Software For The Heart

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Systems of The Heart,
Your Gardian Angel's Production
For Your Body's Soul, Incorporated

Service Rep:
Hello, you have reached the "Heart Systems Software Company" help desk.
How may I help you?

Customer:
I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0...you know..
The freeware. I don't understand it.

Can you tell me how to install it?

Service Rep:
Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and instructions
with you?

Customer:
Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?

Service Rep:
Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no other like it
in the world.

LOVE attaches to your operating system and runs silently in the background.

You will never see LOVE on your monitor or on your toolbar, but you will notice
its affect on every application you may have.

It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or deletes
the bad ones.

Customer:
Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run smoother?

Service Rep:
Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV, ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV,
and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently.

Also, FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there is an external
violation, including the ever- popular syntax errors.

Also, all those irritating errors that say "unable to connect" will be avoided. LOVE allows
for a smooth connection with external devices, regardless of what country
it is manufactured in, the brand name, or the age of the model.

Customer:
That's exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated for too long.
But what about the bad programs?

Service Rep:
Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like HATE.COM,
BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE.EXE. These programs cant be entirely
deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops
their commands from being executed and runs its own instructions. You will
no longer hear INSULT.WAV and you wont be able to write with the fonts
BADWORDS12" or "HARSHNESS10".

Customer:
That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free too?

Service Rep:
They sure are ma'am.

Customer:
How do I get the upgrades?

Service Rep:
That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it automatically
copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external Harddrive Email
And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact with.

In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they have and
return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every
module that you receive. But you have to remember, to receive the upgrades
you have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with other
computers while it is running.

Customer:
I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now.
What do I do first?

Service Rep:
The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am?

Customer:
Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to
install while they are running?

Service Rep:
What programs are running ma'am?

Customer:
Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and
RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Service Rep:
No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current
operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no
longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with
a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE.

However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those
programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off
ma'am?

Customer:
I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Service Rep:
My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE.

Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM
have been completely erased.

Customer:
Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically.
Is that normal?

Service Rep:
Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the
life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer:
Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Service Rep:
Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin
connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.

Customer:
Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?

Service Rep:
What does the message say?

Customer:
It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS".

What does that mean?

Service Rep:
Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE
program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your
HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things but In nontechnical
terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.

Customer:
So what should I do?

Service Rep:
Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?

Customer:
Yes, I have it.

Service Rep:
Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer:
Thank you.

Service Rep:
You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the
"MYHEART" directory:
FORGIVESELF.DOC,
SELFESTEEM.TXT,
REALIZEWORTH.TXT,
and GOODNESS.DOC.

The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any
faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all
directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it
is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer:
Got it. Hey!

My HEART is filling up with really neat files.

SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that
WARMTH.COM, EACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM
are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Service Rep:

Feel Free to call back any time you need help.

When they answer,
Just say: Put me thru to My Guardian Angel, Please.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN