HOME PAGE
COME IN HERE FOR A SURPRISE--- USE BACK BUTTON WHEN THROUGH
( 12/02/98) A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out..~~~~~~~~
They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain
transfer level to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was
probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to bump it up a notch. The doctor adjusted the machine to
20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.~~~~~~~~ The
Doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer
was obviously helping his wife out considerably, the husband
encouraged the Doctor to transfer all the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. .~~~~~~~~ She and her
husband were ecstatic.When they got home from the hospital, they found the
mailman dead on the front porch.
(11/30/98)Pearly Gate Admittance Policy------------------------------------------
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change
the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven
you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The
policy would go into effect at noon the next day..~~~~~~~~
So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates ofHeaven.
The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the
man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going
when you died.".~~~~~~~~
"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th floor apartment on
my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight; immediately I began searching for him. My wife washalf-naked
and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was to
give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed thattherewas
a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!.~~~~~~~~
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some treesand
bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die..~~~~~~~~
This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get
the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough,the
first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed itoutonto
the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and
crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had aheart
attack and died almost instantly.".~~~~~~~~
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir.
Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in..~~~~~~~~
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise it
was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died.".~~~~~~~~
Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was
on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Ihad
been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentallyfell
over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips onthe
balcony below mine..~~~~~~~~ But all of a sudden this crazy man comes out of his
apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell.I
hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so Ididn'tdie
right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to moveand
in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things
off the balcony. .~~~~~~~~It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing
me instantly."The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself."Very well
sir," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and helets
Vernon enter..~~~~~~~~ A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.".~~~~~~~~
Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..."
She writes:
The other day, I went to the local religious book
store where I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus"
bumper sticker.
I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car
and I'm really glad I did. What an up lifting
experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection ...
just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice
the light had changed. That bumper sticker really
worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He
must really love the Lord because soon he leaned out
his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he
could. Why it was like a football game with him
shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!"
Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out
the window and waved and smiled to all these loving
people. There must have been a guy from Hawaii because
I could hear him yelling about a sunny beach, and
waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. I asked my two grandsons with me
what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each
other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good
luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the
good luck sign back.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and were walking
towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I
noticed the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas.
Its a good thing I did, because I was the only car to
get across the intersection.
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the
window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian
good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such
wonderful folks.
7/03/98
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by
his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I
need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked
into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on
his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need
a bike!"
Five Dollars
A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson,
"How much is the washer and dryer?"
"Five dollars for both of them," the sales guy says.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the sales guy says, "Do you want to buy them or
not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says.The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars for the system," the sales guy says.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Yes," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a
top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks.
"Five dollars," the salesman says. "I'll take that too!" the man says.
As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why
are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right
now with my wife. What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."
Deduction- (May 16, 1998)
Sherlock Holmes and John Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What
does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
(May 4, 1998)KIDS --- 11 YR OLDS
THE FOLLOWING ARE QUOTES FROM 11-YEAR-OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:
*****
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
*****
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
*****
"Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
*****
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
*****
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
*****
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
*****
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
*****
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
*****
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
*****
Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
*****
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
*****
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
*****
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make > artificial perspiration."
*****
"For fainting: rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
*****
*****
"For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
*****
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
*****
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
*****
4/27/98 - BLONDE ONE
Painter
Julie, the blonde, just got out of the tanning salon.
She was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and
look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
Well, the first house she came to, a man answered the door and told
Julie,
"Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?"
Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.
"Well, uh, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.
"Is fifty bucks alright?" Julie asked.
"Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in
the garage."
The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.
"Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?"
asked the wife.
"Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all
finished," she told the surprised homeowner.
The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"
"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two
coats!"
The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
4/20/98 - JOKE
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that
the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman
acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the
table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just
slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly,
"No, he didn't.
He just walked in the door."
JOKE
Elevator(4/13/98)
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this
father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son,I have never seen
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in
a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above
the wall light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old
woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother, hurry."
JOKE
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in
the hanger at SFO; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them
says to the other "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a
buzz." So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only
drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head
will explode if he gets up. But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good,
in fact he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says "Hey, how do you
feel?" He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great too!!
You don't have a hangover?" and he says "No - that jet fuel is great stuff -
no hangover - we ought to do this more often" "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?
"Did you fart yet?"
"What??"
"Did you FART yet??"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'causeI'm in Phoenix!!"
Email: unisands@yahoo.com
