Misto: I don't know why Veroni wouldn't let us see the set before now.

Tugger: It can't be that bad...

Jemi: Uhm, well?

Cetera: I can't help but think that every time one of us says that, it IS that bad.

(They walk in to find Veroni standing on the stage and aiming a long stream of hose water into what looks like a series of mutilated kiddy pools, duct taped together.)

Skimble: ACK!!! WATER!!!

Veroni: Good job, sherlock. Didn't you KNOW Carousel takes place in a seaside town?

Skimble: I think it's safe to say that I DO NOW!

Veroni: Well, good. Into costume all!!

Skimble: But... But..

Veroni: WHAT?

Skimble: WATER!!!!

Veroni: Pfft. Baby...

(The show opens in Heaven--- er, the Heavyside Layer. Skimbly Biggalow, our "hero"---)

Skimble: HEY! Give me one good reason why the word hero is in quotes.

Veroni: Aside from the fact that Billy's not the most admirable character for about 60% of this show?

Skimble: Oh. Yes. That's a---

Both: --- good reason.

Veroni: Mmm-hmm. NOW may we continue?

(Skimbly Biggalow is shining stars when an attendant wanders by.)

Admetus: Biggalow!

Skimble: What'd I do now?

Admetus: Not what you did. I just..... well, I can't tell you where I heard it, but someone told me that things ain't goin' so good for your kinfolk down below.

Skimble: Trouble? Is it Julie?

Admetus: I don't know.

Skimble: Is it my boy?

Admetus: I TOLD you I don't know. Just that they're going through some rough times.

(In short, the annoying little nameless attendant let's it "slip" that Skimbly would be allowed to return to Earth for one day to tie up any unfinished business below. To get this permission, he goes to see...)

Cats: Old Deuteronomy.

Veroni: How'd ya guess?

(They hash out a few things, tossing the conversation back and forth until we hit the time for a....)

Pounce: Fasten your seatbelts!

(FLASHBACK!!)

Jelly: Which is actually most of this show, so technically we're fastening our seatbelts for the actual show to begin.

Veroni: And thanks for clarifying that for the readers who were ASLEEP when I wrote the exact same thing a little HTML ago.

Jelly: Hey! You never know.

(It's a summer evening at the Carousel run by Mrs. Jenlin. The young and handsome barker, Skimbly Biggalow...)

Skimble: I DO NOT BARK!

Veroni: You're not actually barking! You're... oh never mind. Just shut yer trap and act, huh?

(Where was I? Oh, yes. Mrs. Jenlin's prize barker is doing his normal bang-up job at getting the kittens and queens excited enough to want to throw away their hard-earned cash on a few moments of spinning around and around and around and around and around.)

Cass: I'll be right back. (races into the bathroom and we hear a flushing sound)

Lec: She must have THE weakest stomach in the world!

Cet: Just hope that's not a common trait among her whole family.

Lec: Why?

(The kittens are trampled by a stampede of Cass' relatives, all looking quite green around the gills.)

Vicky: (looking down at the two flat cats) THAT will happen.

(Two queens are seen amongst the crowd. They are Julie Lorum and her best friend, Demarrie. They work in the mills and have decided to take their time off to enjoy the amusement park. Mrs. Jenlin notices Julie and her friend in the crowd and decides on the spot that she doesn't like them.)

Demeter: Pfft. Typical. Just because we're queens, we get stereotyped as troublemakers!!

Vicky: **shivvers**

Pounce: What's wrong, Vic?

Vicky: Sorry. It's just that (lowers her voice to a scary tone) Dem's starting to sound like Jenny!

Pounce: EEEEEP!!! HIDE ME!! WE DON'T NEED TWO OF THEM!!!

Jenny: (from the stage) I HEARD THAT POUNCE!!

(She takes a disliking to them because Skimbly starts noticing Julie, and Mrs. Jenlin wants Skimbly all for herself...)

Tumble: Eeeeeew..... JENNY! Kinda kinky.

Bustopher: You're already married!!

Jenny: (starts to say something and stops, shaking her head)

Pounce: Wow. Jenny's speachless.

Tumble: Take a moment to marvel at this rare occurance.

Jenny: I'm going to count to ten and then you'd better be very FAR away from me. (brandishes the pinking shears)

Pounce: (yelps and runs like the wind)

(Skimbly tells Mrs. Jenlin to leave the girls alone and in a long quarrel that would take up more HTML space than I care to mention, he is fired. Julie agrees to meet up with Skimbly later, even if it means missing her curfew. Demarrie quickly comes to the conclusion that her best friend is in L-O-V-E...)

Pounce: Love.

Veroni: So glad to know you can spell Pounce.

Pounce: (sticks out his tongue and resumes running from Jenny and the pinking shears)

Dem: (sings while Pounce runs past, screaming in time with the music ) You're a queer one, Julie Lorum,

You were quieter and deeper than a well

An' ye never tell me nuthin'!

Pounce: STAY AWAY FROM ME WITH THOSE THINGS!!!!

Jelly: (shrugs and keeps singing) There's nuthin' that a keer to choose to tell.

Dem: You been acting most peculiar,

Every morning you're awake ahead of me,

Always settin' by the winder.

Jenny: (rushes by, teasing) Snip, snip!!

Jelly: I like to watch the river meet the sea.

Pounce: (looks horrified, but then realizes something) OH! I thought you said "I like to see the scissor meet the----"

Veroni: DON'T SAY IT!!!

Dem: When we work in the mill, weavin' at the loom

You gaze absent-minded at the roof

And half the time your shuttle gets twisted in the threads,

'Till you can't tell the warp from the woof.

Cats: LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!!!

Veroni: Not that kind of warp you..... Never mind. Just NEVER MIND.

Jelly: 'Taint so.

Dem: You're a queer one, Julie Lorum,

You won't ever tell a body what you think.

You're as tight-lipped as an oyster,

And as silent as an old Sahara spink!

(speaks) Julie, I've been BUSTIN' to tell you somethin' lately!

Jelly: Ya 'ave?

Dem: Reason I didn't care to tell ya was before was because you ain't had a feller of your own. But now that ya got one I can tell ya about mine!!

Jelly: I'm glad ya got a feller, Demarrie. What's his name?

Dem: His name is Misto Snow.

And an up-standed man is he.

He comes home every night

In his round-bottomed boat,

With a net full of herring from the sea.

An almost perfect beau,

As refined as a queen could wish.

But he spends so much time

In his round-bottomed boat

That he can't seem to lose the smell of fish.

Misto: Gee. You descibe this character so...... vividly. How could I refuse playing him? (wrinkles his nose)

Tugger: Probably because she would have made your fur into a rug if you'd refused?

Misto: True, that.

Dem: The first time he kissed me

The whiff from his clothes

Knocked me flat on the floor of the room.

But now that I love him, my heart's in my nose

And fish is my fav'rite perfume!

Pounce: Ooooh. So many good jokes to choose from on that one. Guess I'll have to go with---

Veroni: None of 'em.

Pounce: ----none of 'em. (pause) HEY!

(Anyway, Demarrie carries on for another verse or two and suddenly Skimbly returns as promised. He gets Demarrie to leave and he and Julie get some alone time together. In one of this author's favorite songs, the two talk about what it would be like IF they loved each other.)

Veroni: Which means---

Cats: We know. Keep our traps shut.

Jelly: If I loved you,

Time and again I would try to say

All I'd want you to know.

If I loved you,

Words wouldn't come in an easy way

Round in circles I'd go!

Longin' to tell you, But afraid and shy,

I'd let my golden chances pass me by!

Soon you'd leave me,

Off you would go in the mist of day,

Never, never to know...

How I loved you....

IF I loved you.

Skimble: Why, you can't hear a sound, not the turn of a leaf

Nor the fall of a wave hittin' the sand.

The tide's creepin' up on the beach like a thief,

Afraid to be caught stealin' the land!

Macavity: Yeah. Ya gotta be stealthy or soon you have a bunch of cats chasing after you and singing a late second-act number about you, including one really paranoid one who can't stop screaming---

Dem: MACAVITY!

Veroni: You done, soliloquy tom?

Skimble: HEY! That's MY song!

Veroni: Not THAT solilo--- I repeat my "never mind".

Skimble: On a night like this I start to wonder what life is all about.

Jelly: And I always say two heads are better than one to figgure it out.

Tanti & Cori: (nod in agreement, completely in sync with one another)

Munku: Freaky.

Skimble: (continues, speaking) I don't need you or anyone to help me. Got it figgured out for myself!

(sings) Why you can't even count the stars in the sky,

And the sky's so big the sea looks small,

And two little people, you and I

We don't count at all.

I can just see myself, kinda scrawny, and pale

Picking at my food, And love-sick like any other guy.

I'd throw away my sweater, and dress up like a dude

In a dicky-----

Pounce & Tumble: DICKY???

Toms: **roar with laughter**

Skimble: (turning 20 shades of crimson) Who writes this stuff anyway?

Veroni: Oh, just two semi-superstars in the musical theater biz named----

Cats: Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!!

Who are you? What have you sacrificed?

Jesus Christ! SUPERSTAR!!

Do you think you're what they say you are?

Veroni: So funny. Tell me, are you trying to break the previous record for number of cross-parody promotions?

Skimble: If I loved you,

Time and again I would try to say

All I'd want you to know.

If I loved you,

Words wouldn't come in an easy way

Round in circles I'd go!

Longin' to tell you, But afraid and shy

I'd let my golden chances pass me by!

Soon you'd leave me,

Off you would go in the mist of day,

Never, never to know....

How I loved you...

If I loved you......

Veroni: **sigh** That song always brings a tear to my eye.

Cats: (give her a long, blank stare)

Veroni: I'm a sentimental sap. So sue me!

Pounce: If only I could find a way....

Veroni: Eh-heh. Oh so funny. Lucky for you it's time for an HTML break.

Munku: Can't you ever come up with something more inventive than: "Gee, it's time to take an HTML break"?

Veroni: In a word? Guess not.

Pounce: That's two.

Vicky: Which is also two.

Pounce: Huh?

Vicky: You just said two words too.

Jemi: Which would be four.

Pounce: Four? How did we get from two to four?

Lec: Multiplying by two.

Veroni: AURGH!!! (leaves the insanity in a dead sprint for the door)

Misto: Take five guys.

Lec: No. There is no way to get five from four and two...

Misto: (rubs his temples) WAIT UP VERONI!!!!