NOVEMBER 2003 RANTS

11-30
Back home from my grandparents and getting ready to head to bed. This has been a very good break I think. I spent time with my family and it was a very good experience, thank goodness. I think we are finally getting passed everything. I've at least learned how to deal with my mom and her quirky, sometimes irritating ways and I think they have finally gotten the message: I'm not blind anymore, and when it comes to my health, I will not back down. I think she has finally learned that I am a force to be reckoned with. I can just tell in the way her actions have been. I look at the difference...she does treat me differently ever since we pretty much had a year of arguments. So hopefully this keeps up being all good. And of course, being with my little brothers is always such a joy. And I stayed away from work, other than writing up two reports and editing something for school. That's the longest I've ever gone without doing work. It's an interesting feeling- like a "wow" I can take a vacation and the world won't fall apart. I wake up and I don't have 20 emails to read and answer. So it's been a nice breather.

And so I am headed back to college early tomorrow to get some cleaning and organizing done. One last burst of academics this coming week, then its exams. And the end of another semester. That will be a whole other rant. I just feel alright right now. Despite taking a certain Wellness Questionnaire...I still have a few things that need to be worked out pretty badly, though I was very surprised that I did do well on a few things. And most of the domains were out of the lowest category, so hurray for me. A year ago everything would have been sunk. So that's progress for ya. I have a pretty confident notion of where I need to be going. It's just getting the organization in my head to get there...and talking about issues I've yet to utter anything about, so I'll need to call on a little strength there.

But, going back to the organization in my brain- it just feels so scattered, and it always has, but I was always able to make up for it at the last minute. But now, there are so many things that need my attention that I can't do it. It's like a bomb had exploded in my brain at some point, and everything is in these pieces- so somebody tells me to do something, I'll even write it down...but if I don't do it within the next 15-30 minutes (or even sooner) I forget about it, sometimes completely. If I have organized my entire room, I can keep it that way for a few days and then slowly but surely I forget that I need to put this here, and that there etc. I'm doing a little better with class work- one notebook for everything- keep it in my backpack at all times- my backpack is my purse- everything goes in it so I don't lose it. If I don't put my keys or phone in the same place every single day, I lose them. And when I write something, I don't remember it. Like this rant. I am writing currently. If someone where to ask me tomorrow, so what did you rant about, I couldn't answer them other than- taking break, and organizing brain and doing the questionnaire. At least I think I could answer that! Ugh. So I think another key to my recovery is trying to just get my brain together, cohesive and working as one finally.

Alright, it is getting really late now and I really have some work to do tomorrow. Night all.

11-28
This rant is all about letting go as tonight was interesting. Well it was Thanksgiving (it's past midnight, so the date says 28th, but most things occurred either on the 27th or in the hours between 11-1am). Thanksgiving was great with my family etc...so it's been a wonderful break- completely away from work, cell phone and internet up to this point. New experience for me ;-) And I made it up in my mind to try to not do too much work until Saturday or Sunday. And then tonight, tonight I had to write about some letting go things.

I've written up here about my best friend, whom I've dated three times before. And he has been through heaven and hell with me...walked the walk and talked the talk and dealt with me with more patience and love than any one person should have. And I love him, more than I thought I could love anyone. And it took several things for me to realize that I could lose him and better get on the ball. He finally dated someone else who seems to care a great deal about him, but I haven't asked him for the extent of his feelings for her. And my own awakening as to the fact that there are so many options out there, and what exactly is life all about. I thought that I was going to build my life in Fredericksburg, with my work there etc. I would ultimately like to build my life in Fredericksburg along with my work- but notice ultimately. That is where I want to end up, but I may have to leave home first to get that. Meaning following my heart. I need to let go if I ever have a shot at getting him. He gave me so much of himself during our time together and I will have to prove myself to him.

In all honestly, there should be no reason for him to take me back or give me a ::cough:: fourth ::cough:: chance. But if he loves me to the extent that I think he does (from what I've seen in his eyes), then I know we can make it. And I'm willing for the first time in my life to put things on the line. To let go, to take a chance on the unstable, unsteady. Getting him would require strict boundaries with work- because my weekends will be spent going to his college and him coming to mine. I never made that sacrifice in the past. Looking into the future...he is looking at Penn. as his top choice and some other rather prestigious grad schools, which he has a great chance of getting in to. (Geography is his major)  So there would be choices there.

But most importantly, I have just realized...that I can't lose him. There is a person on this Earth that I do not want to lose, that I can't live without. There's a saying about 'don't settle for the one you can live with, but the one you can't live without.' I'm not sure exactly how you are supposed to feel when you are looking for the one you know that you can't live without- but for some reason, in my heart, through and through I just know that I can't lose him...it's a feeling I can't describe. The way I want his arms around me when I need comforting, who my thoughts turn to when I am alone and when I think of the future, he is there.

And most importantly, at least in my opinion: I cried while writing him a letter baring all (we'll see if I send it), I'm willing to open myself up and be vulnerable fully, and when I think of letting go (meaning of concrete thinking, of my stubbornness and dragging feet in stuff- i.e. he makes me want to be a better person, to want to get better etc.).

Anyway, I just had to rant about him. It's been weighing on me...a lot all the time. So I wrote about him. He's the greatest guy/man I know and just such a light in my life. So now the question remains- do I send the letter, do I bare all? Do I let him decide, or take the back seat, see how his new relationship goes, see how my health goes first and then send out the letters if things go our way? Who knows, time will tell, I'll keep you all informed! Night.

11-26
I can write again! All the sudden I just gained clarity of thought and I could keep that thought in my head. Now I just have to figure out what changed. Could be several things- I did have therapy today (surprise attack- I thought it was tomorrow, but had checked and found out it was today- oops), so maybe that triggered something, or that I finally GAVE my presentation that had been my focus for the last few days and that I'm at the cusp of Thanksgiving Break. Who knows. But I am in very good spirits, so I think I'll talk about all the things I didn't want to say in therapy.

My daily living habits are always a sore point. I struggle with that frequently...like daily, no pun intended of course ;-) I was thinking today that maybe I was overstepping myself- maybe I need to start smaller than what I wanted. I have all these changes I need to made, and I tried to attack some problems as a whole instead of breaking them down. I sorta broke them down- like Daily living has the whole sleeping, eating, exercise component, but that was the end of the breaking up. So my thoughts are as follows:

It's time to take a lesson from what I've been teaching "my kids" for the past year- breaking skills up in small pieces and build upon that. So instead of attacking sleep as a whole, what if I just picked either dedicating myself to going to bed at the same time each night for a period, until that can be stabilized, then add in the other component and work from there. For food- start with trying to eat something small for breakfast, setting an alarm on my watch for lunch, or at least some marker for that and of course dinner I can either have on campus, or sometimes I end up staying at one of my families houses for dinner. But maybe I'll just start with tackling breakfast or lunch- those are the main ones that I have trouble with. And finally, for exercising, I'm not sure what the first step is. In my mind its going to the doctor to see what's up with my shoulders-back-knee's...my back flare-up has started to subside some, but now one of my knee's is giving out, I can't sit Indian style or it becomes numb or pins/needles, same thing when laying in a bed- so that is not too normal. And I've been really taking care of them lately- stretching, sitting right etc...which I normally do, but just took the extra care recently. But so maybe get serious about seeing a doctor...and go to a swimming pool ;-) So that is my thought on those things as far as the HOW to accomplish those goals.

I was wondering about the WHY I haven't thus far been able to keep it up. Part of its due to old habits dying hard, part of it is my brain just forgetting throughout the day- which is legitimate I think. A lot of this stuff is new for me and if its not plastered onto something right in front of me or written on my hand, I'm likely to forget- thus, it's time to set my watch timer for reminders, and get post its for my car and laptop...at least until I figure out how to get my brain organized- its just like if I don't do something right away or if its not written in something I always write in to remind myself- I will forget- no matter how important it is- I hate that, makes me feel bad. But, I will try some new ways of dealing. Alright, that ends the daily living stuff....time for my deeper revelations...ooohhh ahhhhh.

Lately I've been feeling a lot of things: loneliness, sadness, anger (at times raging), hyper, agitated, happy, and scared. I was walking around my town over the weekend and ran into a few people I knew, including three prof's. One prof who knows me quite well, as far as knowing I'm going through some shit, and I had worked with her son actually that morning. So we were talking, making jokes of me wandering the streets again etc. Then she looked at me closer I guess (must have seen something in my eyes, which at that point, I wouldn't have been surprised if they were revealing or vulnerable) and asked how I was. I said I was fine, just taking a look around, since I'm mostly alone and had lived here going on three years and hadn't met my surroundings. She said something that just really hit me. It summed up what I was doing- "Finding a sense of belonging" I think were her words...which is what I was doing. I am searching for a sense of belonging.

Where do I belong? I haven't quite figured that out. I am split from my family somewhat, there is an emotional and physical distance all the way around, I have no close friends, work is kept at a professional distance for the most part, except for the one family that I consider my "family" up here, and I have academic relationships with professors, including one in particular I'm close to, and I think that about covers it for all the social contact I get- oh yeah, I talk to mental health people a lot lol. But as far as a sense of belonging... I think I'm lost right now...and that is a new feeling and one I don't like.

Which feeds into fear. Fear of the unknown for me- I can't stand that and do my best to control my surroundings...and yet things that are in my control- going to therapy, delving into stuff...stepping outside of my safety box- it leaves me feeling unstable and a bit out of control. But deep inside... I push myself, because I know its now or never...its get this shit out and together or I'm in trouble. But while that pushes, I can't help but have this other side in me that desperately wants to keep hidden...why I do not know, but it does. It's so hard for me to reveal anything.

Trust is just such an issue I guess...I fear letting go of some of my handle on that. That opening up my trust a little could lead to something bad because it pretty much always has.  But I guess that is just something I need to close my eyes and step off the ledge too. That's the thing about me...it might take me a while to get there, but you take me to the ledge and I will close my eyes and step off. It's this internal thing with me- if I can get to the edge I might as well go all the way...and that works both way too (i.e. edge of depression, might as well finish "it"). Like when I'm afraid to do something physically- parasailing, sailing (a very small fast boat- in high wind- big rush), doing the high-flier at the amusement park etc...I'm scared shitless before I do it, but I let go and just do it- I have this instant where I'm standing in the boat, or getting strapped in and I close my eyes and summon the courage and go on with it. And that is where I need to get..to this point of closing my eyes and stepping off into the uncertain territory.

And telling my stories, talking about them, digesting them, what happened, and saying the words. That needs to happen. I have decided, I think, that I will begin to write about it in a private journal. To this date, there is no spoken or written record of what happened, just the memories I carry with me through each second I live. It's time the stories were told.

The sadness I've been feeling- I see losses more clearly now than I have in a while and have really felt them and I'm hopefully taking this as a sign that my body is finally ready to cry, have a good cry. And the anger- I think comes with the territory- sometimes it just gets frustrating, all of this shit together. Especially lately, but I'm starting to get too tired to get into that, maybe another rant. I think I've covered a lot here. Oh yeah, and I'm writing this as a reminder for myself (since I go back and re-read rants)...later I'm going to post something on how I have come to view myself, and just how it has all changed from childhood, middle school, high school to now- its been quite a ride and today, after my presentation, I was hit by a notion that made me reflect. But I'm too tired to get into all of that- so tomorrow or so, hopefully you guys will here about that.

So I can write again!! More will come later...I've been without sleep for too many hours than I will admit to, so I shall retire now. Hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving, and have a good night.

11-24
Fuck, I wrote a three page rant and couldn't get out what I wanted to say. I can't stand it when I have pressure building and I can't write- it's my salvation, my escape, my way of being able to live day to day without losing my cool.

So I thought just writing would solve the problem- nope crap- same old sad ass crap that goes up here and I wanted to write what I was feeling, what I have been thinking about and couldn't get jack shit out. And so now I'm frustrated and very angry. Just thought I would post this. My eyes are seeing red and I want to punch the wall- I want the words to form like the usually do and they won't. So I'm the lucky one who is feeling the pressure build and hope that I don't snap before I can release the pressure- that's never good.

11-20
Alright, back in control, at least the emotions have been pushed back down some...((scanning myself)) yup...back in control. Guess I'm saving it for therapy tomorrow maybe? Who the hell knows with me. But I'm thinking I am headed to bed...finally a reasonable hour to sleep, and I should get seven hours of sleep if all goes well. All it took was driving myself to complete and utter physical and emotional exhaustion. Gee, is that all. But yeah, night.

11-20
Well tonight is a quiet, docile Erin. A rare thing, believe me. Normally I’m up in arms about something. I think I’ve made my body tired and exhausted enough that it’s just waving the white flag. Plus my mind is thinking hard…I think I lost a good three hours tonight doing nothing because I couldn’t focus- but the lack of focus was I think due to just thoughts rummaging through my head. I’ve recently read a book in an English class that touched me, and I was going through some books in my books shelf and just overall thoughts from this past week and stuff. My weeks seem to last so very long, like for every week I have, I have enough stuff packed in ‘em to make it seem like two weeks. That’s draining. And my moods and emotions fly back and forth faster than I can keep up and my physical abilities depend on how much advil I take. So here I am, I decided I was ready to write and see where it would lead me.

I think I want to start with the book I read, “When Rain Clouds Gather” by Bessie Head. It’s set in Africa etc. There was one character, the central character who I identified with- a man who did not trust, kept everyone at a distance (because of past) and was unable to let love in etc. But he was a generous man and would take on others burdens etc. That is a very short and abrupt description of him and does not give it the depth it needs, but I just want to get into stuff. The books good- if you get a chance- pick it up and have a read- gives some deep insights.

There were several quotes in this book which I most clearly identified with. So I guess I’ll start going through them:

“It meant that if you loved people you had to allow a complete invasion by them of your life, and he wasn’t built to face invasions of any kind. And yet, this isolation he so treasured had often been painful, because he too felt this eternal human need to share the best and worst of life with another. Thus he looked at the old woman questioningly. He wanted a few simple answers on how to live well and sanely. He wanted to undo the complexity of hatred and humiliation that had dominated his life for so long. Perhaps, he thought, her life might provide him with a few clues.”

Here- obviously- for me and love (with that coming trust and all that stuff)…hard for me to face fully…but then I find myself in isolation that eventually becomes painful because I am a person who likes to interact with others, who is a “people” person…and feels deeply the “eternal human need to share the best and worst of life with another.” When I read this I was like- yes…this is what I am looking for too!

“He might have said it was much more than torture and torment, that it was an abysmal betrayal, a howling inferno where every gesture of love and respect was repaid with the vicious, snapping jaws of the inmates of this inferno until you were forced to build a thick wall of silence between yourself and the snapping jaws. But he would throttle himself to death behind this wall because love was really a warm out flowing stream which could not be dammed up.”

This one- the imagery of the language was powerful to me…the description of how the “wall” is built…could never describe it better. That is how it feels. And why I fight so hard to keep the wall in tact at times, why my mind fights so hard. Love is a strong thing to go up against…your wall does have to be invincible I would imagine or very near it. But mostly this quote for me…gives me the visual imagery of building the wall, what it takes to build such strong walls.

“Can you look on life again with trust once it has become soiled and tainted?”

And then followed with this question- my question, my big question which I guess I’m constantly wondering and testing. Can you? Part of me says no, part of me says yes…the no is stronger still. How can it not be. When betrayal, and lies and secrets and loneliness are constant companions…that question helps hold the wall up quite well.

“He hadn’t expected anyone to tell him that generosity of mind and soul was real, and Mma-Millipede sustained this precious quality at a pitch too intense for him to endure. He could give up almost anything, and hatred might fall away from him like old scabs, but he would never stop putting people away from him. He would never let them rampage through his soul because, unlike Mma-Millipede, he had no God to clear up the rubble. He had only his own self, Makhaya, Black Dog, and that was all he trusted not to let him down.”

Another powerful passage. I sometimes too, feel the pull of wanting to let go, to trust, to let it in etc. Lasting all of a second lol. But like Makhaya, I still trust just myself to not let me down (I won’t get into my relationship with God, which I am Christian, but am firm on it being my private relationship). But, generosity of mind and soul…I have met several people along this road that have shown that to me and am thankful. I had wanted to go more into this quote…but realized you’ve got to read the book to…so I’ll leave it at that. I’ll free lance it from here- without quotes :-)

I just…I think…I’m getting myself lost again. Bare with me, this rant is going to be good, but not one of those ones where I’m typing furiously to keep up with my head. It’s just one where I’m searching in myself, I’m calm now, I’m searching the hidden parts of what’s become of me.

I’m…just tired…not that’s not right- I’m weary. It’s just a kind of tiredness inside…and a kind of disillusionment. When I finally began to get on the right track of recovery, I thought I could last longer on the straight path before I decided to hit some guardrails. I feel like a failure…and full of frustration. How hard is it to keep a proper sleep schedule, eat right and exercise, and take meds on time? You wouldn’t think it’d be too difficult. I didn’t think so. But now it’s become the mountain K2 (one of the most difficult mountains to climb, not highest, but hardest). Why can’t I get it? And the organization of my life…it’s…it’s such a mess. And being in the middle of a semester, it’s just not possible to do the reorganizing that is needed.

So…I resorted to saying “next semester…it’ll be different then, new start”…and then I started shitting, because I realized that is my habit- and that is what I always say. So then I fell prey to doubt. Can I get the hang of this all? I got so mad so many times recently- I wanted to hit a wall so bad, I came so close. Just needed to get out my rage. Self injury came across my mind way more than once. And a “to hell with it all” came up in the real early morning hours. I…I just wish …want…to be on like step three or four of my recovery than like step one, which is where I feel like I freakin’ am. Take me now, transport me to the very beginning of this semester, prior to new meds etc., and I’m pretty much in the same spot. At least in my view. Sleep is hell, though I will get a new script for my sleep meds on Friday. Eating was going well for a while there and just fell apart for a couple weeks and now I’m trying to get better at it again. Exercise- wait until I can move my back without grimacing.

I think I am very lucky my roommate is in the room currently, after that last sentence, I was ready to smack the fucking wall. That much anger is running through my veins. That’s a lot. But I better stop now- that is the wrap up of the physical shit that is going on…or I should say not going on.

Emotionally? Mentally? Hell if I know. My secrets are out. I’ve at least written about them. Guess it’s time to talk about them? You can’t imagine what the thought of that makes me feel… “Words then seem to take on terrifying proportions; they are both too powerful and completely useless. Emotions are so damned up that sadness seems annihilating, rage often feels murderous.” (sorry that quote says it all)

My trust is ravaged…that’s what happens, when you live in a world entirely within yourself, locked up for years…building a database of knowledge, of secrets, of lies…taking the hits, the abuses…and smiling, working on building the perfect exterior…and the near invincible wall to protect, to save my sanity, to keep me alive…and keep me alone. And each time I think I’ve found a way out, a way out of this prison of the mind…it inevitably leaves me back, back with the wall- only stronger and more reasons to not trust, or get to close.

And at this juncture, I don’t know where to go. This semester will be carried out with my work and school responsibilities, no social life. Two reasons- a) friends prior to hospital are gone; b) don’t trust anyone new lol. And again, same old thing- often times I have trouble with peers my own age at this juncture of life.

But talking about social stuff…that’s keeping me from the dozens of other issues lurking beneath my eyes. The eyes…which always give me away…show’s the sadness I am able to hide. And I’m sure can hid the blazing anger I can have rise up, as evidenced in this rant. That anger rarely rises up and I’m surprised it did earlier. But oh well…as you can see, I’m calmer now. Tears were also coming but have receded. See- my body is all fucked up right now. But back to my thoughts here.

Right now…I’m just feeling like…like I’m chasing something, or hoping for something to maybe…snap in my head? Something that will put me right? I know I need to let go of stuff, but let go of what? Or how to let go? I know I need to do a lot of shit- but HOW. That is my question- HOW. Do I lack effort, motivation? Am I fucking myself up? Am I a failure? Part of me feels a yes to that question because I can’t fucking get better. Here I am this is me- in shit again.

And failure…failure is middle name. I’m getting good at it. I started this semester at I think 15 credits…then 12……then 9. Every semester I’ve been here, I’ve dropped a minimum of one class, every semester! Not to mention my grades! It makes me so angry to know, to know that I am capable of more- I have to be!!! But here I am, with jack shit for grades- I hate that so much it hurts because to me it is a big symbol of my failures. Especially when I’m told over and over how intelligent I am- that’s the kicker…and forever will be etched when another psych major asked me when I was going to the psi chi (honors for psychology) inductions and I had to say I wasn’t going- and she was like why not- not realizing that I didn’t have a high enough GPA…then with my silence, it dawned on her…the look on her face said it all and it killed me. In high school grades were bad first two years like here, but pretty straight up A’s and B’s the rest of the time to make up for it, plus awards. Here- I may get some B’s and pull out an A…but no awards or clubs. I have my work outside of school. Grad school- should I kiss it good bye now?

I just see so many things I should (the hell with the “tyranny of the shoulds) be doing or able to do and not. I don’t see why the hell it’s not getting done. And it’s me not getting it done. It’s me. I am my own person and make the choices that I do. Even this fucking rant is feeling like a pity party now. ARG. I want to throw something now.

And you want to see vulnerability…right now, if you were standing in the room with me- my eyes are red and wet and blazing between sadness and anger, between wanting to cry out or slam my fist into a wall or grab a handy blade and create more scarred memories. Alone, in the dark, laptop as my solace, these words speak for me- and this is where I am vulnerable.

And tonight tears have fallen, all the way down. I am so angry, so angry that things are falling apart again…that I can’t figure out how to get better. How can I have all this knowledge, all this know-how and not be able to use it…do you have any idea what that is like??? It’s like a doctor seeing a patient dying in front of him…he can save them…but he is restrained in a strait jacket. So what is my strait jacket? What is restraining me? And when can I stop failing and start succeeding.

And how do I tell people I’m trying- I am! It’s so hard, so hard and I don’t know why. And my trying, sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s enough…or that I’m doing stuff wrong. Can anybody sense my desperation?

This is a special rant. Probably one of the most vulnerable I’ve written to date and the most emotional. I went from rage to sadness in seconds. I’m sorry if it jumps around or just goes off, I don’t care- I needed this out…because things need to change. I can’t live life like this. I can’t. It’s not like I’m looking for a miracle or a snap cure…it took a while to get this way…its going to take me a while to undue it.

But…I keep failing it seems…or is it that its an illusion- to keep me honest about my place on this earth and shake me of my notion that there’s only one path to where I will end up. And I suppose feeling anger and sadness to the degree’s I was…was a good thing.

But, in my last depression, I said that I would never go through that again…and I meant that- I will die before I go through another depression like that. That was my bottom- I refuse to go lower, which means…if life chose me, then it’s proving time…I’m tired of these trials and tribulations…I just want to feel the sun on my face longer than a two hour session with a child, or a weekend with my brothers. I want to smile out of happiness and not protectiveness and cry out of joy and sadness. I want to be able to let people in, truly let them in (ugh, hate saying that) and all that goes with that. I want a lot of things obviously.

Again- I feel…I feel so many things right now…screwed really comes to mind. Like I’m screwing myself, not doing enough, or not doing it right, or causing myself more trouble…or wondering if there is a point to all of this. I’m trying my best to keep tight rein on my control over stepping over the line and so far so good, but I see it, which is not good. And my sense of failure, phew, that has overwhelmed me, hence where some of my more vulnerable points came.

Alright, this rant is long, I’ll end it now…but could write more later tonight, we’ll see. You want to know what goes inside the head of someone struggling with recovery, and keeps slipping…here it is…and here are some thoughts that got so much emotion out of me, maybe its my weariness at the moment…my guard is temporarily lowered…let’s see if I can exploit that. Night.

11-19
It’s rant time- wahoo…not sure what to rant on…I’m actually tired of writing- can you believe it? But that is because I’ve spent a good couple hours writing an intro section to a research paper- it felt so damn good to be focusing on something…from about 10/11 till about 2:30 I was jamming- writing, and looking up stuff, checking out articles- oh man, damn it felt so good. I look at my bed and smile, with ten plus articles sitting out, notes everywhere and notes in about ten documents etc. Plus earlier from 5:00-8:30 I was entering data with a member of the team and met with the member and my prof as well then. So it was a jamming night and I’m so happy for it. It’s been a while since I’ve been that productive. I think tomorrow will be more of the same, can’t wait.

At about 2:30, I realized I was running out of steam. Eyes, just couldn’t stay focused, nor my attention. So I called it a night, checked email, responded and wrote another one. And then thought I’d rant for a bit and then try this sleep thing since I have a meeting at 9am tomorrow morning.

Last night sucked- didn’t sleep much, but did get about four hours in 5am-9am or so. I am hoping I can get more tonight. My back, still in pain, but better since I can use my bed without brothers etc lol. I ate better today as well. So today, I would rule a very good day. We’ll see how the rest of the week turns out. I put some thoughts on the back burner, to help make the day a good one and some people made irritable comments, but I shrugged them off etc.

And present group dynamics of my research group suck. Last week and this week, my friend and I have been doing all the work- there has been two forums for seniors (for grad school stuff and careers etc.) and our prof that supervises us heads it up and the other members are seniors, so of course they went. So she and I entered data last Tuesday, and she wrote a very comprehensive outline for our intro. We did have help later for about about a half hour from one other member. Then this Tuesday, she and I did data for a long while, hour and a half? And another member, was finishing writing the intro (she and another member were in charge of writing intro, instead of my friend in I, who were in charge of data). Then she helped me do some data while my friend did something else (following me). After about two hours, she left, and my friend and I briefed our prof until eight thirty, in which we found out that the intro they wrote basically sucked, was shorter than the outline and less comprehensive. So our prof pretty much asked us, since she knew writing was both of our strengths, to look at it and “revise it” some…which meant a lot of rewriting without stepping on toes. Which I think we are doing well…based on tonight.

So if you look at it- we did about 95% of data entry and now most of the writing of the Intro section to the paper. Hmmm- boy do I hate group dynamics. But, I honestly don’t care because I have enjoyed the writing, given me something to smile at and have some sense of worth in and data entry I enjoy to a point as well…it just felt good to concentrate!!! That is the biggy. I have been so frazzled and out of it and shifting attention and being able to just not focus…so it was good to have that today.

Alright, I’m done ranting…it was a good day…a very good day, so I shall go and sleep with a smile on my face…that is, until I close my eyes and…yeah you know the drill. Night.

11-18
Just needed to say fuck...a couple hours later from the rant below and sleep is almost impossible...and so is studying by this point- I can't focus worth jack shit...all I have to say is help- I'm sick of not being able to get it together. It just seems like I can't get my feet under me enough to stand up. Like, I start to get it going...and then suddenly I'm back on my knee's again or sitting down (flat on my back would be getting to crisis and hospital mode, to give you frame of reference). Right now I've got one knee on the ground, and one knee up trying to lift, but I'm feeling like it's giving out rather than up. Make sense? Not much does at this point. Other than, right now, I'm going through the motions again, trying to do what I need to do. And I'm really trying- I want to shout to people I'M TRYING. But then feel like it's not being heard or that it's not enough to be trying or something.

I watched Good Will Hunting tonight (well my roomie was lol) and I saw the scene where Will finally cries to Robin Williams his therapist...and I think I sat there more in anger than anything- I can't do that. Or rather I haven't reached that release. I don't know what it feel's like or tastes like or how it will change my life. But I feel like that is what I'm chasing and maybe its just a dream or a wish. And I should just stop wishing for that, stop reaching for it, stop wanting it...and face the reality. That right now, I'm trying my ass off to step by step put my life back together. But apparently the glue I'm using is not bonding quite right and pieces are still falling off. What now? What do you do then?

Then you say fuck, like tonight. But at this point at night, I don't know what to do- lay down and toss and turn until morning...continue to look at articles that I can't comprehend, eat sun flower seed kernels while thinking deep thoughts or find some mindless game. Another set of choices...fuck.

11-18
Well it’s been a loooong day since those ten minute rants. Phew. But they got out a lot. I just finished looking up a billion research articles for my presentation which is forming in my head better and better. And I think that the holiday weekend, I’ll leave Wed. for my parents, have Thanksgiving etc on Thursday, and then on Friday instead of driving home with my parents, I’ll get back to the dorm- I have too many projects that need completing right now. I realized today that I have not had one weekend to sit and do work in…well over a month…and back when I did…I didn’t have this much work to do!!! And my recovery was going much better than it is now. But that is for a later paragraph. School is looking better, I have a little focus back. Which I’m not surprised- you give me deadlines, give me a lot of pressure and suddenly I’m on fire and you can’t stop me. I hate that. But such is my life.

I got an email back from the prof that oversees the psych reps and as I knew internally, he was very nice in the email. And smart- he said he probably knew more than he should (deduction he said lol) and said to come on by etc. I knew he’d be nice…I was thinking about that tonight and I guess because I am not around him much and haven’t had his classes I was more guarded and because in general when I don’t know people I am hugely guarded. I just did a quick skim of what I felt toward other people right now that I know, but not very well (in a professional sense, other professors, in my work etc.) and saw a pattern- if I don’t know ‘em, I’m very hesitant, watch what I saw and when and am just overall guarded. Big surprise there…but because of that I am hesitant when I do or say things…it takes me longer to do things, like emails etc. and I get mild anxiety before I go to meetings or write emails (well sometimes massive anxiety).

Well I just wrote a long thing on both my bosses- I’ll summarize- C is the program supervisor (right over me) and P is the Executive Director.

I can’t get C to return my emails or if she does it says, ‘sounds good’ or that she’ll write me more later…but doesn’t. She is over-worked, has a lot on her mind etc. But last year she wrote waaay more emails. And I know for a fact that there are many faces of her- depending on who she is around, she acts different (with one person- smokes and drinks; another neither, another acts completely professional, another cusses and gossips etc.)…almost reminds me of me, but its more like people know different information about me rather than behavior. I know she is a sexual abuse survivor for we had several discussions about that when I was downhill and she helped answer some very important questions for me and she was in therapy in her early twenties for lots of stuff etc. She’s also highly, highly intelligent etc. But…for some reason over- time, I just can’t get her to respond or get some guidance despite her saying she will. But I don’t say anything, because I know she is over-worked, exhausted, has a mother who was dx with cancer…and currently about to move to Va (company based in Florida). So basically- BIG STRESS.

Then P- she’s an enigma. C complains a lot…rightly so- C doesn’t get weekends off for months at a time and is paid far less considering that she brings in the most money. P is also very about the business most of the time…and I don’t think she has her finger on the pulse of what’s going on here. And she definitely doesn’t know much about some of her employee’s…she gives me talks about professional stuff when I meet with her (part of my ongoing training with the company) about what to say and not to say and who to talk to etc. If she knew how much people gossiped around here…she’d shit. Even C- when P isn’t around, she’ll complain to clients about P or other things about the company. C is not the worst, I’ve met some of them- but let’s say- word gets around if you know how to ask. Though with me, the parents all agree, they can’t get jack out of me. While I hear most of it, you won’t be hearing it from me. I like to gather info…so I smile inside at P’s professional talks. I’m not the one she should be talking to. So that is P.

Between the two of them- I’m here as an island- no real professional support- I’m taking care of these kids, the parents questions, trying to defend the company I’m employed by, while at the same time taking in consideration what these parents are going through and do a hundred extra little tasks. I just sometimes feel what is the point. I do some much, but I can ONLY do so much and that drives me crazy at times. It’s hard juggling all the clients who probably think I have at least somebody backing me up considering the responsibility I have…but nope. It’s like there is all of this force- the parent, the child, the doctors, medicines, diets- how they all function, the behaviors, the therapy, the programs-all of that intermixing and pushing on…me.

End of work rant- next stop- Recovery…ooohhh big word for me. Well, to put it completely and utterly bluntly right now…it sucks on some sides and fine on others. We’ll go with bad first.

Physically: At one point for a period of like maybe three weeks…more/less? I can’t remember, but anyway- I was sleeping pretty damn well- pill at 12 or 1…or maybe 11…and I’d get up around 8 or 9 or at least round about. I could do it, I did do it. And it was nice…other than the fact that some of my work suffered I think because I couldn’t concentrate during the hours I was awake at night, so I tried to do some of it in the morning etc. Plus, I was feeling good, so I didn’t care, I decided that right now, I had other things to work on.

Well then at some point…I slid…then a little more…and then an avalanche and here I am at the bottom again. Ground zero…the beginning. No sleep for Erin. It’s 1:16am right now…despite the fact that I knew it was going to be a long night (I have two projects to complete), I ran out of my sleeping aids yesterday. And despite that- I have reversed night and day pretty badly. Or sleeping to much at times…I felt like I was in some kinda of warp. I’d just put the covers over my head and sleep and keep sleeping. Maybe an accumulation of all the years of little sleep lol.

But the problem in my head is not that I am sleeping too much or reversing stuff etc. It’s this- why can’t I fall asleep at 11, 12, 1…like a normal person…when I lay my head to go to bed- I cannot fall asleep. Not even at 3, 4am can I lay my head and fall asleep- I have to completely and utterly exhaust myself before I sleep. That is not normal I know. I just want to know why. Of all the basic functions in the body, this one went way awry.

Next awry function deals with eating…another major problem I deal with- more so in recent times than in past…but what happened for a couple days to a week or two was weird. I went a pretty long time without food other than a banana nut granola bar thing and my favorite cheese and peanut butter crackers and water (things I always have on hand). Reason: I didn’t remember to eat…and didn’t feel hungry. In all honesty, up until the point I realized what happened, I could not tell if I was hungry or not- generally I remember to eat because my stomach tells me so- I have a busy schedule, so I use that as a cue. I had none…I’d realize at midnight that I hadn’t eaten a big meal and it was weird. Occasionally I’d run to Arby’s and grab just a roast beef sandwich, but that was it. After time, not sure how much, I realized it and was pretty damn shocked. I think I went a few more days at it testing and being in tune with my stomach when I realized it…then I realized that maybe this wasn’t such a hot experiment anymore and off to grocery store and the campus center I went. So yeah- I have been eating definitely now for probably a week now or more. And water has been my main drink…well Mountain Dew in the mornings or when I get up and water the rest.

Today…I could barely get out of bed. My back and my knee…I felt like I was 65. This is not good- well I was with my bro’s and had small sleep arrangements…so that didn’t help etc. But still- I know a person at my age, should not have to take four advil to get rid of back pain. I just shouldn’t be having this pain. But I do and it makes things just a little more stress. When my parents were here briefly, I leveled with them on the back pain, said it was really, really bad- hurt when I moved my neck a certain way and I had to take Advil constantly to make the pain go away. We talked a few sentences more before my bro’s interrupted…but when they came back…their answer to my back pain was not a “hey honey, why don’t you go to the doctor,” but hey look what we bought you- it was a hand held back massager thingy- I used it once already, its not bad…but its hard to use yourself ugh. I would say this will help by reducing the pain everyday by maybe five percent tops…and not for long. And I asked for Christmas for a massage gift certificate…but still- what I need is a doctor.

Speaking of doctors. They were first curious how I was doing, I said well, I was feeling pretty level and stable for once…that I really felt things were going well. Then they asked about my psychiatrist (pdoc)…I was like what do you mean…they asked if he was on the health plan now, and I said no, I still had to fight with insurance about that and that I was going to prolly just give up on that, it’d be easier b/c eventually I will only have to see him every couple months. They asked about seeing someone on our plan- my response- hell no, I heard about him and said no way. Plus, I have a really, really good doctor. It takes a lot for me to like a doctor and I feel that he is handling my case well, so what would be the point of switching- let alone to a bad doctor. There is one pdoc on our plan in all of my town and he’s not very good. So I told them no, I was sticking to the one I had. They said, you know he’s a lot of money- and I smiled inside because yes dumbasses- I was paying the fucking bill. Then they added that even rich people don’t have doctors outside of their plans. My final answer- he’s a good doctor and in my eyes there aren’t any other choices and I choose him. End of discussion there. A lot of smart ass comments are going through my head now- to even attempt to have that discussion with me, how ridiculous- I’m a freakin college student whose job is to do therapy with children with autism, and does one case pro-bono- I don’t make a lot, but love what I do (I in all honestly don't see many other college students doing this, esp. the part about truly loving what they do and making a strong commitment to it), I have my own therapy, my back feels like its crippled with arthritis, oh and I have these things called classes and homework. And yet- I pay for medical expenses- I pay for my psychiatrist, you bet, and I pay for my therapist, absolutely- because for once I recognize the importance of my being healthy. At this point in time I’d rather be alive than dead, so if I have to spend as much money as I take in or have nothing in savings right now, than its worth it. But I laugh scorningly at my parents- If I had cancer or some other disease or thing that could leave me dead- you’d bet their ass that they would pay a good doctor to make me better and make sure I have the right meds. Even with a fucking diagnosis change, which is more biological in nature, I can’t get them to help me.

But in reality- it’s not their help I really want- it’s their acceptance or something like that- I can’t pin point it- because I can pay and would rather pay- it gives me more freedom…maybe I just want them to stop lecturing me on working too much, or lecturing me on any aspect of me…because at the end of the day…in all honesty: they don’t know anything about me. I think my father knows more about me than they do. My parents live in a fantasy world with me. The surface is the relationship, but the things that matter to me, the thoughts in my head, words on my tongue and hopes in this world- those, those they will never hear. I do know much about them…my mom still blabs her problems to me. But no…she doesn’t know a damned thing about me.

Great this rant turned out great lol. Just needed to release. I’m about ready to dive into more research articles, fun, fun, fun. I think it was last Thursday or Friday, I read through all of the journal pages I had written since Freshman year in about November…it was quite a read…many months I felt like I was reading the same thing over, and over, and over again. It wasn’t until recently they started to change. Supporting my hypothesis that I kept going in circles and it wasn’t until now that I began shoveling the new path. I just hope recent events haven’t got me moving in reverse. I have been down definitely more than ever since I started all this medication and stuff. The down hasn’t hit an up yet, well the brothers was, but it was more of an escape- I didn’t touch my laptop while they were here, which meant now email, no web searching or surfing. Just them. And now…reality.

Sorry so long, I had some pent up stuff, stuff I hadn’t shared yet for lack of time etc. The life of Erin in these words. Curious that just about none of this shit ever gets said- what is it about my mind that let’s me type these words so freely, so openly, yet cannot say these words to those in my little close tight circle of like less than five lol. How do these thoughts come to my mind every night, but sitting in a therapy room I can’t come up with much at all. I don’t get it. Is it time of day? I used to think so, but now I wonder what it is. I think I could rant in the morning. I think tomorrow morning at ten, I am going to rant on my page and see if I can do it. Maybe its because I come alive at night? Maybe its because I’ve had all day to think, or had experiences that have set me off. Often some thoughts come driving between my kids therapy sessions, or even after I’m done with them for the day, despite being physically exhaustive, my mind has been stimulated and sparked. There, that is one hypothesis. Doing therapy with “my kids” gets my mind and my thoughts to really flow. I normally then come to the dorm, hop onto email, check all twenty of them in school email, then on to yahoo email and finally aol. Then its on to website, message board for site and then a support group website for me. Then school work or kid stuff or if neither- its rant time. Anyway, so I’ve got an experiment tomorrow and Wednesday.

And right now, I have articles to read and summarize…night.

11-17
Below you will find a little poem I found on a message board called The Difference Between Strength and Courage. I loved it and wanted to share…and made me understand why various people always said I had courage…well they said strength, but always threw in courage and I wondered how I could be a courageous person when I have all these doubts, all these problems, going to counseling and telling secrets, feeling pain myself and for once perhaps letting someone in. I never knew that it was courage that lets me be loved or have my walls down. So I would say right now I have a lot of strength- never ending…and am working on some of these courage things as I still have some walls that need to come down. Check it out:

The Difference Between Strength and Courage

It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.

It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.

It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.

It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.

It takes strength to feel a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.

It takes strength to hide your own pains,
It takes courage to show them.

It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.

It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.

It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.

It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.

Oh…I do have the courage to live (most of the time)…at times it is just strength…just surviving…which leads into what I want to talk about. I have about ten minutes to shell out some thoughts- so here goes.

It’s been really rough lately in every aspect in my life- from family, friends, school, work, daily living. I am being hit on pretty much everything. Family was here at college to drop off brother’s (ages five and nine). I had a wonderful time with them for sure- best visit yet. One of my brother’s scored a jack pot at one of those games you get tickets with, so we came away with some big stuffed animals. We had cookies for breakfast one time and chocolate donut holes. We had macaroni and cheese, taco’s, popcorn and candy for dinner :-) We had so much fun and I had fun with them. I was sad to see them go. I did notice one thing. In the past, ever since I started having a decline in my mental health, my temper and irritability had gone up with them and I always felt bad about that, if I had yelled at one of them or was mad at them etc. This trip I realized that that had gone away- trust me, those two squabbled so much at times- being in the same room lol not wanting to play the same Nintendo game. But I didn’t care, I sat both down and we figured it out with out a lot of yelling other than saying their first and middle name so they knew I was serious. So that was one signal to me that I recognized to know that I am getting better.

But other parts of my life are falling apart. Sleep- hell that is so gone. Sorta. While brothers were here I went to bed around 1 or 2 and they got me up at 7:30 and then I’d lay in bed at 8:30 while they played Nintendo. Last night while I was working on some school stuff I fell asleep at 8 something, woke up at 10 something and then woke up around 4am, 6am, 9am and finally was up at 10am. Phew. All natural though. But still, what a rollercoaster. It’s like this monster I can’t control and being a college student its so hard. I couldn’t work while my brothers were here in town and I have so much to do right now, so much pressure on me right now. And being nice me…someone in needed to switch dates for our neuro psychology presentations from hers on the 25^th to mine on the 1^st. Needless to say, I haven’t done much…but her son who is in a school for emotional disturbances was receiving and award that day…I had to switch…so I have to turn on the afterburner.

And then I finally got the guts to email the advisor for the psych reps which I am apart of and told him I needed to resign or was thinking about resigning etc….he’s intimidating to me, and I feel like I failed at something. Really I’ve done a lot of work, I just can’t always attend the meetings. Anyway, will hear back later.

Shoot- ten minutes are up…I have to go- more later!!!

11-14
I’ve discovered that I need a cure for procrastination…Sometimes it is so hard to do stuff…until it culminates into this big anxiety ridden ordeal. I hate that, that is when I start to tip toward bad stuff. So right now a few things are running through my head: still need to quit this psych rep thing and deal with that issue (so much anxiety there), I have a big presentation and paper due for a class…I think I have three weeks- but much work needs to be done; I have a lot to do for my research team by Tuesday- and my little brothers will be here from Friday to Sunday…leaves Sunday and Monday evening; my side research with a prof- need to get articles and approval; always a few work things to deal with; in the back of my mind thoughts of my grades and grad school; and getting my sleeping, eating and everything else back on track.

It all just feels like a little storm cloud right now, that I know I need to just get past, but it is taking so much out of me and rendering me frozen…so then while I’m frozen, everything builds up until I have a string of days where I’m up all night to get them done, I get them done and everything works out in the end and I wonder what the anxiety was for in the first place. I wake up in an okay mood, but normally it gets worse I think.

And I’m still trying to figure out why I can literally stay up all night long and then sleep during the day…or stay up until four something and then sleep until eight and be fine or just these bizarre sleep patterns- but most glaringly is that I am NOT tired at 10, 11, 12, 1, 2, 3am…at all. So I take my pill hopefully- but what I’m gripping with is, what happens when I’m into studying, and it slips past eleven or twelve, my appt. times to take it and thus if I take it, I will sleep in past when I need to. I don’t know what to do in those situations- and those end up being some of the nights I stay up or have something weird etc.

But whatever…this is one of those nights…I am going to try and sleep, we’ll see how that works…or doesn’t. This is just me rambling and griping, because I don’t like this feeling inside right now…I think I’m just mad at myself because I can’t get some shit done. Alright- night.

11-12
Today I would consider a good day. Woke up finally in time to meet with a prof to discuss our other research project on sensory, dissociation and finally self injury. You all will be informed shortly as to the nature of it- because I'll need your help!!!

Anyway, then after that, straight to class work, work, babysitting. And a lot of thinking along the way...of course. I think I had a very good session with my counselor today, gave me a lot to think about and I went back and thought about my feelings during therapy. It pulled at the heart strings at one point. I doubt that she meant to (or knew at one point I was close to it, not sure)...we were talking about the session where I had my life on the line right after day treatment and her reaction etc. Made me want to let my guard down and I very nearly did. How did it stop...I have a little internal stopper...it keeps me secure, but I'll talk more about that later...well next paragraph's.

I can feel in a session...when she's hit an open spot. So why doesn't it break open from there? I have a fast acting sealer. Generally it's not a hole I'm aware of, thus once it's been noticed it's gone. So I guess it's the sealer I need to stop. Therapy is like a boxing or wrestling match in my head. The good side being emotion and getting better etc. It scores but is constantly having to block and dodge as blockages are thrown in its way and often it is stopped. Up to now, it's lost more fights than won. But it's slowly changing.

As I said, almost lost it again today. And when I say that, I mean there are only seconds where I'm left vulnerable before it's sealed shut. I wish I had more time to exploit it, but the fight in my head is a quick one...I feel open, bought ready to join in, in feeling sadness and then ultimately, just decided against it. I'm not sure why that particular session always at least gets to me for a little while, but thus far it has been consistent in touching me, even if for a few moments. I guess maybe it's because I know I'm not just another patient number or patient- she  genuinely does care. Just like I care about my kiddo's and then there is that one special child who could...no WILL make me cry when he talks for the very first time. Alrighty...on to next subject occupying my mind.

Stories- everyone has a story to tell. As yet I have not told mine. To me it's always been crisis- beginning of one, middle of one, recovery and then starting that all over again and again. Now we're out of that and my mind turns to topics. Okay topic: vulnerability- let's talk about it and fix it. The thought of telling a story about it- never even crossed my mind. But it makes so much sense now that I think about it.

Growing up and even now I don't tell them. In both incidences there was not good things to tell for awhile. Yeah, when I was little, I wasn't going to tell people about arguments raging in my household, how daddy broke his arm throwing a chair at a door (something like that) or how mommy cut her wrist by putting it through a glass door. Or how my brother would beat me up, smothering me, trapping me, ridiculing me and not having anyone caring. Add to it that I changed friendships every few years...stories? What are those? Sure I had good times. In the winter my friends and I made the world's largest snowball (like six feet tall) and then my daddy tried valiantly to make it the world's largest snowman...before the top split in half. Or my mom faithfully making it to every game and practice of any sport of mine.

But then later, post divorce...who was I going to tell that my mom said this, my dad said this, my brother said this and I don't know where I stand. I have a new step father and a baby brother too. Who would listen to those stories? Not my new friends I've gotten, they are too new and no offense, but born and raised in west virginia. They saw my life as something different. So I kept it to myself. My school friends as I grew to know them- I knew a bit about there life, regular life and they new my "regular" life, the one I portrayed on the outside, not the one on the inside and the one that I tried to live (you know, the perfect family one). No hurtful stories there. Not even when my cousin began "using" me or abusing me...or even the fact that no matter how I would say to either parent- no one ever stopped my brother.

And then later, the perfect life tried to transfer to a new place, a new set of friends... the beginning of the end. These friends don't even want to be friends with new people. Especially one with athletic talent. So I sat in silence not knowing why I could not be accepted, why my grades took a slight dive and why I was thrown into a deep depression. Those stories I couldn't tell to anyone. My parents only yelled at me night after night, asking why, why don't I have friends, why are my grades crap etc. And so I turned and looked and knew...now I really was alone, not even surface friends to turn to...just me and my room and thoughts of suicide every single night of my existence 

Finally I did find Christy, but I went to her first to find out an academic situation for my brother, he might have lived with us before he actually did. And I knew I could trust her, I'll get to how I knew that in a minute. So Christy it was to hear my stories first. But only a few here and there. She provided me with just KNOWING there was SOMEONE out there. You don't know what that means to someone who had NO ONE. Literally I mean no one. Though I had a guy I was longing to be with and at least be friends with, another story as well (and I didn't have him 8-10th). That one I've told, a good story. I met him in tenth grade and was in classes with me through out. Tenth grade I kept my eye on him. Eleventh grade I concocted a scheme to get his email address and found out what youth group he went to- surprise I started going as well lol. I though, decided to date someone else and hooked him up with my best friend of the time. Best move I ever made. Worst for them, they split, but he and I were closer as a result and the rest is history. But, another person that I knew was out there. Someone I could tell stories too- but didn't know how and looking back, he'd ask me for info and I'd just say, what do you want to know? He may know more now than when we dated.

So stories- I need to learn how to tell them, as I have a few I could, now my counselor wants to hear them. I've got plenty that really date back there. So stories I will learn to tell, finally, I will be rid of them. Maybe it's a burden I carry? Can not saying anything be a burden? I don't know? Would telling them help me? I don't know...but it can't hurt.

One finally note before I study neuropsychology (yeah, name says it all). My counselor wanted me to have more places where I felt place. I named like three. Then today I thought about it. It's not the place that makes it safe, it's the person I'm with. There are people that I feel safe with for sure. Not many, but a few. One obviously, counselor, Christy, best friend, another friend of mine, a professor, one of the families I do therapy for (with the nonverbal child). Those are all whom I feel safest with I would say. One thought about all these people...I just "know" from the moment I meet them that eventually they will be safe. I can't describe it, but believe me, I know from first meetings. From first meeting my guidance counselor, just had a way about her; my best friend (ex bf)- he had a way about him, sincerity, loyalty etc; professor, just knew and I was drawn to her, and our first meeting lol, all good, our personalities are a lot alike and passion for psychology; counselor, besides being the only one to return my call lol, the first session etc., secretly I knew; and finally to my "family" in Fredericksburg, just something about them and how we all relate. In all these cases- believe me I knew upon first meetings- these people are different from others. I can't remember being wrong- no I take that back...a friend from Freshman year- I think I was wrong there, juries still out on that one.

So anyway  it's a list...one that I hope will grow in time, we'll see I suppose. Anyway, I should go study now lol. But had to get all these thoughts out, my mind was/is hard at work. I leave you with the poem I wrote today:

Stories Of Your Life

Do you have stories of your life,
Telling about the woes and the strife,
Or about the happiness and joy?
I think it's safe to say,
That all these stories need to be told one day.

There's that sadness beneath your eyes.
Is it because you've emerged from those lies?
It's not an easy day when the blind fold is pulled down-
It has left you with a hard fall,
And the steel to build your almost invincible wall.

Every night you stand ready for another hell,
And awake in the morning glad that your still well.
Is it too early to start hoping it's stability?
A closer look upon your arms and emotions flare.
The scars are signs of emotions I've left bare.

Stories of my life
Were once told with just a knife.
Now these words, written and spoken, fight my demons.
Out pours my once hidden existence,
As slowly holes appear in my strong resistance,

And now here I am, this is me.
As slowly my mind becomes closer to free.
I can finally stand on my own ground,
And as my life is beginning to unfold,
I think I'm going to like these stories told.

Added stuff to the rant below:
11-9
Definition: Vulnerable, adj.

• Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

•         Susceptible to attack: “We are vulnerable both by water and land, without either fleet or army” (Alexander Hamilton).

•         Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

•         Liable to succumb, as to persuasion or temptation.

•         Games. In a position to receive greater penalties or bonuses in a hand of bridge. In a rubber, used of the pair of players who score 100 points toward game.

Definition: Knowledge

• The state or fact of knowing.
• Familiarity, awareness, or understanding gained through experience or study.
• The sum or range of what has been perceived, discovered, or learned.
• Learning; erudition: teachers of great knowledge.
• Specific information about something.

Definition: Information

• Knowledge derived from study, experience, or instruction.
• Knowledge of specific events or situations that has been gathered or received by communication; intelligence or news.
• A collection of facts or data: statistical information.
• The act of informing or the condition of being informed; communication of knowledge: Safety instructions are provided for the information of our passengers.
• Computer Science. Processed, stored, or transmitted data.
• A numerical measure of the uncertainty of an experimental outcome.

Why so many definitions you ask…because I’m going to explain them and their uses or non-usage to myself.

The first one I’ll hit is vulnerability, since that seems to be the one that is most pressing. Just looking at the definition, I see clearly why I don’t let myself be vulnerable, “susceptible to physical or emotional injury.” I have already been vulnerable to that and received injuries- why in the hell would I allow myself to be vulnerable again? I look at it like this: You stick your hand on a burner once and realize that it can burn you, thus you don’t do it again. Same here, I was vulnerable once, got hurt, thus I won’t do it again.

However, one can make the argument that for a long time I was stuck in a long set of patterns that hurt me over and over again, so I was burning myself over and over again. But as far as vulnerability…I just don’t see myself wanting to make that mistake again.

Maybe I don’t want to let any part of myself be wounded because I don’t know if I could survive being hurt. I don’t know how I would handle it, if I could make it through another depression…if I could stand having any part of myself let open for such hurt. Anyway, that is that on that :-)

 Before knowledge, I want to do information. I constantly seek information. I spend my days doing that. And it can be on anything, from autism, to self injury (anything psychological), to me overhearing every detail of family fights and overhearing arguments and other methods of getting information from my family to using the internet to get info on just about anything.

I think of it as the, “collection of facts or data”…or as a way to not be caught off guard. Or, “The act of informing or the condition of being informed; communication of knowledge.” I like to know what I’m dealing with in most situations, so you can bet- I will be well informed before I do much of anything. Unless you catch me in an impulsive moment, but those are few and far in- between and only happen with people- and that is different in my eyes. If I am acting impulsively with someone (like jumping in the ocean fully clothed lol) then it’s because I’ve known the person, I know them well and know what is okay and what is not etc. etc. So yeah- information is important to me.

So then there is knowledge. “The state or fact of knowing, familiarity, awareness, or understanding gained through experience or study, and the sum or range of what has been perceived, discovered, or learned.” I like the experienced or studied part…as I experience a lot and I study it a lot. I have perceived a lot of things in my life and discovered many things…and every minute I learn something new.

I suppose knowledge is my everlasting quest…knowledge of what though? I don’t have the answer to that question. But I know every day of my life I take everything in, every waking hour I’m thinking, searching, finding, discovering, writing, learning, perceiving, experiencing and pursuing. Trying to quench this thirst that I have that is torrential…and as yet never ending.

Is that part of the problem? Or part of the cure? Another thing that I don’t know. Time will tell on this one.

“In a dark time the eye begins to see.”
-   Theodore Roethke

I know this one well…how blind I was prior to my fall into depression, darkness etc. I just to just see everyone in this positive light…but when there was finally a contrasting view…a dark side…a little bit of truth could come out and a war raged on. Think of it this way- try and leave your eyes open for an extended time, your eyes are telling your brain to blink- they are beginning to get dry and get painful, blurry- until finally you have to close them (darkness) and even close them for a few minute to get rid of the pain and dryness. Then you open them up and can see better etc.

Or even better yet- try and stay awake for a long time, 36 hours, 48 etc…eventually your mind and body wants to shut down, wants to sleep, but you won’t let it. You begin to get irritated, tired, you start to lose perspective on reality if you stay awake long enough with no sleep. Until finally you give in and let sleep (darkness) consume you- you sleep and get renewed, waking up feeling refreshed, with new perspectives on things and feeling probably a bit happier. So yeah…in a dark time, you do begin to see.
Now I could have just given myself an argument to sleep- as many times I fight sleep- but I never stay awake for more than 48 hours...I always get a couple hours of sleep somewhere in there ;-) And my body isn't saying go to sleep and what not. Anyway, I won't have this argument with myself now, it would take forever!! Next--

”Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else
and thinking something different.”
-  Albert Szent-Gyorgyi, Winner of the 1937 Nobel Prize in Physiology and Medicine

This is just me…I see things in a different light than many people do. Like when I took on one of the kids that I work with- everyone saw a hopeless case, a child who couldn’t do anything…I saw a light in his eye, strength in his family and knew he could learn. There are several things in autism that I see that not everyone else does, but apparently in this world you have to have a B.A., M.A., PhD to say anything that means anything instead of looking in a child’s eyes or spending more time with the children than any of the researchers do. I still don’t see the sense in that. That really irks me when I try to express an opinion and am put aside just b/c of my degree status. The thing is- there are basically two people who do this the most- a mother- who undoubtedly knows her child, but only has experience with her child etc. and a professor who hasn't done therapy with a child in quite a while or been around them as much as I have in quite a while. Anyway, it irks me, but I smile and move on.  But whatever. Anyway- this fits me on a lot of things.

 “Every fight is one between different
angles of vision illuminating the same truth.”
- Mahatma Ghandi

I found this to be quite insightful. I think about my fight within myself- I’m fighting the same truths…but the angles are either light or dark…positive and negative and I’m just learning to balance them out to see the truth the most clearly of the two.

Anyhow…I think that is enough of me philosophizing for the night- phew. My mood has improved a little bit. I was thinking about yesterday and how jumpy I was. I think it was the whole being with the boss thing, having the one kid that I am super protective of and then right after that having the kid with the mom that can sometimes rub me the wrong way etc. So that whole combination just left a bad taste in my mouth…add in that my mood was sour starting from the day before- yuck. I had an update today, it went flawless, the child is doing wonderful and one of the last comments my boss said to me was, “she’s going to be one of the one’s who is going to be alright.” Of course in my head I though, that’s what I said from the beginning. I said to someone once- if she’s not graduated from our program by the time I’m graduated from college, then I’ve failed her in someway. And she is working super hard and is doing wonderful.

Well, I’m done writing this rant. I might more later…but for now, my popcorn, water and a downloaded movie are going to enjoy each others company.
Good night.

11-9
"When the archer shoots for no particular prize, he has all his skill; when he shoots to win a brass buckle, he is already nervous; when he shoots for a gold prize, he goes blind, sees two targets, and is out of his mind.  His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him.  He cares!  He thinks more of winning than of shooting, and the need to win drains him of power."
-Tranxu

"Every fight is one between different angles of vision illuminating the same truth."

"Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different."

All of those represent my current mode of thinking. The first quote deals with what happens whenever my boss comes in to visit me. I am so confident and attuned to the children when she’s not in town, but at the update meetings I feel so beneath her, or that she will find I did something really wrong or who knows what. When I’m there with the kids, that’s it, me and him/her and us working and its magic. Throw higher ups in there and it messes with the magic so to speak. And so then I feel like an idiot for a while, which drags my mood down lower. I’m thinking of emailing her tonight and discussing this with her tomorrow- how to not feel that way. She always says I’m a good therapist, one of the best etc. (they did promote me fast etc.), but how do I really know she feels that way? And I know she worries about me, she is one of the privileged few to know about my last bout with everything, and about the prior abuses I’ve suffered. She herself is a survivor of sexual abuse, anorexia and suffered a breakdown in her early twenties.

I thought a little more about why I feel so inadequate when she comes in. If I really think about it- all they really know about my therapy with the kids is that it works. She herself has never really watched me in a therapy situation, other than snippets here and there. Emails and data is the proof…and ultimately the vast progress the kids have made, despite limited hours and resources. But still…I think that feeds into that problem- OH and the fact that I already dislike myself and generally think I’m bad at everything anyway. That doesn’t help too much.

Second quote- that one is getting a little too deep for my weary eyes- I have to get up in about three and a half hours…let’s just say it evoked something in me and I’ll comment later.

Last one- kind of how I view a lot of things- I seem to see so many different things than everyone else. So I guess I discover my only little truths, I discover skills in my kids or ways of reaching them that others can’t. I guess the message from this quote- it just describes me, and I just can't put my finger on it as to why. But...it does.

Final comment of the night: I seem to be swerving off the road to recovery a bit…if you guys haven’t noticed from my late, late night posts and not exactly outwardly happy demeanor in them. I was thinking tonight, that I need to make sure I keep in my mind why I am on the road to recovery- I can’t lose sight of that. When I start to give up, that’s when I know I’ve broken through the guard rail and into tree’s I go…hoping and praying I miss the fatal one.

So my vision is blurred a bit, I’m swerving, but nothing too serious (I hope)…I really hope to straighten up this week and will work hard on that. Part of me says I didn’t come this far for nothing, and those few people close to me didn’t go through all this pain with me just to see me give up.

”Heart don't fail me now
courage don't desert me
don't turn back now that we're here
people always say life is full of chooses
no one ever mentions fear
or how the world can seem so long
or how the world can seem so vast
courage see me through
heart i'm trusting you
on this journey... to the past”
- Aaliyah

11-8
I’m still trying to figure out when my mood changed this week. It started out well and just kept going well. Maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed? Nah, even last night I just wasn’t feeling so hot. Maybe its my back pain flaring up badly right now? Who knows? I just don’t feel like doing anything right now.

I have two of my kids program books that I need to weed through- probably an hour to two hour ordeal and I haven’t started yet and its already past midnight and I have a long day ahead of me. So why am I writing right now instead of doing those books? Well, I have all night, I’ll get to them for sure or sleep and just get up early. They’ll be done regardless and I’d rather write. And my back hurts too bad right now to do much of anything but prop myself up and type and watch the Discovery Channel.

I wonder if it’s because my mind is thinking without me knowing lol. Then one night it hits me and I write a lot of good stuff. Until then, my mind kind of shuts down for a while…until things are sorted out in my mind.

Maybe…maybe I’m just really tired. I had an absolutely exhausting week. Physically, emotionally, mentally etc. In every way, I’m exhausted and haven’t been sleeping well.

Maybe I should just give little one sentence rundowns of my thoughts. The first is just thinking about the split about me. They way I am in my head and the way I present myself. I’ve always known that the split existed quite extensively. It’s been normal to me since childhood. What I present to the outside is very often now matching inside. Meaning, I could be the saddest person on Earth, yet have the brightest, warmest smile and make you believe it to. I can appear to have all the confidence in the world, and make people believe in that and yet, feel as though I’m a failure. People tell me I’m strong, I’m courageous, etc…but I don’t believe it…or don’t feel it rather. And I never think I measure up, never think I’m good enough. I swear, that is one drive I don’t know how to get rid of. It consumes me at times. It locks me in, boxes me in, and generally makes things unpleasant for me at times. And it’s not even an external thing anymore- it’s become an internal demon that I must battle with.

I have feelings inside, obviously. Anger being the only one even remotely shown. Sadness yet to be shown, fear…I have it- but I haven’t shown it- just when you’d think I would, my brave front suddenly shows up…or that never ending confidence. Happiness- real happiness- see me with one of my “kids” or my brothers and you’ll get that- and my me happiness/joy in its most purest form.  But other than all that- everyone I talk to says they don’t see anything else really- unless they look in my eyes, and even then, there are only three, maybe four people (literally) who caught onto that. And since I never (literally) stare in the mirror, well- my eyes- I can’t tell you what they are seeing. I refuse to look- well, not refuse- I can’t do it.

I just…I just don’t know how to show anybody my feelings. I trust a few people. They are all pretty much on the same level- my guidance counselor from high school (Christy), my current counselor, certain a professor, and my best friend. They have the best chance of seeing anything more, and if they can’t see anything- I don’t know how to let them to the next level. Hell, I don’t even know what is at that level lol. Or if it even exits…just confused I guess.

I’ll end that strain of thought…became more than a sentence I guess- oops.

Second thought- with everyone always either on me about getting a “social” life or just making smart ass comments about having no life…I was walking one day and came to a realization. I don’t know how to interact with peers my own age…honestly. I think about the things I like to talk about or do etc…and it’s not fitting in so much with everyone else. I guess life experiences, my work and just general outlook on things, they just differ so much. Or maybe I just haven’t found a group of people that are more like me etc. I have had friendships, some have either faded because I went into a depression or hospital etc. and the rest have faded because I’m so busy, they may be busy, and I look back on our conversations and…its more like- hey how are you, what have you been doing etc. And then the rest is almost forced. They’ve partied, met a guy etc. And I’ll talk about all of that stuff etc. And then they ask me about my stuff- work etc. It’s like two one sided conversations.

And I guess I haven’t found any friends who share the same hobbies as I- like the love of the water, small town (i.e. Fredericksburg), children (obviously), nature, and a host of other things. But I just was thinking about all of that- part of the problem with the whole being alone right now, not finding friends, or loosing them- even though I’m well respected and well liked- is just because I am different than your average college student. As one person put it- I am a 30/40 year old in a 20 year olds body.

Oh yeah- and trust- I don’t trust easily…I think over the years- about how much I knew about people, my friends, even best friends and how very, very, very little they knew about me. And the weird thing about it- most didn’t notice. I knew, but it escapes most people’s view. What can I say? I’m very extroverted, personable and warm- why would this be cause for alarm to anyone? Reminds me of the quote someone once said, "We believe so strongly in the face value of things. What would there have been about me...to have suggest any cause for alarm?"

Y’all ready for a quote binge…here- my thoughts in the words of others for once most taken from “A Bright Red Scream”

"I'm a good actress, I can act so happy. I just want people to understand that I'm not crazy and I'm not a freak, I'm just scared and sad and alone. It doesn't matter what anyone else does or says or thinks when you see nothing in the mirror."

“As kids, by and large, self injurers were not allowed to have or express their own feelings- especially anger. Instead they were forced to carry the feelings of their parents and grew up feeling responsible for their parents’ anger, frustration, and unhappiness. They were expected to fill their parents’ need for love and gratification, rather than the parents satisfying their children’s needs. When a child’s feelings and perceptions are actively denied or minimized by her parents, the child’s ability to develop a language of feelings is stunted, and she is left with a mute hopelessness about the possibility of communication in a way that will help her to get her critical needs met. Words then seem to take on terrifying proportions; they are both too powerful and completely useless. Emotions are so damned up that sadness seems annihilating, rage often feels murderous.”

“The sheer intensity of a child’s feelings means they cannot be repressed without severe consequences. The thicker the prison walls grow, says Miller, the more future emotional development is impeded. When that wall is especially impenetrable, and the pain behind it is overwhelming, cutting is the strategy some use to try to break though and achieve some sense of control.”

That last one is always a good quote, since I evidently am somewhat damned up ;-) I feel sorry for the people that have been chipping away- what a process, phew. I’m no diamond as I’m talking, but I’m either Corundum or Beryl rocks for sure. Anyhow…it’s now very early in the morning, and I’m sure the sun will start peaking soon, so I will go grab my few hours of sleep and then work on the books and get myself ready for another long day, pretending my back doesn’t hurt, putting my smile on and acting like the great employee and therapist to these kiddo’s that I am…to everyone else. Night.

11-6
Four hours of sleep over two days- one day with three therapy sessions with kids and the second with two therapy sessions, plus my own, plus a meeting with my two boss'...I really will sleep tonight and rest. I have a deep thought in my head brewing, as I normally do after my "therapy" day, but for once I am too exhausted to write it, literally! So, just wanted to say, I am exhausted, but its still been a good two days. I see my med Doctor tomorrow. I will talk to him about the hand tremor- think it may be a side effect?! It is not good, it is interfering with typing and writing. Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful night, I am going to chill, listening to good music ;-), resting my back (back pain has flared up again) and get some sleep here soon. Good night everyone! :-)

11-6
Another long day finished. I am running the gamut this week and it literally doesn't end until Sunday night I would say. Until then, I am on the run, literally from the time I wake up, until the time I fall into bed. To make matters worse, I am waking up a lot during sleep. My dorm room is hot due to the weather, ugh. Plus, I guess stress...racing thoughts, and so many things I want to do and accomplish this week. But I don't feel like getting into all of that.

Instead, I have a bright story to tell. One of the children I have been working with now for over a year (he has autism)- one of the things we have been working on is reciprocating a greeting when I come over (i.e., I say "Hi ___", he responds with "Hi Erin" etc.) Well, he has done alright I guess with that, but not overwhelmingly so. Today he was outside jumping on the trampoline with his siblings and his mom and I were watching from a window. I called out from the window, "Hi ____", and was not really expecting that much of an answer, but I always try- he turns around, GRINS, and shouts back- "Hi Erin!"...one of the most normal things to come out of his mouth since we started- his mom and I just looked at each other- it was awesome! I was so excited. We continued to have a good session as he began a few new programs...and for the first time I really saw a fire lit in his eyes and he understood some things which previously he hadn't. It was awesome.

Also- Before that, I was working with another one of my kids, much, much higher functioning (Asperger's). I came in right before 'show and tell' so I stayed to observe her do her presentation. I sat in awe. I think back to a year ago when we started, or even four to six months ago- she could not have described what she did with her toys. And I just sat in awe at her and how far she has come. It was wonderful.

And finally, I saw one more kiddo...who I am always amazed at because he may have come the furthest. He was working with another therapist, whom I was supervising. So seeing him always brings me joy.

Overall, it was good. Just tiring. The morning I spent the bulk working with my professor on a side research project that we just began (different from the one I complain about lol). So a lot going on. Tomorrow, is another long day- therapy (mine) to meeting with boss' to therapy (kid) to class to therapy (kid) to dorm.

I am most anxious about the meeting with boss'...we'll see how that goes. Should be interesting for sure. That's about it, I'm tired! Night.

11-5
Phew, another day finished. It was hard, let me tell you to finish. Well, actually, it was much harder to start. I got up in time for my 8:00, though was a little late- lost my keys! After that, I decided to opt out of the second meeting and go back to my dorm and had planned on doing emails. Fell asleep. Woke up an hour and half later in time to make it to work. Had a great time with a kiddo, though he wore me out. I did have breakfast and lunch, but probably not enough, and I lost muscle mass in my last bought with everything. So I was exhausted when I got to class and somehow made it through that without sleeping- probably my prof shooting me looks like- you better stay up and my mountain dew and Concerta I took a bit later than normal. But then I had to sit through another two hours of a meeting after class. That was not as hard. But I was in the "zone" which meant I could only hang onto one conversation or task at once, but my prof recognized that and all was good. The research team I am on is really coming together again. I have a lot to do this week, but what else is new, I think I have a plan in my head and I feel positive.

My professor and I have been doing an in-depth look at sensory and self injury (y'all will here a lot more on that later, as some questionnaires may appear ;-)) and it got me thinking of course, as always. She said something tonight that really fit neatly with something else somebody said. She said that I get really "focused" on one thing and then can go on for like for a while. Like at research team tonight I was focused, but I couldn't follow more than one stream of thought at once, so we had to go in a particular order etc...anyway, I was just in that mode. She said it was the same for other times as well, and I fully agree...tonight, its me super- focusing as I have that ability to do. What's curious, is that is a round-a-bout way of saying what my mom told me this weekend while reading. When I read a book for pleasure- its like watching a movie- the thing unfolds in my head, as if they were on a screen- suddenly I'm not reading words, but watching a movie. So yeah, I get focused and its hard for me to get out of that. Same thing if you were at the movie theatre and somebody kept talking! So tonight I took home a questionnaire from my prof to kinda see the focus and attention thing with me, we're curious. We are sorta doing research on the sly and she thinks the connection with self injury is a fascinating one from what I have told her. And we just got a prof in the department who deals a lot with physio-bio-psychology stuff (how the body responds to psychology stuff etc.)

Anyway- the point of that- My intellect is on mental high right now between getting to talk about this stuff to my professor and having all my autism stuff going on with "my kids".

Exhausting week? Yes...but still okay. My mind is racing a thousand miles an hour- which has me concerned a bit- and I've noticed a hand tremor...not sure what that is about...but I have observed it for a while now. I think that about covers it. Oh- LOTS of changes made on site tonight...check the What's New link or click here: What's New.

I think that covers it- more in-depth rant tomorrow night for sure- so check on back! Good night everyone!

11.3
Wow, exhaustion. It has set in. I feel so exhausted and bone weary tired. I just don't have the words to describe it. I have been on the go for so long now. With work, with school, and with my own recovery. It's a lot to keep up with. And for some things- I've shared too much burden (i.e. work). But boss's are here this week, and its time we had a "discussion". Can't wait (sarcasm, for those that don't know me). Part of me is so damn tired carrying the weight of some kids progress all by myself, and part of me says not to complain, at least my life is doing some good. And then part of me says...no asks- when do I get to take a break or breather.

This weekend at home, I didn't get that much of a breather. Halloween was great- brothers were great. Saturday was spent running around for the most part etc. Then Sunday I slept in (went to bed late- it was ALL NATURAL sleep!) and then had lunch and just read a book and relaxed...or tried too. Part of the time I was reading (and not mental health reading, just-for-fun reading for once, first time in months!), I had my mom badgering me- saying "oh no, Erin is in her "Erin time" mode, the do not disturb mode." Ugh- then she says I have so many of those at home!!! Grrrr- no comment. I can't get my time at the dorm, and I can't get it at home- where the hell am I supposed to get it. I just wanted to read a fucking book for once.

Anyway. Here I am, about to drift off to sleep. I have to get up at the crack of dawn and be at a meeting at 8. And then its nothing but meetings, class and work for the rest of the day.

What do I really want to do? I noticed that it's been gorgeous lately- I want to walk down town, get lunch outside one of the restraunts or a drink and enjoy some of the day. Or walk to the river and take in the scenery or grab food at the Nest and take a seat in Ball Circle (on campus) and enjoy my day. But I work starting in the morning (or have class) and am not finished until night. I wanted to enjoy this weekend...but yeah- only half happened- I got my time, but not without some fighting.

But hey- that's life. I'm okay with these minor nuisances. Honestly, the only things really bothering right now are work and my thoughts. My thoughts are racing...racing and disorganized. I'm having trouble holding on to them etc. I hate that...will have to talk to dr. I guess about that? So yeah, that is bothering me- a lot.

And that's it. Night.

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