Haircut Gone Bad
April 14, 1996

Good Sunday morning to you.

I cut all my hair off. It didn’t start out that way. It started out as a minor mistake while I was trimming my hair then turned into a bigger mistake when I tried to correct the first one and then turned into a major mistake when I tried to fix that and then became a catastrophe and finally turned into, "Screw it!" BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

I have slightly more hair than Yul Brenner had. Brushing it is unnecessary and combing it is impossible. How else can I describe how little hair I have?

  • If I wanted to cut my hair now I’d have to use a razor.
  • Compared to me Jim looks like a hippie.
  • The top of my head feels like astroturf.
  • I have more hair on my back than I have on my head.

    I’m getting a little preview of what I’ll look like when I go bald and judging by the looks of my now very visible scalp, that’s going to be very soon. Ouch. My hair hasn’t been this short since I was in the third grade. Of course, back then I had a reasonable assurance that it would all grow back. I can only hope this time. Either way, at least I’ll be saving plenty on shampoo and hair gel for a while. The first time I tried to wash my freshly shorn locks (now un-locked?), the shampoo wouldn’t lather.

    In other trivial pursuits ... I saw Roseanne’s new Saturday night show on Fox. Some parts were cool, some parts were stupid and one part featured Melissa Etheridge. I noticed that all the members of her backup band were guys. Do you think Melissa and the boys sit around on the tour bus swapping tales of the women they’ve slept with?

    Wow. What a Saturday night. Sitting around waiting for my hair to grow and thinking about lesbians. How could life be better? If you have any ideas, please let me know.

    John


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