Here I am, eating a nutritious 3 Musketeers bar and a small bag of Snyder's of Hanover pretzels to go with the Diet Pepsi that I hope will give me enough of a caffeine kick to make it through our 11 p.m. news, which because of Monday Night Football won't start until around 12:30 a.m.

"But aren't you watching the game?" You ask. No. First of all it's the Seahawks and Chiefs playing. If I yawned any wider I'd dislocate my jaw. And, although I often spend all of Sunday happily entertained watching pro football, I express my resentment over having to work an extra hour and a half on Mondays by boycotting the NFL that night. Really mature of me, I know.

At least I don't work at an NBC affiliate during the Olympics when the network delays the news an hour every night to show events that happened yesterday when due to the time difference tomorrow's events have already started. Huh?

Forget it. I'll look up the results on the Internet and watch later if I know Americans won. That's ethnocentric I know but it's late right now and I don't root for Canadians after midnight, unless they're playing the Russians. And even rooting against Russia is not as much fun as it used to be now that it's not the "Evil Empire" any more. They still have bad teeth but since I live in Kentucky, which shows more gum than a Dentyne wholesaler, who am I to discriminate for such flimsy reasons?

OK, if you want a CD, you don't have to listen to my songs on the website and pick the ones you like. There aren't going to be any you like, just ones you might find amusing because someone you know made them. I'll make a CD for you anyway if you tell me where to send it. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery. That's how long it will take for me to conjure the courage to subject someone I like to my singing.

Right about now you're thinking that one of the 3 Musketeers has slipped a mickey into my Diet Pepsi but soon enough I'll plunge off the cliff of consciousness along with my blood sugar and I'll have all the pep of a narcoleptic snail reading my little sportscast for the two dozen people who stay up to watch it.

I should go. After my tooth joke, I'm feeling guilty about not brushing after that candy bar. I don't want my smile to look like a jigsaw puzzle with pieces missing.

Goowite. (That's what "good night" sounds like if you try to say it with a mouthful of Crest.)

John

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