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There is so much information on ADHD on the net isn't there?  Not all good or accurate of course, but interesting.  I have an adult son with ADHD and ODD and also a husband with the same.
 

I have just finished reading a wonderful book written by Danielle Steel, whose son was ADHD and bi-polar. It is called "His Bright Light".  It is  their story and is so touching, sad and so well written.  It confirmed to me that Mum's all over the world can have the same problems...getting the help you need and finding someone that can understand what you want and need for your child etc.  Warm regards  Diane Wellacott

  Stanley Greenspan (MD)and others have identified five basic personality patterns which arise from inborn physical characteristics.

The Challenging Child  Click here for  reviews and  on line ordering

The Highly Sensitive Child often makes mountains out of molehills emotionally. She experiences her feelings fully and strongly. She can seem to be very moody, self-centered, demanding, clingy, whiny, bossy, throwing lots of tantrums kind of  child. Her feelings have seemingly taken over her. The overly sensitive child can easily feel overwhelmed by physical sensations as well. A friendly touch may  feel harsh to her, for example. These children often do feel bombarded by inward and  outward sensations and emotion, and they usually react grandly, strongly, and intensely. The Highly Sensitive Child is an easily overwhelmed, emotionally charged child who seemingly erupts emotionally over everything in her life--large or small. Dr. Greenspan suggest a five-part strategy with this child: (1) spending time with involvement, security and warmth; 2) problem solving time for discussing difernt dificulties; 3) empathy for understanding closeness;  4) breaking big challenges into small pieces for success; (5) setting limits gently and firmly for cooperation.

 The Defiant Child: "NO! NO! NO! You are not my boss!" Does this sound familar? These children have a great need to feel organized and in control, and they focus intently on one task. Difficulties often arise during transition from one activity to the
next. The defiant child tends to see the world in a perfectionist wat--all-or-nothing  type thinking-and can get very upset when things don't go the way she thinks they should. The Defiant Child is the stubborn, negative, controlling child who fights his parents every step of the way. Dr. Greenspan suggest that the most important thing is that the parent has empathy with this child's insecurities and "be as soothing as possible." Parents need to "slip under the child's defiance" and offer him love and nurturing, along with kind and firm limits. These children have very strong, intense feelings that parents need to understand what he is feeling.

The inattentive Child is seen as one who finds it hard to concentrate and attend,  and is easily distracted. These children are often labeled as having Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). They have trouble following directions and often wander away when
people speak to them. They move restlessly from one toy or activity to the next, seemingly unable to hold their concentration anywhere. They are seen as "spacey." The Inattentive Child is the child whose parent's describe him as "spacey" or is often labeled as ADD. Dr Greenspan suggests initially figuring out where the  attention problem lies. Is it auditory? Verbal? Motor? Affect? etc. Children with attention problems in one area have no trouble whatsoever staying on task in other areas where they have personal interests. Often times parents and  teachers notice only the inadequacies of children. Dr Greenspan suggests  noticing the child's strength and ablities. They need to practice becoming more attentive in their weaker areas, not in a critical way, but in an encouraging, helpful manner.

The Active/Aggressive Child is the impulsive, frustrated, and easily angered child always on the go. The child horses around a lot, constantly roughhousing or fighting, while his parents call him a "little daredevil." He seems to crave action and movement, along with having motor control difficulties. He may just want to touch his baby  sister, but because of his poor motor control, she ends up being pushed over. These children often have trouble understanding non-verbal communication, and misread
people and situations. A parent's warning look may go completely unnoticed as he increased his energetic playfulness into aggressive fighting. These children usually aren't able to conceptualize and verbalize their feelings--their anger is acted upon  instead of discussed.  The Active/Aggressive Child is easily angered, frustrated and rageful and his  behavior shows quite clearly what he is feeling. Dr Greenspan suggests that it is important that parents help their child devolpa reflective attitude; the ability to think about your feelings and what you want to do then see the consequences ahead of time. This child needs extra security and understanding, along with help devolping his nurturing, caring side of life.

 No matter what sort of tempermental pattern your child exhibits, the important thing to keep in mind is that we honor and cherish them just as they are. We can help our children grow and devolp into all that they were born to be. We can help then grow into their full potential thanks, inpart, to their temperment, but certainly not in spite of it. 

THE IMPACT THAT HAVING A CHILD WITH ADHD HAS ON PARENTS' SATISFACTION WITH FAMILY LIFE

There is a very nice study that appeared in the November 98issue of the "Journal of Attention Disorders" that looks explicitly at how parents who have a child with ADHD feel that things are going in their family

The authors of this study start with the premise that having a child who  is struggling in school is likely to create stress for parents, and perhaps lead to problems with how parents feel that things are going in the family. Specifically, they wanted to learn whether having a child with ADHD poses an additional challenge above and beyond the stresses and difficulties encountered due to general school problems.

 The results of this study indicated that parents of children with ADHD reported significantly higher levels of dissatisfaction
 about family life than did mothers of children with a primary reading disability. Even after the authors reanalyzed the data after removing the children in the ADHD sample who also had been diagnosed Oppositional Defiant Disorder, the results did not change.  In other words, even for parents whose child with ADHD did not have a serious co-occurring behavior disorder, significantly greater dissatisfaction with how things were going in the family was still reported.

 The authors note that although it could be a direct result of having a child with ADHD, it could also reflect the fact
 that parents of children with ADHD are more likely to have ADHD themselves.  Thus, the mothers completed these forms could have been expressing frustration they experienced as a result of having a husband with ADHD in addition to frustrations brought about by difficulties with their child.

With the parents I have worked with, there often seemed to be real disagreement about the best way to handle their child's difficulties. In many couples it seemed that fathers were not willing or prepared to accept a diagnosis of ADHD in their child, and were unwilling to get involved in their child's treatment in a supportive way.  In an unfortunate number of instances, they were not even willing to allow treatment of any sort to proceed. (Please understand that I have no intention of offending anyone here and there are many couples who clearly work together to help their child in a cooperative and supportive manner. I sincerely hope that has been your experience.)

Certainly, this type of disagreement could be one important; factor contributing to dissatisfaction with family life more generally. I  think the important implication of this study is the need to recognize that there can be unique frustrations about parenting a child with ADHD that can spill over to create difficulties for an entire family. I found that parents I worked with were often reluctant to bring these issues up, perhaps because they were so focused on trying to attend first and foremost to the problems experienced by their child.

My experience has also been, however, that providing parentswith an opportunity to discuss the frustrations associated with their child, and how this was affecting the entire family,were often experienced as enormously helpful.  Thus, if you have found yourself experiencing some of what the parents in his study reported, I hope that it is helpful to recognize that yours is by no means an isolated experience.Perhaps developing a way to address some of these issues may prove to be useful to you as well, and that finding a good person to discuss these issues with could be something to consider. 

The Impact of ADHD on the Family and the Father's Relationship with his Child

by Patrick J. Kilcarr, Ph.D.  Georgetown University

 Fathers  discussed the impact ADHD has had on their lives, the lives of family members, and the influence ADHD has had on the hopes and dreams they hold for their sons. Fathers openly shared parenting strategies they felt were counterproductive to fostering personal maturity and responsibility in their sons. They also were very clear about the type of father-son interaction that clearly enhanced their sons' self-confidence, feelings of self-worth, and willingness to take appropriate social and emotional risks.

There is no one magical formula or specific behavior modification strategy that is going to make these children successful. While a multidisciplinary approach is essential in teaching these children how to overcome certain negative aspects of ADHD, the two most critical and influential factors were the father's attitude toward and belief in his son. Mothers naturally and often unconditionally express their love toward their children, especially children who tend to be more needy and dependent like boys who have ADHD. Fathers on the other hand, if they do not understand the way ADHD manifests itself in their sons, may express ongoing disappointment resulting in emotional withdrawal. Many of the fathers  struggled to determine which behaviors were related to the ADHD and which negative behaviors were purposeful on the part of the child. This often lead to a heightened sense of frustration in the fathers, resulting in an over focusing on the problematic behaviors. This had the potential of keeping the father and son locked in a cycle of negative interaction. Fathers who reported a deep understanding of the effects of ADHD on their sons generally were able to avoid this type of destructive cycle by focusing on the positive behaviors which often were woven throughout the ADHD related behaviors.

  FAMILY:

Fathers also mentioned that having a child with a developmental disability like ADHD can put an enormous strain on the marital
relationship. This  stems from different parenting styles or a difference of opinion on how to appropriately discipline the child with respect to negative behavior. As one father stated, "It was uncanny how my son's behavior would be the genesis
of our marital turmoil. It was a predictable triangle. It started with his behavior, my wife would respond one way, I would
respond another, and the result was the two of us arguing or getting angry about our response which all of a sudden removed
the focus from my son." A united front and clear strategies for resolving marital disagreements were seen as essential by most
fathers. Fathers who described a strained or poor relationship with their son often admitted to having an equally problematic
marital relationship. Another father noted, "When my wife and I are having problems we have learned to slow down and see
what role the ADHD behavior is playing in the whole thing. While ADHD related problems are not always the culprit, we have
noticed a link between strain in our relationship and ADHD. This has been enormously helpful as far as redirecting our energy
toward helping our son rather then splitting our relationship."

  EXPECTATIONS:

Fathers described an increase in personal stress when there was a discrepancy between parental expectations and the ability level of the child at a specific developmental stage. One father described feeling enormously stressed when his son was in second grade. All the other children seemed to be reading or trying to read, while his son expressed no interest in reading or trying to read. He knew his son could begin reading if he only tried. He stated, "I began feeling less anxious about his academic ability when a counselor said, 'don't worry about his reading. He will learn at his own pace. Right now, reading is hard and is not reinforcing. As he gets older and can slow down and focus better, the reading will become less monumental.' This helped put things in perspective and gave me permission to ease-off my verbal haranguing." We want our children to follow the developmental milestones of their normally achieving/non-ADHD peers. The reality is that our children are special, unique, gifted, talented, and creative in their own way. This uniqueness will shine when kept in a warm and nurturing place.

Related to this is expectations fathers expressed that their sons experience and learn from cause and effect relationships, i.e., if
you get in trouble, learn from it and avoid it in the future. Children with ADHD often think about what they have done after it is
over. As they grow older and internalize many of the coping strategies they have witnessed over the years, they begin
contemplating a behavior prior to acting. For a child with ADHD, this takes time, practice, and healthy modeling from parents
and teachers. Because a child with ADHD seems to keep repeating an offense, it isn't necessarily an indication that the child is
being disobedient, but rather, the mechanism for reflection hasn't fully developed roots.

  FINANCIAL:

The majority of fathers described the huge financial commitment involved in addressing their children's ADHD. The need for
special services, possibly private schools, counseling, medication, and evaluations had the potential of creating a great financial
drain on family resources. Fathers with limited resources described feeling guilty that they could not offer their children private
schools or private counseling. This frequently created a great deal of personal stress for the fathers. One father said, "It's
overwhelming when I think of the services my son could benefit from. Unfortunately, I can't afford many of them, so I have to
rely on the public schools and the services they offer. It's difficult knowing I cannot do more right now."

The men interviewed for our book, "Voices From Fatherhood: Fathers, Sons, and ADHD," demonstrated an ongoing
commitment to walk the path of ADHD with their sons. This commitment has the potential to enhance the child's feelings of
self-worth and self-confidence. The fathers  noted that it was not always an easy path. They did, however ,express that staying on the path and continuing the journey with their sons has made all the  difference in the world. When fathers are actively involved with their sons, and demonstrate consistent nurturing and caring, the  sons seem to excel in their social, academic, and family performance. As one father shared, "I think my son is doing so well  because he genuinely feels good about himself. He has learned to let things go and not take his off days or off moments so serious. I also think his attitude adjustment definitely mirrors a change in my attitude and actions toward him. I have made a 180 degree shift in my response to him and the type of time we spend together. You can say that it is coincidence that he has been doing so well, but I think it is related to my willingness to change."
 

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The article above was written by author: Patrick Kilcarr, Ph.D., who is Director of the Center for Substance Abuse Prevention and Outdoor Leadership School, Georgetown University, Washington, D.C. Dr. Kilcarr also conducts a private practice in Washington, D.C. He is the father of five sons, two of whom have ADHD. His new book, "Voices From Fatherhood: Fathers, Sons, and ADHD" was co-authored with Patricia O. Quinn, M.D. and is published by Brunner/Mazel,

 Well it was a huge ezine this month we know, and we hope you have found the time to print it off and read it, or spend some time browsing.Use your forum for support and remember you aren't alone. You are a good parent with perhaps a very gifted child and each time you solve a little more of your childs personal ADHD jigsaw you prove that.
Our best wishes, and keep well until next month,
Tricia and Mike.
PS.WE have a free ebook again this month. It is a summary of a talk by Dr Sam Goldstein called Effective parenting of ADHD children. Email us with the subject "Parenting" and we will email it to you.

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