Steffi

BLIND DATE

Before You Proceed: If you have a low tolerance level, heed my forewarning. My sense of humour often knows no boundaries; it can be downright hilarious [A/N: maybe wishful thinking] , embarrassingly pathetic, repulsively insensitive, or all of the above. >>>>>

1: IN THE STUDIO

Steffi: Hey, what’s up? Thanks for tuning into our new show, “Blind Date.” In this show, we fix up two complete strangers and see if it was a “Love Connection” or not. Today, we have two guests. Their names are AJ… no, I’m sorry, those are the initials of the female’s name. Her name is Ann-Jane McLean. And his name is Henry D… Henry Dellogio. First, let’s meet Ann-Jane. {a woman bearing a striking resemblance to AJ McLean of the Backstreet Boys comes onto the stage}

Ann: What’s up? I want to say hi to all the beautiful, talented… sexy ladies, I mean men in my house tonight!

Steffi: Has anyone ever told you that you look like AJ McLean of the Backstreet Boys? Cuz you really do and I’m a big fan of them…

Ann: Well, uh… let’s get on with this shall we? Ok, my friends know me as a guy, I mean girl who likes to take risks. You can tell by what I am wearing. {points to his Bitchney Queers bra top and leather pants, topped off with a purple beret hat}
I actually have this bra-top competition with Britney Spears going on. Anyway, I’m constantly on the look-out for something that either no-one has, or no-one would be caught dead wearing. I’m a really impulsive shopper, if I see something I want to have, I’ll buy it then and there. I got this hat in New York city at a concert once…

Steffi: Actually I like your outfit Anne-Jane! At least you fill your bra top naturally, not like that Bitchney Queers. Let’s meet your date, Henry Dellogio. {short Latino man walks out onto the stage}

Ann: Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?

Steffi: Yeah, me too… You know, Anne-Jane looks like AJ McLean from the BSB, and you look like one of those guys too. The Latino guy who sings those really high falsetto notes that I can’t even reach.

Henry: I don’t know what you’re talking about. Hi, my name is Henry D and stuff like that. Howie doin' Ann-Jane, you’ve definitely got it going on. {winks at Ann 5 times per second}

Ann: You sure I don’t know you from somewhere?

Henry: Of course not, and stuff like that. Why would I lie, and stuff like that?

Steffi: Well, let’s send you two out on a date now.

2: THE GAY BAR

Ann: Henry D, why are you taking me to a gay bar?

Henry: This is where all my cool friends are. Like over there, that thing in the purple, his name’s Tinky Winky. Isn’t that a cool name? I wish my name was as cool as “Tinky Winky.” Maybe I should call my self “Blinky Winky,” since people keep telling me I wink so much, but I really don’t see what they mean…{launches into a fit of winks}

Ann: Ok then. If you say so. {gets tapped on the shoulder}

Justin: Yo, my name be Justin Timberflake. What’s a pretty girl like yous doin in a gay bar likes dis? Has anyone ever told yous you look like AJ McLean of the Backstreet Boys g dawg? Yo, what I’d give to be one of dem Backstreet Boy. I’d give up all mah curly pubic hair and mah whiny voice to be dah sixth Backstreet Boy.

Ann: Um… bye now, I have to go stand over there. {rolls his eyes}

Justin: Where you be goin? Do yous have any idea who I am. My name be Justin Timberflake from 'N Sync. Stay 'N Sync. Wanna go back to my house tonight? My bitch named Britney ain’t coming home…

Ann: No, okay. Just stop harassing me. Go away.

Justin: Aww, come on, give it up. {tries to put his arm around Ann}

Ann: All right bastard, I gave you enough chances. {pulls Justin’s curly pubic hair with all his might, pulls out a patch of hair}

Justin: What you be doin to me. Owww….

Ann: Aww, what da hell? Your blood is green.

Justin: You didn’t think that a human could make the whiny, out of tune sounds that I make…Shit, you know my secret.

Ann: Henry… Yo Henry, yo D…You can drink cocktails with your friend Tinky Winky anytime alright? Can we leave here, there’s this weirdo named Timberflake trying to hit on me…

Henry: Oh that freak…He got rejected by Tinky Winky. They were an item before, but that was before the mishap. Tinky once heard a song called “Music of My Ass.” He told me that all the singers were bad, but one in particular was always whining his ass off. Tinky was so traumatized from the experience, he had a horrendous case of diarrhea and vomiting. He had to be hospitalized. Then, he found out that his own lover, Timberflake was the,whiner that caused all the problems. Tinky immediately got rid of Timberflake, and Timberflake has been on the rebound ever since. Word has it that Timberflake already found a bitch…

Ann: Howard, I mean, Henry, censor!

Henry: Whoops, sorry… Word has it that Timberflake’s new found love is a blow up doll that yells “hit me baby” every five seconds. But he isn’t satisfied so he often comes to this gay bar…

Ann: People are weird, let’s leave…

Henry: Alrightty then…

3: THE DOCK

Henry: {in his speedos} Let’s go out on the yacht named “Hit Me Baby.”

Ann: {in a string bikini} Why “Hit Me Baby?” You know that song by that silicone implant barbie doll? I reacted to it the same way Tinky did to Timberflake’s song.

Henry: Come on, I don’t think that doll can even glue properly [A/N: think hair extensions; or think something dirtier], let alone navigate a 30 foot yacht.

Ann: Ok, I’m trusting you on this one.

Yacht Attendant: Yah, like welcome to my boat “Hit Me Baby” and stuff. Isn’t it like the coolest boat you’ve ever seen in your like, entire life? So pretty and pink, yah!

Ann: Oh God, don’t tell me you’re that silicone slut…

Attendant: Of course not…I’m here to make all your fantasies come true [A/N: now that everyone is trading in their Bitchney Queers’s CD for 30 year old moth balls at any bargain flea mart that will accept the CD, Bitchney is finding *cough* creative ways to earn a living]

Ann: Just give us a ride on your boat here… That’s all we want, a relaxing day out on the ocean.

Attendant: I’ll give you a ride…

Henry: Whoa… Stop hitting on my date.

Attendant: Well, like hitting is my specialty. Let me demonstrate…
HiTt MmeE BabbyY OoNeE MMORRe TiimmEE…[A/N: hope you can imagine how horrible it sounds]

Ann: Uh…let’s just leave now Henry…

Henry: Good Idea…

4: AT THE STUDIO

Steffi: Well, were Ann and Henry’s visit to the gay bar and dock enough for a love connection? We’ll find out after the commercial break…

Steffi: And we’re back. Here’s what Ann-Jane and Henry had to say about their date.

Ann: Well, in general, Henry is a pretty nice guy. But I don’t know how much of the gay bar I can stand. I don’t know if I could compete against Tinky Winky for his attention. {takes off his wig}
And yes, I was in disguise for the whole date… I really am AJ McLean. I’ll probably never go on one of these blind dates again, I’d rather go shopping with my best friend Howie, even though he shops in the women’s section. {Steffi pounces on top of AJ}

Howie: Ann-Jane is a nice girl, she really is. It’s just that she really had a bad reaction to my friends. So what if Tinky Winky’s gay? Anyhow…I can’t believe that in one date, Ann-Jane attracted the attention of both Justin Timberflake and Britney Spears. It must be a gift. Next time I’m bored, I’ll probably think twice about going on a Blind Date. I’d much rather go shopping with my best friend AJ at the Center of the Dull.

Steffi: Well there you have it. We don’t always make a love connection on this show, but at least we try… Tune in next week. I’ll be trying to get a date with hot stuff Kevin Richardson of the Backstreet Boys. Until next time.

Copyright 2001

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Steffi