Marriage and Family
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WHAT SHOULD YOU LOOK FOR IN A MARRIAGE PARTNER?
September 22, 1998
A companion. Not a parent figure to fill needs that were not met in
childhood. Use friends or counselors to meet those needs. For the emotionally
mature person, the criteria for love are that you enjoy being with the
person -- you feel comfortable with him/her -- and you can totally trust
that person. Look for the same qualities you'd want in a friend:
honesty, generosity, integrity, sense of humor, similar values, sensitivity
and similar interests.
And what should people who are considering a serious commitment
look at in themselves?
Background patterns. Is this the first person you feel you don't
love enough to commit to, or have there been several others? If so, dig
deeper and investigate your difficulty loving or making commitments.
Key: If you have a pattern of getting into uncomfortable or abusive
relationships and you're with someone who is loving and kind, you may find
this person dull or boring. It's important to work through your own
attraction to "excitement." Excitement can be a way of avoiding underlying
feelings.
Hint: Ask yourself: who does this person remind me of in my
family? Then ask yourself how that makes you feel.
Any time you feel like rejecting someone or protecting yourself,
it's your internal computer trying to get your attention -- to communicate
with you. Listen to this internal message bearer. No matter what's going
on underneath the surface, you have to listen to this serious little
messenger.
One of the important components of a healthy love relationship is
self-knowledge. Before you can decide wisely about marriage, you must learn
about yourself as an individual. Most important: Understand your feelings!
So, how do you learn to trust your judgment about the opposite sex?
You make mistakes and learn from them. People who are too afraid of making
mistakes don't learn about life.
As a counselor, I sometimes see people who are in a third or fourth
marriage. They continue to marry the same type of person each time -- making
the same mistakes.
What we all realize as we mature emotionally is that we can't change
our partners -- only ourselves.
5 SIGNALS OF MARRIAGES IN TROUBLE
September 3, 1998 (from July 1998 The Reinheimer Letter)
- You and your partner don't say "we" or "us" very often. This
is a signal that you aren't thinking of yourselves as partners. Couples who
are in good health say these words ten times more often than couples who
are in trouble, researchers say.
- Couples don't encourage each other to share their thoughts,
burdens and feelings. If your spouse comes home from work and says, "I had
a rotten day," you ask, "What happened?" You ask, that is, if your relationsip
is on solid ground. If you don't respond to your spouse at all, or say
something like, "I did too," that could be the end of the dialogue -- unless
you sit down and share your separate horror stories.
- You stop sending cues that you're listening. These are little
things like nodding your head, giving words of encouragement that cue the
other person that you want to hear more.
- You make a lot of blame statements when something goes wrong.
This is a signal that you are no longer thinking of you and your partner as
being on the same team. It's okay to make mistakes. We all do. Your partner
can't be at fault 100% of the time for everything that goes wrong. Remember,
in dysfunctional relationships, no one is allowed to make mistakes.
- You and your partner become defensive with each other. When
relationships start to deteriorate, there's a lot of criticism back and forth.
This invites a cycle of defensiveness. Then comes frustration and anger and
pouting. None of this gets you anywhere that's a fun place to be.
What you and your partner need to do is begin responding to each
other again. That's the antidote for withdrawing and depriving each other of
love.
Good relationships don't miraculously fall out of the sky. They take a lot
of work -- every day -- and a lot of emotional nurture.
Start by telling your partner that you're going to stay in love with
him/her for a long, long time.
Email: rein@starnetinc.com
