Some people say cats never
have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their
saliva that works like new, improved Wisk-----dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my
life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however,
when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives
at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:
- Know that although the
cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize
on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to
chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get
in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower
curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift
positions.)
- Know that a cat has claws
and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know
how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of
steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
- Prepare everything in
advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached,
even if you are lying on your back in the water.
- Use the element of surprise.
Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your
strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain
that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
- Once you are inside the
bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one
of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
- Cats have no handles.
Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him
for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another
squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself
off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
- Next, the cat must be
dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out
at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you
have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply
pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging
to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage
him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and
dry the cat.
- In a few days the cat
will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare
of a plaster figurine.
- You will be tempted to
assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
- But at least now he smells
a lot better.
