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ROCKER GUY BEAUTY PAGEANT

After witnessing the success of the “Hockey Guy Beauty Pageant,” the rockers arrived at my palatial manor late one night, demanding their 15 minutes. Following their nightlong persuasion efforts (I’m just the regular pimp momma, ain’t I …), I decided to grant their wish. I now present the subsidiary “Rocker Guy Beauty Pageant:”

1. BLINK 182'S MARK HOPPUS AND TOM DELONGE (Hoppus, left; Delonge, right):
   
   Mark Hoppus describes himself as insecure; if being handsome, talented and wealthy are qualities to be insecure about, then by all means, continue to be insecure.
   
   Tom Delonge is immature and childish, and some quotes that have escaped from his mouth can best be described as unbelievable. Yet, he is also lovable and adorable.
   
   
2. BOYD, BRANDON (middle):
   
   Brandon Boyd, the lead singer of alternative rock group Incubus, has an indescribably hypnotic quality about him. When he seizes the microphone, people listen; he always does something worthwhile for the audience.
   
   
3. KROEGER, MIKE:
   
   Nickelback, the Canuck rockers, includes the brother duo of Chad and Mike Kroeger. Whereas Chad’s personal hygiene is a public health concern (once heard of him being described as “Crazy Jesus Man…” also, he apparently “fell from a tree and hit every damn branch on the way…” personally no comment…), Mike is the complete opposite; he has short, sexy hair and is clean-cut, making him infinitely more attractive than Chad.
   
   
4. LINKIN PARK'S CHESTER BENNINGTON, JOESPH HAHN AND MIKE SHINODA (Bennington, far left; Hahn, beside Bennington; Shinoda: far right):
   
   Chester Bennington, Linkin Park’s lead singer, delivers the band’s introspective lyrics intensely and passionately; whether he sadistically screams or sensitively sings, he is always genuine.
   
   Co front-man Mike Shinoda performs the rap solos that compliment Chester’s singing and contribute to Linkin Park’s distinctive sound. Although rap does not suit the nature of Linkin Park’s music, Mike’s deliverance is compelling and he makes the genre work within the boundaries.
   
   Behind the scenes, turntable technician Joseph Hahn completes Linkin Park’s signature sound. He seldom has an individual shot in a Linkin Park video; he seems reserved and fascinatingly mysterious.
   
   
5. MATHERS, MARSHALL:
   
   Marshall Mathers, also known as “Eminem,” also known as “Slim Shady,” has conquered the short attention span of the world’s youth with his controversial lyrics. However, he is gorgeous (hm…sounds ironically boybandish, but I couldn’t think of any other word…cute seemed too juvenile, and besides, it’s the total package, not just the face…), even while rapping about murder and machetes. As well, his deliverance of lyrics is unlike any other rapper out there; he communicates with such unrefined intensity, it can be bloodcurdling at times.
   
   
6. PEAKE, RYAN:
   
   Nickelback’s supporting guitarist Ryan Peake is casual and cavalier. He maintains equilibrium in the band, often neutralizing Chad’s apprehension (as observed in Much Music’s special, “On The Road With Nickelback…”).
   
   
7. SMITH, DALLAS (right):
   
   Dallas Smith, the diva of Default (haha…you had to watch the interview…), is the rocker boyfriend that a mother would approve of (hopefully, my mother…wishful thinking…). He has the handsome innocence of a boyband member (you know, I wonder if rock guys ever like to be compared to boyband guys…too bad, if not, I’m still gonna compare them to each other…), but the passion of a rock group front-man.
   
   
8. WHIBLEY, DERYCK (far left):
   
   Sum 41’s Deryck Whibley is a pop-punk prankster: often humorous, always adorable.

Our rock’n’roll gods (yes, I know…Eminem isn’t a rocker, but he is for the purposes of this site, to make my life easier so I don’t have to start another pageant featuring rappers…) have taken center stage. They have each given their Miss America kiss, cry and wave.

And the “Rocker Guy Beauty Queen is:
2000: Tom Delonge (First runner-up: Mark Hoppus, Second runner-up: Brandon Boyd)
2001: Ryan Peake (First runner-up: Dallas Smith, Second runner-up: Deryck Whibley)
2002: Marshall Mathers (First runner-up: Chester Bennington, Second runner-up: Joesph Hahn)

2003: Mike Shinoda (First runner-up: Joesph Hahn, Second runner-up: Chester Bennington)

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