Dirty

Dirty

You haunt me. The dissonance of your voice. The lilt of your words.
The detachment of your eyes. The awkwardness of your body. Our 
past empowers my pain and trickles down like dirty blood in dirty 
drains- this thick, salty lava which you have tainted. Everything I 
touch with the soft pads of my digits becomes infected and withers
away. You are no exception. I recognize that grin that infiltrates 
only half of your mouth. Your power eludes me and frustrates me.

My brain has shunned you long ago and pushed you to its dankest
recesses, but my groin still calls your name with an ache I’ve seldom
felt before.  My throat croons at the idea of our flesh entangled. Our
limbs entwined. Our fluids intermixing. Our saliva exchanging. I
would sell my world for your touch. It was once so sweet, it tickled
my thigh and made me giddy like a schoolgirl. Your nonchalance is
undyingly tortuous and it grates my veins and scrapes my nerves.

I lay in vast fields day after day, waiting. Waiting impatiently for 
droplets to break free of their bondage and fill me up. You once laid
by my side. What happened to you and me, kid? I feel so feverish
now. My cheeks get flushed when I think off you and what you used
to make me feel. No amount of cerebral justification can change 
the past. A stroke of your hand sent me reeling, stole my innocence, 
violated me, soothed me, and calls to me, hoping to erase all memory.

Your touch still seems directed by seraphim to caress my lips, chest,
stomach, thigh, soul. Your feelings for me billow till they dissipate like
coating smoke from a chimney. I could live on what flowed from you. 
I could inhale and be sustained. Now you just cover my lungs in layers
of black soot and constrict my throat. I still inhale deeply, waiting to be
cleansed. Deny me and you deny yourself. My life is cyclical and tidal and 
I will get what I want until it oozes out from the cracks in my fingers and 
creeps across my body, onto the concrete, and swiftly toward the gutter.

I love you like I have loved no other
     and one word, any word, one touch, 
any touch, would pacify me.
     Please satisfy me like you did once.
You once held me so tightly, you smothered me
     and I longed for that asphyxiation.
Now I’m drowning in the air that surrounds me.
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