(The cats file in, herded like cattle by an irate Cillabub)

Cilla: What did you think you were doing, trying to escape?! I come into the break room to find you, and what should I find instead but a rope hanging out the window, and a bunch of cats sliding down it!

Alonzo: So what if we were?

Cilla: Then…then…oh, I don’t know. Let’s get started.

(When our story resumes, Peron and his new wife, Dema Duarte de Peron, are on the balcony of the Casa Pawsada, making their inaugural speeches to the crowds below, who are incessantly and rather annoyingly chanting ‘Peron! Peron!’ Múnk is in the crowd.)

Alonzo: Argentina! We are all…reaching for our common goals-our independence, our dignity, our pride. Let the world know that our great nation is awakening, and that its heart beats in the humble bodies of ‘Lonz Peron and his wife, the First Lady of Argentina, Dema Duarte de Peron!

(The crowd begins chanting ‘Demita! Demita!’ along with their other chanting. Dema takes the stand and addresses the crowd.)

Demi: Is this where I get to sing my song?

Cilla: Yep, take it away, Demi! Hankie time, ladies.

Demi: It won’t be easy, you’ll think it’s strange

When I try to explain how I feel

That I still need your love after all that I’ve done

You won’t believe me

All you will see is a queen you once knew

Although she’s dressed up to the nines

At sixes and sevens with you

I had to let it happen, I had to change

Couldn’t stay all my life down at hill

Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun

So I chose freedom

Running around, trying everything new

But nothing impressed me at all

I never expected it to

Don’t cry for me, Argentina

The truth is, I never left you

All through my wild days, my mad existence

I kept my promise, don’t keep your distance

(Jenny and Jelly begin bawling inconsolably)

And as for fortune, and as for fame

I never invited them in

Though it seemed to the world they were all I desired

They are illusions

They’re not the solutions they promised to be

The answer was here all the time

I love you and hope you love me

(To the dismay of the toms, all the queens have begun sobbing)

Don’t cry for me, Argentina

Don’t cry for me, Argentina

The truth is, I never left you

All through my wild days, my mad existence

I kept my promise, don’t keep your distance

Have I said too much?

There’s nothing more I can think of to say to you

But all you have to do is look at me to know

That every word is true.

(The crowd breaks into wild cheers as Dema has flashbacks of her early life.)

Cilla: (wiping away a tear) That was beautiful, Demi, beautiful.

(The crowd chants Demita’s name until she returns to the balcony, delivering a sharp-tongued speech that inspires hope and fear in all who hear it. The next scene shows the ball that is held to celebrate the successful election. Múnk, who’s there (surprise, surprise!), sings about Dema being suddenly catapulted into instant fame, and the difficulties of handling that fame.)

Munku: Am I singing this song all the way through?

Cilla: You have to sing most of it. I happen to like this song.

Munku: (grumbling under his breath) How come you always like the songs I have to sing?

Cilla: Because I like Ché’s parts, duh!

Munku: Fine! Have it your way!

High, flying adored

So young, the instant queen

A rich, beautiful thing

Of all the talents, a cross between

A fantasy of the bedroom

Pounce: (whispering to Tumble) How would he know that?

Munku: (glaring at Pounce) Shut up!

And a saint

You were just a backstreet girl

Hustling and fighting, scratching and biting

High, flying adored

Did you believe in your wildest moments,

Oh, this would be yours?

That you’d become the lady of them all?

Well, the stars in your eyes, when you crawled in at night

From the bars, from the sidewalks

From the gutter theatrical

Don’t look down, it’s a long, long way to fall

High, flying adored

What happens now, where do you go from here?

For someone on top of the world

The view is not exactly clear

A shame you did it all at twenty-six

There are no mysteries now

Nothing can thrill you, no one fulfill you

(Suddenly, Munkustrap trips on his tuxedo tails, falling on top of Mungojerrie, who’s dancing with Rumpelteaser in the background, along with other couples. Mungo loses his balance and falls backwards, his arms pinwheeling, onto Demi, who upsets the punch bowl--)

Cilla: Wait, wait just one cotton-pickin’ minute! Where did we get a punch bowl?

Demi: No matter, but now it’s all over my beautiful white dress! Thanks to Munku.

(Munku looks up guiltily from the bottom of a pile of cats.)

Munku: Sorry. Cilla: Whatever, whatever. What’s done is done. Next song, please.

(Dema has her paws full picking her new wardrobe, which includes all types of frilly hats and fancy-shmancy jewelry. She’s singing to her dressers and fashion advisors, who show her endless fashions.)

Demi: Ah, yes, the pressures of being rich and famous.

I came from the people

They need to adore me

So Christian Dior me

From my head to my toes

I need to be dazzling

I want to be rainbow high

They must have excitement

And so must I!

Fashion Advisors (Bomba, Cassie, Misto, and Jemima):

Eyes, hair, mouth, figure, dress, voice, style, image

Demi: All my descamisados expect me to outshine the enemy

I won’t disappoint them!

I’m their savior, that’s what they call me

So Lauren Bacall me

Anything goes!

To make me fantastic

I have to be rainbow high!

(Demita travels to Europe, which she tours in order to gain allies for Argentina. Back in good ol’ Argentina, Peron and his advisors, Mungojerrie and Rumpelteaser, watch and comment about a film of Dema’s travels. Múnk is the film projectionist, and he also has to add his two cents.)

Munku: Spain has fallen to the charms of Demita

She can do what she likes, it doesn’t matter much

Mungo: (in a thick Cockney accent)

She’s owa la'dy o'da new 'orld wit da gold'n touch

Cilla: Hmm, that doesn’t really work, does it, with those accents and all?

Misto: No, but nobody else is willing to sing the parts.

Cilla: Alright, fine, go on.

Rumpel: (with same horrendous accent) She filled da bullring, fo'ty-foive t'ousand seata

Munku: But if you’re prettier than General Franco, that’s not hard

Rumpel: Franco’s roign in Spoain shou' see out da fo'ties

So ya’ve juoist acquired a' allay 'oo

'ooks a'secure in 'is job as you

All: Let’s hear it for the rainbow tour!

It’s been an incredible success

We weren’t quite sure, we had a few doubts

Alonzo: Will Demita win through?

All: But the answer is ‘yes’

Munku: Dema started well, no question, in France

Shining like a sun through the post-war haze

A beautiful reminder of the carefree days

She nearly captured the French,

She sure had the chance

But she suddenly seemed to lose interest,

She looked tired

Face the facts, the rainbow started to fade

I don’t think she’ll make it to England now

Rumpel: It wa'n’t on da sche-dule any'ow

Munku: You better get out the flags

And fix a parade

Some kind of coming home in triumph is required

All (except Munku): Let’s hear it for the rainbow tour!

It’s been an incredible success

We weren’t quite sure, we had a few doubts

Alonzo: Will Demita win through?

Mungo & Rumpel: An' da answer is yay-es

Munku: And no

Mungo & Rumpel: An' yay-es

Munku: And no

Mungo & Rumpel: An' yay-es

Munku: *tsk, tsk* No.

(Demita comes home in style, to be met at the plane by her husband and her adoring fans.)

Demi: Ah, the limelight!

Tugger: Huh, they tell me not to let it go to my head.

(The aristocats, however, are not thrilled to see Dema return. They have become quite antagonistic towards our heroine, and vice versa. Finally, Demita speaks out and tells the upper class to back off. The song in which this occurs is of no great importance, so it will be cut in this parody. Dema starts her own foundation, called the Foundation Dema Peron (no, really!) after Múnk gave her grief for not supporting the poor like she promised she would. Múnk takes an entire song to describe this fund, and how money flows in and out of it.)

Munku: I don’t mind singing this song, Cilla, but do I have to do the dance number?

Cilla: Dance number?! Give me strength, Munku! We’re not talking the Jellicle Ball here.

Munku: Alright, alright, I’ll do it. But since I have to do that, I’m skipping the whole “money rolling in” part.

Cilla: Deal.

Munku: And the money kept rolling out in all directions

To the poor, to the weak, to the destitute of all complexions

Now cynics claim a little of the cash has gone astray

The cash became a stray?

Demi: Macavity!

Cilla: (smacks forehead) Yes, Munku, the cash became a stray.

Munku: (grins) But that’s not the point, my friends

When the money keeps rolling out, you don’t keep books

You can tell you’ve done well by their happy grateful looks

Accountants only slow things down,

Figures get in the way

Never been a lady loved as much as Dema

Perooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon!!

(he gasps for breath)

Cilla: Serves you right, should’ve gotten more air for that note.

(The scene shows the opening of a new drainage system (or something like that) in a poor community, thanks to the Foundation Dema Peron. Everyone is dancing, laughing, hugging, etc. as water flies everywhere. Múnk and a little kit, Jemima, scramble up into some sort of trough full of water. They do a cute little impromptu dance. Everyone is getting soaking wet, but no one cares. Suddenly, the cast gets involved in-a water fight?)

Cilla: Stop that! Alonzo, if I see that water gun again, it’s mine! You hear me? No, Pouncival, wait!

Pounce: CANNONBALL!!!

Cilla: Cut that out! Ow! (she is pegged by a badly aimed water bomb) Misto, I’ll have your whiskers for that! STOP!!!

(think Munku in “The Pekes and the Pollicles”)

(All the cats freeze. Pounce is holding a water balloon above Misto’s head, while Alonzo is wielding a huge Super Soaker like Arnold Swarzenegger.)

Cilla: (taking ‘Lonz’s water Uzi) Thank you, I’ll take that. Alonzo, go get ready. You’re on next.

(The next song is rather pointless, and pretty boring, too, but the gist of it is this: Dema wants to be the Vice President of Argentina, and the military leaders are balking at this idea. Peron sings to them, offering the pros and cons of making Dema Vice President.)

Alonzo: But on the other paw, she’s all they have

She’s a diamond in their dull gray lives

And that’s the hardest kind of stone,

It usually survives

And when you think about it,

Can you recall

The last time they loved anyone at all?

But on the other paw, she’s slowing down

She’s lost a little of that magic drive

But I would not advise those critics present to derive

Any satisfaction from her fading star

She’s the one who’s kept us where we are!

Cilla: Very nice. Next!

(In the next scene, two events are happening simultaneously. Demita is at a church, taking her communion, while in the street, in another part of town, Múnk is leading a street riot against the Peron government. Government soldiers have been sent out on horses to put down the riot.)

Plato: Wait, wait! Cilla, we don’t have any horses!

Cilla: Um…well, some of you kinda skip in the front row, and the rest bang coconuts together, like in Monty Python.

Plato: (confused) Huh?

Cilla: Never mind. Oh, I don’t know, just do whatever.

(When Dema gets to the church, there is a kitten choir there singing just for her.)

Kittens: Please, gentle Dema, will you bless a little kit?

For I love you

Tell her that I’m doing my best

I’m praying for you, even though you’re already blessed

Please, mother Dema, will you look upon me as your own,

Make me special

Be my angel

Be my everything wonderful, perfect, and true

And I’ll try to be exactly like you

(Dema goes inside and kneels at the priest’s paws as the two forces meet outside. The troops have drawn their sabers, which in this case are flimsy plastic props, and when the opposing forces meet, they beat at the crowd with the flat edges of the sabers, and some even slash downwards with the sharp sides. Cats are screaming and falling to the ground.)

Cilla: Hello, you’re supposed to be falling down when you get hit!

(Suddenly, as Dema takes the cup from the priest’s hands, she collapses. Everyone crowds anxiously around her, and they haul her off to the hospital, where she loses consciousness. Out in the streets, everything is quiet. The street is littered with the bodies of cats. All of a sudden, one sits up on his elbows. He has blood seeping from a wound over the right eye.)

Cilla: Tugger, what’d you do with the fake blood? I need it for Munkustrap.

Tugger: I couldn’t find any in the prop room.

Cilla: Then what are we gonna do?

Munku: Why don’t we just use those imaginations that you were talking about earlier?

Cilla: Because it creates a better effect when you have the blood.

Tugger: Well, I did find this… (He picks up a tomato, winds up like a pitcher, and hurls it at Munku, nailing him above the right eye.)

Munku: OW!!

Cilla: Nice shot, Tug! Let me see, Munku. Yes, that does create the desired effect.

Munku: (growls)

(After managing to elude the police that are patrolling the streets, Múnk also loses consciousness. The next scene is a strange fantasy world, like a dream, in which Dema and Múnk waltz together as he points out fallacies in the Peron regime and she answers him.)

Cilla: I take it you two know how to dance.

Munku & Demi: (exchanging a look) Duh, we’re Jellicle cats!

Cilla: Alright, then fine, go ahead and do it.

Munku: Tell me before I waltz out of you life

Before turning my back on the past

Forgive my impertinent behavior,

But how long do you think this pantomime can last?

Tell me before I ride off in the sunset

Just one thing I never got clear

How can you claim you’re our savior

When those who oppose you are stepped on, or cut up, or simply disappear?

(In order to get the full effect of this song, one must keep in mind that they are constantly dancing as they’re singing.)

Demi: Tell me before you get onto your bus

Before joining the forgotten brigade

How can one person like me, say,

Alter the time-honored way the game is played?

Tell me before you get onto your high horse

Just what you expect me to do?

I don’t care what the bourgeoisie say

I’m not in business for them, but to give all my

descamisados a magical moment or two!

So what are my chances of honest advances?

I’d say, love, better to win by admitting my sin

Than to lose with a halo

Munku: Tell me before I seek worthier pastures

And thereby restore self-esteem

How can you be so shortsighted

To look never further than this week or next week, to have no impossible dream?

Demi: Allow me to help you slink off to the sidelines

And mark your adieu with three cheers!

But first tell me who’d be delighted

If I said I’d take on the world’s greatest problems,

From war to pollution, no hope of solution, even if I lived for one hundred years

So go if you’re able to somewhere unstable

And stay there! Whip up your hate in some chartering state

But not here, dear, is that clear, dear?

(They set out on a fast-paced, sweeping waltz around the ballroom that they somehow appeared in (think The King and I). Finally, Dema, unable to take the pace, sinks to the floor. Múnk watches her uncertainly as she sings. Somehow, they both seem to realize that she’s ill unto death.)

Demi: Oh, great, so now I’m going to die?

Cilla: You betcha.

Bomba: Woo hoo! That means it’s almost over!

Munku: You’re right! We’re almost back to where we started!

Demi: Thanks for the sympathy, guys.

Oh, what I’d give for a hundred years

But the physical interferes

Every day more

Oh my Creator,

What is the good of the strongest heart

In a body that’s falling apart?

A serious flaw

I hope you know that

(Múnk fades into the darkness and Dema regains consciousness. When she wakes up, Peron is at her bedside.)

Alonzo: Your little body’s slowly breaking down

You’re losing speed, you’re losing strength, not style!

That goes on flourishing forever, but your eyes, your smile

Do not have the sparkle of your fantastic past

If you climb one more mountain, it could be your last

(He tells her that she is dying.)

Demi: So what happens now?

Where am I going to?

Alonzo: Don’t ask anymore

(All the queens start sobbing again.)

Misto: Now look what you did with all your depressing stuff!

Demi & Cilla: Sorry.

Demi: Where do we go from here?

This isn’t where we intended to be

We had it all, you believed in me

I believed in you

Certainties disappear

What do we do for our dream to survive?

How do we keep all our passions alive as we used to do?

Deep in my heart, I’m concealing

Things that I’m longing to say

Scared to confess what I’m feeling

Frightened you’ll slip away

You must love me

Alonzo: Sorry, no.

Demi: Hey, ditto, but those are the lyrics, okay?

Cilla: Look out, everybody, more boo-hoo stuff up ahead!

(Demita is now so weak, she needs a wheelchair. Finally, one day, she gets wheeled out onto the balcony of the Casa Pawsada, where she made her famous speech years ago.)

Demi: Actually, it was only a few hours ago, but oh well.

(For some reason, there is a crowd there, as there was before. She now reprises that speech in a totally tear-jerking scene.)

Demi: I want to tell the people of Argentina

I’ve decided I should decline

All the honors and titles you’ve pressed me to take

For I’m contented

Let me simply go on as the queen who brings her people

To the heart of Peron

Don’t cry for me Argentina

The truth is, I shall not leave you

Though it may get harder for you to see me

I’m Argentina and always will be

(The scene changes to show the crowd that waits and prays outside her bedroom window. Múnk is there, too. There is much chanting in Latin, which cannot be reproduced here, because this author doesn’t know Latin. We then see the inside of Dema’s bedchamber, where she is laying, propped up with pillows and surrounded by friends and family. She is engaged in singing her last words.)

Demi: The choice was mine, and mine completely

I could have any prize that I desired

I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire

Or else, or else, I could choose time

Remember, I was very young then

And a year was forever and a day

So what use could fifty, sixty, seventy be?

I saw the lights, and I was on my way

And how I lived

How they shone

But how soon the lights were gone

(As the crowd outside watches, the light in Dema’s bedroom goes out. They fall into mourning, and even Múnk turns his head away. We then see the grand funeral again, and the endless lines to view Dema’s body. All of a sudden, we notice Múnk standing near the coffin. He sings to Peron, who stands on the other side of the coffin, eyes cast downwards.)

Munku: A choice was yours, and no one else’s

You can cry for a body in despair

Hang your head because she is no longer there

To shine, to dazzle, or betray

How she lived

How she shone

But how soon the lights were gone

(He tentatively climbs the few stairs that the coffin is sitting on, and approaches it. Peron looks up at him. Múnk leans down and kisses the glass above Dema’s lips, as a last goodbye to the exceptional queen. When he pulls away, he slowly descends the steps and looks from the coffin to Peron, as a melancholy bell tolls in the background.)

Cilla: The end!

All: Yay!

Cilla: Don’t be too sad, guys. I’ll think up something new for you to do before you know it!

All: (scream and run away)