MATT: Well, have all you toms relieved any more possible tension you might have?

TUGGER: Sure have.

PLATO: It won't happen again.

MATT: IT BETTER NOT! You guys gave Jemima quite a shock when she went to the cat box. Maybe we should get "his" and "hers" cat boxes...

JULIE: Matt, we need to talk. It's Mistoffolees. He's not only too into his part...but he just now realized who also played him.

MATT: You mean...

JULIE: Yep.

(Misto runs on the set....acting very much like Jerry Lewis.)

MISTO: LA LA LAAAAAA...NICE LAAAAADYYYYYY!!!

MUNKU: If you do a "Carousel" parody and have him sing "You'll Never Walk Alone"...so help me...

MATT: Okee. Back to the parody at hand!

OLD D: YES, PLEASE, before the effects of the caffeine wear off! (chugs back more cappucino)

(So when we last left off, Joe Tuggardy was accused of being Shifty Mungoy, a player who took a bribe in Mexico, and has to appeal to the Commissioner. We are now in the locker room before a game, the entire team is gathered together and Van Deuteren is giving them a little pep talk.)

OLD D: The whole town is behind Joe--parades, speeches. They know an OK tom when they see one. And so do I.

ALONZO: Joe ain't done nothin' wrong.

TUMBLE: Mexican League--phooey!

CORI: That wise Thorpe dame. She oughtta be run outta town.

MUNKU: Yer darn right.

DEM: HEY! Munkustrap! You would think a queen would get a little support from her boyfriend here...

MUNKU: Sorry 'bout that hon, it was in the script!

DEM: OH, YEAH, SURE.

OLD D: Joe's up there with the Commissioner right now trying to clear himself.

ALONZO: I bet the Yankees are behind this whole thing.

TUMBLE: Yeah, you tell 'em.

POUNCE: Yeah, they're scared of us.

OLD D: Now listen. Whether Joe's with us today or not, you toms are going out there and play red-hot baseball.

(The other cats respond halfheartedly.)

OLD D: We're the best club in the league and you know it! Now when we take the field, I want you to forget about Joe and go out there and fill the park with so many base hits those Cleveland Indians will think it's the Third World War!

(he exits) TANTOMILE! MORE CAPPUCINO!

(The ballplayers decide to take their mind off things, so they sing a song about women...but they always come back to thinking about the big game. It's a cute song, but we'll skip it so we don't blow our PG rating any further, thanks to a bunch of toms who ooze hormones...)

PLATO: But that was BOMBALURINA singing all those sexy songs!

ALONZO: Yeah, we can only be pushed so far!

(The Senators, naturally, lose the game without Joe. We see Joe walking in a park, wearing dark sunglasses. Megabella then enters.)

GRIZ: Oh, Joe.

TUGGER: Megabella.

GRIZ: Thanks for coming.

TUGGER: They postpones the hearing till ten o'clock tonight.

POUNCE: Naturally, so we could drag this play out a few more scenes and have all the cats go through extreme agony.

MATT: POUNCIVAL! YOU ARE SPOILING THE MOMENT!

SKIMBLE: (sings) This is the moment...

MATT: GRRRRR!

SKIMBLE: Well excuuuuuuse me, it's one of the few songs I've sung in a parody that I actually like!

MATT: OK, I need to get drunk, and I need to get drunk NOW!

GRIZ: I didn't know whether it was all right for me to phone you.

TUGGER: Of course, it was all right.

GRIZ: Joe, I had something to explain. If I'd known you were going to be in all this trouble, I wouldn't have asked you to give up your room. I want you to know that. I wouldn't care how much cats talked.

TUGGER: I guess it was for the best. This is the twenty-fourth. It'll all be over soon.

VICKY: The play'll be over soon? THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

GRIZ: You mean the baseball season?

TUGGER: Everything.

GRIZ: How you talk. Everything what?

TUGGER: We play the Yankees tomorrow for the pennant. If I shouldn't be in the game, would you think I was a crook?

GRIZ: Well, of course I wouldn't.

TUGGER: Do you think I'm Shifty Mungoy?

MUNGOJERRIE: 'Ey! Why daon't ya roight leave me ou' o' this?

GRIZ: I know you're not. It's silly. You're not the least bit shifty, you're moody. Now if they called you Moody Mungoy, then I'd think there might be some grounds.

JENNY: TUGGER not the least bit shifty?!

TUGGER: At least I want to have my name cleared before I disappear.

GRIZ: What in goodness' name are you talking about?

TUGGER: There's a witness coming from Mexico City who knew Shifty Mungoy. He's coming to the hearing tonight and then I'll be proved innocent.

GRIZ: Of course you are. You're a good tom, I know that.

TUGGER: Do you? Do you think I come from Hannibal, Missouri?

GRIZ: No, Joe, I don't, but it's just as Jenster said, if you want to pretend you did then you must have your reasons, and it's an hnor to the town. But I know you're good. I may not be a judge of character, but I know when somebody's good. That's why I keep saying that Joe, the other Joe, will come back. Because he was a good tom too. And now that you're gone, I miss him more than ever.

TUMBLE: And the award for Best Sappy Speech in a Parody Since "Oklahomeow!" goes to...Grizabella!

GRIZ: Go chase your tail, Tumblebrutus.

JULIE: Ooooh, vicious! Go Griz!

TUGGER: He will come back.

GRIZ: You don't have to cheer me up.

TUGGER: He's closer than you think.

GRIZ: What would you know about it?

TUGGER: That's alright. Just remember what I said.

(sings)

He's near to you

Near to you

Though you think he's far away

He's near to you, so near to you

As near as April is to May!

Can't you feel him there in his favorite chair

Staring at the fireplace

Oh so near to you, always near to you

Why you might as well be face to face...

CET: *sniff* That is so beautiful...

LEC: Yeah. *sigh*

MAC: Hey, remember me? The Beast? The guy who sang all those soul-bearing songs in...

MUNKU: These kittens are fickle, Mac. Deal with it.

MAC: HA! Look who's talking, King of the Divas! You're becoming such a diva that you're making GRIZABELLA look humble!

TUGGER: (hisses at Munkustrap and Macavity and continues) For it's just as though he were standing as close as I

I know it's hard to imagine, but try,

If he's really near to you, near to you

You may be far apart and yet

If he's in your heart

Really in your heart

How near to you can he get?

GRIZ: (singing with more emotion and intensity, trying to outsing the Tugger)

He's near to me, near to me,

Even though he's far away

He's near to me, oh so near to me

As near as April is to May

(speaks)

Joe used to take me dancing at the Elks. He wasn't such a hot dancer. We had lots of fun.

TUGGER: I'm not such a hot dancer either... (bows to her)

JULIE: Which he should have done a looooooong time ago.

GRIZ: (still in character) I'd love it.

(they do a brief waltz, then try to outsing each other again on this last part of the line, each one becoming louder and more intense)

TUGGER: If he's really dear to you,

GRIZ: He's near to me

TUGGER: You may be far apart and yet

GRIZ: If he's in my heart

TUGGER: Really in your heart

How near to you

GRIZ: How near to me

TUGGER AND GRIZ: HOW NEAR TO YOU/ME CAN HE GET?

(Tugger gasps for air, but Griz is holding up well)

TUGGER: Griz, what gives? I have to gasp for air but you're not!

GRIZ: I have a good vocal coach, Scream n' Swivel.

TUGGER: HEY!

(The next scene takes place in Mistogate's apartment. Bombalola is on the bed, and Mistogate is plotting even further what to do to Joe.)

MISTO: It's just psychology, baby, just psychology. Do you think this noble young Joe Tuggardy will desert his team and the toms who have trusted in him? Never!

BOMB: But suppose.

MISTO: You're not supposed to suppose. I've put a lot of effort into this case.

BOMB: Well, he's an interesting tom.

MISTO: And once I've got him for keeps, I'll make him throw the game. That'll kill him.

BOMB: As for me, I'm sorry.

MISTO: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

BOMB: I said I'm sorry for him.

MISTO: I have observed of late a certain laxity on your part. Are you forgetting every principle I've ever taught you? All right--one hundred times.

BOMB: (begins reciting) Never feel sorry for anybody...never feel sorry for anybody...

MISTO: I must select something appropriate for this evening's hearing. That looks terrible. I'll wear that!

BOMB: (still reciting) ...never feel sorry for anybody...never feel...

(there is a knock on the door)

MISTO: Now can anybody guess who that is?

POUNCE: It's Ed McMahon, you may already be a million dollar winner.

MATT: POUNCIVAL!!!!

MISTO: (glares at Pounce, then gets back into character) Come in, Joe.

BOMB: (still reciting) ...never feel sorry for anybody...never feel sorry for anybody...

MISTO: All right, Bombalola, knock it off. Later. We've got the greatest baseball player in the world here, let's do him homage.

TUGGER: It's very kind of you to say that, Mr. Mistogate. But it doesn't look as though Joe Tuggardy would ever make it into the Hall of Fame.

MISTO: One can never tell.

TUGGER: I've made my decision, Mr. Mistogate. That's what I came to tell you about. I would like to exercise the escape clause which was to take place on the 24th which is today.

MISTO: Aren't you being a little hasty?

TUGGER: I thought it all over. I found that there is something more important in life than being a hero. (breaks character) OK, I thought I'd just have to play a rambling stud here. This guy is so sickeningly sweet I just might lose my lunch!

MATT: Just wait until you see what I have you doing when we do "The Jellicle King".

TUGGER: *gulp*

MISTO: (who hasn't broken character) Very well. An operation of this kind has to take place at the witching hour. So, at five minutes to midnight if you still want to go back, say the word.

TUGGER: *gulp* OPERATION???!!!! (looks at the pinking shears near Juliet's pipe in the junkyard, which say RESERVED FOR TUGGER on the handles)

JULIE: Relax, not that kind of operation.

TUGGER: Whew! (back in character) Suppose the hearing is still going on. You going to change me right there in front of everybody?

MISTO: Oh, no. That would cause talk. No! All you have to do is say "let's step into the next room". Joe Tuggardy will go through that door. He will never return--took it on the lam, they'll say.

TUGGER: I just wanted to be sure there was no misunderstanding. (he heads out, but turns back) Good-bye, Bombalola. (exits)

BOMB: Never feel sorry for anybody...never feel sorry for anybody...

MISTO: All right, Bombalola, let's not just have the letter, let's have the spirit.

BOMB: (louder) Never feel sorry for anybody...never feel sorry for anybody...

MISTO: And don't get too impudent with me or I'll degrade you and get Cassentine in here for this work. Get too fresh with me and I'll put you back on your broom. Now, while I go to the hearing, you sit down over there and you think of three dirty tricks. And they'd better be good. What's the matter with you, huh? You discourage me!

JENNY: I never thought I'd hear such abusive treatment to women from MISTOFFOLEES!

MATT: Chill it, Jen, he's only acting!

MISTO: (sings)

Whenever I'm from time to time depressed

POUNCE: Like we are whenever we're roped into parodies.

MISTO: (continues) And a trauma wells and swells within my breast

I find some pride deep inside of me

As I fondly walk the lane of memory

I see Bonaparte

A mean one if ever I've seen one

And Nero fiddlin' through that lovely blaze

Antoinette, dainty queen, with her quaint guillotine

Ha ha ha ha

Those were the good old days

I see Indians draggin'

An empty covered wagon

When scalping the settlers was the latest craze

And that glorious morn, Jack the Ripper was born

Ha ha ha ha

Those were the good old days.

I'd sit in my rockin' chair so peacefully rockin' there

Counting my blessings by the score

The rack was in fashion, the plagues were my passion

Each day held a new joy in store.

Was anybody happy?

I see cannibals munchin' a missionary luncheon

The years may have flown but the memory stays

Like the hopes that were dashed when the stock market crashed

Ha ha ha ha

Those were the good old days

(drops to his knees)

I'd walk a million miles or more

For some of the gore

Of those GOOD

OLD

DAYS!

LA LA LA LA LA NICE LAAAAADDDDYYYYY!!!!

JEMI: Wow. I now fully realize how evil a character Mr. Applegate is.

TANTI: But then again, he is the Devil.

VICKY: And they say HEAVY METAL gets kids into devil worship!

MATT: Bang up job, Misto! Nice Jerry Lewis insert too!

MISTO: (in Jerry Lewis voice) Oy, thanks a billion, Mr. Director-Type-Cat!

MATT: I've created a monster.

(We are now at the hearing. It's at the office of the baseball commissioner--played here by the Great Rumpus Cat. Belch, Van Deuteren, Joe, a postmaster--played by Plato--and other witnesses and reporters are filling the room. Mistogate is there, dressed as an old-fashioned barrister, and Demoria is speaking...)

DEM: Well, I'll tell you, because I value the good name of baseball more than I do a victory for my own team.

BUSTOPHER: Well, just because a picture in the paper taken four years ago happens to look something like him...

RUMPUS: Mr. Belch...

BUSTOPHER: I know, I know.

DEM: Miss Thorpe has the floor.

PLATO: Well, he never lived in Hannibal. That much I'll promise you.

RUMPUS: Not just now.

PLATO: That paper paid my expenses to come down here and testify.

RUMPUS: (eyes light up bright red) Not just now. Sit down, please.

(OK, let's just cut to the chase here. Demoria tells the Commissioner that Mistogate spread the Shifty Mungoy rumor instead of her. Then Megabella, Jenster and Jellis come in. They recognize the postmaster and put on an incredible act saying they remember Joe Tuggardy. The clock strikes twelve, but due to the proceedings of the hearing, Joe Tuggardy doesn't change back to Joe Gusboyd. THe next scene is in a park, Joe is sitting on a bench and Bombalola approaches him...)

BOMB: Joe.

TUGGER: Oh! Where is he?

BOMB: He's asleep. I gave him a pill.

TUGGER: Why didn't you give him two?

BOMB: I did. Move over.

TUGGER: Why not? We're both in the same club now.

BOMB: Don't cry, Joe.

POUNCE: The Tugger, crying? I gotta tell the guys THIS one! (runs off)

TUGGER: GRRR!

(Anyway, to make a short scene even shorter, Joe and Bombalola go to a night club and get another song which we'll skip so we can cut to the big game.)

ALL: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

(Two cats are hanging around outside the ballpark.)

ADMETUS: We'll never see the game if we don't line up tonight!

QUAXO: Fella told me there were two or three hundred guys out there already.

(Jellis and Jenster enter. They are wearing raincoats and galoshes, holding blankets, pennants and food, preparing for the long wait.)

JELLY: I think it's crazy.

JENNY: We'll be perfectly comfortable, we're ready for anything.

JELLY: Sleeping with a lot of toms.

VICKY: AND WHAT, pray tell, is wrong with that? (lifts her leg parallel to her body and three toms come running to her)

JENNY: (still in character) That's a crude way to put it, Jellis--sleeping in line with a lot of toms would be more refined. Oh, Gosh! (her blanket unrolls and she fixes it)

JELLY: Suppose some strange tom tries to talk to us.

JENNY: That would be nice. But wouldn't it be better with two strange toms--one for you too.

JELLY: A pick-up!

JENNY: Jellis, you make me sick, you're always saying we should live and now we have a chance for a little social contact, and you want to back out.

JELLY: I want to live, but in the daytime.

JENNY: Some of the best living is done at night, believe me.

(Two toms enter, passing Jenster and Jellis)

CARBUCKETTY: They were just trying to keep Joe out of the game. The whole thing was a frame-up.

BILL BAILEY: Those queens from Hannibal sure told them. Those three queens ought to get a medal.

(they leave)

POUNCE: And Matt should get a medal...for discovering new dimensions in insanity.

JENNY: Old queens. Oh well, it doesn't matter.

JELLY: It's what we get for lying.

JENNY: A little white lie for an important thing like the pennant is nothing to be ashamed of.

JELLY: No, I suppose not.

JENNY: Because if we lose, I'm going to kill myself!

TUMBLE: Oh boy. Just as we get Griz weaned off her pills, Jennyanydots threatens to kill herself.

EXOTICA: She's only acting, you stooge. (whacks Tumblebrutus on the side of his head)

TUMBLE: Hey!

CASS: Turnabout's fair play, Tumblebrutus! Remember what you did to my cousin Fortune?

TUMBLE: Yeah, but that was an accident! This wasn't!

(There is a blackout, and we hear a radio announcer's voice...)

MATT: Psst! I need a radio announcer! Macavity...would you?

MAC: Does it involve my having to go on stage?

MATT: No.

MAC: Does it involve any hard objects making contact with my head?

MATT: No.

MAC: Do I have to sing, dance, or do anything else stupid in any other numbers in this play?

MATT: No.

MAC: All right, I'll do it...

(gets into character)

Well, the rhubarb's over and Van Deuteren comes back to the dugout. It's the first half of the eighth inning. Washington leads four to three. The New York Yankees have a potential tying run on second base, and boy, how they'd like to bring that runner home. All right, we're all set to go once again. THere's the stretch, check to the runner leading off second base. Here comes the pitch.

(Carbucketty takes a bat and one of those soft RagBalls...the baseballs which have stuffing in them instead of the standard hardball...and hits it for the appropriate sound effect...however Mac doesn't quite see where it's going, so into his part that he doesn't notice it's going towards his head...)

MAC: (continuing) There's a long drive going deep into left field, and it is fouled by three feet... (the ball hits him in his head. He realizes that it's a soft baseball...)

THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT! (cuddles up with the soft baseball and curls up, closing his eyes and sucking his thumb)

RUMPLETEAZER: Eh, why's 'e doin' tha'?

TANTI: I think he's just relieved that for once a hard object didn't hit his head.

POUNCE: Either way, he's stealing my "You're A Good Tom, Munklie Brown" bit!

(We go to the next scene. A group of kittens is gathered around a radio.)

CARBUCKETTY: Foul! It's a foul!

(Mistogate and Bombalola enter...)

MISTO: You knew I had to get to the game!

BOMB: I tried to wake you. I shook you and shook you.

MISTO: You lie. I see it all now. You doped me. But why? Why did you do it?

BOMB: BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!

(Mistogate swipes at her but misses)

TUGGER: WATCH IT, MISTO! MY QUEEN! Touch her and I wrap you in your own intestines!

JEMI: Ewwwww!

MISTO: LOVE! (he hears the kittens cheering) What happened?

RUMPLE: Martin troiyed ta steal second.

BILL AND EXOTICA: They got him! They got him!

BILL: Good old Lonzey! He's got the arm for you!

MISTO: What's the score?

BILL: Four to three, Washington!

MISTO: (to Bombalola) Well, I'll get there in time...Washington will lose, even if I have to change him back right in front of everybody!

BOMB: Well, I don't want to see it. (she leaves)

MISTO: COME HERE! COME BACK HERE YOU!

(He raises his paws in a magical gesture, and the Devil's music plays again, and there is a blackout. The radio voice is heard...)

MATT: We're running out of background cats, and Macavity is a little too attached to that soft baseball...plus I don't want to wake him up...

JULIE: I'LL do it! WOO-HOO!

OTHER CATS: HER?!

JULIE: Of course! Who'd you expect? Just 'cause I'm a queen doesn't mean I don't know about sports!

JENNY: She's got a VERY good point!

JULIE: Thanks, Jen. (gets into character) Coming up now for the Yankees is Hank Bauer. On deck, Mickey Mantle. It's the first half of the ninth inning, one away, nobody on. The Senators now just two outs away from the pennant. Hank Bauer steps into hitting position. Hollingsworth out on the mound looks in to get his sign. All set to go. He swings into the wind-up, around comes the right arm, in comes the pitch. Bauer swings, there's a hard hit ground ball going into the hole between third and short. Strapovic charges over, back hands the ball beautifully, there's the long throw...

ALONZO: I must say, Juliet, I am impressed!

JULIE: Thanks, Alonzo.

MUNKU: Not only can you broadcast baseball...you've got a killer swing! I should know! (rubs the small scar on his forehead formed once his stitches from "The Tom and I" were removed)

JULIE: Quit kissing up, Munkustrap, and let's finish the parody.

MATT: Couldn't have said it better myself!

(So Mistogate and Bombalola--who has now been transformed into an ugly old cat--have gotten to the game and into the stands...)

MISTO: What's the score? What's the score, bud?

CARB: Four to three, Washington.

ADMETUS: COME ON NATS! We got 'em now!

(Bombalola whacks Mistogate with a scarf)

MISTO: Bombalurina! You're only acting! Easy on the merchandise!

QUAXO: Mickey Mantle at bat. Get this guy--get this bum.

MISTO: (rising) Come on, Yankees!

OLD D: Back Joe, play deep!

BOMB: (in a witchy, raspy voice) Come on, Washington. Come on, Joe!

(The crowd is on its feet)

OLD D: Come on, Joe! (Mistogate waves his paws with more scary music) What's happened...what's the matter? Come on, boy!

CARB: He can't run. He's lame or something.

POUNCE: Much like this parody!

OLD D: Come on boy, come...

(the crowd is dead silent...finally...)

OLD D: HE CAUGHT IT!!!!

(All the cats in the grandstand run out onto the field, however they all go in six different directions at once, starting a kitty mosh pit. The Great Rumpus Cat leaps into the turmoil and separates all the cats so we can continue the parody.)

MATT: We are SO CLOSE to the end here....and those cats had to do something like that...

(In the ballpark corridor, Joe Tuggardy has transformed into Joe Gusboyd again, running at top speed. This was pulled off by Misto transporting Gus from backstage to the stage while sending the Tugger to the backstage area.)

JELLY: Wow. Gus hasn't run that fast since...ever!

(So Gusboyd is now being pursued by teammates and fans.)

CORI: We won, we won!

ALONZO: American League champions, that's what we are, American League champions!

POUNCE: We showed those New York dudes! (hugs Lonzey) You was great, kid, you was great!

MUNKU: Next stop, the World Series!

BUSTOPHER: Shut the gate, nobody else in here!

(A guard--Plato--reinforces that rule.)

OTHER CATS: Who says so?

PLATO: Mr. Belch says so!

(the door to the locker room is shut)

BUSTOPHER: One of you toms get Van Deuteren.

MUNKU: I'll get him. (exits)

TUMBLE: Hey, they want us on television!

(The players head out to be interviewed. Van Deuteren enters.)

BUSTOPHER: I've shut the crowd out, Benny, and the reporters until I get this thing straight. Is Joe all right?

OLD D: He's disappeared.

BUSTOPHER: He can't disappear!

OLD D: I can't find him.

BUSTOPHER: Benny, it looked as if something happened to him, right while he was running for that ball.

OLD D: (starting to calm down as the effects of all the cappucino he's been chugging wear off) That's what I saw. He took off like a rabbit, then all of a sudden it looked like something hit him, he hobbled like he was lame, he was like a different man. Clumsy. There she goes I thought we'd blow it again. Then by the Everlasting Cat he made that last lunge and caught the ball. I tried to get to him to find out what was the matter, but the crowd got in the way. He ran into the club house and I haven't seen him since.

ALONZO: (enters holding Joe's pants) Benny, Joe's clothes are gone. We found his pants by the locker.

OLD D: Come on.

(They run out, and we hear a cheer from the team offstage...)

POUNCE: (unenthusiastically) Yay.

(and at the blackout, we hear a different radio voice...this time it's Asparagus, Jr....)

ASPARAGUS JR.: Neither Mr. Belch nor Benny Van Deuteren will affirm or deny the disappearance of Joe Tuggardy. However, many of the players admitted that from the moment he caught that ball and ran into the clubhouse, none of them has seen him. WHERE IS HE???

GUS: That's my boy!

MATT: Gus, get ready for the last scene!

GUS: Oh, right! (straps his "fat cat" harness back on, as he takes it off in between scenes)

(We go to Megabella's house. She is on the sofa, crying. Joe Gusboyd enters. Megabella hears the door shut...)

GRIZ: Is that you, Jenster? (she sits up...then stands up...) JOE!

GUS: I'm back. (breaks character) 'Bout time.

GRIZ: Joe. (straightens her fur) Joe, I'm a sight.

GUS: (back in character) A wonderful sight.

OTHER CATS: Awwwwwww.

GRIZ: Joe...oh, Joe! (she hugs him) Where you been? (changes her tone) Oh no, no. I didn't mean that. I wasn't going to ask that.

GUS: Don't ask it.

GRIZ: I didn't mean to.

GUS: Don't ever ask it.

GRIZ: I won't. You've been on a secret mission. (she hugs him again) But you're back.

GUS: If you'll have me. (he gets down on all four legs. Megabella starts licking his back.)

OTHER CATS: Awwwwwww.

(...but Mistogate pops up from behind the couch.)

MISTO: All right, Joe.

(Joe looks up, thinking he had gotten rid of Mistogate once and for all)

GRIZ: Is something the matter?

POUNCE: Well, now that you mention it, we have an insane director who makes us keep doing these stupid parodies in order to put his creations on our OTHER insane director's web page...

MATT: POUNCIVAL!!!! One day someone's going to swipe at you for saying the wrong thing...

POUNCE: That'll be the day!

GUS: (still in character) Say things to me.

MISTO: We've had our little joke.

GUS: (to Megabella) Things about us.

GRIZ: (sings) A queen doesn't know what she has until she loses it

When a queen has the love of a tom she abuses it

I didn't know what I had when I had my old love

I didn't know what I had 'til I said goodbye, old love

Yes, a queen doesn't know what she has 'til it is no longer around

GRIZ AND GUS: But the happy thought is

Whatever it is that's lost

May some day once again

Be FOOOOOUUUUUUND!

(while they're singing, Mistogate is trying to reason with them...)

MISTO: Listen, Joe, it was a mean trick to turn you back. It was an impulse and I regret it. But I'll make amends. YOu can show up tomorrow. You can be Joe Tuggardy again. Win the World Series, be a hero... (gets down on all fours) I'm not really a bad cat, Joe, I'm just emotional. I've forgiven Bombalola too. Look... (she's on the back porch, as her old sexy self) She wants you back, boy...

BOMB: Joe...Joe... (Mistogate whispers in Joe's ear, but gets no response. He tries to get Bombalola to do something, but she refuses...)

MISTO: (who by now has lost it...) LISTEN TO ME, YOU WIFE LOVING LOUSE, YOU BELONG TO ME! (starts to jump up and down, and Bombalola laughs at him. He runs after her. She pretends to be innocent, and he runs back...and screams this last line a la Jerry Lewis) YOU CROOK, YOU THIEF, YOU TWO-TIMING FALSE FACED SWINDLER! YOU'VE ROBBED ME, YOU'VE ROBBED ME! OYYYYYY! FROYNLAVEN!!!!

END OF ACT 2

POUNCE: Well, that one was...interesting.

JULIE: Something really weird is going on. A group of web surfers from France have just logged on and hailed Mistoffolees as a genius!

MUNKU: You'd better not let Misto know that, or he'll want his own telethon.

*THE END*