WARNING: The following is triggering material. Please proceed with caution and leave this page if you feel like hurting yourself. You can just click on this link Home or Safe Haven

 10-2
Well it's been one hell of a long time since I've written a triggering rant, but it's here. Please be safe when you read all this: 
Decent into madness. It has begun and I cannot stop it. I feel I'm slipping off the edge, soon to plummet. I cannot stand this madness any longer. I'm up, I'm down and no where in between and I am sick of it. I can't control them. I go from being so high and studying, good grades, big social life etc. to this... me struggling in school, no social life, and crippling thoughts. Now you tell me, what in the hell am I supposed to do. In the past, I turned to cutting, to get me to snap back to reality. That is gone, now I have to struggle through the urges and not do it. In the past I bottled it up, but if I did that, I'd be dead. But hey, that is what I want to do now, die. I mean why the fuck not? The world will be a better place without me fucking everything up and being one big mess. I can't stand to live everyday like this. It is torture. I haven't had the best life, but I sure as hell haven't had the worst. And it's been good for quite sometime...so why do I suffer so. It's maddening. And I can't stop it!!!!! I can work on the stuff I learn in therapy etc and that helps some, but not totally. There comes those dark weeks where every object I look at can be used to kill me. How I floor it on the high way wondering if I have the courage to hit the tree this time. How I see the shaving blade there, remembering its power and its destruction. How every thought revolves around death and my dying. How I seem to just fuck everything up.

You tell me how to live...this is no life. I get up, go to school, put on my happy face, or studying one...then I go to work with the autistic kids...come home and have to study. But I don't really live...that is what my body does... my mind is dead and stays dead everyday.

Granted in a couple weeks I will most likely be high again, thriving and kicking ass...but then of course I will decend again. This is crazy, all I do is cycle and that is one fucking way to live life. Around and around I go, no where to stop, now where to run, no where to go but dead.

I've loved hope...I've kept it alive and nursed it and taken care of it. So tell me why it is suddenly leaving me. Because I'm in my third year of shit ruining my life? I'm a load of b.s. and I'm sorry to everyone. It's my own damn fault and I know how to fix things. I give up, just give up. What else is there to do? I just don't know anymore. Sorry. Take Care.

3-13
Well I'm feeling pretty shitty and this is not a nice rant so I've put it under this triggering rant page. I just feel so crappy right now. I want to cut, I want to die, I just want everything to be over with. I switched meds, so I don't know what the hell is going on. Am I feeling what I am b/c the meds aren't working or is it just another natural flux in mood.
I wanna put a bullet in my brain, I wanna bleed till there's nothing left... I wanna be asleep forever, leave this world behind, the pain, the suffering, the battle. I've won some fights, but I'm losing the war. Its not normal to think about suicide, to think about hurting myself. Yet these thoughts constantly invade my being and its almost as if its defining me. No matter how hard I fight, how hard I try to stay strong, it seems as if in the long run I will lose.
I think of the feeling of death, nothing will bother me anymore, I will be set free. But those left behind will pick up the pieces and they will be the victims of the battle that rages in my mind. They are what keeps me alive. Will that always be enough, only time will tell. But for now I just wish I could die, maybe a car accident or something, some freak accident. Can I really die by my own hand. I think I could, like before, I was ready, I could be ready again. But I think of others, and I cling to that. I do not live for me. I don't want to live for me. B/c I want to die. plain and simple. Sometimes it just gets too hard.
Another disclaimer to add: Yes I am declaring I want to die on this rant etc. but I'm sure I'll snap out of it before I do anything, hopefully. Again this is a very triggering rant and I'm not proud of it. But guys, I stay alive because of hope. Keep hope alive. Take Care.

2-13
I was thinking about how it felt to have a blade split my flesh and watch silently as blood beads up and then it begins its drip. The power of pain, of flesh, of blood- it can almost be intoxicating. I control my pain, I control my blood. The liquidy, warm, red blood. I cause that to seep from my veins- the pain that comes from slicing through the layers and finally, finally hitting the vein where the pain resides, where the blood resides- I control- I can live, I can die. The choice is mine. The power is mine.
The tissue becomes a crimson red, the bleeding is subsiding- I undo the blood clot- more blood spills out- my high is nearly over. I stare at what I’ve done and even revel in the act I’ve committed.
Then it’s over. Reality comes back, I begin to stop the bleeding, apply band aids or figure out ways to hide my triumph. I look at what I’ve done and feel my weakness- I did it again, I gave in- Damn it- I just couldn’t hold off, I couldn’t stop and I wanted to do it. The hell with going around and being with other people, watching TV, sleeping- I fucking want to do it- plain and simple. I can’t let go- If I do, what’s left. If I let go, I’ll fall, fall of the edge.

And I let go, I’m still here and living my life and doing better than ever.