by Matt

(The cats are lounging around when Matt walks in, holding the script to the parody.)

JEMIMA: (after reading the title) ACK! Why THIS one? We're not even done with "Schlock Treatment"!

MATT: I've been putting this one off for WAY too long. And besides, it's my 20th parody! This is a milestone!

POUNCIVAL: Yeah, a milestone commemorating the longest time a cat hasn't been taken to the funny farm.

MATT: Shut up, Pounce! Or you won't be in the next one.

POUNCE: You mean it?

MATT: Well, if you consider it more of a reward than a punishment, you WILL be in the next one.

POUNCE: Me and my big mouth...

BANDERSNATCH: I knew you'd have it coming someday.

POUNCE: *sticks his tongue out at Bandersnatch*

BANDERSNATCH: OOOOHHHH!

OLD D: Matt, I must have a word with you. How come I'm not in this one? This is age discrimination! All the younger cats get parts, but I don't? I still have it! Check this out...*sings and starts doing a Rockette-style kickline step* ONE...singular sensation...every little step she...*CRACK!*

DEMETER: MACAVITY!!!!

OLD D: No, that wasn't Macavity...THAT WAS MY HIP! I threw it out again! *limps off*

MATT: Actually, there is one part for an older cat...

(Jennyanydots, Skimbleshanks, Gus, Bustopher Jones, Asparagus Jr., and Jellylorum all perk up when they hear this, and start singing and dancing all at once. Old D tries his best too, but he's too busy trying to get his hip popped back into place.)

MATT: ...but it's already been given out.

(The older cats look around, wondering who got the part.)

SKIMBLE: I wasn't informed that I'd be in this one.

JELLY: Neither was I...

GUS: So who's playing this part?

(Grizabella shows up, standing in the back of the junkyard.)

GRIZ: *singing while tap-dancing and wearing a sash across her midsection reading HAPPY NEW YEAR 1937* I got...STEEEAM HEAT...

MATT: Griz...

GRIZ: I got...SSSSTEEEAAAAM HEAT...

MATT: Griz...

GRIZ: I got...SSSSSTEEEEAAAM HEAT...

MATT: GRIZ!!!!!!

GRIZ: WHAT?!

MATT: What in Heavyside's name are you DOING?

GRIZ: Auditioning for the part of Cassie, darling. What else would I be doing?

MATT: But Griz...you already were going to play Cassie. I promised Juliet ages ago that you'd get that part!

BANDERSNATCH: But seeing as she isn't here, why not give it to someone else?

MATT: Never thought about that...but I'm too lazy to do any casting changes now.

(Munkustrap walks out at that moment wearing a blond wig and a "preppie" outfit.)

MUNK: OK, so I'm Zach in this one. Where's Slater, Kelly, and Screech?

MATT: NOT THAT ZACH, YOU...Zach, the director of the musical within the musical, not that con-artist from "Saved By The Bell"!

MUNK: Jeez! (runs off to change) Sor-ry!

MISTOFFOLEES: Explain again why we're all doing this one?

MATT: I thought it would be fun to parody the musical you guys beat out as Broadway's longest running show.

MISTO: But just because we BEAT IT OUT doesn't mean we have to ACT in it!

MATT: I don't know why YOU'RE complaining, Misto. I gave you the big monologue. It's a real tear-jerker!

MISTO: Oh yeah, right...I retract my last complaint.

MATT: OK, all other griping must be put on the back burner...

POUNCE: Kind of like "Schlock Treatment"...

MATT: POUNCE!!!...Anyway, we have to get this show on the road! Is everyone ready?

TANTOMILE: I just need an extra cat to help me in the tech booth.

EXOTICA: I'll come with you, Tantomile.

(As they leave, Coricopat looks at them then gives the other cats the look he gives when he knows something the others don't.)

POUNCE: What's up with you, Coricopat?

CORI: Oh, nothing.

POUNCE: "Nothing", eh? I think I know what it is! Hey everybody! Tantomile and Exotica are...

MATT: (interrupting) Are all you cats ready to start? Sooner started, sooner done! ACTION!

(We go now to an audition for a new musical. There are three lines of aspiring actor kitties in rehearsal clothes, facing dance mirrors. This audition is for a major musical. Zackustrap, the director, is teaching the cats a dance routine, assisted by the dance captain, Tuggary.)

TUGGER: HEY! How come I have a part where I get no solo, no dance, no anything?

MATT: Because Terrence Mann played Larry in the film version of "A Chorus Line". Naturally, YOU came to mind while I was casting.

TUGGER: I should be so grateful.

(A rehearsal piano--played by Jennyanydots--is heard, as Zackustrap is calling out the instructions.)

ETCETERA: Jeez, he sounds like a taskmaster!

MACAVITY: Not too much of a stretch for Munkustrap, now is it?

MUNK: HEY!

(gets into character)

Again...

Scratch, lick, lick, purr, kick, scratch

Scratch, lick, lick, purr, kick, scratch

BANDERSNATCH: Huh? These aren't the words.

MUNK: Right...that connects with...

Purr, purr, flick, hiss, scratch, step

Turn, lick, lick, purr, kick, spray!

MATT: MUNKUSTRAP! What are you doing?!

RUMPUS CAT: (who isn't dancing, but is watching while listening to Forbidden Broadway Strikes Back on a Discman) I think I know what he's doing...

MATT: GIMME THAT DISCMAN, RUMPUS!

RUMPUS: (grabbing Matt by the collar) Say PLEASE.

MATT: PLEASE?!

RUMPUS: (after dropping Matt so that he lands in the directors chair with a PLOP!) OK...NOW that you asked nice!

MUNK: (who isn't paying attention to Matt having a hissy fit) Got it? Let's do the whole combination facing downstage AWAY from the litter box...A-five, six, seven, eight...

MATT: OK, NOW I see what he's doing...Munkustrap! Stop it!

MUNK: (still ignoring Matt) Okay, I'm going to put you in your groups now. When I call your number, I'll tell you where you're gonna be in the formation.

ETC: Oh, Everlasting Cat, I don't remember my number.

MUNK: Right, when I find a number without a cat, it's you. (the confused kitty goes back into the group) Okay, queens first. Number Two, downstage. Number Nine, upstage. Number Ten, downstage. And number Twenty-three, upstage. Twenty-three. Judy Ceturner.

ETC: Twenty-three! (goes to her spot on stage. At this point, the lights shine on the actors as Zackustrap continues to get groups in order.)

ALL: Meow, I hope I get it,

I hope I get it,

How many kitties does he need?

TOMS: How many kitties does he need?

QUEENS: Meow, I hope I get it.

ALL: I hope I get it.

MATT: Munkustrap! What the heck are you making them do?

MUNK: A few "Forbidden Broadway" lyrics never hurt a parody!

MATT: YES THEY DO! I could get sued! It's bad enough Macavity's lawyer took me to the cleaners, I don't need Gerard Alessandrini's lawyer on me as well!

MUNK: Party pooper.

BANDERSNATCH: I just never knew that Munk had it in him. I guess that "bug up his butt" thing is just a facade...

TUMBLEBRUTUS: What's a facade?

POUNCE: Generally speaking, it's a giant BS act.

TUMBLE: And that is?

MATT: Uh...PG rating guys...

(Well, since Munkustrap blew that scene to itty bitty shreds, let's just say the director finally whittles down his choices to nine girls and eight toms, who we'll all get to know throughout the course of the parody...)

ALL: Meow, I think I've got it,

I think I've got it

I knew he liked me all the time...

MUNK: I want your pictures and resumes please.

ALL: Still it isn't over...

JEMIMA: What's coming next?

ALL: It isn't over...

MUNGOJERRIE: Wot 'appens naow?

ALL: I can't imagine what he wants

QUEENS: I can't imagine what he...

ALL: Meow, I hope I get it!

I hope I get it...

(The chosen few gather around Tuggary, who tells them to form a single line...)

MATT: TUGGER! You're supposed to tell ALL of them to form a single line, not just the guys!

TUGGER: Sorry. Old habit.

ALL: I've come this far but even so

It could be yes, it could be no

How many kitties does he...

I really need this job...

(This goes on for a while, but the song finally ends with the chosen cats putting their headshots in front of their faces.)

MUNK: Tuggary, collect the pictures and resumes, please.

(Tuggary does show, as the lights go down, leaving one tom in the spotlight...)

MISTO: Who am I anyway?

Am I my resume?

That is a picture of a cat that I don't know

What does he want from me?

What should I try to be?

So many faces all around, and here we go

I need this job, oh Everlasting Cat, I need this show!

(The lights go back up)

MUNK: Today, I want you to tell me your stage name, real name if it's different. And I'd also like to know where you were born and when.

BOMBALURINA: Terrific!

VICTORIA: Fabulous!

ETC: Ah...excuse me, sir, do we have to? I mean, it's not very polite to ask a queen her age.

JENNY: Especially since the ages they're going to give are in human years...

MUNK: Being polite doesn't interest me. YOur age does. And I want to know your age. Okay, let's go down the line. We'll start on the end, stage right.

(The cats all look at the tom standing far stage right...who isn't even on stage?!)

MATT: MACAVITY! Get out there!

MAC: Only if you PROMISE nothing bad will happen.

MATT: RELAX. After what happened with your lawyer, I doubt anything bad will happen.

(Matt shoves Macavity out on stage and the parody continues.)

MAC: (quickly getting into character) Ah...twenty-six.

MUNK: Start with your name and step forward.

MAC: My real name is Don Mackerr. Ah...Kansas City, Kansas. October 20, 1949. (goes back in the line.)

MUNK: Next.

JEM: Jemaggie Winslow.

MUNK: Louder.

JEM: *raising her voice to a yell, making Tantomile, in the tech booth, hold her hears* Jemaggie Winslow, sometimes known as Jemargaret, Jemaggie, Peggy, all of the above. Whatever, it's real and I was born in San Mateo, California, on a Thursday evening at 10:40 PM, August 17, 1950.

MUNGO: Oi'm Moike Munga--it used ta be Mungafalone. Born in Trenton, New Jersey...

(the other cats start snickering)

POUNCE: I find THAT hard to believe.

MUNGO: (after hissing at Pounce)...July Nointh, Noineteen Fifty-one, which maikes me twenty-four.

MUNK: Next.

ELECTRA: Leconnie Wong. It's always been Leconnie Wong. I was born in Chinatown, Lower East Side.

MUNK: Your age?

POUNCE: Go on, Miss Wong.

LEC: Ah...December 5, 4642. The Year of the Chicken.

MUNK: Next.

PLATO: (practically running forward, somewhat happy that he has some considerable fic time) My real name is Platney Kenneth Beckenstein. My Jewish name is Platmel Lev Ben Yakov Meyer Beckenstein, and my professional name is Platory Gardner. Very East Side, and I do not deny it. Born August 2, 1943.

BANDERSNATCH: Something tells me he's a bit excited to be playing more than a chorus cat or a character with only one or two lines.

GRIZ: (not waiting for Zackustrap to call next) Grizzie...ah...Zackustrap, could I talk to you for a minute?

MUNK: Sure, go ahead.

GRIZ: Well, I mean privately.

MUNK: Not right now, Grizzie, I'm running about an hour behind.

GRIZ: Well, I know, but I...

MUNK: Next.

BOMB: I'm Sheila Bombant, really Sara Rosemary Bombant, which I really hate. I was born August 8, 1946 in Colorado Springs, Colorado. And I'm going to be thirty real soon. And I'm real glad.

JELLY: No you're not. Being old isn't what it's cracked out to be. I fend off smart remarks from the kittens on a constant basis.

JENNY: Uh, Jellylorum, she's only ACTING.

POUNCE: I'm Pouncert Charles Joseph Henry Mills III, that's my real name too. I come from upstate New YOrk near Buffalo, I can't remember the name of the town, I blocked it out. Born March 15, 1950.

RUMPLETEAZER: Moiy naime is Bebe Teazenheimer...and Oi knaow, Oi gotta chainge it. Born June 6, 1949. Oi come from Boston, an' here Oi am.

ETC: My name is Judy Ceturner. My real name is Lana Ceturner. (laughs at her own joke)

POUNCE: Lame!

ETC: If you weren't so cute, I'd hit you. (gets back into character) No, no, no, no, no...it's always been Judy Ceturner. Born July 21, 1947. Oh, and I was born in El Paso, Texas.

MUNK: Good. Next.

CORI: My name is Corichie Walters. I'm from Herculaneum, Missouri. I was born on a full moon on June 13, 1948. And I'm a dark-colored cat.

ALONZO: I'm Alan DeLonzo. January 11, 1945. I come from the Bronx.

CASSANDRA: I'm Casstine Urich, Casstine Evelyn Urich. I WANTED to play Griz's part, but nooooo...

MATT: CASSANDRA! Stick to the lines!

CASS: (growls, then continues)...Born September 1, 1953.

ALONZO: Tell him where you're from.

CASS: Oh--I'm from St. Louis, Missouri. Oh, and my married name is DeLonzo. (they nuzzle each other.)

POUNCE: I think that performance evoked some pathos in our tech booth. Look at Tantomile and Exotica up there...

(No one is paying any attention to Pouncival, as everyone is too into watching the parody at hand.)

MUNK: Oh, I didn't know, Al. Congratulations.

ALONZO: Thanks.

MUNK: Next.

VICKY: Well, as far as I'm concerned, I'm Victoria Clark. But my parents think I'm Vicaret Mary Houlihan. Couldn't you just die? I was born in the middle of nowhere. A little town called Arlington, Vermont. Bye, bye.

MUNK: How old are you?

VICKY: Old...no, 25.

TUMBLE: Ah, Mark Antumble. Really Mark Philip Lawrence Tumbori. Tempe, Arizona. I'm twenty.

POUNCE: Oh, Everlasting Cat.

TUMBLE: And if I get this show, I'll work really hard.

MISTO: And seeing how it's a cat who's saying this, I find it hard to believe.

BOMB: (still in character) Oh, BROTHER.

VICKY: Don't let 'em bug you, honey.

MISTO: Paul San Misto. It's my stage name. My real name is Ephraim Ramistez. I was born in Spanish Harlem, October 22, 1947.

DEMETER: My name is Demana Morales. And I didn't change it 'cause I figured ethnic was in. 6-10-48. You got that? And I was born on a Hollywood bed in the Bronx.

MUNK: Go on, Demana.

DEM: Go on, what? Oh, oh, you want to know how tall I am? The color of my eyes? Or how many shows I've done? I just gave you my picture and resume, everything you wanna know is right there.

POUNCE: Although given how often I see Munk and Demeter together, I'd say he knows just about everything about Demeter...

MUNK: I know. Now tell me what's not on it.

DEM: Like what?

MUNK: Talk about yourself.

DEM: Talk about what?

MUNK: Tell me about the Bronx.

DEM: What's to tell about the Bronx? It's uptown and to the right.

MUNK: What did you do there?

DEM: In the Bronx? Mostly wait to get out.

MUNK: What made you start dancing?

DEM: Who knows? I have rhythm--I'm Puerto Rican. I always jumped around and danced. Hey, do you want to know if I can act? Gimme a scene to read, I'll act, I'll perform. But I can't just talk. Please, I'm too nervous.

MAC: I wonder why? I'm way on the other side of the line...

DEM: Look, I really don't mind talking, but I just can't stand to be the first, please.

MUNK: You want this job, don't you?

DEM: Sure I want the job.

MUNK: Alright, Demana, back in line.

VERONI: (rushes in, fending off a penguin and throws the HTML switch) More coming up!!