Sacrifice can be letting go of a lower form for something greater or more spiritual. When seen in its true light, this is not a loss. The sacrifice referred to in this book is an untrue form, a psychological mistake, an attempt to make others lose or sacrifice even more than you.

Sacrifice is giving without receiving. Psychologically, to give is to receive and to receive is to give. It is really give/receive. Giving allows us to connect or realize the connections we have with those around us. Bonding is not something you do, it is something that is. It is a natural part of who you are with others. That is unless there is a conflict within that separates you from these others.

Psychodynamically, at the heart of any problem you find fear / separation. To heal either the fear or the separation is to transform the problem. Sacrifice is a mistaken solution for the need for inclusion. It give fusion, a collusional confusion of personality boundaries. Fusion is counterfeit union or love. It comes from a position of sacrifice, built on guilt and trauma where we lost the realization of bonding and began to sacrifice in an attempt to regain intimacy. Fusion is a counterfeit closeness that secretly thirsts for revenge.

If you are in sacrifice with another person in any form, you have a solution that will not last. Do not compromise, as you will both feel as if you have lost. Come to resolution. Come to a solution that is balanced, where you both win. Sacrifice seeks closeness, but breeds resentment. Sacrifice is based on your guilt and only the innocence of everyone involved will allow for a solution and a true bonding. Do not settle for less. Do not give up or adjust to the situation. Want and choose the bonding. Choose everyone's innocence. Do not settle for sacrifice.

As your Higher Mind to carry you back to your centre. Ask your Higher Mind to carry those you dislike back to their centres. Ask your Higher Mind to carry everyone from the original event back to their centres.

Feel the peace that comes to you as you reach your centre. What could take months to attain would only take seconds for your Higher Mind. Imagine you could see or feel the Light or Spirit inside you. Then feel everyone in their centres, past and present. Imagine the Light inside you is sending out tendrils of light and connecting with all the others in the event. Take some time to enjoy this feeling.

DAY 13

Those you dislike have come to help

Those you dislike are here to help, and only your attitude or perspective would signal otherwise. Let us start by saying that your generel purpose in life is similar to everyone's : love, happiness, abundance, joy, and evolution. Then comes the question of how one achieves that.

Let us say that someone you dislike is over-sensitive, cantankerous and aggresive. Your thought is : ‘If I want to be happy I must stay away from this person, because every time I am around them, they say or do something that upsets me, and I am not happy anymore.' This attitude, which may ultimately be true, will not further your happiness or your maturity if you do not first apply some basic principles to help the situation evolve. First of all, you are not place in a situation in which there is no answer. As impossible as some situations seem, there is always an answer where everyone can win. Secondly, you are not where you are by accident, but by design. You are in this situation because there is some vital lesson in it for you to learn. You might as well learn it now.

This situation points to a long-standing conflict within yourself. Without someone to project this conflict onto, it may take many years for you to get in touch with why you are just not happy. If that person were gone you would still have the conflict inside that defies your best efforts at happiness, and you would not know why. Your pain is the beginningof the healing process. It lets you know of a place where you need healing, a place where you are not harmless. Do not lose this opportunity, only to have to face it later.

All conflicts stem from old broken hearts. All conflicts stem from unmet needs, and your needs are expressions of fear, demand and attack. Your needs are not only met, but transcended, through your forgiveness, your giving forth of the very thing you think you need.

Exercise

In this situation that you are presently in, ask yourself intuitively : ‘How old was I when this conflict began ?' Ask yourself : ‘Who was present with me when this occurred ?' Ask yourself : ‘What was it that occurred when this conflict began ?' Examine the needs that everyone in this situation was feeling. What did you then decide about yourself, life, relationships, etc.? What you decided became your beliefs, and the world has recapitulated itself in terms of those beliefs. What you believe, you perceive. How you perceive comes from those beliefs and you act accordingly. This brings a response according to your belief and your belief is thus compounded and reinforced. Make new choices about what you want to believe.

DAY 12

Those that you dislike are not holding you back

Those that you dislike are not holding you back, you are. As a matter of fact, the extent to which you think they are holding you back is the extent to which you are using them to hold yourself back. The only conspiracy against you is a self-conspiracy.

It takes a great deal of maturity to realize that everything happens for the best, all things considered. Many of us go through major lessons, challenges, trials and tests. A trial is just an unlearned lesson that is now coming around finally to be learned. A test is a major opportunity. It actually could be a life or death situation or a situation where we could feel crushed if we do not pass the test. To pass the test is similar to passing an initiation in that we springboard forward in consciousness. Your difficult relationships are providing such opportunities.

If life is about the expansion of consciousness so that we might grow in love and joy, then this is just an opportunity to transform yourself and move to a whole new level. If you think those you dislike are holding you back, then you have some other idea of what life and happiness is all about. You hold other values, attitudes or hidden agendas to gain love, joy and happiness. Actually, we work hard for so many things that in the end do not even satisfy us, much less give us love, happiness and joy. What gives us joy is love, creativity, giving, receiving, forgiveness and our purpose. In giving and receiving there is a natural flow forward. Forgiveness ends fear and conflict, and creates the vital change needed for movement forward towards joy and happiness.

Not to choose transformation in the face of your problem is to dig in your heels and to try to get the rest of the world to change for you. It did not work for us as children and will not work for us as adults. Adult tantrums that take the form of anger and aggression, or feeling hurt and attacked, are no more successful than our childhood tantrums.

Exercise

Now is the time to make a choice to take that significant step forward. Now is the time to be willing to leap forward to a new level. Now is the time that forgiveness will change your perception and increase your learning.

DAY 11

A power struggle is a place where everyone eventually loses

Power struggles, especially those in relationships, have no winners. If you win, the other person goes into the losing position. From the losing position they also lose what attractiveness they have, and they typically enter in a sacrifice position. Either way, when someone around you loses, you end up paying the bill, or it is only a matter of time before they seek to ambush you and regain domination.

In a power struggle at least one of the parties feels badly. Because they feel badly, they look around for someone to blame.

No one wants to feel pain, and it takes a great deal of maturity not to react when you are in pain or when someone has struck out at you. But it is possible, and it allows you to transform and unfold situations in positive ways. It is a sign of maturity. Even while you are in pain and tempted to react and strike out, you can ask yourself: ‘What would help the situation ?' If you listen you will notice that a way is being intuitively suggested to you. If you respond accordingly to the quiet voice within, you will find the situation unfolding positively. If you choose to move forward rather than strike back, your healing and your life can take a step forward.

Exercise

Today, turn any power struggle away from its ability to stop your forward movement, into a situation of growth. If you are in a power struggle, listen to the voice from your Higher Mind. If you are experiencing any kind of problem today, listen to your Higher Mind. Take five minutes today to ask and listen for a solution. The solution is always being offered if you have the willingness to listen. Of course, one of the greatest arts is to be able to do this listening in the midst of your pain.

Once you see the possibility of having everyone in the situation win, it will occur and you will be inspired by the results. Being willing to change will add to your ability to receive, succeed and love.

DAY 10

Your grievences hide your guilt

This is an important lesson, for it is guilt that keeps us in sacrifice. It is guilt that creates all forms of suffering. This is the guilt that comes from any unfinished business of the past, anything about which we feel bad. This is the guilt that arises out of separation and self-deception. This the guilt that causes conflict because only the self-deceived could be in conflict. We live in a world of conflict, self-deception and illusion as to what has true worth.

Since guilt is such an uncomfortable feeling, we typically deny it, hide it and project it out on others. We can only accuse someone of doing that which we think we have been doing. We can only judge those on whom we project our own unfinished and hidden conflicts. That is why recognizing our innocence is so important both for ourselves and others. Innocence could free us of pain, scarcity and the separation that generates conflicts. It could literally save the world.

We can use our grievances and conflicts as a way to discover where our hidden conflicts and guilt are. Resolving these inner conflicts and guilt is a very easy way to resolve outer problems and conflicts. Properly used, our grievances can be a way to find guilt that is so well buried we would have no other way of finding it. Your grievances can assist you to heal yourself in spite of denial, because your grievances point to your guilt.

Exercise

Think of a particular grievance you have. Spend time now 'owning' that particular pattern as if it were yours, albeit subconsciously. Notice how you treat yourself as if you were doing it all the time. Feel the feeling that this generates until there is no longer an emotional charge on it. Do this until you can say: ‘Yes, this is me. I'm just like this.' Now dwell on this behavior until you can begin to feel innocent about this behavior.

DAY 9

Someone you dislike is your projection

This lesson is of special interest to those who have a deep interest in growth, change and transformation. The principle is really a willingness to see everyone and everything that happens as a learning situation. It requires a willingness to see everyone and every situation as a projection of your subconcious mind and, at times, your unconcious mind. As this makes the outer world a reflection of the inner mind, the outer world can be changed by changing your mind within.

If you remember that each person you see outside yourself actually represents a part of your mind that has been judged, fragmented, dis-identified, buried and projected outward, then you can be much more ready and willing to do the work to win these pieces of yourself back. This occurs through intergrating the missing or repressed parts.

Many people are frightened of intergrating parts of themselves that they are projecting onto others because they are afraid of bringing in what seems to be negative. It is the act of intergration that transforms any negativity into that which provides an inoculation or vaccination against further negativity of this sort. Through this intergration you learn the lesson that is being provided, and then progress on to the next lesson, the next projection, the next step, the next challenge.

This is begun by seeing no one's interest as separate from your own. This is furthered through such forms of healing as understanding, acceptance, giving, forgiving, letting go, trust, communication, intergration, commitment, truth, receiving, grace and responsiveness. It is hindered through fear, guilt, sufferinjg, pain, selfishness, evil, authority conflict, control, hurt, grievence/need and all of the things that seem to generate and be generated by separativeness.

Exercise

Imagine that someone you dislike is standing before you, but instead of seeing their body or personality, you see the trillions of light particles that make up their being. Experience this glowing sentient light as their essence.

Now see yourself in the same way.

Next imagine these two lights were joining together. As they completely join, see yourself emerging in a whole new way with a great deal more confidence. See and feel yourself as having intergrated and thus dispersed the negative qualities, while accentuating and multiplying the many positive ones that come with intergration.

DAY 8

Your grievences hide unfinished business from within the family.

Any unfinished business that was within your family as you grew up will be brought into your present relationships. It has long been known in therapeutic circles that bosses and authority figures'take the heat' for unfinished business with fathers and mothers. At this point in your life, you may conciously feel quite different about the parent with whom you had the original problem. But if there is a buried judgement, pain or guilt, it will tend to show up again in whatever situation you are in now in which there is a chance of getting the old pain out and transmitted.

If you realize that there is a pattern involved, it will serve to lessen the attack you make on others. Then you can bring your attention back to the only place where the problem can really be healed, which is inside yourself. If you take responsibility for this conflict in your life, your responsibility can change the situation.

Even if nothing readily comes to mind about a conflict fro your original family (that which is subconscious does not alwayds readily lend itself to consciousness), be willing to examine your life and your pattern of relationships. Do your present feelings remind you of feelings that have risen in your life in the past ?

The present situation is an excellent opportunity to heal the pattern, to not compound any existing patterns and certainly to not begin any new problem patterns that will later have to be cleared up. This situation serves as an excellent opportunityfor healing, lessening your inner conflict and stress, and graduating you to a new level of consciousness.

Exercise

Imagine that someone you dislike is standing in front of you. Imagine now that what you see is actually only a dislikeable costiume and that if you pulled of the mask, the person with whom you had the original conflict would appear. Now as you are ready, reach over tyo the person and pull off the mask.....Who is there ? Ask this person: ‘How may I help you ?'

Endeavour to accomplish the essence of this request for the person, first in your imagination and then in life, especially as it serves both of your interests. If, in the rare case that their request seems destructive, keep asking them the purpose of their request until you get to the very essence which will serve you both.

DAY 7

Your anger hides deeper feelings

Anger is a defensive feeling that is meant to protect deeper feelings such as hurt, guilt, deadness, fear and frustration. If you allow yourself to know what the deeper feeling is and experience it, the anger, that either attacks or withdraws, falls away. If we become interested in knowing ourselves, we can choose an attitude of being willing to experience our primordial emotions and resolve them.

It is a step in integrity to wish to know the emotions buried within us. We have been carrying them for many years, expending energy on them and not always keeping them under control. They always lead us into situations where they get triggered so they can be resolved. We then have an important choice to make: either we use the situation as an opportunity to learn and heal, thus being open to much greater learning and success; or we use our feelings as justification for attacking another. Only those who blame themselves accuse or attack others. The healed and innocent have no need to obstruct their learning and growth in this fashion.

As you begin to discover the emotions inside you, you begin to discover your self-defeating patterns. As you discover your self-defeating patterns, you find your self-concepts. Self-concepts are either positive or negative.

Positive self-concepts are compensations for how negative we feel about ourselves. They try to prove we are really good people. But to the extent we are caught up in proving our goodness, our negative self-concepts are implied; what you try to prove you do not fully believe.

Exercise

Be aware of any forms of anger today: aggression, withdrawal, passive aggression, suffering and any form of victimization. Be willing to experience what ever buried feelings there are underneath the anger. Ask yourself how old these feelings are and how old you were when these feelings began. Ask yourself about the pattern or compensation that has existed around these emotions. Ask yourself what self-concepts you have about yourself (positive or negative) that these emotions have supported. Make new decisions about these self-concepts using truth as your guide.

DAY 6

Your anger is a form of control

Anger is a form of control. It is an attempt to get others to act in the way in which you want them to act, to meet your needs in the situation by doing it your way. This makes you feel more secure and comfortable.

Anger makes the statement that we are perfectly justified in feeling and acting this way because another is to blame for our feelings. This form of immaturity blocks the ability to listen, learn, receive and change.

Our anger may show itself in different forms. It may show as direct attack, passive aggression, withdrawal, complaining or suffering. All of these forms are an attempt to gain control rather than a means to learn from the situation at hand and change. Even if your anger succeeded in controlling, it would only succeed in putting off a valuable lesson that wants to be learned. To put off a lesson allows it to become a trial later, but learning a lesson leads to greater confidence. Lack of confidence leads to control and anger in its many forms.

Your anger does not allow you to step forward because it has you trying to change the outside situation through control. This always takes longer and is not truly effective. As good a controller as you might be, you know you have not been that effective in controlling others over the years. Even if you have won the control game, when your partner lost, they also lost their attractiveness. By having an unattractive partner, you lost too.

Truly to change the world around you, you must change your mind. To do this at a subconscious level would mean that the person or situation would change without you having to control or dominate.

Exercise

Today, be willing to recognize that your anger just does not work. Take a step in maturity, a step towards seeing that anger is never justified, and pardon always is.

See yourself as making the choice to step forward where both your needs and other people's needs can be met in a whole new way. See yourself as stepping forward to a new level of success. Feel the confidence that comes with stepping forward to a new level. None of us knows what this step looks like until we step forward, but when we step forward things are always better.

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Updated September 17, 2000