AN ACTUAL LETTER FROM AN ACTUAL VIEWER:
December 18, 1997
Dear John,
I am writing you a "Dear John" letter. As a retired public school teacher and coach; I have been around "Sports and Athletics" over twice as long as you.
Please S-T-O-P being "so corny" and "saying those corny joke things." My Irish friends are funny, but you are not funny... just corny, corny, corny; plus, a lot of times you simply "detract" from the very sports stories that you are trying to cover.
You even put the "McQuiston Jinx" on the Lakeland Dreadnaughts.
Here's what to do: read the birth stories of Jesus... in Matthew and Luke. Then, turn to John 3:3 + 3:7; and get born again by making Jesus Christ your Personal Lord and Personal Savior; by inviting Him to come into your heart, 100%. Even Roman Catholics need to get born again, according to Jesus!
Yours, for Jesus Christ and Sports
P.S. Words to "the Wise" are sufficient. Words to "fools" are ignored, and made fun of.
Coach Valentine (retired)
MY REPLY:
Dear Coach Valentine:
Thank you for your concern about my career and my soul. I was especially relieved to read that Jesus will even save Irish Roman Catholics. I am neither Irish nor Roman Catholic but I will be happy to share the good news the next time I see one.
I'm glad that your Irish friends are funny. Please ask them to send me some of their jokes so that I can be funny too. I don't like being corny. I don't even like eating corn.
I am truly sorry I caused Lakeland to lose that game in the state playoffs. I didn't mean to. Like a quarterback who has a strong arm but lacks accuracy, I am still trying to harness the power of the McQuiston Jinx for the good of mankind. But don't forget that I helped the Dreadnaughts beat their arch-enemies from Bartow in the first game of the season. Bartow led 21-7 but could not withstand the weight of the Jinx and lost to Lakeland 22-21.
Thank you for watching. Thank you for writing; and have a happy holiday.
Sincerely,
John McQuiston
P.S. Wise men never claim that their words are wisdom. Only fools do.
I don't know why Coach Valentine uses quotation marks so often. But, then, you learn not to look for logic in viewer mail.
The McQuiston Jinx comes from the fact that I attended and reported on the state playoff game in which Lakeland High School (the "Dreadnaughts") lost to St. Thomas Aquinas in overtime. St. Thomas Aquinas drove the length of the field in the last 39 seconds of the game (aided in large part by a late hit penalty on Lakeland) to score the tying touchdown. Who's fault is that? The media's, of course.
People in Lakeland don't think that the enormous noise making machine they bring to every football game is corny. This big black contraption has built into it a big bell, every kind of police and ambulance siren known to man and even an air horn that operates at a high enough decibel level to make a heavy metal band jealous and they set it off every time Lakeland so much as makes a tackle.
That's not corny, no. But my showing this thing at the beginning of my story and saying, "There is obviously no noise ordinance in Lakeland." Now, THAT'S corny.
As for being saved? Who couldn't use the help?
John
E-mail John
©1997-2000 John McQuiston