9-8-06
I made my choice. Talk to work Monday
and get the facts and time frame. Find out about hours modification. I will
enter day treatment to see me through after Monday. I will be safe while going
through this latest storm.
What do I need?
Antecedents
Beginning August 20th I had very little sleep. I felt tired everyday, feeling alone, and was afraid of the night. I felt like I was nowhere or standing still, but not moving in the right direction. Beginning August 21st I worked more hours than normal because there were a lot of therapist absences and kids beginning new programming. Beginning August 28th, I began to be required to be at The Center beginning at 8am, which then required me to leave my house at 6:30am and not return until about 6pm. During the week of the 20th I did cease to take Rozerem and for a week I used Melatonin which ran out on the 28th. I was without my daytime medication beginning in July and ending around August 15th. Thus, I was also suffering the effects of no daytime medication. Finally, my boss announced she was leaving around August 20th. I received a letter of reprimand on August 30th.
Behaviors
With the lack of sleep, I began to lose judgment. I began to fear irrationally which made me unable to discuss my job situation with my supervisor adequately. I was at a disadvantage. My head became cloudy and I became unclear about my future with the company and with life in general. I continued to sleep anywhere from three to no hours of sleep. My eating also decreased significantly to the point that I was only eating one meal a day, if that. I also relied heavily on caffeine and not water. I also did not use my support systems as I should and had difficulty asking for help. I began to feel energized, but very agitated and confused. Negative thoughts became my main thoughts and were pounding all day long to the point that I could not concentrate on any work. Devising a way to kill myself became the only option.
Consequences
As a result of the lack of sleep I
became sleep deprived. In the mornings I would fall asleep at the wheel and
almost get in an accident. At work, for the first few hours I did nothing but
fall asleep and doodle on paper. I was essentially useless in the morning hours.
In the afternoon hours I would work extremely hard to make up for the work in
the morning. By evening I would then be exhausted after filling four hours with
eight hours worth of work. I stopped really cooking dinner, doing laundry or
other daily living activities. I isolated myself and did not talk very much on
the phone or the internet. Most of my internet use in the last few days before
hospitalization dealt with finding a feasible way to kill myself. I also began
to only think of what killing myself might to do other people and if I cared. I
also over-focused on work and the mistakes that were made and why I was being
punished so harshly. I was ruminated a lot on this subject which made it unable
for me to think about anything else.
The final consequence was finding a viable way to kill myself and then
increasing the meds and the doses to make sure it was lethal. I bought all the
medication and I bought blades. After deciding not to kill myself, I used the
blades to harm both of my arms. Eventually a friend found her way to me and I
was taken into the hospital.
Job Options
These are all of the possible options that may happen regarding my employment with the Matthews Center.
As a consequence of my employment status at The Center, these will be my options:
My living arrangements will be as follows depending upon employment:
Since my living style is the same for the first three arrangements, I will provide options for the last arrangement.
Here are all the known living arrangements that I can make:
Here are the arrangements I can make regarding my animals
Here are the different money scenarios
Here are the consequences:
Best case scenario: No change to anything- hours work for me and so does the money
Worst case scenario: I lose my job and I am not able to get a new job within one month, I have to give my animals to others for safe keeping, and I lose my apartment and must decide to either live at a shelter or with one of my parents.
Do I lose everything? No: my animals will be okay living with someone else why I get on my feet and I will get them back one day; my apartment is lost, but I will have somewhere to go while I get back on my feet; my money is lost until I can get another job, but I will find another job and eventually have money again; insurance is lost, but I can apply for Cobra which is cheaper than going without insurance; counseling is lost if I have to move to Alabama for a while; psychiatrist is lost if I have to move to Alabama for a while; I can keep my medical team in place even if I have to move in with my mom or friend or shelter.
What do I lose? Apartment living for a few months, animals for a few months, counseling for a month, and money for a few months.
Every option pertains to only a few months. This is not long-term or even permanent. This is the reality of the situation. A far cry from losing everything.
Order of living preferences:
Basic things to do:
