Veroni: YEEHAH!!!! This show always puts me in a good mood!!

Munku: I didn't know Veroni liked those old feel-good musicals. Matt must be thrilled.

Misto: She didn't. At least not until she ushered a touring performance of this show at that theater she works for.

Lec: Veroni works?

Cet: Veroni actually leaves the computer?

Veroni: Oh so funny. Jenny? Did you finish teaching all the cats the big tap dance numbers?

Jenny: I guess it'll have to do.

Veroni: You guess?

Jenny: Well, the Tug isn't exactly the best on taps. He tends to slide around like he was on ice.

Tugger: THOSE THINGS ARE DANGEROUS!

Veroni: Ugh... I don't want to know. I DO NOT want to know. I just have to keep telling myself that and I'll be fine.

Jenny: They say self-dillusion isn't a healthy form of escape from the outside world Veroni.

Veroni: And neither is mouthing off at the director, Jenny.

(Our show opens and we are in a downtown Manhatten Bar. Our male lead, Munkly Crocker rushes in, for he has forgotten about his date with Grizo Sweeney, an attractive evangelist-turned-nightclub singer. She is waiting for him when he rushes in and explains that he has been running errands for his boss-- Mr. Bustopha J. Whitney, who is sailing to London in the morning. Surprisingly, Grizo is taking that same cruise and invites him to come with her in a classic showtune---)

Griz: WHEE-HAH!

Veroni: Griz?

Griz: I feel great!! Let's get this show on the road. Show me to the stage dear!

Veroni: (to the others) What's her trip?

Jenny: Griz hasn't been the same since "How to Succeed..". She's been---

Cet: Active?

Jenny: Exactly.

Veroni: Alright. Okay, Griz doll. Show me what you've got!

Griz: (spinning on a stool) Gotcha sugar!!!

(starts singing bustulantly with a fully brassy voice, ala Ethel Merman)

I get no kick from champagne

Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all

So tell me why should it be true

That I get a kick out of you?

Pounce: Probably since we've been drunk so much in these parodies, the ol' booze just doesn't have the same kick anymore.

Griz: (continues)

Some get a kick from cocaine

I'm sure that if I took even one sniff

That would bore me terrific'ly too

Yet I get a kick out of... YO-O-O-O-OU!

Demi: Never thought I'd say this--- I'm begining to miss the old Griz. This one acts like a diva.

Munku: And she didn't before?

Griz: Fortunately I am in too good a mood for your little jests to wound me, Munkustrap.

Munku: Aw, darn. Too bad.

(He declines her invitation, for he is in love with someone else and wants to stay in New York to pursue her. The next morning, the luxury liner, S.S. Jellican is preparing to sail. What happens here is an interesting story. You see---)

Munku: Oh boy, here we go.

Skimble: What?

Munku: She said "you see.." that means we're in for one long explanation.

Skimble: Ack!

Tugger: I'll grab the sleeping bags.

Veroni: Oh so funny. Any moment now I'm sure to laugh.... (waits) .... nope I was wrong. No laugh.

(ANYWAY... There are several reporters on board who are dissapointed there are no big time celebrities aboard ship, except for the notorius Grizo Sweeney.)

Jenny: Ooooh. Below the belt!

Skimble: (thinking about the first part of the sentance above) That's just like the media. Heavyside forbid we not be able to dig up some dirt on the upper crust.

Veroni: LEMME DO THIS NARRATION, PLEASE??!!!

(The people perk up however upon the entrance of the famed debutante, Dope Hardcourt. Dope is accompanied by her widowed mother, Jellangine and a wealthy englishman by the name of Lord Evelyn Mistoakleigh.)

Misto: Alright. NOW I say something. What kind of a male name is Evelyn? That's a GIRL name!!

Dem: And my character-- DOPE?

Veroni: The name was Hope and I wanted to add in your name somehow... I'll admit it came out a little stranger than I expected.

Dem: A little?

(Dope announces when they arrive on board that she and Evelyn are to be married. Meantime, Munkly arrives to see of his boss when he spots Dope--- who is the woman he has been questing after. Deciding that he suddenly wants to come along after all, he stows away so that he convince Dope that she wants to marry him and NOT Evelyn. He doesn't count on having fellow stowaways on board, however--- Gusface Martin, (a second rate gangster) and his partner in crime's girlfriend, Ceterma. We learn that his 'partner in crime' is actually Public Enemy #1, "Snake Eyes" Johnson. When the all aboard is called, "Snake Eyes" has missed the boat. Ceterma gives Munkly Snake Eyes' passport and ticket. As the ship pulls off with the stage set for the drama to begin, the cast sings.)

Cats: ***snore***

Veroni: ALRIGHT!!! I'M DONE SMARTALECKS!!

Munku: Mommy? I don't want to go to school today.

Skimble: Just five more minutes?

Veroni: Time to sing you guys!

Toms: (wearing cute little sailor suits--- grumbling, of course)

And they say there's no cure like travel

To help you unravel

The worries of living today

When the poor brain is cracking

There's nothing like packing

A suitcase and sailing away

Take a run 'round Vienna

Granada, Ravenna,

Siena and then a-

'Round Rome.

Have a high time, a low time,

And in no time, you'll be singing

"Home Sweet Home"!

Asparagus: (bellows into one of those bullhorn things) FINAL CALL! ALL ASHORE THAT'S GOING ASHORE! FINAL CALL!

(Cats race for the exit--- Veroni blocks their way)

Cats: Drat.

Toms: Bon voyage.

Queens: You mean Bon Voyage

Toms: I hate to say goodbye sweetheart!

By the seashore...

Queens: You mean sur la plage.

All: I'll sit and watch the sea

Til' you come back to me.

Toms: For my dearie.

Queens: You mean ma cherie!

Pounce: WHATEVER! We don't speak French!

Veroni: (warningly) Pounce...

Pounce: What? They're criticizing our singing!!!

Veroni: Er... Pounce, that's in the script.

Pounce: (looks at the script) Well, I'll be. (shrugs) Whoops?

(So we'll just say that the ship sails away with a big reprise of the aforementioned song, which we'll skip since some cats seem not to get the point!!! It's the evening now and Grizo is walking around when she runs into Munkly. He reveals to her that the woman he has been lusting after is onboard. She doesn't hold that against him, in fact, she gives him a good ol' fashioned pep talk when he starts to doubt his chances with a rich queen like Dope.)

Griz: Munkly! Where's that old Crocker confidence? You think he's got one tiny fraction of your brains, your looks, your.... your....

(starts to sing in her Ethel Merman voice again)

At words poetic, I'm so pathetic

That I always have found it best,

Instead of getting them off my chest,

To let 'em rest unexpressed,

I hate parading my serenading

As I'll probably miss a bar

Pounce: You could say that again... one bar missed would be a good go at it for Griz..

Griz: (starts to break up.... hints of the old Grizabella poking through) *snif* YOU HATE ME!! NO ONE LEAVES A---

Veroni: Griz?

Griz: (stops sobbing abruptly) What?

Veroni: SNAP OUT OF IT! You are the star here!

Griz: Ah. Quite right. (to Pounce) Your unkind jests have been dually noted sir.

(sings again)

You're the top!

You're the Colosseum,

You're the top!

You're the Louve museum

You're a melody from a symphony by Strauss,

You're a Bendel bonnet

A Shakespeare sonnet

You're Mickey Mouse!

You're the Nile

You're the Tower of Pisa

You're the smile

On the Mona Lisa

I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop,

But, if baby, I'm the bottom

You're the top!

Misto: Wow, Munku. I didn't know you were all that. Sheesh.. you think you know a guy..

Cet: I think Misto was trying to make a point in there somewhere Ms. Director. This song is getting kinda redundant.

Lec: Yeah. She could have summed this all up and made the show a heck of a lot shorter if she'd just said -- "You know, you're a lot of stuff that I like or may not like, but just consider it a compliment" and move on!

Veroni: (sarcastically) Yeah, and we would only have had to sacrifice a perky showtune!

Misto: Eh, don't worry. In this show there are TONS more where that one came from.

Munku & Griz: (skip ahead to the last lil' bit of the song)

But if, baby, I'm the bottom

You're the top!

(Feeling uplifted by Grizo's words, he seeks out Dope, who is at once thrilled and horrified to see him. She INSISTS that she has to, and will marry Lord Evelyn. She secretly loves him, but she knows there is no way they could ever be together.)

Dem: You're being terribly bad Munkly. Why, we hardly know each other!

Munku: Yeah, I guess you're right. Me and you-- who am I kidding?

(sings)

I know too well that I'm

Just wasting precious time

In thinking such a thing could be

That you could ever care for me.

I'm sure you hate to hear

That I adore you, dear,

But grant me, just the same,

I'm not entirely to blame, For

You'd be so easy to love,

So easy to----

Dem: I AM NOT EASY!

Veroni: That's not what he was sing-- Never mind. Just skip ahead, alright guys? I have to go coax Dem out of her hiding place in the bathroom....

(While we coax the female lead out of her porcelin haven, we move to another part of the ship. Mr. Bustopha Whitney has taken a liking to Dope's mother dearest. In his cabin, he prepares for what he hopes will be a romantic tryst...)

Bustopher: (starts singing in as gruff a voice as a tom from the Senior Educational can muster up)

I want to row on the crew Mama!

That's the thing I want to do Mama!

To be known throughout Yale as I walk about it

Get a boil on my tail and then talk about it.

I'd like to be a big bloke, Mama,

And learn the new Argentine stroke, Mama.

You'll see your slim son putting crimps in the Crimson

WHEN I ROW ON THE VARSITY CREW!

(four barbershop toms appear to sing in tight harmony about a sailor's life)

Asparagus, Quaxo, Skimble and Plato: (singing in anything BUT tight harmony)

There will always be a kitty fair,

A Jenny fair or a Sadie fair,

There'll always be a kitty fair

Who's waiting there for you

There will always be a kitty fair

To smooth your troubles and to muss your hair,

There'll always be a kitty fair

Who's waiting there for you

There will always be a queen's caress

To change your answer from a no to yes,

There will always be a kitty fair

Who's waiting there for you...

Veroni: (rubbing her ears from the rotten Barbershop music) Uh, guys? Who picked YOU four to do that part?

Quaxo: We did! What did you think?

Veroni: Well, uh, it was... it...

Munku: Unbelievable.

Veroni: Uh, yeah. Exactly. REALLY.

(The next morning, the guys sing--- that song that they just murdered, and the Captain appears. He has learned that Public Enemy #1 is on board, and wants him found. Munkly realizes he's in trouble, and disguises himself in a sailor suit. He however, is fooling NO ONE and Grizo gets him out of a tight spot. She ALSO sees through the disguise Gusface has been using to conceal himself (a minister's clothing) and gets HIM out of sight of the captain. Grizo and Gusface are old friends and work out a plan so that Munkly will wind up with Dope: Grizo will vamp Lord Evelyn and Gusface will blackmail the tom into breaking off the engagement. Pleased with the agreement, Grizo and Gusface sing a song about friendship.)

Veroni: Gus ready?

Jelly: I guess he'll be alright. Okay, dear. Come on out and sing like we practiced.

Gus: You don't have to coddle me, Jelly! This is the theater. THIS is a role I was born to play!

Veroni: I thought Firefrorefiddle was the role you were born to play..?

Gus: That too.

Veroni: And Growltiger?

Gus: So I was born to play multiple roles!

(starts to sing grandly)

If you're ever in a jam, here I am!

Griz: If you ever need a pal, I'm your gal!

Gus: If you ever get so happy you land in jail, I'm you bail!

Both: It's friendship, friendship!

Just a perfect blendship,

When other friendships have been forgot,

Ours will still be hot!

Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle-dig, dig, dig.

(All the cats begin moving to the beat backstage. Gus gets really into his character... so much so that he and Griz both skip to a verse THEY like.)

Jelly: Uh-oh. The diva 'tude thing is rubbing off on Gus!

Griz: If they ever crack your spine, drop a line

Gus: If they ever cut your throat, write a note.

Griz: If they ever make a cannibal stew of you, invite me too!

Both: It's friendship, friendship!

Just a perfect blendship,

When other friendships are up the crick,

Ours will still be slick!

Lahdle-ahdle-ahdle---

(Gus sings "Quack, Quack, Quack" while Griz sings "Woof, Woof, Woof". This split is scripted, but both of our newly-minted prima donnas think their way is best. The disagreement is also scripted, but they start to carry it a little farther than it is on the page...)

Veroni: RED ALERT!

Jelly: Whoa-oa! You two cool it!

Veroni: Whatever is causing the Joan Collins' 'tude, deal with it! Spank your inner moppet!

Cet: You're starting to sound like a certain character from 'Buffy', Veroni.

Veroni: ACK! (slaps the side of her head) OUT OUT OUT!!!

Griz & Gus: (get it back together and sing)

When other friendships have been forgot

OURS WI-I-I-I-ILL STILL BE HO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-OT!!

(The plan is begun immediately, but soon backfires. They hadn't counted on Grizo actually falling in love with "Evie" and not being able to go through with her end of the bargain. Improvising, Munkly and Gusface get new disguises and try to convince Dope's momma that Lord Evelyn is really a deranged imposter, escaped from Bedlam. This also fails when Dope exposes Munkly, who then exits, pursued by sailors. Still lovestruck, Munkly sneaks back to see Dope in hopes of romancing her..... and succeeds.)

Munku: What's with the lack of dialogue, V?

Veroni: I HAD the script, but I had to return it, so I'm working off of the CD liner notes.

Munku: Poor baby. Do you want me to get you something? Maybe a nice straightjacket to wear?

Veroni: Cute, Munku.. but I'm not that gullable.

Pounce: THAT gullable.

Veroni: POUNCIVAL!!!!!

Munku: (shrugs and starts singing his big romancing number to Demeter)

The night is young! The skies are clear!

So, if you want to go walking, dear,

It's delightful, it's delicious, it's delovely!

I understand why you're sentimental,

'Cuz so am I!!

It's delightful! It's delicious! It's delovely!

You can tell at a glance

What a swell night this is for romance,

You can hear dear mother nature murmuring low,

"Let yourself go."

So please be sweet, my chickadee,

And when I kiss you, just say to me:

"It's delightful, it's delicious

It's delectable, it's delerious,

It's dilemma, it's delimit, it's delux,

IT'S DELOVELY!!!"

(They do a cute little tango, completely wrapped up in each other's arms. She repeats what he sang--- do you REALLY want to hear that whole thing again?---- and they end the number in a close embrace. This moment is broken up quickly though when the sailors enter and apprehend Munkly. He is hauled off to the captain, with Grizo, Gusface and Dope in tow. When this marry little gang os brought infront of the captain though, they aren't locked up... Munkly is believed to be public enemy number 1, making him a celebrity. The captain is eager to appease the hungry media hounds on board and having such a notorius figure on board meets their expectations. Munkly is made honorary captain of the ship and the five star treatment.)

Bomb: Wow. Lucky, much?

Cet: Heck. In these parodies anything goes.

Veroni: EXACTLY!!!!!

Griz: (appears in a crisp sailor suit and strikes a pose)

Times have cha-anged.

And we've often rewound the clock

Since the Puritans got a shock

When they landed on Plymouth Rock,

If to-day-ay

Any shock they should try to stem,

'Stead of landing on Plymouth Rock,

Plymouth Rock would land on them!

In olden days, a glimpse of stocking

Was looked on as something shocking

But now, Everlasting Cat knows!

ANYTHING MEOWS!

(The females file out in little two piece sailor suits and tap shoes.)

Griz: (continues, in earnest now)

Good authors too who once knew better words

Now only use four letter words writing prose

ANYTHING MEOWS!

The world has gone mad today

And good's bad today

And black's white today

And day's night today

When most toms today

That queens prize today

Are just silly gigolos!

And though I'm not a great romancer

I know that I'm bound to answer

When you propose

ANYTHING MEOWS!!!

(The toms come out and start tapping with their girl partners... except Tugger, who slides in and starts shuffling after the last person in line, hoping no one notices how scared he is of slipping. They start out nice and slow, and Tugger manages to keep up pretty well....)

Griz: (starts up AGAIN)

When Grandmama whose age is eighty

In nightclubs is getting matey

With gigolos,

ANYTHING MEOWS!

When mothers pack and leave poor father

Because they decide they'd rather be

Tennis pros,

ANYTHING MEOWS!

If driving fast cars you like

If low bars you like

If old hymns you like

If bare limbs you like

If Mae West you like

Or me undressed you like,

Rumpus: (who ISN'T tap dancing... he's sitting back with Veroni at the director's chair) Now THERE'S a scary thought... nude Griz. Icky.... I need a shower.... (walks off).

Veroni: (raises her eyebrows) Wow. Yipes... over-think that much?

Griz: (shrugs and continues) Why, nobody will oppose!

When every night, the set that's smart is in-

Truding in nudist-----

Veroni: STOP!!!!! I was skeptical at first, but now I think I'm identifying with Rumpus... wait a minute... all cats are nude. What's HIS deal?

Lec: WE'RE ALL NAKED!!!! AHHHH!!!

Jenny: Actually, dear? You're wearing a cute little sailor suit.

Lec: Even worse.

(The tap dance starts up now and really picks up steam as they approach the last refrain. We pan down the line of smiling tappers, finally reaching the end... a thoroughly miserable Tugger, who is skidding around like a pro figure skater. When they start going around in tight circles and spinning on poles, Tugger gulps BIG time. As they spin, they sing...)

All: And though I'm not a great romancer

I know that I'm bound to answer

When you propose

ANYTHING MEOWS!!!

(Tugger swings around on his pole at the last refain, slips on his taps, and goes sailing into the audience...)

All: (shrug and sing)

ANYTHING.... MEOW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OWS!!!!!

Tugger: (at the same time as they're singing the last "ANYTHING MEOWS!") WHERE ARE THE BREAKS ON THESE THINGS??? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Veroni and Rumpus: (burst into applause)

Rumpus: Smashing job, Tugger. Simply smashing. LITERALLY.

Pounce: So that's the show?

Veroni; Not a chance.... there's still the second act.

Tugger: (rubbing a lump on his head) Oh, goodie. If you guys need me, I'll be over here concusion-ing on the cement.

Veroni: Who wants pizza?