Jemi: (looking at the title) That's not how you spell my name!
Veroni: No... but that's how we're gonna spell it here because it fits better.
Lec: And we're doing this, why??
Veroni: Because I just saw Annie live *and* that new Disney one on TV. And I always love jumpin' the bandwagon, so deal
with it.
Vicky: You're so demanding!!
Veroni: Hey, it's a hard-knock life Vicky...
Munku: Uhhh... icky pun! Icky pun!
Veroni: Thank you ever so much! I try...
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Scene 1
Our all-too-familiar story opens in the Junkyard Orphanage where we see a half dozen kittens about ready to go to bed for the night. The smallest one of the group is laying on her bed trembling and suddenly cries out...
Vicky: This is *so* embarrasing...
Vicky: Momma? Mommy!! Daddy....
Lec: Aw, quit yer wining!
Vicky: Momma??
Our little heroine appears to comfort Vicky.
Jemi: Aww, Vicky... Come here! You were just having a nightmare is all.
Vicky: *snif* Tell me about your parents, Jemmie.
Jemi: Well, they left me with half a locket on the doorstep of this 'ere orphanage with a note that reads.. "Please take care of our Jemmie. She was born--"
Lec: On October 28th..." JEMMIE!! We've all heard your story before!! Now shut up!!
Jemi: Wanna make me?!
The kittens roll around on the floor in a flurry of claws and fur.
Vicky: Oh dear! Oh dear! Oh dear! They're fighting!!
Misto: What was your first clue, Vic?
Vicky: Hmph...
Eventually they stop and settle down again for the night... Vicky crawls over to Jemmie and lays on her lap.
Backstage Cats: Awwww....
Jemi: Excuse me! I'm tryin' to sing a touching song here!!
Same Cats: Sor-ry!
Jemi:
So maybe now it's time
And maybe when I wake
They'll be there callin' me baby...
Maybe...
Veroni: *snif* That song always gets me...
Tugger: (making gaging noises)
Veroni: Pardon me?
Tugger: Just gettin' into character here for later on, Veroni...
Veroni: I'll bet.
So after Jemmie gets Vic to sleep, she decides that she wants to run away again. She's tried before and never gotten much beyond the front steps.. but she has that feeling in her stomach that tonight she'll get away and find her parents, (it's either that or gas..). She moves out into the hall and manages to open the door a crack before she is caught--
Jemi: Guess it was gas...
-- by the evil and ruthless owner of the orphanage... Ms. Anydots.
Jenny: I'M a bad guy?
Tugger: Welcome to the dark side!
Veroni: No Star Wars references allowed here!!
Jenny: And where do you think you're goin' you little brat?!
Jemi: You wouldn't believe a night stroll, would you?
Jenny: Nice try. (she hauls Jemmie into the orphan's bedroom) ALRIGHT YOU LOUSY KITTENS!!! Up and at 'em!
Cetera: Wha-at? It's 1:00 in the morning!!
Jenny: Thanks to your little friend Jemmie here, you girls will be getting an early start on the day! Scrub the floor and strip those beds!! NOW!!
Jenny: This is so not me it's not even funny!
The kittens drag out their buckets and scrub brushes and-- what else? Sing!
Kittens:
It's the hard-knock life for us!
It's the hard-knock life for us!
'Stead of treated, we get tricked!
'Stead of kisses, we get kicked!
It's the hard-knock life!
As they clean, they mock Ms. Anydots until the laundry guy shows up.
Veroni: Psssst!! I need a laundry guy!
All the toms step back except for Pouncival, who wasn't paying attention.
Veroni: Thanks, Pounce! Here you go! (hands him the laundry bag)
Pounce: Huh? What the-- Gee thanks, guys.
All Toms in Unison: You're welcome, Pounce!
Orphans: Look! It's Mr. Poundles!
Pounce: Great! I gotta dumb name too! What did I ever do to deserve this *cough* honor?
The kittens load up the laundry cart and Poundles transferrs the load to his laundry sack.
Pounce: Why the heck is this thing so heavy?
Jemi: (inside the bag) Read the script and figure it out!
Pounce: Oh! Right...
As you could imagine, Ms. Anydots goes balistic when she finds that Jemmie escaped in the laundry bag. She runs down the road after Pounce....
Pounce: The ladies love me!!
Tugger: Puh-lease!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Scene 2
Jemmie walks down the road and encounters a little lost dog, (Okay, so it's actually Mungojerrie with a shoebox on his head). She picks him up--
Jemi: Sure... and I'll sing the song before or after he crushes my ribcage?
Mungo: I resent that! I'm not that heavy!!
Rumple: Yeah! He's not *that* fat...
Mungo: Ooooo... you'd better run, sis!
She pats his head and walks over to a stoop, where he lays down at her feet. She sings.. (as if you *didn't* know this was coming!)
Jemmie:
The sun'll come out tomorrow
Bet yer bottom dollar that tomorrow
There'll be sun
Just thinkin' about tomorrow
Clears away the cob webs and the sorrow
'Till there's none--
Munku: Why is it that everytime I hear this song I picture a little child protege` type-person with a
demonic stage mom close behind?
Jemi: MAY I FINISH MY SONG, SMART ALECK??
Jemi:
When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely
I just stick out my chin and grin and sa-AA-yyyy.... OOOOOHHHHH!!!!
The sun'll come out tomorrow!
So ya gotta hang on 'till tomorrow
Come what may!!
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I LOVE ya! Tomorrow!
You're only a DAA-AA-AAY A--- WA-A-A-A-YYYYYY!!!!
Skimble: Easy on the ears, Jem!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Scene 3
Lotsa stuff happens here and I'll just resort to skipping it for space sake... Let's just say that the nice little police cats catch Jemmie, (guess they didn't like her singing either..) and before she knows it, she's back in the orphanage with the other kittens. Ms. Anydots is REALLY annoyed--
Jemi: Try ballistic....
-- So in classical old time musical form, takes a break to sing a song about little queens.
Jenny:
Some queens are convered with diamonds...
Some queens are covered in beads...
Lucky me! Lucky me! Look at what I'm covered in!
Little QUEEEENS!!
Munku: That didn't rhyme...
Veroni: Close enough. At least it rhymes better than pearls! YOU try to rhyme something with 'queens'..
Lec: Beans?
Veroni: Um... ew?
Jenny:
Some queens go out in their velvets...
Some stroll around in their jeans...
Look at me! Yea.. hehe! Look at what I'm hip-deep in!
Little QUEEEENS!!!
Jenny: THERE! I fixed it for you!
Veroni: AND wasted a lot of HTML space by doing your song twice....
So Ms. Anydots finishes her beutiful twice-done melody and steps out into the hall again where she runs into Jemmie.
Jenny: Well, missy! I'm going to make sure that y--
Jemi: Ms. Anydots?
Jenny: -ou never run awa---
Jemi: Ms. ANYDOTS!
Jenny: Keep your trap shut you rotten orphan before I personally kick your little---
Demi: (walks in the side door) Excuse me? I was told I'd find a Ms. Anydots around here.
Jenny: I'll kick your little-- Why he-LLO there! (pats Jemmie on the head and waves at the newcomer).
Jemi: I was trying to tell you someone was at the door...
Demi: Look... Let's just cut to the chase here, 'k? Cuz I've really gotta stop at the litter box in a few seconds and the author won't let me until this scene is over so to make a long story short-- I'm here to borrow one of your orphans for the holidays to stay in the mansion of Mr. Deuteronomy. (sees Jemmie) Oh look! Here's one now... (to Jem) Come on dear! (back) Thanks again!!
OD: ME??
Veroni: Yeah Old D... and, although that was pretty lame, Demi-- I guess you can go now. (unlocks the door to the cat pan).
Demi: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!!!!
So as Ms. Anydots watches her charge zip out the door with Mr. Deuteronomy's personal secretary, she sings a refrain of her song--- but since she already seemed to have covered that in her first part.. WE'LL SKIP IT!!!
Jenny: HEY! (aside) And why did she sound so incredibly happy to be skipping stuff...?
Skimble: Cuz most anyone can get really sick of this show if they see or even hear the songs once too often?
Veroni: Somethin' like that...
* * * * * * * * *
Scene 4
Jemmie arrives at the Deuteronomy Mansion and proceeds to spread her orphan-ly goodness all around, (part of which includes a fun little production number)...
Demi:
Pounce will clean your room!
Jelly will work 'til your windows shine!
We hope you understand--
Your wish is our command!
Jemi:
I know I'm gonna like it here!!!
Pounce: Maybe *she* will, but we'll be working the whole time!!!
Jelly: A servant?? I'm reduced to a servant??
Pounce: Welcome to the life of the background cat, Jelly. Your glory days with your own solo are numbered.
Gus: Probably do her some good... I'm always saying how young wippersnappers these days need a good kick in their complacency!
Jelly: How did he get here?
Veroni: He's got a part coming up...
Jelly: (grumbling) Well, goodie for him.
As the number is getting really exciting... Mr. Deuteronomy walks in and runs into Jemmie-- quickly haulting the Buzby Berkley fantasy world and getting everybody back to work faster than you can say 'corporate downsizing'.
Demeter: Welcome back, Mr. Deuteronomy!
OD: I'll be in my-- (sees Jemmie) Who the heck is this??
Jemi: I'm Jemmie!!!
Bomb: Add 'sickeningly sweet' to her resume....
OD: Why the heck do I need an orphan here?
Demi: It's a neat little way of covering up that nasty little--- eh, thing that happened in the press just a little--
OD: AH! That. Not another word!
Jemi: Golly! What's that Mr. Deuteronomy??
Jemi: GOLLY???
OD: Nothing dear...
Demi: How about we all go out to see a Broadway show tonight?
OD: Well.. I'm really busy, but since she is the star of this musical and one way or another I'll probably wind up going anyway-- I'll save us all a lot of time and say yes.
Jemi: Golly! Thanks Mr. Deut!!
Jemi: GOLLY??? Go-LLY??
They go out and trip the light fantastic in good ol' NYC to see a show about a bunch of felines who sing and dance while deciding who will go to the Heavyside Layer.
All: How original.
All:
NYC!!!
You're standing room only!
Look here! It's clear! We're finally here!
Jemi:
NYC!!!- I see lots of muggers...
Demi:
And pimps... and---
Veroni: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!
Demi: Well, it's true...
Veroni: It may be true, but this is a family show and in all family shows we gloss over the icky stuff and totally change the
look of a place to fit the selected ratings!! Don't you know that?
Demi: (sulking) Gee... must've slipped my mind.
Jemmie, thoroughly worn out from her big night in New York (I learned the art of petty larceny momma!!) is carried into the mansion by Mr. Deuteronomy. He smiles and lays her on her bed...
Skimble: Awww... a Kodiak moment...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Scene 5
Back at the house of fun (aka-- Orphanage), Ms. Anydots is sitting at her desk when in strolls a blast from her past-- her Bro, Tugger Anydots and his new girl Bomby St. Kathie Lee....
Vicky: Ugh... Kathie Lee?? Puh-lease!!
Bomb: HEY! Don't knock the name!!!
Jemi: That was a pretty lame joke....
Tugger: Hey sis! Ain't ya glad ta see me again??!!
Jenny: Whaddya want, Tugger?
Tugger: Jest to see me ol' sis and.... 10 bucks??
Jenny: Not a chance.
Tugger: Drat. (Bomby tugs on his arm) OH! And this is me new gal-- Bomby St. Kathie Lee!!
Bomb: Named after the other half of the talk show host duo...
Jenny: (ignores the really terrible joke as best she can) What are you really lookin' for?
Music strikes up in classic musical-- yadda yadda yadda.
Tugger:
Easy Street! Easy Street!
Jemmie is the key!
YESSIREE!!!!
Easy Street! Easy Street!
The three appear and dance down the middle of the street, completely unnoticed by the passers-by... which as we all know would never happen in the real world, but everything's game here, right??
Pounce: And this would fit neatly under that "Don't try this at home.." heading, right??
Veroni: You got that right...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Scene 6
Meanwhile, back at the mansion Jemmie is starting to really love living in the lap of luxury and Mr. Deuteronomy has fallen head over tail for the little orphan. Things are going great until he decides to take her locket and give her a new one. She explains to him how her parents left her with it and a note saying that they'd be back for her and he decides to do whatever it takes to find her parents..
Vicky: Even if it's like the perverbial needle in a haystack?
Lec: Try a needle in Kansas.
Veroni: Stop spoilin' the show or I may have to cut out your nice little dance number you and the other orphans have coming up!
Lec: Oh, would ya?!
Veroni: If that's the way you feel, then maybe I'd have to make it longer and more drawn out--
Lec: Never mind! Shutting mouth now.
Deuteronomy even takes his campaign to the radio where he announces that he will give $50,000 to the couple that can prove they are Jemmie's parents. Jemmie sings on the show and back at the orphange the kittens are listening...
Plato: (who is singing into a trash can to get the over-the-radio sound)
So remember folks...
Hey Senator! Hey Janitor!
Goodbye for awhile
Remember you're never fully dressed
Though you may dress your best!
You're never fully dressed without a smile!!!!
Plato: That sounded incredibly corny and sugary-coated...
Bomb: Better than 'You're never fully dressed with just a smile'.
Veroni: Eww, Bomb!
Tugger: Just like everything else in this stupid musical.
Veroni: Stupid??
Tugger: Did I say stupid? I meant.... I, eh... STUPENDOUS!!! That's it! *heh* stupendous!
Veroni: Sure, Tugger.
The orphans are all excited for Jemmie except Electra, who as usual could care less, but despite that, they eventually all join together in a kick-line refrain..(caps locks indicate where they kick)
Orphan Kittens:
SO! Senator!
SO! Janitor!
GoodBYE for aWHILE
Remember you're NEver fully drESSED!
Though you may DRESS your best!
You're NEver fully dressed without a---
Jenny: ALRIGHT ENOUGH!! I didn't raise you orphans to be members of 'A Chorus Line'!
Lec: ONE! Singular sensation--
Jenny: AHEM! That musical hasn't even come along yet, has it??
Lec: I dunno.
Jenny: Off to bed all of you! Before I use you all for *pavement* on the great white way...
Orphans: Aww shucks!
Ms. Anydots goes back to her work only to be interrupted once again by someone coming in the door.
Male Figure: Hello Miss. My wife and I have come in search of our dear little kitten Jemmie. We left her here so long ago. I'll admit it wasn't a groovy thing to do...
Jenny: Alright, Tugger that's enough!
Tugger: What? Weren't we convincing enough for you?? Didn't we have you convinced we were Jemmie's parents?
Jenny: Only you would use 'groovy' in a sentance...
Bomb: Drat. Told ya to watch it Tug!
Jenny: The 50 G's lured you in here too, I'll bet.
Tugger: Why sis! You know me so well...
Jenny: Nah, I just read the script. You should try it sometime, you know?
Bomb: Well, once we rope in the money, where will that put us?
Demi: Ah for the days when song cues were far more subtle...
Tugger, Bomb and Jenny:
Easy Street!
Easy Street!
That's where we're go-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-na....
BE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!!!!!!!!!!!!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Scene 7
At the mansion, every con artist this side of the Heavyside has come in search of the money. Jemmie refuses to give up though, and Deuteronomy finds that this is just the opening he needs to ask her if she would want him to adopt her. She agrees happilly and they lay plans for a great party...
OD: Hey! Didn't I have a song in there somewhere?
Veroni: Oh. So you did! Well, I guess we could--
Vicky: PLEASE DON'T! The longer this goes on, the deeper the songs become cemented in my subconcious!!!!
Lec: *sobbing* Please no more! PL-ease? Pl-EASE?
OD: Fine! Not that I wanted to sing that badly anyway....
Misto: I wouldn't say that too loudly if I were you... the author's have sensitive ears!!
Kelonzi: HEY MISTO!!! Come back here! We have to do more of your 'Buffy' spinoff spoof!!
Veroni: Hey sis! Felt like makin' a cameo??
Kel: Wow! So this is what you've been up to! Spoofing 'Annie'-- either very cleaver or incredibly scary! Come on Misto....
Veroni: Back to 'Jemmie'....
Jemmie descends the stairs in that all too famous red dress and the cerimony swings into full gear with (what else?) more singing...!
Jemi: Yesterday was plain awful!
OD: You can say that again!
Jemi: Yesterday was plain awful---
Misto: Puh-lease!
Kel: Let's get outta here, huh Misto?? NOW!
OD and Jemi:
I don't need anything but you!
I don't need ANYthing but---
Tugger and Jenny: (in disguise as Jemmie's parents) LOOK! It's our little girl!
OD and Jemi: Huh?
Tugger: We're Mr. and Mrs. Smudge... and here's all the proof that you're gonna need. Locket, birth certificate and I hope you still have that note we gave you dear! So, this is really groovy now that we have her back... (Jenny elbows him in the ribs) *ouch!* Oh! Ah.. I mean, great....
Bomb: (bursts in) You're busted, Tugger!!
Jelly: Wow... we've really sped up things now, haven't we?
Demeter: I didn't even get to sing my refrain!
Tugger: (in handcuffs now) Do it tomorrow!
Demeter: That was the idea! I wanted to sing Tomorrow!
Tugger: Uh-- take me officer. I'm getting confused here.
Ms. Anydots is arrested along with Bomb and Tugger and everything is swell in the end... The orphans are brought to the mansion and all adopted.... Mungo gets adopted by Jemmie and her new family as well so that he can live happilly on dog food and chew toys and--
Mungo: I AM NOT A DOG!!! I talk, see? Dogs don't talk.
Veroni: Hey! Anything can happen in the wild and wonderful world of musical parodying... Why, a few years ago people
would have said the same things about Cats singing and dancing.
Jemi: She got you on that one, Mungo... now come sit with me!
So it's happilly-ever-after time for all...
Bomb: Where was the big climax?
Veroni: You bursting in and busting Tugger and Jenny.
Jemi: Talk about going out with a wimper...
Skimble: Now be nice.
Veroni: (has been preoccupied) Hey you guys! My dad recorded Annie so we can watch it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and--
Cats: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! LEMME OUT OF HERE!!!!!
Veroni: Golly! Where ya'll goin'?
Skimble: Someplace far away from here!!!
Veroni: Well, you're not gonna go too far... I locked the door and threw away the key.
Jemi: Leapin' lizards!!!
So... (I bet you'd thought this narration thing had disappeared, huh?) as the sound of screaming kitties dies away, we should reflect on the moral values of this show.... 'should', but I guess we'll just ask the regular ending Q's and A's okay? Will Bomb and Tugger ever get out of prison? Will we be sued by a certain talk show host for meddling with her name? Will the cats ever figure out how to erase a tape? All these answers lie somewhere to remain unanswered, in.... THE SPOOFLITE ZONE!! (doo-de-doo-doo, doo-de-doo-doo...)
