Suicidal Rants

9-16
I just got back from Day Treatment with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach...I don't' know what to do. All of these feelings rushing through me, bubbling up while I try to stay sane enough to take an exam tomorrow morning, do a presentation. I guess I am trying to make it through that, because I will have severe repercussions if I don't do those to things, but after that is over at noon, no guarantee's on anything the way I feel. I can't handle all of these feelings. First I read poetry today which many people liked, then I talked about my feelings, I had flashbacks and just became more and more in touch with my feelings as the day wore on and I got in worse and worse shape.

So I am back in my dorm now, typed up the poem, seeing anger everywhere trying not to lose it until after my school work is done. I really just want to die. WHY, do I have to live? I am not happy, I have few friends, and I can't stand these feelings at all. I can't stand it- I need to numb them again, or better yet, die and be over and done with feelings. Sure I may go to Hell, but I've been to hell already, its a place called Earth.

I am tired for living for everyone else. My biggest act of selfishness is what I want to do- to kill myself- I know it is about the most selfish thing a person could do, but I've been saving up and done enough for other people.

I am just sick and tired of all this shit, sick and tired of it. I'm ready to end it, I'm ready to cut, I'm ready to lose control.

I'm sorry, this may trigger people or make you mad or whatever...which is why I stuck it in here. I need to vent. So vented I have. I'm sorry everyone, I feel like I'm letting you down. I haven't said I will kill myself, but I feel like I want an end to my life. I'll let you know if 'action' starts to come into play.

5-4
Oh man, do I feel rage in me right now…I haven’t felt this ANGRY in a very long time…and I don’t’ even know why. Right now I am pissed because my computer keeps fucking up so I pounded the hell out of it, I’m lucky it still works…I feel like throwing something or putting my fist through a mirror or window. I’m not real sure how I am staying put right now, I want to hurt something (preferably myself) so badly! I stare at the bottle of pills and think how easy it would be to swallow them all…or I stare at the blade which is nearby wondering if I want to venture down that path again. So I turn to writing to figure out stuff. First, if I use the blade what do I accomplish? First, it gives me something to concentrate on other than my rage. Second, for reasons unknown, I want to feel pain right now. I need to feel it. I want it. So that would take care of that. In the past it has calmed me as well…of course then I feel guilty afterward and have to worry about hiding.

If I swallowed a bottle of pills…that is worse. First, given that I swallowed a handful a week ago I don’t know if my body is recovered yet and the side effects could be more violent and I think I would have to call someone and tell them how many I took and I have a paper and three finals due…so that would just really fuck up too much. Though it would make me sleep and get me sick (so then I could throw up all the food I ate today- I ate like a pig). And there would be no scars to contend with.

So what do I do? Well writing is good for one, but it is still not solving my inner turmoil. Something needs to calm me, but I don’t’ know what. Well something needs to happen period. As I’ve stated above…I am sick and tired of everything and I just want it to all end.

I mean what would be the worse of my ending it all. The website can carry on, there are other people who could take it over, or it could just stand by itself. I don’t have too many close friends, they would get over it. My professors, well I’m just a student…they have plenty more. The children I work with- there are other therapists, I don’t think it would make too much of a dent if I suddenly dropped out of their world. My family…well my father would grieve for the daughter he never knew, my mother would feel guilty and think it was something she did…they would go on though, they have separate lives apart from me. My brothers would morn, but they are young and would rebound. So yeah, that is not much of a dent at all. Everyone would go on with their life b/c mine does not hold too much meaning. All I really do is fuck things up as it is. I mess up my classes and people probably think I’m dumb. I don’t have many friends because I’m a workaholic and I don’t know how to keep friends…or rather I don’t know why people don’t want to be around me. All I do is fight with my parents and wonder why I’m such a worthless daughter, so it would be just one less burden for them, one less financial obligation they have to worry about meeting. My father doesn’t know me as it is, I’m barely in his life now. The children I work with aren’t really aware of who “I” am and will welcome any new therapists.

Geez, as I write this I think I am getting more depressed lol. So it’s really about me…will I miss my life? Sometimes, most of the time no. When you spend your life hating who you are, what kind of life is that? I mean really…I spend it going from one crisis to the next. I up or I’m down. I’m fighting with someone always…tiptoeing my way around my parents trying not to cause waves, but I always do. I feel worthless and useless. And most of all I don’t feel like I belong. Everyone has their own life and I just feel like there’s Erin, sitting there all alone. A few ties here and there but for the most part not. If I were to just disappear there would not be too much uproar.

Who wants to live a life full of hating themselves? Full of trying to not go over the edge…watching what I do constantly. Or seeing something sharp and remember when. Or seeing the bottle of pills and knowing what I’ve done or want to do. Or laying awake at night, remembering those ugly nights. Full of trying to please everyone and getting fucked in the end no matter what I do. Full of never getting a break…not even once. Or wait, maybe my break came when I wanted to kill myself and didn’t. Oh that is some break let me tell you. If I had just done it two years ago, I wouldn’t be in this position. I’d be dead and gone and everyone would be happier as a result. No Erin, oh well, life goes on. It’s not like I made much difference anyway. So I sit here wondering…just what in the hell am I waiting for?