CATS: *gulp*

ACT 2

(Act 2 begins right after the Embassy Ball. The servants are half-asleep, waiting to find out what happens. Suddenly there are voices...Higgins and Deutering enter, laughing, and then comes a very tired and angry Eliza.)

MATT: Uh, guys, where in the script does it say "Higgins and Deutering are high-fiving each other, chest thumping, and pouring bottles of Gatorade on each other"?

OLD D: We just wanted to keep the readers' attention! Act 1 really dragged out!

TUMBLE: You should talk, Old D. Need I remind you of your narrations?

JELLY: TUMBLEBRUTUS! Respect your elders!

MATT: May we continue, please? I'm a bit anxious to move on to "The Pajama Game".

MUNKU: Well, excuse us for trying to modernize the production!

(The cats get back into character.)

OLD D: Higgins, it was an immense achievement.

MUNKU: A silly notion. If I hadn't backed myself to do it, I should have chucked the whole thing up two months ago.

JENNY: The way queens are portrayed in this play makes me want to upchuck right now.

(Back on stage...)

OLD D: Absolutely fantastic.

MUNKU: A lot of tomfoolery.

OLD D: Higgins, I salute you.

MUNKU: Nonsense, the silly cats don't know their own silly business.

OLD D: (sings) Tonight, old tom, you did it, you did it, you did it!

You said that you would do it, and indeed you did!

I thought that you would rue it, I doubted you'd do it,

But now I must admit it that succeed you did!

You should get a medal or be even made a knight!

MUNKU: It was nothing. Really nothing!

OLD D: All alone you hurdled every obstacle in sight!

MUNKU: Now wait, now wait, give credit where it's due,

(turns to Eliza) A lot of the glory goes to you!

(Eliza hisses, and stands still as before.)

OLD D: But you're the one who did it, who did it, who did it!

As sturdy as Gibraltar, not a second did you falter,

There's no doubt about it, YOU DID IT!

I must have aged a year tonight, at times I thought I'd die of fright.

Never was there a momentary lull.

MUNKU: Shortly after we came in, I saw at once we'd easily win,

And after that, I found it deadly dull!

POUNCE: Like this play?

OLD D: You should have heard the ooh's and ah's, everyone wondering who she was!

MUNKU: You'd think they'd never seen a lady before.

OLD D: And when the Prince of Transylvania asked to meet her,

And gave his arm to lead her to the floor...

(to Higgins)

I....said to him "You did it, you did it, you did it!"

They thought she was ecstatic and so darned aristocratic

And they never knew that yooooooooou...

DID IT!

(Eliza is still VERY angry that no one's given her enough credit.)

MUNKU: Thank heavens for Mistoltan Karpathy. If it weren't for him I would have died of boredom.

CORI: Some of us already have. Figuratively, of course.

MATT: Sarcasm detected and not appreciated, Coricopat.

GRIZ: Karpathy? That dreadful Hungarian? Was he there?

MUNKU: Yes.

That blackguard who uses the science of speech more to blackmail and swindle than teach,

He made it the devilish business of his, "to find out who this Miss Doorumple is".

Every time we looked around, there he was, that hairy hound from Budapest!

MISTO: HEY! I resent that! I'm a cat, see? Not a dog! I'm too coordinated to be a dog!

MUNKU: (continues, slightly irked at Misto for breaking his momentum)

Never leaving us alone, never have I ever known a ruder pest!

Finally I decided it was foolish not to let him have his chance with her,

So I stepped aside and let him dance with her!

Oozing charm from every pore, he oiled his way around the floor.

Every trick that he could play, he used to strip her mask away.

And when at last, the dance was done, he glowed as if he knew he'd won,

And with a voice too eager, and a smile too broad,

He announced to the hostess that she was a fraud!

GRIZ: NO!

MUNKU: Ja wohl!

Her English is TOO good, he said, which clearly indicates that she is foreign.

Whereas others are instructed in their native language, English kittens aren't.

And although she may have studied with an expert dialectician and grammarian,

I...can...tell...that...she...was...born...HUNGARIAN!!!

Not only Hungarian, but of royal blood. She is a PRINCESS!

I know each language on the map, said he,

And she's Hungarian as the first Hungarian rhapsody!!!

JULIE: I don't see those last two lines in the script!

MATT: They're from the movie. If these cats can insert smart cracks at will, there's no harm in my incorporating those two lines.

(Back on stage, the servants are congratulating Higgins and Deutering, who are still having a jolly old time.)

SERVANTS: Bravo, bravo, bravo!!!!

Congratulations, Professor Higgins, for your glorious victory!

Congratulations, Professor Higgins, you'll be mentioned in history!

(Anyway, they keep singing their congratulations in a round, which of course is hard to transfer into text...but after the song...)

MUNKU: All I can say is, thank the Everlasting Cat it's all over...

POUNCE: It's over?! The play's over?! YES!

CARB: Not the play, Pouncival.

POUNCE: Darn.

(On stage, Munkustrap knows the play's not over, and continues his line, ignoring Pouncival's smart crack.)

MUNKU: ...Now I can go to bed at last without dreading tomorrow.

GRIZ: Good night, Mr. Higgins.

(The servants all hit the sack.)

OLD D: I think I shall turn in too. It's been a great occasion. Good night, Higgins. (He, too, heads off to bed...hey, it's late for the guy, a cat his age should be in bed at 9 PM!)

MUNKU: Good night, Deutering. Oh, Mrs. Griz! (she's gone) Oh drat. I meant to tell her I wanted coffee in the morning instead of tea. Leave a little note for her, Eliza, will you? (looks around) What the devil have I done with my slippers?

(This is too much for Eliza. Her emotions get the better of her, she grabs his slippers and throws them at Higgins. One hits him directly in the eye.)

JENNY: You go! Direct hit!

MUNKU: (breaking character) OWWWW! WATCH IT!

MATT: Yeah, we'll need him in one piece for the next parody!

MUNKU: (scowls) Glad to see you're thinking ahead...(takes some ice and puts it on his eye)

RUMPLE: (still in character) THERE ARE YOUR SLIPPERS! AND THERE! Take your slippers, and may you never have a day's luck with them!

MUNKU: What on earth...??? What's the matter? Is anything wrong?

RUMPLE: Nothing wrong--with YOU! I've won your bet for you, haven't I? That's enough for you. I don't matter, I suppose?

(Well, this love-fest goes on for quite some time. Basically Eliza is hurt that she was used by Higgins, and Higgins doesn't understand why, so he calls her a heartless guttersnipe...whatever THAT is. Eliza, unsure of where she'll go now, decides to leave Higgins' house...where Freddy Tugsford-Hill is still keeping vigil on the doorstep.)

JEMI: That is so sweet, staying out there by the doorstep so he can get a glimpse of the queen he loves!

DEM: You call it sweet, I call it grounds for a restraining order.

POUNCE: I don't think they had restraining orders in those days. Back then it was considered romantic.

DEM: Well, I consider it weird!

TUGGER: (sings a reprise, with his tomhood still on the line, with a lot of conviction)

Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?

Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?

Does enchantment pour out of every door?

No, it's just on the street where you live!

And oh, the towering feeling

Just to know somehow you are near!

The overpowering feeling

That any second you may suddenly appear...

(Eliza comes out of the house, with a suitcase.)

TUGGER: Darling!

RUMPLE: What are you doing here?!

TUGGER: Nothing, I spend most of my time here. Oh, don't laugh at me, Miss Doorumple, but this is the only place...

RUMPLE: Freddy, you don't think I'm a heartless guttersnipe, do you?

TUGGER: Oh, no, darling. How could you imagine such a thing? You know how I feel. I've written you two and three times a day telling you! Sheets and sheets...(breaks into song again)

Speak and the world is full of singing, and I'm winging higher than the birds!

Touch and my heart begins to crumble, the heavens tumble, darling, and I'm...

JENNY: Don't believe any of that claptrap, especially from Tugger!

RUMPLE: (sings) WORDS, WORDS, WORDS! I'm so sick of words!

I get words all day through, first from him, now from you!

Is that all you blighters can do?

Don't talk of stars burning above,

If you're in love, show me!

Tell me no dreams filled with desire,

If you're on fire, show me!

(Freddy tries, but Eliza pushes him down to the ground.)

TUGGER: Oh yeah!

MATT: Tugger, I don't think turn-of-the-20th-century Englishmen said "Oh yeah!".

TUGGER: Well, excuse me for putting a bit of myself in each character I play!

RUMPLE: (keeps singing)

Here we are together in the middle of the night!

Don't talk of spring, just hold me tight!

Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you that

this is no time for a chat!

MUNGO: It's a roight good thing she's aownly actin'.

RUMPLE: Haven't your lips longed for my touch?

Don't say how much, show me, show me!

Don't talk of love lasting through time,

Make me no undying vow,

Show me now!

JULIE: Uh, you do know Rumple hits another high note in this song, right?

MISTO: NO! NO MORE! THAT'S IT! I've fixed enough things during this play! If she breaks any more glass, FIX IT YOURSELF!

CORI: And the award for Best Speech of Resignation by an Overworked Techie goes to--Mistoffelees!

MISTO: Wise guy.

RUMPLE: (still singing her heart out) Sing me no song, read me no rhyme,

Don't waste my time, show me!

Don't talk of June, don't talk of fall, don't talk at all, show me!

Never do I ever want to hear another word, there isn't one I haven't heard.

Here we are together in what ought to be a dream,

Say one more word and I'll SCREAM!

Haven't your arms hungered for mine?

Please don't expl'ine, show me! Show me!

MUNGO: Oi think we're gettin' er back!

RUMPLE: Don't wait until wrinkles and lines pop out all over my brow!

SHOOOOOOWWWW ME NOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!

(Bustopher's repaired monocle, and another window break, and another human voice is heard in a nearby house..."SHUT UP YOU STUPID CAT, IT'S LATE AND I GOTTA GO TO WORK EARLY TOMORROW!"...and then a shoe comes flying from a nearby house's window...hitting Bustopher Jones in the head.)

BUSTOPHER: OW! Well, I never!

TUGGER: (sings) Was there ever a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Misto...(Juliet puts her paw over his mouth, clamping it shut)

MATT: Uh, we have to finish the scene...

(And so we do, when Eliza whacks Freddy in the head with her suitcase.)

JENNY: Sock it to 'em, Rumpleteazer!

TUGGER: (breaks character) Owwww...what a gal! Love hurts baby! (gets back into character) Darling...Darling...!!! (stumbles, as the suitcase shot was a rather hard one...but he's not hurt too badly this time.)

(Eliza returns to her roots at Covent Garden. She is walking around, observing the street cats she used to spend her days with, when all of a sudden, there is a loud commotion coming from the pub.)

SKIMBLE: ...And we'll give you two guesses as to who's causing it, and the first one doesn't count.

(Mungoharry enters.)

MUNGO: Well, good noight to you. (calls into the pub) Toime to gaow, Gussie!

(Gusfred Doorumple emerges, wearing a tuxedo, top hat, and dress shoes.)

GEORGE: Do come again, Mr. Doorumple. We value your patronage always.

GUS: (who's had a few too many, but he goes on perfectly, since he's the Richard Burton of cats) Thaink you, my good tom. (tips George) 'ere, take the missus on a trip to Brighton.

GEORGE: Thank you, Mr. Doorumple! (goes back into the pub)

RUMPLE: Father?!

GUS: Y'see, Mungo'arry, 'e 'as naow mercy. Sent 'er down to spoiy on me in me misery, 'e did. Me aown flesh n' blood. Well, Oi'm miserable, all roight, ya can tell 'im that straiyght.

RUMPLE: What are you talking about? What are you dressed up for?

GUS: As if ya didn't knaow! Gaow on back to tha' Wimpole Street devil and tell 'im what 'e done to me.

RUMPLE: What has he done to you?

(Since I want to move on to the next parody, I'll make this short and sweet...Higgins sent Ezra Meowlingford the letter saying Gusfred P. Doorumple was the most original moralist in England. Meowlingford died and left Gusfred four thousand pounds a year in the will... so now Gusfred's girlfriend wants to marry him...which to "settled old bachelors" is worse than death...so anyway, Eliza wishes him well, and Freddy meets up with her and the two of them go off. But Gusfred gets one more really cool song...so how could I not include it?)

POUNCE: Come along, Gussie.

GUS: 'Ow much toime do Oi 'ave left?

POUNCE AND MUNGO: There's just a few more hours

That's all the toime you've got

A few more hourse

Before they tie the knot...

GUS: There're drinks n' queens all aowver London, an' Oi 'ave to track 'em down in just a few more hours!

(sings)

Oi'm gettin' married in the morning!

Ding dong, the bells are gonna choime!

Pull out the stopper, let's 'ave a whopper,

BUT GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TOIME!

(he makes his way back into the pub, and climbs on the bar)

Oi gotta be there in the mornin'

Spruced up and lookin' in me proime!

Queens, come an' kiss me,

(The barmaid--Bombalurina--smooches him)

Shaow 'ow you'll miss me

BUT GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TOIME!

If I am dancin', raowll up the floor.

If I am whistlin', whewt me ou' the door!

For Oi'm gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong, the bells are gonna choime!

Kick up a rumpus, but don't lose the compass,

An' get me to the church, get me to the church,

FOR THE EVERLASTIN' CAT'S SAKE, GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TOIME!!!!

GUS and EVERYONE: Oi'm gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong, the bells are gonna choime!

GUS: Drug me or jail me,

Stamp me and mail me,

ALL: BUT GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TOIME!

Oi gotta be there in the mornin'

Spruced up an' lookin' in me proime!

GUS: Some bloke who's able

Lift up the table

ALL: AND GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TOIME!

GUS: If Oi am floiyin', then shoot me down.

If I am wooin', get 'er outta town!

ALL: For Oi'm gettin' married in the morning!

Ding dong, the bells are gonna choime!

GUS: Feather an' tar me,

Call ou' the Army

But get me to the church...

ALL: Get me to the church...

GUS: FOR THE EVERLASTIN' CAT'S SAKE, GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TOIME!

(The cats launch into a street dance, in which Gusfred tap-dances on the bar, not to mention pours back the spirits as fast as George can serve them. The dance ends, and Gusfred is now VERY wasted, both in character and in real life, because the cats still ignore my request NOT to use alcoholic beverages for these things.)

JELLY: Come now. When was the last time a cat did ANYTHING it was asked?

(Mungo leads the final chorus.)

ALL: Starlight is reelin' 'aowme to bed now.

Mornin' is smearin' up the skoiy.

London is wakin'

Daylight is breakin'

Good luck, ol' chum

Good 'ealth, goodbye.

(Gusfred drunkenly and solemnly shakes hands with everyone...)

Oi'm gettin' married in the mornin'

Ding dong, the bells are gonna choime,

Hail an' salute me,

Then 'aul off an' boot me

An' get me to the church...

Get me to the church...

FOR THE EVERLASTIN' CAT'S SAKE, GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TOIME!!!

(Gusfred is lifted high in the air and is carried off to the wedding, but not before he passes out from all the alcohol he has been drinking.)

JULIE: Sheesh, it should be more like "Get Me To AA On Time"!

MATT: No kidding!

(So anyway, the next scene takes place at Higgins' house, where Higgins and Deutering are quite aghast at Eliza's departure. They call the police cats to find her and bring her back, but they're no help, so Col. Deutering decides to call a friend of his at his Home Office. Since it takes forever to get in touch, Higgins approaches Deutering and...)

MUNKU: Let me guess, sings, right?

MATT: You got it.

MUNKU: (sighs with exasperation, yet breaks into song once again)

What in all of Heavyside could have prompted her to go after such a triumph at the ball?

What could have depressed her? What could have possessed her?

I cannot understand the wretch at all!

(Deutering has called the Home Office and is still trying to get through.)

MUNKU: (continues) Queens are irrational, that's all there is to that!

Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!

They're nothing but exasperating, irritating, vascillating, calculating, agitating, maddening and infuriating hags!!!

JENNY: Munkustrap's lucky he's only acting. Otherwise he'd be doing whatever parodies we do next singing soprano!

(Back on stage...)

OLD D: (into phone) Brewster Rumpusin, please...Yes, I'll wait...

MUNKU: Deutering, why can't a queen be more like a tom?

(Deutering looks at Higgins like he's lost his mind.)

MUNKU: (continues) Why can't a queen be more like a tom?

Toms are so honest, so thoroughly square.

Eternally noble, historically fair.

Who when you win will always give your back a pat.

Why can't a queen be like that?

Why does everyone do what the others do?

Can't a queen learn to use her head?

Why do they do everything their mothers do?

Why don't they grow up like their fathers instead?

Why can't a queen take after a tom?

Toms are so pleasant, so easy to please,

Whenever you're with them, you're always at ease.

JENNY: PUH-LEASE!

MUNKU: *glares at Jenny, and continues*

Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?

OLD D: Of course not.

MUNKU: Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?

OLD D: Nonsense.

MUNKU: Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?

OLD D: Never.

MUNKU: Why can't a queen be like you?

One tom in a million may shout a bit,

Now and then there's one with slight defects.

JENNY: ONE?! JUST ONE?!!! Try a whole bunch!

JULIE: Right on, sister!

MUNKU: (going on, undaunted) One perhaps whose truthfulness you doubt a bit,

But by and large we are a marvelous sex!

JENNY: Don't flatter yourself.

MUNKU: Why can't a queen behave like a tom?

Toms are so friendly, good-natured and kind.

A better companion you never will find.

If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?

OLD D: Of course not.

MUNKU: If I forgot your silly birthday would you fuss?

OLD D: Nonsense.

MUNKU: Would you complain if I took out another fellow?

OLD D: Never!

MUNKU: Why can't a queen be like us?

(After this verse, someone's picked up on the other end of the phone Deutering was on.)

OLD D: Hello, is Brewster Rumpusin there, please?... Boozy?

GUS: You called?

OLD D: NOT YOU, GUS! (back into character) Boozy? You'll never guess who this is!...Yes, it is. By George, what a memory! How are you, old fellow? It's so good to hear your voice again...thirty years? Is it really? Yes...oceans of water...yes...Boozy, old chap, I'll tell you why I called. Something rather unpleasant has happened at this end. Could I come right over and see you? Oh, good. I'll be right there. Thank you, Boozy! (Mrs. Griz approaches with coffee as Deutering hangs up) I'm going over to the Home Office, Mrs. Griz.

GRIZ: I do hope you find her, Col. Deutering. Mr. Higgins will miss her.

OLD D: Mr. Higgins will miss her?! Blast Mr. Higgins, I'll miss her!

(he takes off as Higgins re-enters)

MUNKU: Deutering! Deutering! Where's the Colonel?

GRIZ: He's gone to the Home Office, sir.

MUNKU: Ah! You see, Mrs. Griz? I'm disturbed...

OTHER CATS: No comment.

MUNKU: ...and he runs to help. Now there's a good fellow. Mrs. Griz, you're a woman...

Why can't a queen be more like a tom?

Toms are so decent, such regular chaps.

Ready to help you through any mishaps.

Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.

Why can't a queen be more like a chum?

(Jennyanydots whispers something into Juliet's ear. She smiles and nods her head in agreement.)

MUNKU: Why is thinking something queens never do?

Why is logic never even tried?

Straightening up their fur is all they ever do,

Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?

Why can't a queen be more like a tom?

If I were a queen who'd been to a ball

Been hailed as a princess by one and by all

Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing

And carry on as if my home were in a tree?

Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?

Why can't a queen be like me?!

(He grabs his hat and starts off...but Juliet suddenly charges the stage after him, top speed, fed up by all the anti-feminist drivel and spurred by Jennyanydots to give chase. She chases Munkustrap backstage, in a circle, back on to the stage, where Jennyanydots and Rumple, in the next scene, are ready to go on. Out of breath and with an appetite built up from his little exercise, Munkustrap eats the only thing he could find near the stage, a leftover can of olives Bustopher Jones hadn't eaten yet.)

(We're in the conservatory of Mrs. Higgins' house. Eliza and Mrs. Higgins are having tea, and Eliza has just remarked to Mrs. Higgins about how she was not validated after her behavior at the ball...)

JENNY: That's simply appalling. I should not have thrown the slippers at him, I should have neutered him.

BACKSTAGE TOMS: OUCH!

MATT: Where is that in the script?! The line is "I should have thrown the fire irons!"

MUNKU: (off-stage) Mother! Mother!

JENNY: I thought it wouldn't be long. Stay where you are, my dear.

MUNKU: Mother, where the devil are you?!

JENNY: Remember, last night you not only danced with a prince, but you behaved like a princess.

(Higgins enters the room...)

MUNKU: Mother, the darndest...(he sees Eliza, and freaks out.) YOU!

RUMPLE: (very calmly) How DO you do, Professor Higgins? Are you quite well?

MUNKU: (in disbelief) Am I...!!!

RUMPLE: But of course you are. You are never ill. Would you care for some tea?

MUNKU: Don't you dare try that game on me! I taught it to you! Get up and come home and...(his face suddenly turns pale and he clutches his stomach)oooohhh...(gets back into character)...don't be a fool! You've caused me enough trouble for one morning!

MATT: Munkustrap, what's wrong?

MUNKU: (breaks character) Ooooh, indigestion. I should never have eaten that whole can of olives.

BUSTOPHER: Now you see why I left it!

MUNKU: I can still go on...(gets back into character)

JENNY: Very nicely put indeed, Hairball. No queen could resist such an invitation.

MUNKU: How did this baggage get here in the first place?

JENNY: Eliza came to see me, and I was delighted to have her. And if you don't promise to behave yourself, I shall have to ask you to leave.

JULIE: You tell him, Jen!

VICKY: Yeah! QUEEN POWER!

MUNKU: You mean I'm to...oooohhh...put on my Sunday manners for this...ooohhh...(clutches stomach)...thing I created out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent Garden?

JENNY: Yes, dear, that is precisely what I mean.

MUNKU: I'll see her...uh...condemned first! (he walks to the rear of the conservatory, and paces back and forth. His stomach problems subside as he lets out a rather large fart as he paces.)

BACKSTAGE CATS: (trying to suppress their laughter)

JELLY: Now really! Act your ages!

JENNY: (to Eliza) How did you ever learn manners with my son around?

RUMPLE: It was very difficult. I should never have known how queens and gentletoms behave if it hadn't been for Col. Deutering. He always showed me that he felt and thought about me as if I were something better than a common flower kitty. You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up, the difference between a queen and a flower kitty is not how she behaves, but how she is treated. I shall always be a flower kitty to Professor Higgins because he always treats me as a flower kitty and always will. But I know that I shall always be a queen to Col. Deutering, because he always treats me as a queen, and always will.

(Higgins has heard all this. A grinding sound is heard...)

JENNY: Hairball, don't grind your teeth.

(Another guest comes to call, and Mrs. Higgins tends to him...leaving Higgins and Eliza alone.)

MUNKU: Well, Eliza, you've had a bit of your own back, as you call it. Have you had enough? And are you going to be reasonable? Or do you want any more?

RUMPLE: You want me back only to pick up your slippers and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.

MUNKU: I haven't said I wanted you back at all.

RUMPLE: Oh, indeed. Then what are we talking about?

MUNKU: About you, not about me. If you come back, I shall treat you just as I have always treated you. I can't change my nature, and I don't intend to change my manners. My manners are exactly the same as Col. Deutering's.

(On that last line, the backstage cats can't contain it any longer. Still getting a charge out of the loud fart that Munkustrap let out earlier, they start to roar with laughter.)

MATT: Don't take it so personally, Munkustrap. The same thing happened to Rex Harrison when he played Higgins.

MUNKU: And I just so happened to be the unfortunate victim of history repeating itself.

POUNCE: Hey Munkustrap! Your performance of Higgins is a real stinker! (laughs hysterically)

MUNKU: That kitten deserves a kick in the tail! (hisses)

JENNY: HA! Don't be so hard on the little guy! After that anti-feminist claptrap you were spouting out earlier, YOU DESERVED IT! The Everlasting Cat's on OUR side, baby!

(Juliet and Jennyanydots high-five.)

RUMPLE: May we please get this over with? (back into character) That's not true. He treats a flower kitty as if she was a duchess.

MUNKU: And I treat a duchess as if she was a flower kitty.

(So anyway, Higgins tries to get Eliza back but to no avail, she tells him she's going to marry Freddy Tugsford-Hill and that she'll get a job teaching phonetics...and she also tells Higgins where he can stick his words...much to the delight of Mrs. Higgins.)

(So Higgins stomps back to his house, in a fit of rage.)

MUNKU: Darn! Darn! Darn! Darn! (he then realizes he's in love)

I've grown accustomed to her face!

(and the music kicks in...and he sings)

She always makes the day begin,

I've grown accustomed to the tune she whistles night and noon,

Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs

Are second nature to me now,

Like breathing out and breathing in.

I was serenely independent and content before we met,

Surely I could always be that way again, and yet...

I've grown accustomed to her looks,

Accustomed to her voice,

Accustomed to her face.

(he then thinks about what Eliza told him at his mother's...)

Marry Freddy! What an infantile idea! What a heartless, wicked, brainless thing to do! But she'll regret it, she'll regret it! It's doomed before they even take the vow...

LEC: He's got a point.

CET: This IS the Tugger we're talking about here.

TUGGER: Hey, I think there's been enough tom-bashing in this parody!

MUNKU: (sings again) I can see her now,

Mrs. Freddy Tugsford-Hill,

In a wretched little flat above a store.

I can see her now,

Not a penny in the till

And a bill collector beating at the door.

She'll try to teach the things I taught her,

And end up selling flowers instead.

Begging for her bread and water

While her husband has his breakfast in bed!

In a year or so, when she's prematurely gray

And the blossoms in her cheek have turned to chalk,

She'll come home and lo, he'll have upped and run away

With a social climbing heiress from New York!

Poor Eliza!

How simply frightful!

How humiliating!

How delightful!

How poignant it will be on that inevitable night when she hammers on my door in tears and rags. Miserable and lonely, repentant and contrite. Will I let her in or hurl her to the Pollicles? Give her kindness, or the treatment she deserves? Will I take her back, or throw the baggage out?

I'm a most forgiving tom,

The sort who never could, ever would

Take a position and staunchly never budge

Just a most forgiving tom.

JEMI: Uh, I've been following the play for a change. Yeah right.

MUNKU: BUT...I shall never take her back,

If she were crawling on her knees!

Let her promise to atone, let her shiver, let her moan,

I WILL SLAM THE DOOR AND LET THE HELL-CAT FREEZE!

VICKY: And that last line suits us well.

JELLY: Uh, Munkustrap, there are kittens here. Couldn't we say "heck" instead?

POUNCE: It's not like we haven't heard those words before.

MUNKU: (still in character)

Marry Freddy. HA!

But I'm so used to hear her say "Good Morning" every day.

Her joys, her woes, her highs, her lows

Are second nature to me now

Like breathing out and breathing in.

I'm very grateful she's a queen

And she's so easy to forget

Rather like a habit one can always break, and yet...

I've grown accustomed to the trace of something in the air,

Accustomed to her face.

(Depression sets in for Higgins, and he turns on a machine with a recording of Eliza's voice on it, and he sits and listens.)

BACKSTAGE QUEENS: (start to cry)

JEMI: Poor Higgins!

VICKY: You really don't know what you have until it's *sniff* gone!

(Eliza walks in, unbeknownst to Higgins.)

RUMPLE: I washed me faice an' hands before I come, Oi did.

(Higgins realizes she's back. He leans back into his chair and pushes his hat over his face.)

MUNKU: Eliza? Where the devil are my slippers?

(Eliza smiles and understands he's glad to have her back, as the curtain falls.)

(Mistoffelees mumbles a few magic words, staring at Rumpleteazer all the while.)

RUMPLE: WHEW! Ah do declaiah, it's wonderful to be mah-self again!

MATT: Uh, Mistoffelees, that's not how she talked before. Now she sounds like a Southern Belle!

MISTO: Oops!

MUNGO: Eh, it's roight close enough.

MUNKU: What kind of an ending was that? No big finale? No closing number?

TUGGER: It's an ending, Munkustrap. Just be grateful that it happened.

SKIMBLE: Uh, what are Matt and Juliet doing?

(Matt and Juliet are seen putting up the sets for the next parody, humming "Steam Heat" from "The Pajama Game".)

GRIZ: Don't get upset, it could always be worse.

POUNCE: How so?

GRIZ: We could have to hear Barbra Streisand sing "Memory" again.

*THE END*

You are Free to Go...