Have you heard this one?
Stephen Sondheim, the celebrated Broadway composer and lyricist,
was
challenged to rhyme something with silver. He wrote:
To find a rhyme for silver,
Or any "rhyme-less" rhyme,
All it takes is Will, ver-
Bosity, and Time.
= = = = =
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up
I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well
honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a
trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What has 3 teeth and an I.Q. of 47?
A: The first 4 rows at a Marilyn Manson Concert.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a
philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a
vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to
banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and a
large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a
trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a
bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: What do you call a group of lesbians with guns?
A: Militia Etheridge.
The girl singer, not being smart enough to use birth
control, says to her saxophonist lover, ``Honey, I
think you better pull out now.'' He replies, ``Why? Am
I sharp?''
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the
dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: What has three legs and an asshole?
A: A drum stool.
Q: What's the difference between a girl singer and a
pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What is the difference between a stage coach driver
and a conductor?
A: A stage coach driver only has to look at four
assholes!
Q: What's the difference between the front desk of
violas and the back desk of violas?
A: At least a semi-tone!
Q: What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in
common?
A: They both suck without Cream.
Q: What's another name for viola auditions?
A: Scratch lottery.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read
music at the same time.
Q: How many trombonists does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: None, but it's the only thing they won't screw.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you stop the spread of aids?
A: Let BMG distribute it.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows
two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion
player?
A: Upward mobility.
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What do a drum solo and premature ejaculation
have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do
about it.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: That's the banjo player's porsche.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's
driving?
A: The policeman
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out
of cars.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a
driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What's the first thing a girl singer does in the
morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a
bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower
alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and
force everyone to move out of range.
Q: What's the best recording of the Walton Violin
Concerto?
A: "Music Minus One"
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano
and a baby elephant?
A: Eleven pounds.
Q: Why are violinist's fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party
and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton. "What's a
Lawrence Welk?" Michael asks. Milton says "It's a
piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."
Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for
difficult runs.
Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set
down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the
conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result
of which is ignored by the audience.
Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many
people at the same time.
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
Audition: The act of putting oneself under extreme
duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone
who has already made up his mind.
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high
school chorus?
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong
classroom.
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some
obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to
bluff until you find it again.
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they
are on the wrong pitch.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
1. A prostitute knows more than two positions.
2. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could
play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't
believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to
do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think
of a way to 'jazz' it up?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first
chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the
second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in
3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3
bars!"
She claims, "that might be too complicated to do
without a rehearsal.
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it
last night!"