And The Survey Says...
March 16, 2001

You've gotten e-mails like this, I'm sure. A questionnaire that you're supposed to answer and pass along to all your friends who aren't already sick enough of hearing about your miserable life. Here's how I filled one out recently.

My nuts in a shell:

1. WHAT TIME IT IS: Thursday. Close enough?

2. NAME AS IT APPEARS ON YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE: John Philip McQuiston. Not "Jonathan". Make a note.

3. NICKNAME: None I know about but I'm sure there are many used when I'm not present.

4. PARENTS NAMES AND LOCATION(S): John and Antoinette ("Let them eat cake," she likes to say, "as long as they don't spill any crumbs on my [bleep]-ing carpet!"). They live in Wesley Chapel, Florida.

5. NUMBER OF CANDLES THAT APPEARED ON YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY CAKE: 10

6. DATE YOU REGULARLY BLOW THEM OUT: 1976

7. PETS: A cat. In the summer the menagerie grows to include a variety of insects that the cat likes to chase.

8. HEIGHT: You mean my real height or what it says on my driver's license?

9. EYE COLOR: White with blue circles in the front

10. HAIR COLOR: Brown turning invisible. My forehead wasn't always this large.

11. PIERCING: When I broached the subject of getting an earring in high school, my father said, "Earring? Why don't you just get a tattoo across your forehead that says, 'I'M A JERK!'"

12. TATTOOS: One... across my forehead...

13. WHAT YOU LOVE BEST ABOUT YOUR JOB: People occasionally mistake me for a celebrity.

14. BIRTHPLACE: Probably the backseat of the same car in which I was conceived.

15. HOMETOWN: Audubon, PA (Yes, named after John Audubon, the bird guy. We lived on Mourning Dove Road, just off Falcon Road, one block from Meadowlark Road. We ate a lot of chicken.)

16. CURRENT RESIDENCE: The one bedroom mansion on Duke Road.

17. BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE?: Love? Is that near Philadelphia? Because I've been in Philadelphia and if being in love is anything like that, no thanks.

18. BEEN TO EUROPE?: Europe? Is that near Philadelphia? Because I've been in Philadelphia and if being in Europe is anything like that, no thanks.

19. LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY?: You mean a person, right? Because there was that time someone wrecked my new car.

20. BEEN IN A CAR CRASH?: What a segue! Twice I was rear ended, once I was a passenger in a car that hit another one, once I slid off the road and hit a tree and once my car wrecked all by itself -- actually it got hit while sitting in a parking lot.

21. MARIJUANA OR ECSTASY: Diet Coke. But I do appreciate being included in a survey obviously intended for glue sniffing crack heads. Thanks.

22. 2 DOORS OR 4 ON A CAR: Don't care as long as it has 4 WHEELS.

23. BIG TITS OR SMALL: Mine are not as big as some guys' but they're firm. Oh, you mean what kind do I like? Any breasts bigger than mine attached to a woman are wonderful.

24. COFFEE OR ICE CREAM: Ice Cream. Juan Valdez can pick his nose for all I care about coffee.

25. BLANKET OR STUFFED ANIMAL: Depends what sport we're playing.

26. BLONDE OR BRUNETTE: The great thing is that most blondes are also brunettes in other places, if you know what I mean.

27. CRUNCHY FRIES OR SOFT: Oh, I get it. A trick question.

28. COLOR OF SOCKS: What color tie am I wearing? They should match that. Failing that, they should match each other. Failing that, any holes in them should be covered when my shoes are on.

29. LUCKY NUMBER: Don't have one. But I seem to have a lot of unlucky ones.

30. PLACE TO BE KISSED: Any place I am at the moment will work for me.

31. MOVIE: "Pulp Fiction"

32. QUOTE FROM A MOVIE: "You mean we get to kill the English?" from "Braveheart." It's a lot better if you can hear the guy's accent as he says it.

32a. BETTER MOVIE QUOTE: That bit that Samuel L. Jackson recites just before he blows someone away in "Pulp Fiction." That and his conversation with Travolta's character about whether rubbing a woman's feet is on par with other, ah, personal activities you can engage in with a woman.

33. FAVORITE HOLIDAY: What difference does it make? I work for a television station, I work on holidays.

34. FAVORITE FOOD: Pasta, pizza and anything someone else cooks for me that doesn't have too much pepper on it.

35. DAY OF THE WEEK: Wednesday. Not really, I just knew that nobody else would pick that one.

36. SONG AT THE MOMENT: Please Forgive Me by David Gray.

37. TV SHOW: Ed or Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

38. TOOTHPASTE: Depends what I'm using it for. Colgate makes a great caulk. Seals those windows air tight.

39. RESTAURANT: This joint overlooking St. Pete Beach. I don't even remember its name and the food wasn't that great but it capped off a wonderful day of boating on the Gulf of Mexico. If I had to live one day over and over again like in the movie "Groundhog Day," that would be it.

40. FAVORITE BIRD: The one I flipped to that jerk who cut me off in traffic the other day.

41. LEAST FAVORITE THING: That jerk who cut me off in traffic the other day.

42. SPORT TO WATCH: Women's tennis. Look at them with their sweat-soaked shirts sticking to their skin as grunt with every effort. AANHH!! Pound that backhand, baby! They shouldn't show this stuff when kids can see it!

43. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT: Why do they call them "fast food restaurants" when it takes so long to get the food?

44. YOUR LAST HOSPITAL VISIT: November 1998. Nothing like hospital food for Thanksgiving. Splendid!

45. FAVORITE DRINK: Slushie.

46. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BEDROOM CARPET?: Got hardwood floors.

47. HOW MANY TIMES YOU FAILED YOUR PERMIT/DRIVERS LICENCE TEST: One. It was the crunchy vs. soft fries question that killed me.

48. WHAT YOU THINK OF OUIJA BOARDS: I prefer doing it on a bed but I'll try anything once.

49. WHERE YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN YEARS: Oh, crap. I'm thinking this is for fun and suddenly I'm on a job interview.

50. LAST PERSON YOU GOT E-MAIL FROM BEFORE THIS ONE: Kelcey.

51. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME?: Convicted? No. Though I could get arrested for stealing that line from Bill Murray in the movie Stripes.

52. SINGLE STORE YOU WOULD CHOOSE TO MAX YOUR CREDIT CARD: Does a brothel count as a store?

53. WHAT DO YOU DO MOST OFTEN WHEN YOU ARE BORED?: I remind myself that I'm not allowed to leave work yet.

54. FRIEND WHO LIVES FARTHEST AWAY: Jennifer Aniston.

55. MOST ANNOYING THING: Inconsiderate people. Ask yourself if I really care about what you're going to say before you start flapping your yapper at me.

56. BEST THING: Bowling. There's just no sexier feeling than wearing tri-colored shoes three sizes too big.

57. BEDTIME: Depends on how long the bowling lasts.

58. WHO WILL RESPOND TO THIS FASTEST?: It was Laura. I had to wait until after work to do this.

59. PERSON YOU SENT THIS WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: I don't think I'm going to subject anyone else to this.

60. TIME IT IS NOW: Why? Did I have a time limit?

John

John


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