by Curt Degenhart

What's a reliable way to know if someone's right for you? There isn't one. How do you know for sure if you're ready to settle down? Who knows? Believe me, I've been trying to figure out these issues for myself for some time now, and it is difficult. Who hasn't had a nagging feeling like, "Is this the one for me?" Maybe you've got a great relationship going until you finally get down to the decision to move in together. Then you get weak-kneed, anxious, and stressed. Or what about marriage: "Oh my god! Marriage! Is that where we're headed?"

Here's a question from a MatchScene reader that really addresses the sticky situation of trying to decide whether a lover is the right one:

Mensch_Wench writes: "I'm supposed to be engaged. I'm living with the guy and we'll get married. We're both 50 so I guess it's just routine, but, as I keep telling him, I don't marry every guy I date, so this is a big deal for me. I can't tell if I'm suffering from settling-down fever and I'm not used to it or if he really isn't it. I want something to happen soon. When I ask, he says, "Of course..." It's obvious to him that we're it, together, forever, etc. So why am I still reading Match.Com and why am I writing this note?"

Move up the Commitment Ladder

OK, Mensch_Wench, here's the deal. It isn't clear to you that you and your fiancé are "it, together, forever." That doesn't mean that he's not the one for you. It just means that it isn't obvious to you. Let me just say here that this uncertainty in the face of increasing levels of commitment is common. In fact, your future husband might at this very moment be wondering, "Is she the one for me? What horrible feelings! I can't let her know my doubt!"

For many of us, each step up the commitment ladder is tough--whether it is marriage, deciding to move in together, or even deciding to date just one person. As you point out, you don't marry every guy you date and that this is a "big deal" for you. And it should be. Even at age 50, marriage is never "just routine."

Sometimes the Most Wonderful Things Aren't Initially Clear to Us

So how do you decide which it really is: "settling down fever" or wondering whether "he really isn't it?" Let's look first at 'settling down fever.' If you have some last minute jitters, that doesn't mean that you shouldn't get married. You need to examine what that "fever" is all about. You may already be in a great relationship, but for some reason you can't quite feel its benefits. Sometimes the most wonderful things aren't at first clear to us. We live through rough patches with lovers, jobs, and friendships that have ended, but only later discover just how positive their effects have been on our lives. Maybe as you make the move to get married, you see only the bad, little of the good. You might think that commitment means a loss of 'freedom' or 'passion' or 'spontaneity' or of love itself. So you might have a good thing with your fiancé that your "settling down fever" obscures.

On the other hand, maybe "he really isn't it." What would it be like if he really weren't the one? Of course, only you can know this, but here are some starter thoughts. Would you feel sad? Angry? Hateful? Or could you feel that way even if you were madly in love? (My bet is that we can all feel such strong negative emotions about our partners.) Are you worried that the love will dry up? Why did you get engaged in the first place? Maybe you believe you have 'too many' issues to work out between you? There's no fun there? No passion? You might be downright wrong for each other. Are you dragging out a process that you should have ended long ago just because you're scared to end it?

The Consequences of Upping the Ante on Love

How is it possible to know beforehand what sort of relationship you've got? It doesn't really matter until you realize that when you up the ante in love, you up both the positive and negative consequences. Any change in you and your partner's level of commitment can lead you to feel more of the greatest love and warmth you've ever experienced in your life. And subsequently you increase the chance that you'll endure the most profound rejection and pain you've ever imagined.

Here are just a few of the emotions you might feel when you go from dating many to dating one; from seeing each other five nights a week to living together; from being a couple to getting engaged; and from engagement to marriage and beyond:

Joy. Panic. Contentment. Sadness. Glee! Boredom. Relief. Indifference. Anger! Satisfaction. Terror. Peace. Anxiety. Dread. Fulfillment. Repression...you get the idea.

Talk to Your Partner

Notice that these feelings can't all be just wrapped up in a tidy little package. They're messy, complicated. Worse, you experience them all at the same time. Here's my advice: If you're fairly secure in your relationship, perhaps you could sit down and talk with your partner in the same honest way you've written me. Mensch_Wench, you're making a great leap--acknowledge it. Then, if you can trust your partner with some heavy stuff, let him know that you might be suffering from "settling down fever"

Honesty is important in any long term relationship, so why not let your future spouse know that you've wondered whether "he really isn't it." Who knows, maybe he'll tell you that he, too, was worried just like you are, but that he got over it. Maybe he'll even tell you how he resolved his concerns and you'll feel greatly relieved--like it was just "settling down fever" all along. Or maybe you'll find out that he doesn't really want to be married, but couldn't bring himself to tell you.

Either way, as you up the ante on your relationship, it is time to talk. Maybe what you find out can help you get clear on the next step to take, whether it's up another level, or down the back stairs and out the door.

by Curt Degenhart

What happens when you want to ask a friend out on a date, but you're scared you'll hear, "No, thanks"? What can you do when potential mates think of you less like a lover and more like a brother? This time out, we address the issue of what happens when you're perceived to be more fit for friendship than dating.

It all started with a letter from a Tools reader named Max, who wrote:

What can you do when women--all women--seem to think of you as nothing more than a friend? I mean, being friends is good, but I'd like to get into a relationship at *some* point in my life...

First of all, Max, don't be too hard on yourself. Being 'just friends' is an all too common problem these days when, more than ever, fewer people actually go out on dates, opting instead simply to 'hang out,' pick up a coffee, or take in a movie, all the while acting as if there's no date happening. The line between dating and just hanging around is blurry--and that's where your dilemma starts.

When You Become Like a Brother To Her

Have you ever noticed that friends often don't arouse strong romantic feelings in some of us? They may seem perfect in all sorts of ways: funny, great to be around, smart, trustworthy, similar, and familiar. But no matter how hard we try, they just don't arouse strong romantic feeling in us? This is what I'd like to call the Brother Phenomenon, as when women say to you, "Oh. I could never go out with you--you're like a brother to me." And you know what happens when you go out with your brother. Taboo city. Maybe this is why women can't seem to get past the friendship phase with you.

I think this phenomenon occurs because people linger too long in the getting-to-know- you phase, without getting clear right away about whether their time together are 'real dates' or 'just hanging out.' Haven't you ever felt the initial rush of interest for a new friend, but then suppressed those feelings because you thought that she didn't act interested? But it could be that she felt passion for you, way back when you first started hanging out. You just couldn't see it. Time passed, and now you're like a brother to her. She's known you so long--as nothing more than a friend--and you're no longer romantically exciting. Get the picture?

Get Out of the Rut--Fast

So what can you do to stop becoming a brother and start being a lover? Don't dawdle too long at the friendship stage. If your friend has any romantic feelings for you at all, you'll have to take advantage of the window of opportunity. Ask early, or be prepared to miss the chance.

Picking the right time is essential: somewhere after the "getting to know you" stage but before she starts telling you about all the men she's really interested in. When she starts confiding, "I had an awful date last night," be ready to step in right away, and tell her how you feel about her.

Making the switch from friends to lovers isn't easy. You might not be up to the challenge since it is risky. What if you lose the relationship entirely? That might happen. But if yours is a good friendship, it will survive. And don't the potential gains outweigh the risks? Just do it. Otherwise, you'll always be stuck as a brother, wishing the man she dates were you.