Tumrad Kitty. . . .Rum Tum Tugger
Kim McCatty. . . . Jemima
Mrs. McCatty. . . . Jellylorum
Mr. McCatty. . . .Skimbleshanks
Altumblert. . . .Tumblebrutus
Rose DeLion. . . .Bombalurina
Poungo Fleabody. . . .Pouncival
Etceterusa. . . .Etcetera
Director and Narrator. . . .Ozzie
Extras. . . . The other Cats

TUMBLEBRUTUS: “How did I get stuck with a stupid name like ‘Altumblert’?”

OZZIE: “Hey! I had to have SOMEone play Albert, and your name was the closest to his.”

POUNCIVAL: “It’s better than ‘Poungo Fleabody’.”

OZZIE: “Hugo Peabody has to be represented too, you know.”

POUNCIVAL: “But why by me?”

OZZIE: “Do you want me to give you a bigger part?”

POUNCIVAL: “Shutting up.”

OZZIE: “Okay, Jemma. You’re on!”

JEMIMA: “Do I have to do this?”

OZZIE: “How does a box of catnip sound?”

JEMIMA: “Which way to the stage?”

SCENE 1. Jemima (aka Kim McCatty) is standing in front of a blue screen with a fan turned on high and her fur blowing everywhere.

JEMIMA (Singing): “Bye-bye, Kitty! The army’s got you now. I’ll cry, Kiiiiitty, ‘til you’re back somehow! I love the way you purr, as thought its just for me, and I promise that I’ll write you faithfully. Bye-bye, HEY! I can’t write!”

OZZIE: “Stick to the script!”

JEMIMA: “But how am I supposed to write him faithfully? I can’t even hold a pencil!”

RUM TUM TUGGER: “She’s right. That no thumbs thing really can get you down.”

OZZIE: “Arrgh!!! Okay!” (Adjusts the script and hands it back to Jemima) “Try this.”

JEMIMA (Singing again): “Bye-bye, Kitty, the army’s got you now. I’ll cry, Kiiiiitty, til you’re back somehow! I love the way you purr, as though it’s just for me, and I promise that I’ll always call you faithfully!”

BOMBALURINA: “How’s she gonna dial the phone?”

OZZIE: “Do you want me to make this into a two-hour movie?”

CATS: “NOOO!!!”

OZZIE: “Then just sing the song.”

Jemima sings the song (with several interruptions), and they move onto the next scene.

Scene 2. Tumblebrutus (aka Altumblert) is standing in his office reading a newpaper.

MISTOFFELEES: “Cats can’t read.”

Scene 2. Tumblebrutus (aka Altumblert) is standing in his office, watching the news.

JENNYANYDOTS: “Too much TV is bad for you.”

Scene 2. Tumblebrutus (aka Altumblert) is standing in his office listening to the radio.

JELLYLORUM: “It is a classical music station, correct?”

OZZIE: “Shut up.”

RADIO: “Tumrad Kitty has been drafted. Good-night.”

Altumblert stands there, staring blankly.

OZZIE: “That was your cue!”

TUMBLEBRUTUS: “Oh. (In monotone) Rats. How dare they do this to me?”

OZZIE: “Uuggh.”

Bombalurina (aka Rose DeLion) walks in.

TUMBLEBRUTUS: “Hi, Rosie. Did you hear the bad news?”

BOMBALURINA: “Yes. Now we can’t get married. I know. I’ll go choose a girl from the millions of kids in America so Tumrad can give her a farewell lick before going to the army. Bye.”

ETCETERA (sarcastically): “Whoa. Talk about your subtle plots.”

OZZIE (to Bombalurina): “You call that ACTING!?!”

BOMBALURINA: “Oh, and I suppose you call what you are doing directing, huh?”

OZZIE: “Do you want me to fire you?”

POUNCIVAL: “Me, too!”

SKIMBLESHANKS: “And me!”

JEMIMA: “Take a number!”

JELLYLORUM: “Where do I sign out?”

OZZIE: “Let me rephrase that: Do you want me to do a sequel?”

CATS: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!”

Meanwhile in Rotten Apple, Ohio, Kim McCatty has just gotten pinned to her boyfriend, Poungo Fleabody.

JEMIMA (On phone): “Etcetursa? I just got pinned to my boyfriend, Poungo Fleabody!”

ETCETERA (aka Etcetursa): “Oh, Kim? How do you honestly, truly feel, in your deepest, darkest, dankest, dreariest, disdainfulest soul?”

OZZIE: “You’re hamming it up.”

ETCETERA: “Hey! I’m playing twelve different emotions here!”

OZZIE: “Then play one of ‘em right! Come. Let’s go to the ‘Telephone Hour’.”

ETCETERA: “Okay. (To Jemima) Gotta go spread the word.”

She hangs up the phone, opens the window, and screams. . .

ETCETERA: “Hey! They got pinned! Ya happy now!?”

OZZIE (Sighing): “Very nice.”

The other Cats walk around on stage spreading the word- in bored monotones.

POUNCIVAL (aka Poungo): “We got pinned.”

ELECTRA: “Pinned is what they are.”

CORICOPAT: “They’re a couple.”

BUSTOPHER JONES: “I’m hungry.”

RUMPLETEAZER: “They’re pinned.”

JEMIMA: “We’re together.”

ALONZO: “Yawn.”

CASSANDRA: “If I were looking for a word to describe them, ‘pinned’ would be it."

TANTOMILE: “Would it be ‘pinned’?”

CASSANDRA: “Yes, ‘pinned’ is the word I’d use to describe them."

TANTOMILE: “‘Pinned’, you say?”

CASSANDRA: “Yep, ‘pinned’”.

TANTOMILE: “Good word.”

DEMETER: “They’re pinned. Let’s go. Next scene. Move ‘em out. Come on!”

OZZIE (sarcastically): “Don’t strain yourselves!”

MUNGOJERRIE: “We don’t intend to.”

Okay. Rosie pulled a name randomly out of a box and guess who it is. Yep, Kim McCatty (shocker!). They travel to Rotten Apple to deliver the lick and Tumrad Kitty does a little concert that all the Queens in town faint during, and he and Rose and Altumblert stay with the McCattys.

SKIMBLESHANKS (aka Mr. McCatty): “Who let this guy live in here?”

JELLYLORUM (aka Mrs. McCatty): “Well, he’s here for Kim, so we should be hospitable.”

TUMBLEBRUTUS: “Yeah! You’ll even be on ‘Ed Sullivan’!”

SKIMBLESHANKS: “Ed Sullivan? ED SULLIVAN!?!?!?! (Singing) Ed Sullivan! Ed Sullivan! E-e-e-e-dd Sullivaaaan!!

(Jellylorum joins in)

SKIMBLE AND JELLY: “Ed Sullivan! Eddd Sulllivaaaaaann!!!! E-e-e-e-e-e-ddddd Sul-l-l-ivann!!!!

ALL: “Ed Sullivan! Ed Sullivan! Ed Sulli-vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!!!!!!!”

SKIMBLESHANKS: “Hey! Who on Earth is Ed Sullivan for cryin’ out loud?!?!”

JELLYLORUM: “Uh. . . I don’t know.”

TUMBLEBRUTUS: “I sure don’t.”

RUM TUM TUGGER: “Beats me.”

JEMIMA: “Don’t look at me, I’m just a kitten!”

OZZIE: “Let’s just get on with it.”

So the preparations for Ed Sullivan (whoever HE is), shut up, Victoria, continued. Tumrad, Mr. and Mrs. McCatty, Altumblert, Kim, Rosie, and Poungo Fleabody are all in the school gym rehearsing.

TUMBLEBRUTUS (To Tugger): “Here’s your song.”

TUGGER (aka Tumrad Kitty): “‘One Last Lick’? Hey, who cares about all this stuff. We get up there, I sing the song, give the chick the message, and we’re outta there.”

He licks Kim on the nose, and she faints. Poungo jumps up and runs to his girlfriend’s side as Tomrad leaves the gym.

ELECTRA: “Let’s just END THIS THING!!!!”

Okay, okay! To make a long story short-

CATS: “TOO LATE!!!!”

AHEM! To make a long story short, Poungo is mad as Kim, Mr. McCatty is about to strangle Tumrad and Altumblert, and Rosie is angry at Altumblert. So anyway, on Ed Sullivan (whoever HE is) GO AWAY, VICTORIA! Anyway, on Ed Sullivan, they are all there and Tumrad sings the song and leans forward to lick Kim when. . .

POUNCIVAL: “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-yyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!”

Poungo attacks him, leaving him with a bloody nose.

TUGGER: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! Blood on my fur! I just got it cleaned!!!!!!”

TUMBLEBRUTUS: “Oh, shut UP!”

JEMIMA, ETCETERA, BOMBALURINA, ELECTRA, and VICTORIA: “Don’t speak to my Tuggy like that!!!!!”

BUSTOPHER JONES: “I’m hungry.”

OZZIE: *Sigh*