Life Is Sweet

Another night, another day gone by and I’m still okay. You know... I live in wonderment every day now. To me, it’s incredible how I feel inside. So I’m happy and scared shitless at the same time. I’m so very happy because it’s been a long time coming, such a long time coming. I think back now and just realize...at some point as a little girl- I went into myself and didn’t come back until about three weeks ago. At some point a long time ago, I decided it was easier to hide and to bottle stuff up, then to show any evidence of my real self...or allow myself to feel joy. What a tragedy! What a loss! I weep for that little girl (well, figuratively, I wish literally!!). I went through life...so blindly, so darkly and I could not see the light.

Yet...here I am. Here I am. Not blind and I’ve stepped into the light. How, I don’t know for sure! And I am scared. It is scary to feel this stuff for the first time and it’s so wonderful- I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to wake up one day and be in a depression or someone to look at me and say I’m manic...I want this to be real, to be mine…to just be!

And so, I live my days out in happiness and in fear. Hopefully in time I can get rid of the fear part. The more I live life (and not survive it) the more I can believe in it hopefully. My eyes are wide open and I’m seeing the world. I’m doing things for myself that are actually fun! Most importantly...I have a life- I didn’t take it. I didn’t take it. It’s still very much here...and my eyes water at these statements. I didn’t take my life. That is a very powerful statement to me. Why? Because I was so sure that I was going to end it one day. At the very least since I was 13 years old I was convinced I was going to die. Even as I started to get treatment at 17...a part of me always felt that I was going to die young, no matter how it happened (though most likely through my own hands). Even last year and the year before when I thought I was better, some part of me felt like it was going to die.

And some part of me did...in fact- MOST of me died. The only part that remained was the part to build myself back up again…into “me.” With the ‘old’ me dying...it left the one I had banished from the land of the living. And so here I am- I did not take my life. And now…wow- how do I say this? A part of me no longer feels the need to die- I don’t feel like dying, I don’t feel any inch of me dying or wanting to die. I am 100% living. Wow...what a f***ing powerful statement for me to make. I’m LIVING...I WANT TO LIVE... I want to shout it from the rooftops. After spending so much of my life working on dying, how SWEET it is to spend my time wanting to live. Life is sweet. Life is so sweet my friends.