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My Heart Attack
One Was Enough!
I had not worked for a year or more. I was so tired,
run down and suffering from a truly broken heart. My
ex, of course denies any involvement. She is right, of course.
I accept the blame for everything, these days.
It all started with a strange feeling in my chest,
sort of felt the same as the water hose in one's hands as they bend it in
half cutting off the flow of water and release it restoring the flow of water.
It did not hurt and I had no trouble breathing. It just felt strange and
I decided To go the VA Hospital and have them check it. Fearing they
might keep me for observation and that I would not get fed, I had my neighbor
(who was giving me a ride there) stop and let me get a couple of donuts.
Of course, I smoked too. My skin was cold, clammy because I was sweating
and I am told appeared gray.
When I got to the Hospital, it still was not bad.
I had no Idea that I was about to die nor of the pain soon to come.
They took my name and information. I sat and waited
for a nurse to call me and take my vital stats. The strange feeling would
come and go in strength.
Finally I was called, she started with my blood pressure.
I never have had high blood pressure and have had it checked often at the
VA Hospital.
Then while she was taking my blood pressure, it started
to hurt. I told her and she did not say much. Before she had finished it
had started to hurt really bad. The feeling was as if my arms were
being held by a couple of guys and I was being beaten on the inside by a
heavy weight boxer. I started to scream, over and over, make it stop, damn
it, make it stop hurting. finally it dawned on her that I was in trouble.
Must have taken all of 5 or 6 seconds for her to respond, seemed like minutes
to me though.
I was being placed upon some kind of bed on wheels
and being moved and the pain did not let up. Instead it got worse.
I cannot describe that pain, except to say, It was
worse than bad. I never had ever hurt that much. Not the times I was beaten,
not the time I was stabbed, not ever before had I hurt that much.
Finally, my eyes closed, I said to my self, "I can't
take this any more. I'm outta here." Then, I did a back flip and jumped out
of my body, of my own free will.
I was no longer here on this earth, in this reality.
I found myself some where/when else that was bright, yellow, and good. It
felt familiar, I felt normal, except that I experienced a pleasure in being
where I was that cannot be put into words. I will not even try to explain
the experience. I will say this much, the memory of how I felt has faded.
I know it was beyond what could ever be experienced here.
The memory had to fade or I would want to be there
and have taken my life to return; By the way: For the record,
this was not a near death experince. It was a Death
Experience. I say this because some try to tell me what
I experienced. How could they know? They were not there.
Only I am capable of describing
what I experienced.
Needless to say, I came back. A doctor was there over
me asking me if I was OK. I guess I had been gone all of 2 to 5 seconds but
it seemed like eternity.
He chewed me out, saying I should have called 911,
that I should have went to the nearest emergency room. That 9 out of 10 men
who have this kind of heart attack do not live thru it. That the only reason
I was alive was because he was the doctor on duty, a cardiologist, who happened
to have the meds in his pocket to save me.
I never told him what I had experienced nor how pissed
off I was at him for having brought me back,
He proceeded to puncture an artery in my neck and
run a wire in it to my heart to use as a pacemaker connection and to check
me into the hospital to stay.
I was right, they did not feed me. I had to wait till
the next day before I got anything to eat.
They kept me here in the Fresno VA Hospital for about
15 days. Then they placed me into an ambulance and transported me to the
San Francisco VA Hospital for treatment. I was told that they were
going to use a balloon to open my arteries.
I was sent to San Francisco, because the earth quake
had destroyed the Hospital at Palo Alto, California.
In San Francisco, the doctors informed me that my
arteries were blocked pretty bad. That Three arteries were blocked
close to 99% and that one had blood flow of about one blood cell at a time
thru the blocked area.
Further, they informed me that the blockage was bad
and it would not be save to use the balloon thing to open them that they
felt bi-pass surgery would be the only thing that would keep me alive.
They said they would come back later and discuss this
with me.
Three days later, at 11:00 p. m. they had not shown
up and the operation was due the next morning. I had left word with the nurse
to tell them that if they did not show up that nite, I was going to walk
out of the Hospital. They showed up.
Needless to say, I was not in the best shape, emotionally.
I had been shown others who had just had the operation and all of that.
Any way, The doctors showed up, they gave me a lot
of papers to sign. I took the time and read every word before I signed them.
What it boiled down to, was that the operation was still experimental, and
that it was more than possible that I might die from it. The doctors
explained that there was no doubt in their minds that I would die without
the operation.
I had a very hard decision to make. I had to let someone
else be in total charge of me. I had to submit myself and whether I live
or die into their hands.
It was not easy for me to sign those papers. I had
to over come a fear I did not know I had inside of me. I have faced danger
in the past and even almost certain death in the past. The difference
this time was that it was not in my hands; That it would be in some other
human being's hands. I have never had a problem in the past standing up to
fear.
All I did was place things in the Hands of God and
then go do what I had to do. I finally figured out that this was much the
same. So, I placed the matter in the Hands of God, told the doctors, "OK",
and then demanded that they give me a shot of morphine so that I would remain
calm and not change my mind and leave. They did not hesitate. I got the morphine
as I was signing papers.
I lay in the hospital and a catholic priest came by.
I asked for last rights and he informed me that the catholic church did not
do this any more. Second time I had been informed of this. In Fresno, I had
been told the same. I asked that a protestant preacher be sent to me. Him
I let pray with me. I was so high on the morphine, they kept it coming and
after he left I was singing to myself as they shaved my body bare. I
was aware enough to ask that my back not be shaved. The girl or guy (not
sure what that person was) doing it, said they would leave my back
unshaved.
I woke up, I think for a few seconds after the operation
and then went back under.
Finally I woke up and there I was. My arms tied down,
a plastic tube in my throat with a machine breathing for me, and then I felt
the pain. A pair of nurses were there with me. For 2 days I found out what
it felt like to be a helpless baby.
They washed my body, kept the airway clear, gave me
an injection of morphine any time I felt the slightest pain. The nurses changed
every 12 hours.
On the 7th day, I was given a ticket to ride a plane
home, and put into a taxi cab and sent to the airport. A taxi was there to
pick me up at the Airport in Fresno and took me to the VA Hospital here in
Fresno. I was sent home that day with a pocket full of pain pills.
That is the story of my Heart Attack.
A few months later, my arteries were blocked again.
I was found to be unemployable and put on a VA Pension.
Some one forgot to inform me of the deep depression
that I would soon experience and the emotional turmoil that I would have
to endure.
I have, to date, had a triple bi-pass operation, an
angioplasty, a stroke or two, started to have seizures and wanted to die
or be dead quite often. That woman has pushed me beyond the limits.
You may laugh. You may not believe. It
does not matter.
I have experienced moments, emotional moments, where
I could endure no longer. I lay on the sofa, closed my eyes, I
call out, and felt myself be taken up and held like a child by Angels
of The Lord. Peace engulfed me and my soul was made calm. I slept
that most peaceful sleep. I see them often, out of
the corners of my eyes. I feel their presence daily.
I am no saint, by any means, I am sure.
The story still unfolds and the adventure continues.
What more can I say.
Some very thoughtful person sent this to me.
I share it with you.
Under Her Wings"
After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Part,
forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage.
One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely
on the ground at the base of a tree.
Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over
the bird with a stick. When he struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from
under their dead mothers wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke
would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her
babies.
When the blaze had arrived and the heat had scorched
her small body, the mother had remained steadfast. Because she had
been willing to die, those under the cover of her wings would live.
"He will cover you with his feathers and
under his wings you will find refuge... (psalms 91:4)"
Being loved this much should make a difference in
your life. Remember God is The One who loves you and then be different because
of it."
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