VERONI: Okee.. Done with the pizza. Let him out.

MISTO: I hate you.

JENNY: Not infront of the kittens, Misto!

VERONI: 'Sides, here comes Matt...... you wouldn't want to be cranky for him would you?

MISTO: Was that a multiple choice question?

(When we last left off, Jostoff had been imprisoned by his master, Bustiphar. It's looking pretty bleak for him until two toms were thrown into the cell with him...)

DEM: (sings) Both toms were servants of Pharaoh the king

Both in the doghouse for doing their thing

One was a baker, a cook in his prime

One was a butler, the Jeeves of his time

(In this case, the butler and baker are played by Gus and Bill Bailey.)

GUS: Me, a BUTLER?!

MATT: We needed most of the other toms to play Jostoff and his brothers, you two were the only ones left.

GUS: Why not get Victor to do it?

LEC: Because he was smart and bailed out on us!

GUS: Oh, all right. But I'm doing this...

MATT: I know, under protest.

GUS AND BILL BAILEY: Hey Jostoff, help us if you can

We've had dreams that we don't understand

MISTO: Tell me all your dreams my friends and I will tell you what they show

Though I cannot guarantee to get it right, I'll have a go

DEM: First the butler, trembling, took the floor

Nervously he spoke of what he saw

GUS: There I was standing in front of a vine

I picked some grapes and I crushed them to wine

I gave them to Pharaoh who drank from my cup

I tried to interpret, but I had to give up.

MISTO: You will soon be free old chap, so do not worry anymore

The king will let you out of here, you'll buttle as you did before

DEM: Next, the baker rose to tell his dream

Hoping it would have a similar theme..

BILL: 'Bout time I got a singing role in one of these parodies, Matt!

CET: He must be one of the new ones...they haven't got his soul yet.

BILL: (sings at a very loud volume, since he's happy to have a singing part)

There I was standing with baskets of bread

High in the sky I saw birds overhead

Who flew to the baskets and ate every slice

Give me the message, I need your advice

MISTO: Sad to say your dream is not the kind of dream I'd like to get

Pharaoh has it in for you, your execution date is set

BILL: Well, at least I got to sing.

MISTO: (continues)

Don't rely on all I said I saw

It's just that I have not been wrong before...

(All the cats run on for the big production number...)

ALL: Go go go Jostoff you know what they say

Sha la la Jostoff you'll make it one day

Hang on now Jostoff you're doing fine

You and your dreamcoat, ahead of your time!

GO go go Joe!

(Etcetera, Victoria, and Electra come out and do a Middle Eastern dance.)

Go go go Joe!

(Plato lifts Cassandra up, and spins her around. Her leg is sticking out, and she almost hits Juliet and Griz, who have come back from the Senior Educational.)

JULIE: Watch it, Cass!

ALL: Go go go Joe

Go go go Joe

Go go go Jostoff you know what they say

Sha la la Jostoff you'll make it one day

Hang on now Jostoff you're doing fine

You and your dreamcoat, ahead of your time!

JULIE: (pushes Demeter aside) Let me show you how it's done!

MISTO: AHEAD OF YOUR TIME!

JULIE: AHEAD OF YOUR TIME!

MISTO: AHEAD OF YOUR TIME!

JULIE: AHEAD OF YOUR TIME!

ALL: AHEAD OF YOUR TIIIIIIIIME!

GO GO GO JOE!

(everyone collapses)

DEM: OK, Juliet, what gives?

JULIE: Hey, sometimes a queen's just gotta let it out.

DEM: Let me know next time you let it out!

JULIE: Sor-ry! (flips ahead in the script) Actually, Demeter, you can have the role back. Given who's playing the Pharaoh, I don't think I could sing this next song and keep my lunch in my stomach.

DEM: You really don't like the Tugger, do you?

JULIE: Let's say Jennyanydots told me a little bit about him after "Sunset Meow-levard".

DEM: Thanks! (sings)

Pharaoh he was a powerful tom

With all the ancient world in the palm of his hand

To all intents and purposes he

Was Egypt with a capital E

Whatever he did was showered with praise

If he cracked a joke then you chortled for days

No one had rights or a vote but the king

In fact you might say he was fairly right wing

When Pharaoh's around then you get down on the ground

If you ever find yourself near Rameses, get on your knees...OK, let's not go any further!

MATT: Why?

DEM: I am NOT inflating the Tugger's ego any further than it already has been!

TUGGER: Keep on singin' it, baby!

DEM: Uh-uh! I keep singing, your ego gets so big we can't fit it through the door!

MATT: Moving right along...

DEM: (sings) Guess what? In his bed Pharaoh had an uneasy night

He had had a dream that pinned him to his sheets with fright

No one knew the meaning of the dream

What to do? Whatever could it mean?

POUNCE: It means that this show should be cut down by forty minutes so we can eat!

DEM: Then his butler said...

GUS: I knew of a lad in jail

Who was hot on dreams, could explain old Pharaoh's tale

DEM: Pharaoh said--

TUGGER: Ain't I great?

MATT: NO! He did NOT say that!

DEM: MAY I FINISH A SENTENCE?

(sings) Pharaoh said, fetch this Jostoff man

I need him to help me if he can

Chained and bound, afraid, alone

Jostoff stood before the throne

MISTO: My service to Pharaoh has begun.

Tell me your problems, mighty one...

(And the Pharaoh appears. It's the Tugger, dressed like a cross between Ramses I and Elvis Presley. Of course, his mane is styled in a pompadour, and he's still wearing his stud belt...)

JULIE: Matt, I'd wear these earplugs if I were you.

MATT: Why?

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!

MATT: (with his claws in his ears) Oh yeah.

(The Tugger is really getting into it, shaking his hips and so on.)

TUGGER: Thankya, thankyaverrmuch.

(sings)

I was wandering along the banks of the river when seven fat vows came out of the Nile, uh huh

And right behind these fine healthy animals came seven other cows that were skinny and vile, uh huh

And then the thin cows ate the fat cows which I thought would do them good

But no it didn't make them fatter like such a monster supper should!

(He does a pelvic thrust on that last line...)

CET: OOOOOHHHH, TUGGER! I WANT TO HAVE YOUR LOVE CHILD!

TUGGER: Thankya, thankyaverrmuch.

(sings)

The thin cows were as thin as they had ever been

This dream has got me baffled, hey Jostoff what does it mean?

Now you know that kings ain't stupid

But I don't have a clue

So don't be cruel Jostoff

Help me now I beg of you...

ELECTRA: I LOVE YOU, TUGGER! (throws her collar at him)

TUGGER: (continues, catching the collar)

Then I was standing doing nothing in a field out of town when I saw seven beautiful ears of corn, uh huh

They were ripe, they were golden, but you've guessed it, right behind them there were seven other ears that were tattered and torn, uh huh

(throws a scarf into the crowd. Jemima catches it and faints.)

Then the bad corn ate the good corn, they came up from behind, yes they did,

But Jostoff, here's the punchline, I think it's going to blow your mind, flip your lid,

The bad corn was as bad as it had ever ever been

This dream has got me all shook up, treat me nice and tell me what it means

Hey hey Jostoff won't you tell poor old Pharaoh-oh-oh-OOOHHHHHHHHHH...

SKIMBLE: Easy on the ears, Tugger!

FEMALE KITTENS: SQUUUEEEEAAAALLLLL!

What does it mean?!

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEE!

TUGGER: Thankya, thankyaverrmuch!

JULIE: Female kittens, sheesh. I hope they grow out of it.

POUNCE: (rubbing his ears) You're telling me!

MISTO: Seven years of bumper crops are on their way

Years of plenty, endless wheat and tons of hay

Your farms will boom, there won't be room

To store the surplus food you grow

After that the future doesn't look so bright

Egypt's luck will change completely overnight

And famine's hand will stalk the land

With food an all time low

Noble king there is no doubt

What your dream is all about

All these things you saw in your pajamas

Are a long-range forecast for your farmers

And I'm sure it's crossed your mind

What it is you have to find

Find a man to lead you through the famine

With a flair for economic planning

But who this man would be I just don't know

(Any-hoo, the Pharaoh decides to make Jostoff his second-in-command...but the show isn't exactly over yet...)

CATS: Awwww, rats!

(...and the brothers get one more song in....)

MUNKU: DO I HAVE TO SING THIS?

MATT: Uh, since Reuben usually does, yeah!

MUNKU: OK, but...

MATT AND MUNKU: I'm doing this under protest...

MUNKU: (sings in a phony French accent)

Do you remember ze good years in Canaan?

Ze summers were endlessly gold

Ze fields were a patchwork of clover

Ze winters were never too cold

We ztrolled down ze boulevards togethair

And everyzing round us was fine

Now ze fields are dead and bare

No joie de vivre anywhere

Et maintenant, we drink a bittair wine...

BROTHERS: Zose Canaan days we used to know

Where have they gone? Where did they go?

Eh bien, raise your berets to those Canaan days

MUNKU: Do you remember zose wonderful parties?

Ze splendors of Canaan's cuisine

Our extravagant elegant soirees

Ze gayest ze Bible has ever seen

Eet's funny, but zince we lost Jostoff

We've gone to ze othair extreme

No one comes to dinnair now

We'd only eat zem anyhow...

JEM: Ewwww!

JULIE: I thought that we were through with cannibalism after "Sweaty Todd"!

MUNKU: ...We even find we're meezing Jostoff's dreams...

BROTHERS: Those Canaan days we used to know,

Where have they gone, where diiiiiid they go?

Eh bien, raise your berets to those Canaan days!

(Anyway, since Munkustrap and the other toms are sick of singing like Maurice Chevalier, they decide to go to Egypt where there was food to spare. Jostoff recognizes them, but they don't know who he is...)

BROTHERS: Grovel, grovel, cringe, bow, stoop, fall

Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl

We are just eleven brothers, good toms and true

Though we know we count for nothing when up next to you...

MISTO: Go on, go on, I'm digging this!

TUGGER: And they say *I* have a big ego!

BROTHERS: (continue)

Honesty's our middle name

Life is slowly ebbing form us, hope's almost gone

It's getting very hard to see us from sideways on!

CET: Unlike Bustopher...

LEC: You just couldn't resist, could you?

MISTO: I rather like the way you're talking, astute and sincere

Suddenly your tragic story gets me right here

All this tugging at my heart strings seems quite justified

I shall give you all you came for, and a lot more beside

DEM: Jostoff handed them sackloads of food

And they grovelled with base gratitude

Then unseen Jostoff nipped out around the back

And planted a cup in young Pouncemin's sack

When the brothers were ready to go

Jostoff turned to them all with a terrible stare and said

MISTO: NO! NO! NO! NO!

No! Stop your robbers, your little number's up!

One of you has stolen my precious golden cup!

(So anyway, Jostoff goes through all his brothers' sacks, and "finds" it in Pouncemin's sack...)

MISTO: Pouncemin, you nasty youth, your crime has shocked me to the core

Never in my whole career have I encountered this before!

Guards, seize him, lock him in a cell!

Throw the keys into the Nile as well...

CHORUS QUEENS: Each of the brothers fell to his knees

BROTHERS: Show him some mercy, oh mighty one please

He would not do this, he must have been framed

Jail us and beat us, we should be blamed

La la la la la, la la la la

La la la la la, la la la la

(The music picks up into a calypso beat)

Oh no, not he

How you can accuse him is a mystery

Save him, take me

Pouncemin is straighter than the tall palm tree

TUMBLE: I hear the steel drums sing their song

They're singing mon you know you got it wrong

I hear the voice of the yellow bird

Singing in the tree this is quite absurd

BROTHERS: Oh yes, it's true

Pouncemin is straighter than the big bamboo

No ifs, no buts

Pouncemin is honest as coconuts

TUMBLE: Sure as the tide washes the golden sands

Pouncemin is an innocent man

Sure as bananas need the sun

We are the guilty criminal ones

BROTHERS: Oh no, not he

How you can accuse him is a mystery

Save him, take me

Pouncemin is straighter than the tall palm tree!

(Pounce starts dancing, caught up in that island rhythm...)

POUNCE: Yah mon, me feelin' irie!

MATT: Uh, Pouncival, the more you shy away from the script, the longer this is.

POUNCE: Sorry.

DEM: And Jostoff knew by this his brothers now were honest toms

The time had come at last to reunite him when he dropped this bomb:

MISTO: Can't you recognize my face? Is it hard to see

That Jostoff who you thought was dead--your brother--is me?

BROTHERS: Jostoff, Jostoff, is it really true?

Jostoff, Jostoff, is it really you?

(A gold chariot comes out, pulled by Macavity and Bill Bailey, with Deutcob inside.)

MAC: Agh, my back!

ALL: SO DEUTCOB CAME TO EGYPT

NO LONGER FEELING OLD

AND JOSTOFF WENT TO MEET HIM IN HIS CHARIOT OF GOLD...

JULIE: I LOVE this last song, so nobody goof it up.

CATS: We will!

JULIE AND MATT: D'oh!

MISTO: I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain

To see for certain what I thought I knew

Far far away someone was weeping

But the world was sleeping, any dream will do.

I wore my coat, with golden lining

Bright colors shining, wonderful and new

OTHER CATS: Oooooh...

MISTO: And in the east, the dawn was breaking

And the world was waking, any dream will do.

A crash of drums, a flash of light

My golden cloak flew out of sight

The colors faded into darkness, I was left alone...

May I return to the beginning?

The light is dimming, and the dream is too

The world and I, we are still waiting

Still hesitating, any dream will do...

MATT: That was TOO good. They must be up to something...

ALL: May we return to the beginning

Before we were Broadway's longest-running crew

When we were just poems to Eliot's godchildren, oooh,

Now Matt always torments us, any dream will do.

MATT: I KNEW IT!!!

MISTO: Give me my colored coat, my amazing colored coat...

ALL: GET US OUT OF THESE FICS, THESE DEMENTED WEIRDO FICS!!!!

POUNCE: (to Misto) OK, so the play's over, and it's smooth sailing for the Canaanites from then on in, right?

MISTO: (popping a copy of "The Ten Commandments" into a VCR) Riiiiiiight.

MATT: Well, despite the fact you goofed up the last chorus of "Any Dream Will Do", you guys did an awesome job.

TUGGER: Thankya, thankyaverrmuch... (he strolls off with Bombalurina, and hands a note to Plato, who reads it in a garbage can to get the PA sound.)

PLATO: QUEENS AND GENTLETOMS, TUGGER HAS LEFT THE JUNKYARD.

MATT: D'oh! I knew that would happen if I cast him as the Pharoah....

JULIE: Come on, let's go downsize the Tugger's ego...

MATT: Nah, let's keep it. I think I could use him at full arrogance for the next parody...

CATS: AAAAAHHHHHH!

THE END