NOTE: This section of the site is
about to go through MAJOR changes, so please check back soon for updates.
Thanks.
Once you've made the commitment to stop SI, the healing process begins. This is in no way simple. Many times people have relationships to repair, work to catch up on, scars to explain/hide and various other tasks.
Lets start with relationships: I ruined a good many relationships while I was down under and repairing those relationships was my first task. It was very difficult, but I managed to succeed in all but one case, but there was nothing I could do there (she refused to hear me out). It won't be easy to tell a person that it was not you who yelled and started fights or
ignored a person, but someone else. The real you is the one without SI. Tell them your sorry and all that stuff and ask them to forgive you. Once they realize what was going through your head at the time, most will be receptive and begin the relationship again.
11-4-03: Update:
Finally, an update to surviving self injury. Now that I have scars vastly more
prominent, one that says something not so nice, surviving can be even more
difficult with relationships. Honestly, I am at a "take me as I am stance". This
is me. If someone can't love me for everything, including the scars, than they
were not worthy of my love in the first place. I know many of my readers here
are younger than, and still in adolescents...all I can say to you is hold on- I
know that high school and middle school can be ridiculously rough and the people
there merciless- but it gets better- life does go on. Trust me on that please. I
will form more relationships as I go on, at my pace, but first, I discovered, I
need to find out who "me" is. The relationship I have with myself is the most
important! I want you to take that away with you!
Many times survivors of SI have scars, which either need to be rid of, hid or explained. I chose the later two. I have about seven scars on my left arm, some hidden some in view. They are by no means huge, but not
easy always to ignore. For some I simply say I fell. Those close to me got the full story. On my right arm I only have one which is a
noticeable scar across my wrist- however, its on the underside and rarely seen nor do people ask questions. The ones on my legs have all disappeared so they obviously need no explanation, nor do most people know about those.
*** update,
I now have over twenty on my left forearm (prominent now) and two/three on my upper arm...
However, there are many people with large, prominent scars and there are a variety of ways to explain them.
- make a joke
- the truth
- shrug it off
- be rude (none of their business)
- sport injury
- elaborate, false tale- joke
- ignore question
These are just several ways to explain them. You can also of course find ways to hide them too. Be as creative as you like!
11-4-03: Update:
Like I said above, my left arm is riddled now with the same 27, though they look
like a group of 8 or so, somewhat faded, three noticible slits on the palm side
at the wrist, and some across the hand, and of course, same upper ones (never
seen b/c of shirts!). Then on my right arm- wow- let's see...shoot, lets just
say above 20, a word, then I had another set of two words, but they now have
faded together to be just to scars, underside has some, but can be made to look
like natural skin fold. And some upper arm (covered with shirt). I get WAAAAY
more comments and stuff now, so I think I can accurately say something about
rude people, or comments etc. Generally, people just don't comment...I see their
stare and that is it, they look away and I think pretend its something else. The
few who were just surprised, I either said a cat or something about some stairs
or a vent or fan etc. I laugh and quickly change subject. This works most of the
time. So, its up to you!
-The other set of scars that aren't so easy to heal are those left on the heart-
emotional scars. To this day, not an hour goes by when I don't think about what happened. I know it will take quite a while before I can go a day without thinking about it, but I am learning to heal. I use my support and made the commitment to get better. That alone helps me get through the day. I also learned perspective. I learn how to keep things in context of the real world. I've learned I can screw up and its not the end of the world.
I have found that the best healer for emotional scars is time. So I ask ask those suffering to heal with time. There are no short cuts. You got into the mess, now you gotta get out. We took the easy way out of dealing with pain, so now we have to go the long way to get better. My softball coach once said that "short cuts are a quick way to get no where" Very true in our case. Thus, stick out time- it will heal you.
11-4-03: Update:
Well, three years later and I'm updating this file! What a trip...and I have
plenty of the emotional scars, let me tell you. Best advice- realize that if you
make a decision to stop and then have incidences where you do cut- its not the
end of the world and its not the end of your recovery. You can keep making that
decision to stop. I lapsed several times on my journal. And may still! But you
must learn that a lapse is not a RElapse...you are not too far back and can
still make it forward. So I went seven months no cutting, then went on a three
week binge and had a hospital stay and suicide watch- I'm here, alive, new meds,
new dx, good therapy...and feel like I'm finally starting my life. That is what
can happen! And I've had plenty of lapses. I think we can all benefit from
getting out of the mode of thinking where every lapse is a crisis. It's our
black and white thinking.
Some my advice...we will deal with everything as it comes with us. Reach out to
your supports and together we'll all get through this. Seek out help!!! That is
a major thing...and HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM. Even if its one friend, even if its
one online friend...you'd be surprised at what life can bring to you in a little
bit of time. I have a very, very tiny support system right now, but I know with
time it will grow...as I will grow.
Finally, about scars and all that stuff. Yeah, they are a constant reminder. I
can't get through a day without thinking about it. But it doesn't define me and
does not necessarily represent my failings, but just cries for help. And in this
last case...represents the first steps toward a new life and new way of
thinking...finally. Sure, I wish I had arms free of these scars, but in a way, I
see them as my battle scars. I fought a battle and continue to fight. Those were
the scars from the last battle...but in the end I will win the war. And if in
that winning, I have a few scars to go along with that, so be it. Gives me good
times to make up funny stories to tell about them! Anyway, I'm done :-) Hope you
all get something from this!!
I will probably update this portion of the website while I learn more ways of coping and research more. But I feel these are good starters.