Steffi |
BLAME GAME
Before You Proceed: If you have a low tolerance level, heed my forewarning. My sense of humour often knows no boundaries; it can be downright hilarious [A/N: maybe wishful thinking] , embarrassingly pathetic, repulsively insensitive, or all of the above. >>>>>
Judge Kevin Richardson: L-a-d-i-e-s---a-n-d---g-e-n-t-l-e-m-a-n---o-f---t-h-e---j-u-r-y… Smile, you’re on te-le-vi-sion! Hi, we’re the Backstreet Boys and you’re watching the “The Blame Game!” On today’s show, we have a very famous celebrity, who also happens to be my cousin, whom I love. Brian Littrell of the Backstreet Boys!! {enter Brian and crowd goes wild} Did I also mention that Brian’s my cousin? I love him. And we have Leighanne Wallace. {enter Leighanne and crowd dead silent} Let’s get this show on the road. It’s phat time. No diggety. Where are our lawyers? {enter Steffi8888 and Joey of 'N Sync}
Steffi: Hello everybody, how’s everyone doing? I know you’re all excited that Brian Backstreet is on the show today. But I’m even more excited to be defending him in court!
Joey: {with half a dozen donuts stuck in his mouth} Hewo. My dame is Jowee and I gonna be defending dis chick ova here, Deighanne Fallace!
Leighanne: Your honor, with all due respect, how can I win my case with someone who can’t even talk with his mouth full?
Judge Kevin: That is exactly the point! Okay, everyone take their places. Steffi, you may begin your defense and you have 5 minutes to prove your case.
Steffi: Okay, Mr. Littrell. Tell us about Ms. Wallace’s run in with Bitchney, I mean Britney Spears.
Brian: Well, actually… I took her to the Jive Company party just a few weeks ago. Everyone had been celebrating the release of our new CD Millennium, and all the Jive artists were invited. When we met up with Britney, she was making fun of my song, “The Perfect Fan.” I didn’t mind her comments much, because I’m a religious man who believes that only God is my critic. But Leighanne did mind. Leighanne sorta went up to her and…knocked her out. [A/N: if ONLY this were true]
Steffi: So being the civilized young man that Brian is, he decided to let Bitchney’s comments go. But the hot-blooded fighter in Leighanne Wallace couldn’t. Instead, she socked Bitchney in a fit of rage. Now that we have established Ms. Wallace’s character, I have no further questions your honor.
Kevin: Plaintiff may cross-examine the witness.
Joey: What da hell are you talking about?
Kevin: {rolling his eyes} Mr. Fat-One, you can ask Brian some questions now.
Joey: But I wanna flirt with Leighanne here, not Brian.
Kevin: Fine, skip cross examination, ask Leighanne some questions.
Joey: Do you think that NSync really copied off of BSB? Alright, um... Did you watch "Loveline" when I was on it? Do you think I'm the cutest NSyncer?
Leighanne: Judge Richardson! I think I'd have a better chance of winning if Nick Carter defended me.
Kevin: Like I said, that's the point. And the 5 minute round is over.
Leighanne: Judge Richardson, I didn't even get to say anything!
Kevin: How many times do I have to say this? I don’t need anymore whining than I’m already subjected to-that’s what Nick is for! Anyhow….T-h-a-t---i-s---t-h-e---p-o-i-n-t. Do you think you would win on a game show in which my cousin, whom I love, is in? Anyway, let's take a commercial break.
Kevin: And we’re back. Time for the next round, Confessionals. Each person has 3 files containing embarrassing information about themselves. When the other person asks you to admit what is in each file, you can either admit, or pass. If you admit the incorrect information, the other player gets a point. The other player gets a point if you pass as well. At the end of the round, the person with most points gets to bring out their secret witness. Leighanne, you may begin, since you’re way behind anyway.
Leighanne: Brian, you try to pass off as being nice. But I want you to admit the info in your "Dog Abuse" files.
Brian: Okay, I’ll admit it. Just so everyone knows, I have this habit of nibbling on Tyke's ear. Once, I accidentally bit too hard, and let’s just say, I pulled a Mike Tyson on him.
Kevin: Okay cuz, now it’s your turn.
Steffi: {whispering to Brian} Ask her what's in her "Taco Bell" file. Trust me, you wanna know.
Brian: Okay, Leighanne, what's in your "Taco Bell" file?
Leighanne: I, I... Of course I didn't hate Tyke. I mean, the fact that Brian talks about him more than he talks about me doesn't bother me at all. I don't really care that he brings Tyke everywhere. I, I, I don't even care that he even paid more attention to Tyke than he did to me in the "I'll Never Break Your Heart" video.
Steffi: Is that why you tried to get "Taco Bell" to take him away? Doesn't seem like something a girl without resentment towards Tyke would do... Calling "Taco Bell" and telling them that Brian kidnapped their mascot in order to replace his lost doggie, Tyke. Now poor Tyke is in the custody of Taco Bell, who knows what they are feeding him. Or maybe they're feeding him to people...I always wondered about those beady looking eye things in the tacos...Anyway, Tyke has also filed a restraining order against you, and once again I will be defending him in court...
Leighanne: No, I mean yes, I don't know... I don't know...
Joey: Do you think this shirt makes me look like Superman?
Steffi: No way? I was sure that big ass S stood for stupid!
Leighanne: Can I get on to my turn now? Ok, Brian, admit what's in your "Most Passionate Experience" file.
Brian: Oh man! It was a long time ago, I can tell you that much! It was over a year ago. I don't want to go into details, but there was a sauna involved! And of course I like to look at pretty girls in the street. What hot-blooded boy doesn't. Actually, I have to say that I don't believe in having a sexual relationship outside of marriage. [A/N: these are all ACTUAL quotes from B-Rokster himself] Leighanne, tell me what is in your "Indecent Exposure" file.
Leighanne: Fine, I’ll admit. Brian's best friend, Nick Carter, always got to spend time with my Bri. So one day while the two of them were playing Nintendo, I walked in and pulled the plug on the Nintendo. Nick was changing in the bathroom at the time, so he ran out as fast as he could when Brian started screaming. Nick saw the blank TV screen and started screaming too. So I threw him out of the dressing room in his green undies, burned all of his comic books and threw his precious Beenie Babies collection out the window.
Steffi: Heinous, just heinous. Unbelievable, I can't believe they don't have laws against this sorta thing! Exposing Nicky in his green undies to a bunch of hot-blooded girls, what would his mother say?
Kevin: {clearing his throat, looking uneasy} Just for doing such a {coughs} bad thing, Brian gets to go again.
Leighanne: But Judge Richardson, those aren't the rules.
Kevin: I'm the judge here. I love my cousin, I can bend all the rules for him.
Brian: Leighanne, why don’t you admit what’s in your "PFD" file.
Leighanne: That’s easy. I um...
Kevin, making buzzer sound: Wrong answer. Ok cuz, call out your witness.
Brian: I call Nickolas Gene Carter to the stand.
{Nick comes onto the stage, with beenie baby in his hand}
Steffi: Please people, let's not scream at Nick during his time of need. Let's have a moment of silence to honor the lost Beenie Baby soul. Ok, Nick, tell us why you think Leighanne caused the breakup.
Nick: The idea got misconstrued really. I mean, why you sticking that camera in my face? This is private stuff and you still keep filming away… [A/N: again, all actual quotes]
Steffi: Umm...Jury, as you can see, Brian is the innocent one. Leighanne is the guilty one. Please stay tuned for the verdict.
Kevin: Welcome back. Now we go to the Internet Jury poll, to see what the Internet jury has decided. 100% of the people think the break-up is Leighanne’s fault. What a unanimous decision!
Brian: I would just like to thank God for this amazing victory. Tyke is still in Taco Bell's custody and Steffi will try to get him back for me. But once again, I thank God. And thank you Steffi.
Steffi: You can "thank me in a different way" in the backroom Brian. {she drags Brian by the tie into the backroom}
Kevin: Thanks for tuning in. See you next time. Remember, you’re all my cousins. I love you all.
Copyright 1999
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