And most
importantly, I like imparting a sense of hope. That is what keeps us going.
:-)
Enjoy the website and thanks for taking the time to read this section on hope! Take care.