Everyone anxiously tunes into Cartoon Network as the first ever Anime Awards are about to be broadcast.
From the rafters above the stage. . .
Crystal: Ladies and Gentlemen, your hosts Duo Maxwell and Sage Date!
On the large and very spacious stage. . .
Duo: Hiya peeps! Miss me? I love ya too!
Crowd cheers.
Sage: Hi ladies. Don't fret, Sage's here!
Sage flips hair and the crowd cheers louder. Duo angrily flips his braid over his shoulder.
Duo: Well, at least I'm not wearing a pink shirt.
Sage looks at his shirt in shock.
Sage: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Why pink?
Crystal: I couldn't find a green one.
Sage: Can I have purple?
Crystal: A little late now.
Sage: Please?
Crystal: No, now run the show.
Duo continues to snicker and Sage is fuming.
Duo: The first award is. . . . is . . . is. . . . Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . .
Sage gives Duo an angry glare before continuing.
Sage: The Character That Is There But Really Doesn't Help The Show.
Duo stops laughing and cuts Sage off.
Duo: The nominees are
Kento Rei Fuan
Hilde Schbeiker
Mimi
The People from Pokemon
Tenchi's Friends from School
Mei Lin
Merle
Sage: I hope it's not Kento.
Picks up a purple envelope. Sounds of fighting is heard from the rafters. Sage and Duo look up in wonder.
Amy: Purple? The envelope should be blue! I'm a director here, too!
Crystal: What kind of color is blue? Purple rules!
Amy: You're so selfish, you know that?
Crystal: Fine. I'll make the rest of the envelopes indigo, ok?
Amy: Fine.
Crystal: Fine.
Sage looks at Duo and shrugs.
Duo: I just hope it's not Hilde.
Without warning, Crystal throws a lightning bolt at Duo, who dodges in the nick of time. Laughing it off, he picks up a silver and gold statue. The base is gold, with two gold and silver A's on the top.
Sage: And the winner is. . . .
Sage and Duo: Hilde Schbeiker!
Sage smiles happily and Duo forces a smile, sensing Crystal watching his every move. Hilde walks on stage, a huge smile on her face. She takes the statue from Duo and steps up to the mike.
Hilde: Oh wow! I never thought that I'd actually win this! I have to thank the creators of Gundam Wing for making me the girlfriend of Duo Maxwell, the most loved boy from Gundam Wing so that all the girls out there hate me! Thanks again, and peace!
Hilde gives both Sage and Duo a kiss and walks toward the exit. She is blasted by giant lightning bolt before running off. Sage and Duo sweatdrop.
Sage: Ahem . . . ok . . . uh, stay tuned for the next award!
Duo: That's right. I wonder who will present what next!
Back in the rafters . . .
Amy: Stay tuned to the Anime Awards. Coming up, more awards, and more stars! This show is sponsored by Hershey's Chocolate . . .
Crystal: Put a smile on your face!
Amy: . . . and Chicken . . .
Crystal: The original white meat!
COMMERCIAL
From the rafters . . .
Amy: Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present those two unforgettable faces! Your hosts, Sage Date and Duo Maxwell. (To Crystal) Gee, why couldn't Rowen do this again. . . .
Back on stage . . .
Duo: Hi! I love you all!
Duo flips his braid, checks to make sure Crystal isn't looking, and blows a kiss to the audience. Crowd cheers.
Sage: Hello and good evening. What a lovely audience you are!
Crowd sits in silence, then cheers. Duo begins to laugh. . .
Duo: Nice shirt. It's better than last time. I just love how it matches your hair!
Sage looks down at the shirt he had hastily grabbed from his dressing room.
Sage: Huh? Neon yellow? Why do you do this to me?
Crystal and Amy are laughing, up in the rafters.
Amy: Because we can . . .
Crystal: And I have a key!
Duo looks up.
Duo: Why are you guys in the rafters?
Amy: None of your business, Braid Boy. Get on with the show!
Sage: Can I please change?
Duo: Why should you? It matches your hair so well . . .
Duo pulls on a piece, causing it to fall out of place. He begins to laugh. Sage is angry.
Sage: What the? Hey, nobody messes with the ‘do!
Sage grabs Duo's braid and starts to unravel it. Duo throws a punch and a fight ensues.
Amy: Fine, Sage, go change your shirt.
The fight goes on.
Crystal: Cyclopes, Braid Boy. We're warning you!
They still fight.
Amy: Fine!
Ice pellets slam into Sage and Duo. They stop and Sage runs offstage to return with a green shirt and some Band-Aids.
Sage: Those things hurt!
Duo: We'll go on, just no more pellets!
Amy: Ok . . .
Amy crosses her fingers behind her back as Sage continues.
Sage: Here to present the award tonight are two unforgettable faces . . .
Duo: and very annoying faces . . .
Sage: Here they are, Serena a.k.a. Sailor Moon and . . . and . . .
Duo: Ummm . . .
Sasami yells from the audience.
Sasami: MY MOMMY!!!!
Duo: Right! Sasami's mommy!
Serena comes out waving, stuffing the last bit of food in her mouth, dressed in her Sailor Moon outfit. Sasami's mommy follows, in traditional Jurai clothes.
Amy: I'm going to need an Aspirin! This won't go well!
Back on stage . . .
Serena: Um, hi everybody!
Mommy: I really like your meatball hair and your outfit is sooooooo cute!
Crystal: Oh no. . . .
Serena: Um, food table, I need food . . .
Serena backs up as Sasami's Mommy's eyes get all big and watery. She runs and gives Serena a bone-breaking hug.
Mommy: Oh, Serena!
Serena: Help me . . .
Serena breaks free after a small struggle.
Serena: The nominees are . . .
Amy: Hold it. What award is it, genius?
Mommy: I know! It's the Who the Heck Are You? Award.
Amy: And the nominees are. . . .
Serena: The nominees are
Amy
Heero Yuy
Sai Mouri
Mihoshi
Brock
Mommy: Who are these guys?
Serena: The winner will receive an appointment with a special shrink from Moon Mental Hospital and classes in social skills.
Mommy: The winner is . . . BROCK!
Brock walks on stage, in tears.
Brock: I can't believe Heero and Mihoshi lost!
Notices Sasami's Mommy getting the ‘eyes' and speeds up.
Brock: I'd like to thank Ash, Misty, the Pokemon, the producers, and all the gorgeous women out there! Does anyone want my number?
Mommy: You're all so cute!
Brock: RUN!!!!!!
Sage, Duo, Serena, and Brock: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All of them are chased offstage by Sasami's Mommy. Amy looks around before landing on the stage.
Amy: Ok . . . Um, we'll return after these messages!
COMMERCIAL
From the rafters . . .
Crystal: Welcome back to the Anime Awards!
A girl in scantily clad clothing leaves the stage followed by about one hundred dancers. One the stage is cleared, Sage and Duo enter.
Sage: Thank you, Britney Spears, for that great performance.
Duo: You'd think that Cartoon Network could get someone better, but no.
Sage: Yeah. Totally. Christina's better looking.
Duo: I dunno . . . Watch out!
Crystal angrily pokes her head over rafters.
Crystal: Die, traitors!
Crystal hurls a massive thunderbolt. Sage and Duo scurry about.
Sage: Our next award is the Suicidal Award!
Sage runs offstage. Duo is hiding under a podium, then pokes his head out when the coast is clear.
Duo: Put your hands together for Sakura!
Sakura walks on stage and is dressed in the outfit from the water card episode.
Sakura: Hiya! I'm Sakura, a Cardcaptor. My partners are Li, Mei Lin, Madison, Kero . . .
A boy stands and shouts from the audience.
Li: Sakura! You're not up there to promote Cardcaptors! Just present already!
Sakura: Right, sorry. Um, in nearly every anime, there is a character that seems to nearly die or get hurt the most. This award, I guess, honors them. The nominees are
Heero Yuy
Ryo Sanada
Piccolo
Goku
Sakura: And the winner is Ryo Sanada!
Ryo walks on stage in sub armor.
Ryo: Uh, ok? Is this supposed to be a good thing? I mean, dying for your friends is now considered suicidal? The world's a funny place. Anyway, I'd like to thank my enemy Talpa, my girlfriend Mia, and the creators! Peace, dude!
Sage runs back on stage to congratulate Ryo.
Sage: Congrats! Bye, Ryo!
Ryo waves back, then trips down the steps. Everyone is laughing.
Duo: Have a nice trip! See ya next fall!
Duo falls on the floor laughing.
Crystal: We'll return to the Anime Awards after a few words from our sponsors, Macaroni & Cheese . . .
Amy: I've got the blues!
Crystal: . . . and B102.7
Amy: Baltimore's number one hit music station!
COMMERCIAL
Sage: And now some words of enchantment from Relena Peacecraft.
Very light applause, some people coughing. Relena walks on stage in diplomat clothes
Relena: Oh thank you, especially to the brown haired boy in the front row. Maestro, if you please. Ahem.
The world is full of hurry and hustle
I sometimes think that it's passing us by
Days are like hours, hours like minutes
I'm caught up in it til I look in your eyes
And to my surprise – HEY!!
A giant cane yanks Relena off the stage, loud applause from audience.
Duo: That's enough! Thank you, Directors!
Sage: Hi to all of the millions of viewers out there this evening.
Duo: And welcome to the First Annul Anime Awards
Sage: That's my line!
Duo: Live with it! Whatcha gonna do? Pull my hair?
Sage: grrrr. . . . .
Duo: And here to present the awards tonight is that recognizable face . . .
Sage: And my best friend, Rowen Hashiba.
Loud applause as Rowen walks to podium. Loud crash is heard off stage. Amy smiles in embarrassment before jumping back up to the rafters.
Rowen: Hello, hello. Every year, an anime character shows complete smarts and is well, a genius. No, no. I am not the winner, mind you, they're still trying to decipher my genetics back in Tokyo.
Rowen laughs at his joke, but silence fills the audience, who has gotten ‘deer in the headlights' look.
Rowen: Ahem, The nominees for the Genius Award are
Washu
Clay
Amy
Heero Yuy
Rowen: And the winner is Washu!
From her seat . . . .
Washu: Wow, I won.
As Washu walks on stage, two little heads appear on her shoulders.
A: Yeah, Washu, you're the greatest!
B: Oh most honorable Washu!
Washu: Well, your absolutely right! I would sit here and name all the contributors but I don't have the time – gotta invent something, top secret. Oh, and can you call me Little Washu?
Sage: We'll be back in a few moments.
COMMERCIAL
Sage: Ladies and Gentlemen. We have come to the mini-poll of the evening.
Duo: What mini-poll?
Blue lights fill the area. Sage pretends to be Regis Philman from "Millionaire".
Sage: If you look in front of you, you'll see a control pad. Please vote on for one of the following
A) Sage is the better looking host
B) Duo is the better looking host
C) Both are the best looking hosts
D) Neither are good looking and I'm insane
Duo: This is not in my contract.
Sage: Vote now.
"Millionaire" music plays. Crystal sticks head out from rafters.
Crystal: What the hell? What are you doing?
Sage: Pay attention!
Duo: You're in for it now.
Sage: Yeah, right. Armor of Halo, Tao Chi!
Sage's armor appears. Crystal hurls thunderbolt and Sage uses his sword as a lightning rod and is not harmed.
Sage: Told ya.
Crystal begins to whine.
Crystal: You're mean!
Removes her head and runs into a corner, crying. Sage and Duo sweatdrop.
Sage: Anyway, the results show that 2% of you need to check into Moon Mental Hospital. 5% of you can't decide and . . .
Sage stares at the results in shock and is rendered speechless.
Duo: And 90% think I'm better looking! Yeah!
Sage recovers.
Sage: This is sick!
Duo: Ha, wounded your pride, have I?
Sage: Die, Braid Boy!
Duo: Bring it on, Cyclopes!
A huge fight breaks out, eventually rolling offstage. Whole audience sweat drops. Amy jumps from the rafters and lands on the stage.
Amy: Umm, presenting Tenchi Masaki!
Tenchi walks on stage with a weird, embarrassed smile on his face.
Tenchi: Umm. Hi? I'm Tenchi Masaki!
Amy: I said that.
Tenchi: Oh yeah. Right. Anyway, I'm here to present. . .
He squints at cue cards, then backs away from the mike in fear.
Tenchi: What the? No way, I won't do it!
Amy: Yes you will.
Crystal is done crying and jumps on stage to join the fun.
Crystal: You will, or she'll turn you into a Ryo-oki.
Amy: Good idea.
Tenchi: What? How? Impossible.
Crystal: We're fanfic writers!
Amy: And we control your fate!
Amy pulls out a blue pen and writes "Tenchi turns into a Ryo-oki."
Tenchi: Meow! Meow meow meow! (Translation: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?)
Crystal: See? Now, fix him so that he can announce the award.
Amy: I don't wanna. He's so cute like this and sooooooo adorable.
Crystal: Do it.
Tenchi: Meow? (Translation: Please?)
Amy: Ok, ok.
Amy writes "Tenchi returns to normal."
Tenchi: Thank you, god.
Crystal and Amy: NOW PRESENT THE AWARD OR WE'LL DO IT AGAIN!
Tenchi shrinks back, then nods his head reluctantly. He talks in a depressed monotone voice.
Tenchi: I'm presenting the Most Beautiful Woman in Tenchi and Who I'll Probably End Up Marrying. The nominees are Washu . . .
Washu: Just call me Little Washu, Tenchi!
Tenchi: Ayeka . . .
Ayeka: Tenchi, as a Princess of Jurai's royal family, I order you to PICK ME!
Tenchi: Ryoko . . .
Ryoko: Tenchi, I love you more than Barney here does!
Ayeka: WHAT?
Ryoko: Later.
Tenchi: And Tsunami, a.k.a. Future Sasami.
Sasami: Hi, Tenchi!
Washu: Hmm, If my calculations of the mental intelligence wave function of the two directors are accurate, then I can make a fairly meticulous, informative conjecture as to whom the winner will be.
Ayeka: In English, please?
Washu: I can guess the winner within 99%
Ayeka: Who?
Ryoko: Me, right?
Ayeka: No way. Tenchi loves me, not some dirty space pirate trash like you.
Ryoko: Wow, what dirty words coming from a Jurai American Princess like you, Ayeka.
Ayeka: What did you say?
Ryoko: Die, JAP (JAP: Jurai American Princess)!
Large fight follows with multiple explosions. Washu whistles and the fighting stops.
Washu: Ahem. I predict that the winner will be me, Little Washu.
Ryoko: I don't think so, mom!
Ayeka: As a princess of . . . oh never mind. DIE!!!
Ayeka and Ryoko team up against Washu. Sasami sweat drops and yells to Tenchi.
Sasami: Oh, boy. Glad no one's watching. (To Tenchi) Go ahead, Tenchi!
Tenchi: Oh boy. The winner is . . . Tsunami, a.k.a. future Sasami?
Washu, Ayeka, and Ryoko: WHAT?????????????????????
Sasami turns into Tsunami and starts walking toward the stage. Ayeka and Ryoko attack, only to be blasted back by Tsunami's power.
Tsunami: Thanks a lot. Come on Tenchi.
Tsunami grabs Tenchi's collar and walks offstage.
Tenchi: But . . . but. . . .
Duo and Sage thank Amy and Crystal for doing their job and get back to work. Duo has a black eye and a bloody nose. Sage's visible eye is blackened and his hair is a mess and his lip is cut.
Duo: See ya in a few!
Sage: Bye!
COMMERCIAL
The cameraman sees no one on stage, so he zooms in on Crystal who is banging on a door with a gold chair on it with the word ‘AMY' written in black over it. Amy's voice can be heard through the door.
Amy: I never should have joined in on this business . . .
Crystal: Don't say that!
Crystal tries the door, but finds it locked. Suspecting the worst, starts to worry.
Amy: But it's all my fault. I'm just too ice happy and because of me, two lives are in grave danger!
Crystal: It'll be ok. They will come back.
Amy: But you don't understand. It was five minutes ago. . . .
Five minutes ago . . .
Sage: Hello everyone and we're back.
Duo: How ya doing?
Sage: Well, I guess we should get on with it. Since there's no new news, gee is that a mouthful, except that Amy is scared of us!
Amy: I heard that!
Sage: But you never come down from there! I'm surprised your not a vampire or something.
Amy jumps on stage.
Amy: Don't mess with me!
Duo: Wow, and here she is, Amy Marne! Give her a hand!
Audience cheers. Amy blushes.
Sage: You're not s. . . .
Amy: Not so what?
Duo: Hello, earth to Sage! Ice Powers? Reality check!
Loud scream.
Sage: Shh. I heard someone scream!
Amy: We all heard it.
Suddenly, a giant grey monster thingy blasts through the ceiling. Audience cheers, thinking this is part of the show. Sage powers up and Duo gets his Gundam.
Monster Thingy: Roar!!!!
Sage and Deathscythe thrown around like dolls.
Sage: Ok. Playtime's over.
Duo: Stay there and let us take care of this.
Duo and Sage charge the monster thingy.
Amy: NO! LOOK OUT!
Back to the present . . .
Crystal: And then what happened?
Amy: They both instantly fell into this portal thing and then the monster thingy followed them and the portal closed.
Crystal: That's not so bad! How is that your fault?
Amy opens the door a crack, then steps outside.
Amy: I guess you're right. But I don't think it was a monster at all.
Crystal: What?
Amy: It had a weird symbol on its arm. It was a weird geometrical shape with a funky H and a strange M inside.
Crystal: My poor babies . . . er . . . what's that?
Amy: I dunno . . . But I don't think we should do an award right now.
Crystal: Let's go to a commercial . . .
COMMERCIAL
Crystal: Hiya. We're still on patrol to find our kidnaped guys.
Amy: YOUR kidnaped guys.
Crystal: Whatever. The only clue we have is this symbol.
Both go deep in thought.
Crystal: I got it!
Amy: Who is it?
Crystal: Hey Rowen, can you help us?
Rowen jogs on stage with Amy shaking her head in shame.
Amy: Nice one.
Rowen: I see . . .
Rowen looks at symbol and thinks.
Rowen: Hmmm . . . I think I have it. Armor of Strata, Tao Inochi! An eye for an eye, I always say.
Monster Thingy That's Not Really A Monster: Roar!!!!!!
Rowen: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Rowen is sucked into a portal. Monster thingy that's not really a monster jumps in after him and disappears. Amy goes slightly mad.
Amy: Now it's personal! DIE!! LET ME AT IT! LET ME AT IT!!
Crystal raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms.
Crystal: And it wasn't before?
Amy: Not really.
Crystal: I'll kill you for that later. Right now, we need help. HEY GOKU, TRUNKS! CAN YOU GIVE US A HAND AND GET UP HERE?
Goku and Trunks trot on stage from their seats.
Goku: Yeah? What's up?
Trunks: Hey.
A man stands up and yells angrily.
Vegeta: Why not me? I'm of Royal Blood and I am ten times better than Kakorrot!
Crystal: I don't trust you.
Vegeta: Ah, but you picked my son. My blood runs through his veins!
Crystal: Yeah . . . but he also has Bulma's brains. Besides, he's soooooooooo cute!
Trunks: Oh boy . . .
Amy: Let's go! I need to teach that monster thingy that's not really a monster anymore a lesson for taking my boyfriend!
Crystal: What about mine?
Amy: Who cares. Mine's better.
Crystal: Yeah right!
Cat fight erupts. Goku breaks it up.
Goku: Settle down. Now what can I do to help?
Crystal: We need the help of your Instant Transmition. Concentrate on Sage.
Amy: Rowen!
Crystal: Sage!
Amy: Rowen!
Trunks senses another argument.
Trunks: How about Duo?
Amy and Crystal: FINE!
Goku: Hold on tight.
Goku grabs Amy's hand, who grabs Crystal's, who grabs Trunks' hand, against his will, of course.
Goku: Here we are.
Crystal: Oh boy . . .
COMMERCIAL
Crystal: Geez, we've been traveling forever!
Trunks: Actually, we've only been traveling for a few seconds.
Goku: I see a light ahead!
Amy: We're here!
Goku and Trunks: Where's here?
Amy and Crystal: A mall!
A light fills the area to reveal the world's largest mall.
Goku: A what?
Trunks: Huh?
Amy: I don't get it.
Crystal: It figures. Now it all makes sense!
Amy: Of course! Now, where would they most likely be?
Trunks: They?
Crystal: H and M stand for Mia and Hirde.
Amy: Right, and they have no sense of fashion, so the least likely place they would think for us to look for them would be . . .
Amy and Crystal: Abracombie and Fitch!
Goku: You lost me back at the mall part.
Trunks: I think I hear something!
Goku: I do too!
Amy: It's the guys!
Crystal: Let's go!
Amy: Into the underworld of clothing stores!
They run into A & F to see Rowen in the distance in a skirt.
Amy: NO! That's it!
Crystal: They vanished!
Trunks: I still sense them! They're still here. . . . somewhere. . . .
COMMERCIAL