You Killed *N Sync! You suck! Take me Home!
The phone rings, and Justin gets up from his couch to answer it..
Justin: Yello?
Scary Voice: Hello, Justin.
Justin: Um, who be dis?
Scary Voice: Well, you tell me.
Justin: I gots no ideas.
Scary Voice: Do you like scary movies?
Justin: Yeah g! I saw dat Backstreet Boys home video 20 times, yo!
Scary Voice: That's not what I'm talking about you fucking idiot! I mean HORROR movies! Like, "Halloween H20" or Friday the 13th, or something like that!
Justin: Ohhh! Nah, homes, I don't watch much shit like dat. At least not without my mommy around ... hold up a minute, who da hell is dis? I've gotta fly honey comin' over in a second, so I can't be wastin' my flava on you!
Scary Voice: Her name wouldn't be.. Britney- would it?
Justin: HELLS NO! I wouldn't touch that skank if ya'll PAID me!
Scary Voice: Then who the fuck do I have tied up on your patio?
Justin: WHAT?!
Justin runs to the sliding door and turns on the patio lights. There sits Britney, tied to a chair bruised and bleeding.....
Justin: Yo- it's abouts time someone did that!
Scary Voice: We're going to play a little game, Justin. If you answer the question right, Britney lives. If you get it wrong, then I kill her and leave her body in your Benz.
Justin: My Benz! Oh my God, da blood would never come out of the upholstery! [Justin starts to cry.] Okay, okay! I'll play yo' game, g!
Scary Voice: First question ... name the other members of NSYNC in 10 seconds or less.
Justin: [Pausing] Uhh, well ... um, there's JC, ... what's-his-face Chris!... uh, there's one named Lance, right? Okay, dats four ...
Scary Voice: Times up! Say bye-bye to Britney!
Justin watches in horror as Britney is gutted, her fat rolls out falling all over the patio.
Scary Voice: Now, Justin. On to Round Two ... what color are you?
Justin: What?
Scary Voice: You heard me, what COLOR are you?!
Justin is silent, pondering to himself.
Scary Voice: Are you BLACK or WHITE, Justin?
Justin: [finally, after a hesitation, he answers...] Yo, is dis a trick question?
Scary Voice: Wrong Answer, Justin!
A dark figure, wearing a white ghost mask, suddenly jumps through the glass door. He stabs Justin 34 times. (violent much?) and hangs his body from the rafters.
Justin (dying): Joey! ...Dats..who da other..one...is!
The next day at Transcon, NSYNC finds out the horrible news...
Lance (hanging up the phone): Hey, you guys, I got some bad news. Somebody killed Justin last night.
Chris: WHAT?!
JC: Oh my God! Justin's dead?! Without Justin, we're ruined! Who else can even get 8-year-olds sexually aroused but him? Certainly not any of us.
Joey: Hey, when are we eating?
Chris: Is that all you can think about? My BEST FRIEND is dead! He was the only one who ever laughed at my jokes! I'm screwed!
Lance: Hey, on the plus side, somebody killed Britney too.
JC: Well, I guess every cloud does have its silver lining.
One of their managers, Lou Pearlman enters the room
Lou: Boys, I'm sure you've heard the terrible news. I'm probably losing thousands of dollars as we speak. Anyway, to be on the safe side, I'm imposing a curfew on you. You must all be indoors by 9 o' clock.
Chris: What a fat piece of shit.
Joey (looking up from a bag of chips): Huh?
Chris: No, not you Joey. I was talking about Lou.
Joey: Oh.
JC: So what are we going to do?
Lance: We could just hang out with our friends indoors after 9.
Chris: We don't have any friends, remember?
Lance: Oh yeah. Okay, why don't we just all get wasted and make fun of Joey instead?
JC and Chris: Okay!
Chris: Hey, can somebody get me another beer?
Lance: Yeah, me too.
JC: Me three.
Chris: Joey can get them.
Joey: How come I'm always the one who has to get the beer?
JC: What else are you good for?
Lance: Hey Joey, I think there's a coke in the garage.
Joey: Coke?
Lance (nodding): Yeah, a Superman-shaped one. You can have it if you get us more beer.
Joey: SUPERMAN-SHAPED!! Oh my, God, I think I just had an orgasm!
JC: That was more than I needed to know.
Joey walks out to the garage & begans to go towards the freezer.
Joey: Hey, I don't see any coke! But Lance wouldn't LIE to me! I've shared too much of myself with him to do that!
He hears a noise behind him & turns around.
Joey: What the fuck?
A masked figure grabs him.
Joey: Well, this is...awkward.
The masked killer slits Joey's throat & hangs him from the garage door.
JC (returning from the bathroom....) [YES, contrary to teenybopper belief, *N Sync DOES use the bathroom!] : Hey guys, what's taking Joey so long?
Chris: Who cares? He's gone. Let's enjoy the moment.
JC: Well, I'm going to check on him.
JC goes to the garage & see's Joey's body hanging from the garage door with his throat slit open. He comes back inside.
JC (panicking): You guys! Joey's dead! I saw his body hanging ... (trailing off) Uh, guys, why are you SMILING like that?
JC: Chris! Help me out here!
Chris: Help? HELP? Why? So you can steal more of my solos later? I don't think so.
JC: Why? Why would you do something like this?
Lance: Why? 'Cause I'm from MISSI-FUCKING-SSIPPI, THAT'S WHY! Or how about this? Lets see, how you would feel if people constantly told you that you couldn't dance, that you were really a girl, and that you were having sex with JOEY?! You would want to kill people too!
JC: You've got a point ... but Lance, all those things are true.
Lance: Shut the fuck up!
JC: Chris? What about you, what's YOUR motive, huh?
Chris: My motive? I'm a 27 year old virgin (not really, but whatever) with dreadlocks, and the only people who see me as a sexual being are under the age of fourteen. Plus, I'm the CRAZY one of the group! It comes with the territory!
JC (shrugging): Fair enough.
Lance: But you haven't even seen the best part. (Lance snaps his fingers.) Chris! Bring the surprise!
JC: Oh my God! You've kidnapped Nick Carter!
Lance: Picture this: Nick relizes that he is not the number one sex symbol in America anymore because of a certain JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. He snaps, and goes on a killing spree. He kills all the members of NSYNC, except, of course, me and Chris.
Chris: Being the stupid fuck that he is, he forgets that we're in the group ... actually, most people tend to forget that.
Lance: Then, the reality of what he's done hits him, and he kills himself. It's perfect! JC: Yeah, except ... hey, what's Topanga doing here?
Lance turns around & JC tackles him. Nick pees in his pants. Chris kicks Nick. Lance & JC stop fighting when they see this.
Lance: Wow, congratulations Chirs...You finally did something funny.
JC: I'll say. They start fighting again. JC manages to get the knife away from Lance & stabs him. Chris tries to get JC, but he knocks him out. JC unties Nick, who in turn hugs him. Nick: My hero! JC: Dude, get the fuck off me. (JC brushes himself off.) Hey, now I can finally have a solo career! What a great ending! I'm freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
You Killed *N Sync! You suck! Take me Home!