Another day in the life of an unemployed bum in Hartford. For recreation today I'm having fun with junk mail. I don't get many other kinds except for bills and it's hard to enjoy those, which makes toying with the people who would like to be sending me bills that much more exciting.

In the last week I have gotten no less than four offers for credit cards in the mail. My favorite was the Toys-R-Us Visa sent to me by the fine folks at The Bank of New York---in Wilmington, Delaware. I got the offer because I'm a "preferred customer". Customer of what I'm not sure since I haven't been in a Toys-R-Us since I still believed that Santa Claus was the one buying the toys for me. And since you must be wondering, yes, I do get a rebate on purchases made at Toys-R-Us if I get a card. Wouldn't that be special.

Then there was the Citibank Visa. Citibank of New York? No, silly, this one's from Citibank of South Dakota. Oooh, now that's plastic prowess that impresses.

Another one that was supposed to impress me was the Hartford Mastercard. That's right, a card that fulfills my financial needs as it fills me with civic pride proudly sent to me by a bank in New Jersey. I'm sure they have one for your town. Look for it! "Hartford's Card," as it’s called in the literature will give me discounts at area businesses. You mean like the DMV? Now that would be useful. But Hartford’s Card is probably a lot more like most of Hartford’s businesses: it won't work after 4pm or on weekends.

The best part about all these offers is that they all come with those Business Reply Mail envelopes that don't cost you any postage to send back to the companies. I really love this. What I do is take all of the junk from one company (that doesn't have my name on it) and put it in another company's return envelope. I do this for all the junk from all the companies and I send them all each other's junk mail! It's fun even for the enjoyment-impaired.

But wait! Before I seal and send the envelopes I add one more thing to make the companies feel as special when they get it as I did when I did: a form letter. It goes like this:

Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms (Circle One) Mail Solicitor:

Thank you for your interest in adding me as a customer. I regret to inform you that I don't need/don't want/don't give a flying flip about (Circle One) the product/service/useless crap (Circle One) you are selling.

I'm pleased that you have specially selected me from the thousands of men/women/morons who read the National Enquirer and believe that aliens really have come to earth to see if they can figure out how Kathie Lee Gifford got to be famous (Circle One) for this special once-in-a-lifetime/one-time-only/One-A-Day Plus Iron (Circle One) opportunity.

I don't want to let this tremendous value pass me by so I'm acting now (I was being serious before). I hope this meets your pre-approval.

Sincerely,

The Unabomber

You think I'm kidding, don't you? Well, I have to go now. I have to get to the post office.

Take care

JMcQ

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