A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You
are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests
itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand
and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Senior Moment

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife
tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Better Than Viagra

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing
interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it's
still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed
potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The
pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the
food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my
clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the
pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any
damages."

Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I took at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see, how miraculus and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: " My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following insciption on her tombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."Not long after, the ld maid died peacefully, and the undertaken told these men what the lady had said. The menwent to carve it in, but as the Lasy no-goods they were, they thought he inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How
do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and
at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Little Ah Boy went to grandpa and said, "Grandpa, can you imitate a frog for me, pleases?"
"Why a frog, my sweet grandchild?" asked the old man.
"Because Mummy and Daddy said they would get a great fortune from your CPF when you croak," replied the little boy.

Tom went to the pub for a drink after work and couldn't help noticing a man in the far corner passed out over his beer. He was very drunk and incoherent. Deciding to do his good deed for the day, Tom checked the man's wallet and found his address. Then he tried to help the man stand up. But he kept falling down. Dragging him heaving, Tom finally carried the drunk outside and got him into his car. When he reached the drunk's house he pulled him out of the car but he still couldn't stand up. So Tom sought help from passers-by, dragged the man to the front door and rang the bell. A woman opened the door and he explained that he'd brought her husband home. "Thank you very muck," she said. "But where did you leave his wheelchair?"

Peter and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling each about their lives.
Finally Peter invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?'
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the lift and press the button with your left elbow, then enter, When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and then I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me… what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing lift buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Why, don't tell me you're not coming empty-handed!'

THE EMPLOYEE

The owner of a large factory decided to make a
surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though
the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?"
said the owner angrily.

"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner
counted out $300, slapped the money into the
boy's hands, and said, "Here's a week's pay -- now
get out and don't come back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said,
"How long has that lazy bum been working
here anyway?"

"He's not an employee," said the supervisor.
"He was just here to deliver a pizza!"

A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them:
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the
priest said to the pastor .....
"You think we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?'"
~ * ~ * ~ * ~



*Women Drivers* (Don't judge a joke by it's title)
Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left
and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dumb makeup!!!
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL! WOMEN DRIVERS!

Ah Girl went for a job interview to be a secretary.
When the manager saw Ah Girl's colourful attire and gold and white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming "NOT THIS WOMAN."
Nevertheless, he still had to entertain Ah Girl. So he told Ah Girl, "If you could form a sentence using the words I give you, then maybe I will give a chance!
The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE, and BLACK."

Ah Girl thought for a while and said: " I hear the phone GREEN, GREEN, GREEN(ring, ring,ring) then I go and PINK(pick) up the phone, I say YELLOW(hello)... BLUE's(who's) that? WHITE(what) did you say? Aiyah, wrong number, lah... Don't Purplely(Purposely) disturb people and don't call BLACK(back), ok? Kum Siah(Thank you)."

The Manager fainted.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I am really hungry, "said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate til they could eat no more. "I am so full I don't think I can fly back up the tree,"said the first one. "Me neither. "Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun,"said the second. "O.K.", said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat there washing his face after his meal, he thought ,
"I Love Baskin' Robins!"

One day, Mahathir and his chauffeur were riding around in Negeri Sembilan when suddenly; out of nowhere, a big pig ran out of a bush. They could not stop the limousine in time and the pig was splattered on the road. Mahathir, afraid of being accused for anything, immediately gave the chauffer R1000 and told him to go into the owners' hut, apologize for the loss and give him some compensation.
Mahathir waited in the limousine for a long time, but his chauffeur did not come back. Finally, after a two hour wait, the chauffeur came back, his tie and collar loose, pants unbuttoned, bleary eyed with beer and lipstick stains all over his shirt and clutching an empty bottle of champagne in one hand and what seems like a R5000 note in the other. Mahathir asked, 'How in the world did you end up like this.'
'Well,' the chauffeur said, 'The farmer was so happy, he shook hands with me, took out R5000 from his own wallet, had his sons pour out a bottle of champagne for me and had his daughters make hot sex with me in the master bedroom.
'That's strange' Mahathir said, 'why would they reward you? Tell me exactly what happened.'
'Hmm ... I went in, I met the farmer, I held out the R1000 note and said, 'Hi, I'm Mahathir's chauffeur and I've just killed the pig'...

"I'm confused,"
the little boy admitted to his teacher.
"I went to church last Sunday and they kept telling me to stand up for Jesus! But then I went to the ballgame, and everyone kept yelling,
'For Christ's sake, sit down!'"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny
Saturday morning. The first
of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly

toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he
immediately clasped his hands
together at his crotch, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in
evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and
immediately began to apologize.

She explained that she was a physical
therapist: "Please allow
me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain
if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be
fine in a few minutes," he
replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his
hands together at his crotch. But she persisted,
and he finally allowed her

to help him. She gently took his hands away and
laid them to the side, she
loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
After a short massage she
asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb
still hurts like hell!"

Muthu went to his favourite corner coffeeshop and ordered several bottles of beer. He poured them into several glasses in a row and then drank from the first, the third, the fifth, the seventh, ninth and eleventh glasses.
"Don't you want the rest of the glasses?" enquired Ah Seng, the coffeeshop owner who had been watching in astonishment.
"No thanks," said Muthu, wiping the froth from his mouth. "My doctor said I could only have the odd drink,"

Secrets for a Happy Marriage

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet
and crochet a doily.
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."

A husband and wife were
disagreeing with each other and
the silent treatment was underway.
The silence continued, when a
week later the husband
needed to get up at 5 a.m.
to catch a business flight. His alarm
clock wasn't working, and he grudgingly
realized that he needed his wife to wake him up.

Not wanting to be the first
to break the silence,
he wrote down on a piece of paper
"Please wake me up at 5 tomorrow morning
so I can catch my flight."
and put it on her pillow before she came to bed.

The next morning he awoke to
find that it was 9 a.m.
He heard his wife in the kitchen,
and he had missed his flight.
He noticed a note on his pillow.
"it's 5 a.m....wake up."

Better Than Viagra

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing
interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it's
still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed
potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The
pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.
It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the
food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my
clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the
pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any
damages."

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a bar for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers, and when the cowboy finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you stole my horse?" he shouted, making the glasses on the bar shake.
No one answered. The cowboy squinted around the room then, without looking, shot the tops off three bottles of whisky on the bar. "Alright," he snarled at the room. "I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas."
The locals shifted uneasily in their seats, as the cowboy swivelled around suddenly. "And let me tell you- I really don't want to do what I done in Texas." Chairs creaked restlessly. The cowboy sat at the bar again, and quickly downed another beer. The locals watched as he got up, paid the bill and walked outside- to find his back where he'd left it. As he saddled-up and started to ride out of town, the bartender came out of the bar. Unable to contain his curiosity, he approached the lone wanderer. "Say partner, before you go, tell me- what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back, with a long face: " I had to walk home."

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How
do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and
at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Tom went to the pub for a drink after work and couldn't help noticing a man in the far corner passed out over his beer. He was very drunk and incoherent. Deciding to do his good deed for the day, Tom checked the man's wallet and found his address. Then he tried to help the man stand up. But he kept falling down. Dragging him heaving, Tom finally carried the drunk outside and got him into his car. When he reached the drunk's house he pulled him out of the car but he still couldn't stand up. So Tom sought help from passers-by, dragged the man to the front door and rang the bell. A woman opened the door and he explained that he'd brought her husband home. "Thank you very muck," she said. "But where did you leave his wheelchair?"

Peter and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling each about their lives.
Finally Peter invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?'
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the lift and press the button with your left elbow, then enter, When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and then I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me… what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing lift buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Why, don't tell me you're not coming empty-handed!'

JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied,
"I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said,
"But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from
the drawing the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

Miracle Failure

After he put Anwar in jail, Mahathir received a lot of criticism from different sources. Everything he did was sure to get the journalists and diplomats screaming at him about corruption and cronyism etc. Finally, he was so fed up that he called all the journalists and diplomats to Johor Bahru.
'Now, for all of you, I'm going to do something which you all cannot complain about.' and he magically stepped onto the waters of the straits of Johore and walked the full 1 km to the other side without falling into the water. The onlookers were amazed and Mahathir was sure he'd get some compliments in the news tomorrow
The next day, Mahathir was shocked to find in newspapers across the planet. The Sun 'Mahathir Can't Swim' The New York Times 'Mahathir crosses borders without going through immigrations' The Straits Times 'Mahathir uses propaganda to curry favour.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU PRAY FOR
A man was complaining: Oh Lord, please have mercy on me,
I work so hard, meantime my wife stays at home. I would give
anything if you would grant me one wish, "switch me into my wife."
She's got it easy at home. I want to teach her a lesson of how
tough a man's life is.

As God was listening he felt sorry for this soul and granted his
wish.

Next morning the "new woman" wakes up at dawn, makes lunch
boxes, prepares breakfast, wakes up the kids for school, puts a load
of clothes in the washer, takes the meat out of the freezer, drives the
kids to school, on his way back stops at the gas station, cashes
a check, pays the electricity and phone bills, picks up some clothes
from the cleaners, and then quickly goes to the market.
It was 1:00 o'clock already, he made the beds, took the clothes out
of the washer and put another load in. He vacuumed the house,
made some rice, went to pick up the kids from school, and had
an argument with the kids.

As soon as he got home he fed the kids, washed the dirty
dishes, he hung the damp clothes he had washed on the chairs
because it was raining outside, he helped the kids with their homework,
watched some TV while he ironed some clothes, prepared dinner,
he gave the kids a bath and put them to sleep.

At 9:00 o'clock he was so tired and he went to bed.
Of course there was some more duties, like the mattress mambo,
and somehow he managed to get that done and finally fell a sleep.
The next morning he prays to God once again:
"Oh Lord, what was I thinking when I asked you to grant my wish?"
I can't take it anymore. I beg you please switch me back to myself,
please oh please."

Then he heard God's voice speaking to him, saying: "Dear son, of
course I'll switch you back to yourself but there's one minor detail,
you will have to wait 9 months because last night you got pregnant.

THE EMPLOYEE

The owner of a large factory decided to make a
surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though
the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?"
said the owner angrily.

"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner
counted out $300, slapped the money into the
boy's hands, and said, "Here's a week's pay -- now
get out and don't come back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said,
"How long has that lazy bum been working
here anyway?"

"He's not an employee," said the supervisor.
"He was just here to deliver a pizza!"

Q. & A.

Q.) What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
A.) They're hiring.

Q.) What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A.) "Dam."

Q.) How do crazy people go through the forest?
A.) They take the psycho path.

Q.) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
A.) Polaroids.

Q.) What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A.) National Dyslexia Association.

Q.) What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A.) Nacho Cheese.

Q.) What do you call Santa's helpers?
A.) Subordinate Clauses.

Q.) What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A.) Quattro sinko.

Q.) What do you get from a pampered cow?
A.) Spoiled milk.

Q.) What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A.) Frostbite.

Q.) What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A.) A nervous wreck.

Q.) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A.) Anyone can roast beef.

Q.) Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A.) They all have phones.

Q.) What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A.) Sanka.

Q.) Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A.) Because they have big fingers.

Q.) What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A.) A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

Q.) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A.) A stick

Q.) What do you call a dinosaur that's been dead for a week?
A.) A Stinkasaurus

Q.) What do you call a dinosaur that's been dead for 10,000 years?
A.) Motor oil

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's
animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply.
"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them:
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the
priest said to the pastor .....
"You think we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?'"
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words ...
"hiss and hearse"
~ * ~ * ~ * ~
*Women Drivers* (Don't judge a joke by it's title)
Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left
and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dumb makeup!!!
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL! WOMEN DRIVERS!

Sun Exploration

Four delegates from China, Russia, the United States and Malaysia attended the United Nations' Meeting. All the nations were discussing about space exploration by the year 2000. Here are some of the conversations:
China Delegate: 'By the year 2000, China will start their moon exploration project. ' Russian Delegate: ' We too, we are going to explore the moon. This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon.' Bill Clinton: ' We the United States will also explore the moon for second time.'
Malaysian Delegate: 'By the year 2000, Malaysia will explore the sun.'
There was a long silence, Bill Clinton stood up and asked the Malaysia Delegate: ' Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?'
Malaysian Delegate (smiling): 'I had this thought out already. We will do it in the evening.'

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was
doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
" My goldfish died, " replied Nancy tearfully, without looking
up, and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish
isn't it?'
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your cat"

Philosophy

Singapore and Malaysia have different philosophies of life. This becomes apparent when we compare the two countries' Rules of Simple Living.
Singapore: 1 - One Wife 2 - Two Children 3 - Three Bedroom Condo 4 - Four Wheels 5 - Five Figure Salary
And indeed, that is why 'Singapore is solid'!
Malaysia? Well, Malaysia's Rules of Simple Living are the following: 5 - Five Children 4 - Four Wives3 - Three Figure Salary 2 - Two Wheels1 - One-Storey Link House..

Mahathir's Parachute

Bill Clinton, Lee Kwan Yew and Mahathir arranged to go on a world tour, travelling on a plane, which can only take 4 people, including the pilot. Just before they left, Bill Clinton suddenly announced that he would like to bring his little nephew along. 'But the plane is designed to take 4 people only, and I'm afraid it may crash!' worried the pilot.
However, Clinton insisted, and finally the boy was allowed to board the plane. True enough, the plane encountered problems and was going to crash, but to their dismay, there were only 4 parachutes.
Clinton grabbed the 1st parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the president of the mighty USA, and my life is the most valuable!' and jumped down the plane without a second look.
Lee Kwan Yew grabbed the 2nd parachute and exclaimed, 'I'm the Senior Minister of Singapore, and my life is just as important!' and jumped down.
Mahathir, not to be outdone, grabbed the 3rd parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the Prime Minister of Malaysia, the most important of all!!!' and also jumped down.
Now, only the pilot and the little boy were left. The pilot said,' Boy, you still have a long way to go in life. Take the last parachute, and I'll sacrifice myself.'
The boy looked at the pilot and smiled, 'Oh, we'll both live. Just now that Malay man took my schoolbag and jumped down with it!'

TURNING TO STONE

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the
young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy
couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys
were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a
sudden the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took
off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked
why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me
if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt
something getting hard, so I ran."

Ah boy to a long-distance operator: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME, THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TAIPEI AND LAS VEGAS?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah beng: "THANK YOU," and down the phone.

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah boy's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah boy and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah boy replies: "TAN AH BOY, MARRIED."

Ah boy after completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,, Ah boy proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Boy replies, " SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YEARS."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds. ' Wife wanted'. The next he received 100 letters, all saying the same thing, "You can have mine."

At bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."
" You foul-mouthed swine," retorts the lady very angrily. "In this country we don't talk about sex lives in public."
" Hey, coola down lady," says the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spell Mississippi."

Two campers are walking through the bush when they suddenly encounter a huge, slobbering, half-starved dingo. It snarls at them and, licking its canines advances towards them. They are frozen in their tracks. The first camper whispers," I'm glad I wore my running shoes today."
"It doesn't matter what kind of shoes you're wearing. You're not going to outrun that dingo," says the second.
"I don't have to outrun the dingo. I just have to outrun you."

Marriage is a three ring circus..

1.engagementring...
2.weddingring....
3.suffering
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for
it."

How Do I Get Into Heaven?

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the gates of heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beauriful banquet table. Sitting all around it were her parents and all the other people she had loved who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her - "Hello" "How are You? We've been waiting for you! Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman said.
"Love".
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband said. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

Annual Checkup
An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks
him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've
got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What
do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me
tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never
misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he
accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

The patient enquired of the dentist, "How much do you charge for pulling out a tooth?"
"Twenty-five dollars is the usual fee," the dentist said.
"Twenty-five dollars for such a quick operation?" complained the patient.
"Well, I'll do it very slowly for you so you get your money's worth," counseled the helpful dentist.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

Concentrate on the four small dots in the center of the image,for about 30-50 seconds, then close your eyes and tilt your head back, and just look at a blank white surface or keep your eyes closed and you will be amazed at what appears.TRY IT!!!

ODD JOBS

A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money.
He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man
answered the boy asked, "Hey mister, got any odd jobs
I can do?"

The man indeed had a job for the boy to do. He handed
the boy a can of red paint and a brush. "Paint my porch."

The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went
back inside.
A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again.
"Okay, mister, I'm done painting. But I gotta tell ya,
that's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini."

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS
After submitting to X-rays, electrocardiograms and
blood tests, the anxious patient waited for the
doctor's opinion. "Howard," the physician began, "I
have good news and bad news."

"What's the good news?" Howard asked.

"My son has been accepted to the Harvard School of
Medicine."

"And the bad news?"

"You're going to pay for it."

THE TREATMENT

A woman went to doctor's office. She was seen by one
of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in
the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she
ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked
her what the problem was, and she explained. He had
her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and
demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is
63 years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to
write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though,
didn't I?"

WOMAN
When a woman is 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.
When she is 28, she is a hockey ball - 8 men going after her.
When she is 38, she is a golf ball - 1 man hitting her.
When she is 48, she is a ping pong ball - 2 men pushing to each
other.
MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to
give.
At 30 - He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a
year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled & cheap.

A WOMANS RANDOM THOUGHTS
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

9) They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty .... do it and die."

10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

Signs of the Times
Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital door to colonoscopy:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Another Pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a dry cleaners:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close
the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you
will be."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station:
"Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

A husband and wife play golf together every day.
She always wins. Tired of humiliation,
he decides to break her concentration.
As she readies to tee off he goes up to her
and whispers into her ear. I've had a mistress
for the whole 15 years we've been married."
Needless to say, the wife loses the round.
Next day, the wife decides it's time
to punish her husband. As he readies to tee off she says, "Before we met I was a man."
He loses the round.
At work the next day he just can't get over
what his wife has told him. A colleague notices
his distress and the husband blurts out the whole story.
"Why worry?" says the colleague.
" You love your wife and have been happy for 15 years.
Just forget the whole thing."
"That's not the point," says the husband.
"She's been teeing off the women's tee for all that time!"

** A Different Kind Of Pet **

The guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
owner that he wanted an unusual pet. He then bought a
centipede, which came in a little white box. He took the
box home and decided he would start off by taking his
new pet to have a drink. So he asked him: "Would you
like to go to Frank's and have a Soda?"

No answer. This bothered him a bit So a few minutes
later he again asked him: "How about going to the Drug
store and having a soda with me?"

Again...no answer. He asked him one more time: "Hey,
would you like to go & have a soda with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first
time. I'm putting on my shoes".

Pay Day

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, it being payday, instead of going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his
entire week's wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night he was confronted by a very
angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his
actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like
it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would
be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went
with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he
could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Unique Marriage Counseling

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save
their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each
other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last
straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems
to be the problem?"

Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything
to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour,
describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her
passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat
speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in
disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS
that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here
on Tuesdays and Thursdays."