PARENT TO PARENT

I receive many letters each week from parents. Almost every week there are a couple letters that ask questions about behavior problems. Although I usually focus on academic subjects and how you, the parent, can help your child learn, I would like to take this opportunity to address the issue of behavior in the classroom - one of my least favorite subjects.

This article was actually written a couple of years ago, in response to an argument that ensued with a child at my tutor center. The young lady was bragging about how "bad" she and some others had been in class that day with the substitute teacher. I was surprised, since this girl was always a polite, considerate and highly motivated young lady at the tutor center. It seemed so out of character. The results of the conversation were quite disturbing to me. She said that she was expected to behave at the tutor center, and knew that, but "school was different". She patiently explained that you didn't have to behave in school, everybody knows you don't have to. It was the teacher's job to MAKE you behave. She was genuinely shocked and confused when I suggested that it was, indeed, her responsibility to control herself and consider others, students and teachers alike.

After a few lengthy discussions with her parents, who were horrified to hear about her rude behavior in school, a conference with her teacher and a couple more heated discussions in my office, she is now very well behaved in school, and takes great pride in her new-found maturity!

Consider what it would be like for you to work in a public school classroom today. You get up every day and are expected to dress as if you are a professional going into a corporate office. You arrive at work early to prepare the classroom for the day's work but you don't get everything done. You are interrupted by administrators with requests for paperwork, the psychologist who needs "a few minutes of your time" to discuss some new policy on student mediation, a counselor who needs information on one of your "problem students"... You haven't even checked your mail (which contains several memos including a reminder that mid-semester grades are due today) and your students start arriving. They are surly, disrespectful, push and shove, and generally have no concept of the meaning of respect, for themselves, each other or you. One calls you a nasty name - again, and laughs when you threaten to send him / her to the principal, who will threaten to call the parent (which probably won't happen) but even if the parent is called, they insult you, too.

Now, you are supposed to teach the students how to add simple fractions today, but many have no idea what a fraction is. You are supposed to discuss the reading assignment the students had for homework, but most of them didn't do it. Finally, you are supposed to discuss adjectives in sentences, but many students can't read, let alone understand parts of speech! You never have any time to do your job because of all the interruptions and demands on your time from the bureaucracy, but even if you do find time to actually teach, many students aren't academically prepared to learn what you need to teach them. And even if, somehow, you are able to get them to learn and understand what they are supposed to know, they act like they don't care, get out of line at the slightest opportunity, and insult you whenever they can.

Another young lady I know, who is generally very polite and considerate, was telling me how she and several other students took pride in the fact that they had behaved so outrageously in class that they had literally driven off two teachers - from the PRIVATE school she attended.

Now, how long would you be willing to struggle in frustration, suffering the indignities and hostilities our teachers face daily, for lousy pay and long hours that never end because you are expected to spend your evenings on the phone with parents, at their beck and call whenever they feel the need to talk to you? And I haven't even mentioned the fear and threat of violence - from students in the upper grade levels and even from some parents at all grade levels. It's a jungle in there. Could you survive, day after day, year after year? I know I couldn't, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to. I adore children and I love teaching. But the classroom environment our teachers are forced to work in daily is a nightmare, and I am not willing to suffer the degradation, frustration and violence. Yet we expect our teachers to be happy, loving, devoted servants to our children.

Helping your child's teacher do a better job is so simple, really. Is your child well behaved in class? Does your child treat the teacher with respect and consideration? What does your little one hear from you when you talk about their teacher? We can all set a better example for our children by speaking respectfully of others, especially important adults in their lives.

One of the biggest problems facing teachers today is the plethora of what I call "professional excuses". It seems that every imaginable problem a child may have and every possible behavioral infraction has been given a name, and therefore an excuse. Our children are bored, and it is the teacher's fault. They can't sit still so they must be ADHD. They are being violent so they must be watching too much TV and need counseling on learning to control their emotions. It goes on and on.

Has anyone considered what messages we are sending to the children? Aren't we teaching them that bad behavior is never their fault, and therefore they will never be punished for it? The next time you are called into school for a conference, ask if your child is polite and well behaved. Many teachers don't bother to inform parents of general misbehavior or rudeness any more. We parents have been offered so many excuses for our children's negative behavior we seem to have forgotten that the simple reason they misbehave is that nobody ever told them they could or should do otherwise. I myself am guilty of falling into the excuse trap. When one of my boys is rude, my first question is often, what did that person do to upset my son, or even what did he eat today that has made him edgy and hyper? Who cares?! Our children must be taught, as we were, that there is simply no excuse for rudeness, and being rude to the teacher or any other authority figure will result in serious punishment, period.

Whatever happened to teaching our children that self control is one of the few things that separates us from the animals? Everybody gets bored, angry, hurt, frustrated. So learn to behave anyway - it's their job as students, isn't it? A child cannot learn academics and other intellectual skills until they learn self control. A child out of control physically is also out of control mentally. This child is not concentrating on a task, and therefore will not be able to learn, plain and simple. Learning respect for oneself and others and learning how to control ones own physical activity comes from the home.

I remember when I broke the house rule, "no running in the house". My dad would call me back into the room he was in, make me go back to where I started and WALK to where I was going. I eventually learned to control my speed, as did everyone else my age who had to WALK in the house. I also remember dinner time. We set a casual but proper table, washed up and put on clean clothes (if ours were exceptionally filthy), and used manners during dinner. We talked, but conversational topics were limited to parents' choice (and they always chose things we could take part in). In fact, most evenings' conversations revolved around our parents' work and then what we children had done that day, either in school or with our friends. Most importantly, whenever conversations turned toward discussions of fights, hurt feelings or unfair experiences, they invariably ended with a consideration of the other party's point of view: "Okay, maybe you did get scolded in the lunchroom for talking, when it was really the girl behind you - but think how difficult it is for the teachers to tell which of the hundreds of kids is doing the talking. Were you facing the teacher? How could he tell you weren't talking if your back was to him? He was wrong, but are you perfect?"

The greatest help you can give your child's teacher is your respect and support, and to expect the same from you child.

Michele

If you have any questions, general or specific, about helping your child improve in school, you can contact Michele at: