MISTO: (elbows his way through the normal backstage hubub of pre-parody set up) Munkustrap! Munkustrap!!

MUNKU: (looks up from his script) Yeah?

MISTO: It's Skimbleshanks! I swear to you that he's lost his mind!

MUNKU: What's wrong with him being a little proud of his herritage? "Brigadoon" IS set in Scotland you know.

MISTO: Yeah, but you'd think it was Scottish Pride Day the way he's strutting around.

SKIMBLE: (breezes in) Hello laddies!

MISTO: Speaking of the devil.

SKIMBLE: Tisn't it absolutly SPLENDID?

MISTO: (pulling his costume-- a kilt and frilly shirt---- from the costume rack) Yeah, splendid.

VERONI: (lounging in the director's chair) Be nice to Skimble, Misto. He's not only playing a key character in this one, he's also choreographer and dialect coach.

SKIMBLE: Aye! An' I'll tell ya sure as I'm standin' here that they've all done surprisingly well.

JENNY: Veroni, I MUST speak to you about your casting choice for the Tugger! Getting him drunk again isn't a wise move!

VERONI: He was the only one that really fit the character description. And he absolutely refused to wear the---

JENNY: The what?

MISTO: (spins around in his kilt) We DO wear something under these, right?

VERONI: (pointedly) AHEM.

JENNY: (turns several shades of red) Well, I never!

VERONI: (claps her paws together) Well, we'd better get a move-on here!

KEL: (walks in) Hey sis!

VERONI: Can't you see I'm a bit busy here?

KEL: This'll only take a moment, I swear. Remember how we were talking about the need for a permanent stage manager?

VERONI: Yeah, but after all those applicants I don't think I want to bother.

KEL: You mean you didn't like Sharon?

VERONI: Glass eye. Couldn't read the script to save her life.

KEL: Frankie?

VERONI: HE WAS COMING ON TO ALL THE KITTENS!!!

KITTENS: We didn't mind.... *giggle*

KEL: Well, then that narrowed down the field to one choice.

VERONI: Does this one spit when he talks? Propose marriage to the prop kitten?

KEL: I promise it's nothing like that..... and your he is a she.

VERONI: Well, fine. Bring her on out.

KEL: I have to warn you. She DOES have a slight condition.

VERONI: (head whips around, ears flatten) "Condition"? WHAT "CONDITION"?!!

KEL: Starts with a dis..... eh, dis.... dis...

TUGGER: Distemper?

VERONI: So funny.

KEL: DISLEXIA! That's it! She's dislexic.

VERONI: D-d-d-d-d-d-dislexic???? Kelonzi, do you even know what that MEANS?

KEL: Figured it had something to do with her eating habits. Shouldn't really be a problem here. Bustopher eats all the food anyhow.

VERONI: (looks like she's about to break down into a sob fit)

KEL: No worries! She'll be coming in soon. You can start without her. Tantomile's covering backstage. I'll be going now. Glad I could help!!! (skips out of the room)

VERONI: (weakly) Help. Right. (motions for the overture to start)

(Our show opens with two hunters travelling through the highlands of Scotland as the ensamble sings eerilly in the background)

CATS: Once in the Highlands, the Highlands of Scotland

Deep in the night and a murky rain

There in the highlands, the highlands of Scotland

Two weary hunters lost their way.

PLATO: And this is what happened. The strage thing that happened...

ALL: To two weary hunters

Who lost their way.

(The mood changes and a town starts to appear in the fog. Or in our case, the heavy stage fog Munku and Tugger had to practically chop through with an axe, disperses)

ALL: Briga-mew-in... Briga-mew-in....

Blooming under sable skies.

Briga-mew-in... Briga-mew-in...

There my heart forever lies.

Let the world grow cold around us,

Let the heavens cry above.

Briga-mew-in... Briga-mew-in...

IN THY VALLEY

THERE'LL BE

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!

(The town springs to life. The children scamper arou----)

VERONI: POUNCE!! You will notice that nowhere does the script say they turn on their radios and play GAMEBOY.

POUNCE: Well, I was bored. So sue me. Not my fault mystical Scottish people didn't know how to have a good time.

SKIMBLE: (hisses) Ooooo. I'll 'ave yer 'ide fer that one, laddie!

JEMI: I'd make with the running if I were you, Pounce.

(Our two travellers, Tomunk Albright and Jeff Tugless are pouring over their map, wondering where the heck they are when they suddenly catch sight of the town that just blinked into existance)

MUNKU: Bet THEY have food! I'm starved.

BUSTOPHER: He's stealing my line!!

VERONI: HUSH!

TUGGER: (takes a long swig from a flask he keeps in his pocket) Prob'ly.

(They walk down into town where a fair appears to be taking place. A fair on MacConnachy Square.)

TUMBLE: As the song cues continue to get worse and worse....

ALL: (in various attemps at a Scottish accent)

Come ye, from the hills, come ye from the mills

Come ye in the glen,

Come ye bairn, come ye toms

Come ye from the loom, come from pail and broom

Hear ye, everywhere

Don't you ken, there's a fair

Down on MacConnacy Square!

MAC: Huh?

VERONI: MacConnacy, not Macavity!

DEM: (eeps and jumps a mile) MACAVITY??

VERONI: (rolls her eyes) This will just get better and better when our new stage manager arrives.

RUMPUS: (moving slowly and carefully, eyeing the folds in his kilt)

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'M....

Sellin' a big o'weavin' here, the prettiest to be had.

So dinna ye all be leavin' here without a wee bit o'plaid.

(drops character) This is SO humiliating. I'm a lawcat! I don't prance around in a skirt!

SKIMBLE: It's called a kilt.

RUMPUS: Either way it looks stupid on a tom!

SKIMBLE: I wear one all the time at me family reunions!

POUNCE: Now there's a reunion I will NEVER find myself at if I can help it.

VERONI: (hollars) YOUR CUE, POUNCE!!!!

(The village candy seller appears on the scene)

POUNCE: NOOOOOOOW....

All of ye come to Pouncy here. Come over to Pouncy's booth!

I'm selling the sweetest candy 'ere that ever shook loose a tooth.

I'd buy it all up if I were ye, it's creamy and good and thick.

So laddies, I hope ye buy me out, it's makin' me kind o' sick!

CET: Not surprised he's sick. He's been eating his "props" all morning long!!

(The action shifts to the McLaren home where Cassiona is helping prepare her younger sister for her wedding day)

CASS: (in her best attempt at Scottish) Demean! Come away from the winda!

DEM: I'm a-tryin' ta see Mistlie!

CASS: I know ye are, an' ye aren't supposed ta! The groom isn't s'posed ta see the bride till tha weddin' day!

BOMB: (pouting about only being an extra) Cassiona, when will you think about getting married?

SKIMBLE: Now that'll neva do!! (bursts onto the set) Do it like we PRACTICED!! Canna ye remember?

BOMB: I canna, but I don't WANNA!

SKIMBLE: (looks like he's about to blow a fuse)

VERONI: Someone get Skimble out of there before he commits homocide!

SKIMBLE: T'would be JUSTIFIED since they're MURDERING the accent o'my homeland!

CASS: (sighs and continues) I'll marry a'soon as I meet a fella who puts it inta my head.

BOMB: (through gritted teeth) Doesn't it worry ya that the right man willna come along?

CASS: A little. But I won't let it worry me inta marryin' the wrong one.....

(sings) Many a lassie as everyone knows

'll try to be married before twenty five---

POUNCE: In human years, I hope.

CASS: (hisses) So she'll agree to most any proposal,

All he must be is a tom an' alive.

TUMBLE: Yeesh. Not finicky is she?

CASS: CAN I GET OUT TWO SENTANCES WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED?????

(sings sweetly) I have a dream an' there's no compormisin',

I know there's one certain laddie for me.

One day he'll come walkin' o'er the horizon,

But should he not, then an old maid I'll be.

CET: Like Jellylorum.

JELLY: Oooooooo! That is IT! One would think you had learned your lesson from "Kiss Me, Cat"!! (chases her off)

CASS: (getting QUITE irked by this point) Foolish ye may say.... foolish I will stay.

CASS & QUEENS: Waitin' for my dearie an' happy am I

To hold my heart till he comes strollin' by.

When he comes, my dearie, one look an' I'll know

That he's the dearie I've been wantin' so.

Though I'll live forty lives till the day he arrives,

I'll not ever, ever grieve.

For my hopes will be high, that he'll come strollin' by,

For ye see, I believe that,

There's a laddie weary and wanderin' free,

Who's waitin' for his dearie

Me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e.........

(Cassiona heads out to the square to gather together the last of the wedding supplies where the School Master, Mr. Skimdie is addressing the crowd about the rules of the town "miracle")

SKIMBLE: (puffing out his chest and speaking in a heavier accent than he EVER normally speaks in) This bein' the second day o'tha miracle, I 'ave been asked ta post this to remind us all.... (tacks up a map of the town) Let no one leave this town, or we should be seen ungrateful in the eyes o' God and eternal night shall fall upon us.

JEM: Cheerful fellow, isn't he?

VERONI: (not listening) Well, Macavity, I negotiated! Nothing happens to you, I swear! Okay, so Harry gets shot, but I swore we'd use a stunt double! It's all in writing!

MAC: (grumbles) I'd like to SEE that "writing"....

VERONI: Well, if your crackshot lawyer wasn't out of town on er quote: "business", you could have probably done something about it, but he's gone, so you're MINE.

MUNKU: Why does her saying that scare me beyond words?

MAC: (still standing and scowling at the map as everyone leaves) Who's miracle? Tis certainly not mine!

VICKY: Ah, Macavity playing the villian. Way to NOT employ type-casting, Veroni.

VERONI: So I didn't feel like being too creative with the casting this time around!! I have too many OTHER things to worry about right now. (raises her voice) Like when my new STAGE manager will arrive.

KEL: I promise she's coming! Probably just got a little confused with the street signs is all....

CASS: (approaches Macavity) I am truly sorry, Harry.

MAC: Dinna be. If anyone is ta pity me, let it be ME. Tis'na fair for Mistie Dalrymple ta be marryin' her, Cassiona! He's got everythin'! Schoolin' in Edinborough, an' now Demean. An' I've got nothin'. Nothin' but ta be trapped in this peasant village all me life. (gestures to the map) Lookit it! The boundaries of a town? Not ta me. Tis more the dimensions o' my jail! (stalks off)

(Meanwhile, our weary hunters come upon the scene, having had most people they've come across thus far run in terror)

TUGGER: (sniffs Munkustrap) Must be you. *I* bathed this morning.

VERONI: HOLD IT!! Tugger, where the heck does it say THAT in the script?

TUGGER: Fine. Fine! (pouts)

CASS: (catches sight of them and walks off) Why, you're in Briga-mewin!

(She and Munkustrap stare at each other for a long moment)

KITTENS: *giggle madly* Love at fi-irst si-ight!

MUNKU & CASS: SHADDAP!

(Since there's no way we're getting through this scene with about twenty more interruptions, we cut ahead a little ways. Our travellers find their way to MacConnachy Square where they are met with stares from the locals who haven't seen someone from the outside in a long time)

MUNKU: Certainly wear strange clothes around here.

TUGGER: Probably the day they take pictures for postcards.

MUNKU: (heads over to the milk cart) You sell milk here, yes?

ADMETUS: Aye, sir.

MUNKU: Well, do you mind if I help myself?

ADMETUS: Hold it sir!! I'll have to see your money first.

MUNKU: My.... money?

TUGGER: Show him the money!

POUNCE: SHOW ME THE MONEY!!

CATS: (all stare)

POUNCE: C'mon! You can't get mad at me for THAT one. I mean, it was just begging to be made fun of!!

(To no one's surprise but our travellers', the money is no good. Things look pretty bad until Mistlie Dalrymple happens by and figures out what's going on. In a generous gesture, he buys them food under the excuse that since it's his wedding day he can afford to be a little extravagent.)

MISTO: Before the food, ye must have some Heather Ale! (thinks for a moment) ALE FOR EVERYONE!!!

(Everyone dips into a large keg while Misto and his friends pal around a little and jibe him about getting tied down)

CARBUCKETTY: So I guess we won't be seein' ya at the Tavern anymore, eh, Mistlie?

MISTO: No, I'm through with that...

(sings) I used to be a rovin' lad; a rovin' and wanderin' life I had.

On any lass, I'd frown, who would try to tie me down.

But then one day I saw a maid, who held out her paw and I stayed and stayed.

And now across the green, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'LL...

Go home with Bonnie Demean!

GUYS: Go home! Go home! Go home with Bonnie Demean!

Go home! Go home!

MISTO: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'LL....... go home with Bonnie Demean!

In Aberdeen I used to know a lass with an air an' her name was Jo.

An' ev'ry night at ten, I would meet her in the glen.

MUNKU: But now you'll not see her again....

TUGGER: (starting to slurr his words thanks the the excess of Heather Ale) Es'pecially not innnn theeee glen at ten!

MISTO: For soon, across the green, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I----

PLATO: (looks at his watch)

ADMETUS: (taps his foot)

CARB: (yawns)

MISTO: ---I-I-I-I-I'LL.... go home with (strains to hit an irish tenor high note) BOOOOOOOONIEEEEE DEMEEEEEAN!!!!!!

BOMB: Wow. I didn't know Misto could hit that note.

(Backstage Cats applaud)

MISTO: (sprawled spread eagle on the floor) News for you. I didn't know I could hit it either. (gasping for air)

VERONI: Eh-oh. Probably a good time for a break then, huh?

MISTO: (nods) Yes please.

KEL: (rushes in) SHE'S HERE! SHE'S HERE!