Steffi

BOYBANDS VS. THE FAGSOME FIVE

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I present you with your case. ‘N Sync is certainly not the only boy-band in the world today, and will not be the last. But out of all boy-bands to date, is ‘N Sync the worst one? I will present you with some evidence and I ask that you, the jury, solely make your final decision on the evidence and not on previous bias. And so we begin the trial of the Boy-Bands vs. The Fagsome Five…

EXHIBIT A: 5IVE

British Bad Boys. 5ive’s music has a real hip-hop, dance edge, like “If Ya Getting Down” and “Everybody Get Up.” For British boys, they can rap pretty well. Since rap and harmony is an oxymoron, their harmonies are under-developed. However, their fresh, urban style dance moves in the videos make up for lack of harmony. And they have a rather high cute guy ratio: 4/5.
My Verdict: 5ive is better than NStink.

EXHIBIT B: 98 DEGREES

98 Degrees is "America's Third Favourite Boyband." Their songs “Because of You” and “I Do Cherish You” are sweet, sentimental love songs. Their harmonies are really smooth and polished. They can pop some dance moves as well, but their songs are not exactly fit for dancing. The cute guy ratio in 98 Degrees is 3:4.
My Verdict: 98 Degrees is far better than NStink. I feel bad even mentioning them in the same sentence.

EXHIBIT C: HANSON

NStink is always the bridesmaid, never the bride. NStink might have almost scored its first win. But again, the key word here is almost . Hanson has the same cute guy ratio as NStink: 0! But what sets Hanson apart? They can play their own instruments and they write their own songs.
My Verdict: Hanson just barely, barely, barely surpasses NStink.

EXHIBIT D: LFO

Lyte Funkie Ones. The name has a certain cringe-factor, but “'N Sync” does as well. [A/N: so does “Backstreet Boys,” but that is the topic of another section] LFO is also more geared into hip-hop, R&B and what I call "talking rap." For example, “Summer Girls” and “Girl On TV” exhibit this type of flavour. On the whole, the guys’ harmonies are developed, but individually, 2 of the guys have talent. Their dancing is minimally acceptable. Cute guy ratio: 2/3.
My Verdict: LFO is better than NStink.

EXHIBIT E: NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK

Step by step, NKOTB conquered the world in the 1980s. With such pop hits as “Step by Step” and “The Right Stuff,” they can be considered the grandfather predecessor of the modern boy band. However, talent -wise, only two of the members had the right stuff: Joey McIntyre and Jordan Knight. They have even launched solo careers in 1999. Although singing and harmonizing was not their forte, they were incredible shows-man, putting on spectacular concerts with dancing and the works. And the cute guy ratio was 3:5.
My Verdict: NKOTB was better than NStink.

EXHIBIT F: TAKE 5

To be honest, I have only heard one of Take 5’s songs, but it was run-of-the-mill teenybopperish pop. And their dance moves are horrendous. But they do have a cute guy ratio of 2/5. What was NStink’s cute guy ratio? 0/5.
My Verdict: Take 5 barely makes it. But a win is a win.

EXHIBIT G: THE MEATY CHEESY BOYS

The Meaty Cheesy Boys are a spoof on 'N Sync. But the funny thing is that they are better than the original! The Meaty Cheesy boys are actually in sync when they sing and dance, contrary to the guys who are actually named 'N Sync. Would you not rather hear about meaty cheesy cheeseburgers than a guy who cannot make up his mind whether his girlfriend should tear up his heart or not?
My Verdict: Even their spoof is better than them.

7 losses in 7 rounds means NStink is undoubtly the worst boy-band ever to walk on the face of this earth. Congratulations. Your little cheap, plastic trophy is on the way to your dog-pound. [A/N: ouch, that hurt]

BACK