MATT: OK guys, ready to do the second act?

GEORGE: WHY?! Given that our Krahalome is a bit on the injured side, I'd think you would abort the mission!

MATT: George, buddy, pal. Haven't you heard of the phrase "the show must go on"? Besides, Munkustrap's fine, we just had to bandage him up.

TUMBLE: You must admit, though, he had guts talking on his cell phone while Griz was singing.

POUNCE: I'll say! He almost got to see them in his lap!

MUNKU: It's so nice to know that my injury evokes such sympathy from you two.

(So anyway, Act 2 begins and the King's wives are having a hard time adjusting to their new hoop skirts. Lady Grizang enters, and she's giving the wives a few last-minute instructions on how to wear their outfits. However, soon after, the wives begin to gripe...)

BOMBALURINA: Lady Grizang, why must we dress like this for British?

GRIZ: Whatever Mrs. Anna want us to do is wise and good, but this...is a puzzlement!

(sings)

To prove we're not barbarians,

They dress us up like savages!

To prove we're not barbarians

We wear a funny skirt!

OTHER WIVES: To prove we're not barbarians,

They dress us up like savages!

To prove we're not barbarians

We wear a funny skirt!

GRIZ: Western kitties funny,

Western kitties funny,

Western kitties funny,

Of that there is no doubt!

They feel so sentimental

About the Oriental...

JEMI: Uh, Matt, isn't the politically correct term "Asian-American"?

MATT: It is, but you forget, this play is older than...well...

OLD D: Say it and I use you as a landing pad for my tire.

GRIZ: They always try to turn us

Inside down and upside out!

OTHER WIVES: Upside out and inside down!

GRIZ: To bruise and pinch our little claws

Our paws are cramped in leather shoes...

They'd break if we had brittle claws,

But now they only hurt!

OTHER WIVES: To bruise and pinch our little claws

Our paws are cramped in leather shoes...

They'd break if we had brittle claws,

But now they only hurt!

Western kitties funny,

Western kitties funny,

Western kitties funny,

Too funny to be true!

GRIZ: They think they civilize us

Whenever they advise us

To learn to make the same mistake

That they are making too!

ALL: They think they civilize us

Whenever they advise us

To learn to make the same mistake

That they are making too!

THEY MAKE QUITE A FEW!

(The other cats are rolling around laughing at this song.)

GRIZ: WHY DO YOU ALL LAUGH AT ME?! I AM A STAR!!!!

VICKY: It's not you, Griz, it was the lyrics to that song!

MUNKU: Well, Griz, at least now you know what I went through in "Furball On The Roof", and "Oklahomeow!", and...

MATT: OK, WE GET THE POINT! CAN WE CONTINUE?!?!

(Anna enters...)

JELLY: Lady Grizang, here are the napkins for the dinner. Will you put them on the table?

GRIZ: (takes them) Thank you.

JELLY: Thank you.

GRIZ: No, thank you.

MATT: Er, Griz, you were supposed to leave after Jellylorum thanked you.

GRIZ: I AM A STAR! I must be in every scene...(looks at Matt, and realizes he means business) OH ALL RIGHT! (walks off)

(So to make a long scene short...Anna and the King inspect the wives, and realize the wives have no undergarments when they bow to the King. Another argument ensues between Anna and the King over this...when Phra Alonz enters...)

ALONZO: The English...they are in palace!

(This makes the wives panic.)

DEM: They will eat us!

JELLY: They will do nothing of the kind!

CARB: Don't you find it the least bit odd that they're afraid of the English when MACAVITY is playing the King?

MAC: (to Anna) Herewith shall be list of subjects you shall try to bring up for talk. On such subjects I am very brilliant, and will make great impression. You begin with Moses!

MISTO: Moses supposes his toeses are roses but Moses supposes erroneously...

MATT: WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW! But I will be doing that one later...

TUGGER: Misto, did you have to remind him?!

(So anyway, Anna is giving the last of her instructions when Sir Skimbledward Shanksay enters by mistake. He's wearing a monocle to make him look more British.)

CONTESSA: (points at Sir Skimbledward's monocle) OH! Evil eye, evil eye!

SKIMBLE: Sheesh! Don't scream like that! This monocle is a loaner from Bustopher Jones...if it gets broken, he'll have my head on a platter!

POUNCE: Ah, cannibalism strikes yet again!

(The wives freak out and run away, pulling their hoop skirts over their heads. Sir Skimbledward sees that they have no undergarments and is a bit shocked.)

JELLY: Queens! Queens! Come back! Don't! COme back! Oh, dear! Skimbledward! Oh, Your Majesty, this is dreadful!

MAC: WHY HAVE YOU NOT EDUCATED THESE QUEENS IN ENGLISH CUSTOM OF SPYING GLASS?!

SKIMBLE: Ah, my monocle. Was that what frightened them? Hello, Anna, my dear.

MAC: Who? Who? Who?

JELLY: Your Majesty, may I present Sir Skimbledward Shanksay?

SKIMBLE: (bows) Your Majesty. (turns back to Anna) How are you, Anna?

MAC: I regret, sir, my queens have not given good impression.

SKIMBLE: On the contrary, Your Majesty, I have never received so good an impression in such a short time. You have most attractive pupils, Anna.

(The King's getting a bit jealous at this intimacy...)

JELLY: Tomorrow you must meet my younger pupils, His Majesty's kittens. They are making wonderful progress.

SKIMBLE: I shall be delighted. How many kittens have you, Your Majesty?

MAC: 77 now, but I am not married very long. Next month expecting three more.

OLD D: GIVE ME BACK MY VIAGRA, YOU HOODLUM!

(To make an already long scene short, let's just say there's more banter between the three....and Munkrahalome announces that dinner is about to be served. A waltz is suddenly heard from a nearby room, and Anna and Sir Skimbledward start to dance...and the King sees this and grows increasingly jealous.)

MAC: Dancing...AFTER dinner!

SKIMBLE: Oh, sorry, sir. I'm afraid I started talking over old times.

MAC: It was my impression Mrs. Anna would be of help for seating of guests at dinner table, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

(Tugger clamps his paw over Etcetera's mouth before she can say anything.)

POUNCE: Thank the Everlasting Cat. That joke was getting really old really fast!

SKIMBLE: In that case, we'd better be going in, Anna. (He offers her his paw.)

MAC: (jumping in between them, offering HIS paw) Yes, better be going in, Anna. (They enter, Sir Skimbledward following behind Anna and the King. Anna looks at the paper the King gave her.)

JELLY: His Majesty made an interesting point about Moses the other day when he was reading the Bible. It seems he takes issue with the statement that... (they go to the dining room, as we go to the next scene. Fade to black...)

(The next scene takes place in a courtyard. Casstim is walking across the stage, looking around. She runs into Lady Grizang.)

GRIZ: I have to share a scene with this...this...

MATT: Okee, let's just get on with it, huh?

GRIZ: Princess Casstim, dinner is over. King and his English guests are on way to theater pavilion. Should you not be there to begin your play?

CASS: I came out here to memorize my lines.

GRIZ: I think now, Princess. I have seen you and Lun Tug together. I do not tell King this. For HIS sake. I do not wish to hurt him. But your lover will leave Siam tonight.

CASS: Tonight?

GRIZ: Now go to the theater, Princess.

(Any-hoo, since the Tugger is busy necking with Bombalurina backstage, we'll just summarize the rest of this scene. Basically Lun Tug comes on and he and Casstim plan to run away back to Burma after the play is over. Anna sees them and Casstim bids her farewell. Then comes the actual play, which is more of a visual thing. Basically, it's a scene from "The Small House of Uncle Thomas" or "Uncle Tom's Cabin" in which a slave runs away from her master to be with her lover.. see the symbolism here, kitties?)

CATS: (snoring)

MATT: (grabs a bullhorn and speaks into it) WAKEY WAKEY!!!!!!

TUMBLE: I hate when he does that!

POUNCE: (groans) And that was our Monty Python Reference of the Fic!

(So we are now back at the King's study. Anna, Sir Skimbledward, and the King are all talking, Munkrahalome off in the distance.)

SKIMBLE: The evening was a great success, Your Majesty. I enjoyed Princess Casstim's play immensely!

MAC: This play did not succeed with me! It is immoral for King to drown when pursuing slave who deceive him. Immoral! Immoral! Casstim shall know of my displeasure.

SKIMBLE: Your conversation at dinner was most amusing.

MAC: I was forced to laugh myself, I was so funny!

POUNCE: And we're forced to laugh ourselves...at YOU!

SKIMBLE: Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, will be very glad to know that we have come to such "felicity of agreement" about Siam.

VICKY: Hey, I wasn't even alive back then!

MATT: NOT YOU, VICTORIA...sheesh...

SKIMBLE: I think now, with your permission, I should take my leave. (they shake paws, and Skimbledward bows to Anna) Goodbye, Anna, my dear, it was lovely to see you again.

JELLY: Good-bye, Skimbledward. (under her breath) After the parody, in the car trunk...meet me there.

SKIMBLE: Got you, honey. We'll finish that waltz there.

JELLY: Me-OW!

MATT: Act first, flirt later!

JELLY: (back in character) Well, Your Majesty...

MAC: It is all over. (He puts the cigar he was smoking in a bowl.)

(More dialogue here which I'd rather skip...basically there is good and bad news. The good news is the King is now "over" with the English, who no longer think he is a barbarian. The bad news is he got word of Casstim's escape. The conversation shifts to how women are portrayed in Europe and Siam....and Anna goes into great detail about how young queens meet the toms of their dreams in their first dance...and she sings...)

JELLY: Shall we dance?

On a bright cloud of music shall we fly?

Shall we dance?

Shall we then say good night and mean good bye?

Or perchance

When the last little star has left the sky

Shall we still be together

With our arms around each other

And shall you be my new romance?

That this kind of thing can happen,

Shall we dance? Shall we dance? Shall we dance?

(The King sees this and starts to get into it, and they dance together....it turns out he does have a love jones for Anna, as he has also given her one of his rings. They dance for a while until Munkrahalome comes in...)

MUNKU: Your Majesty... (bows down)

MAC: WHY DO YOU BURST THROUGH MY DOOR WITHOUT WAITING?

MUNKU: We have found Casstim.

MAC: Where is she?

MUNKU: Secret police cats are questioning her.

JELLY: (who is now freaked out over what will happen) Now you have found her, what will you do with her?

MAC: I will do what is usually done in such event.

JELLY: What is that?

MAC: When it happens, you will know.

JULIE: Quick, Jen, the end of the play is coming!

JENNY: Almost ready, dear. (she and Juliet push the catapult closer to the set)

(Casstim runs on, and throws herself at Anna, clinging to her skirt. Two guards--Admetus and Coricopat--and the interpreter--Plato--chase after her and block her from leaving.)

CASS: Mrs. Anna! Mrs. Anna! Do not let them beat me! Do not let them!

(The guards shut her up and drag her away...)

MUNKU: She was found on Chinese sailing ship, the skipper brave and sure. Five passengers set sail that day for three hour tour...

MATT: WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW! THAT'S NOT EVEN A PLAY!

MUNKU: Sorry. See! She wears disguise of priest.

MAC: (to Casstim) WHO GAVE YOU THIS ROBE? Who? Who? Who?

MUNKU: It is believed she was running away with tom who brought her here from Burma.

MAC: Dishonor, dishonor, dishonor!

MUNKU: He was not found on boat.

MAC: (to Casstim) Where is this tom?

CASS: I do not know.

MAC: You will tell us where we will find him! You will tell us!

CASS: I do not know.

MUNKU: It is believed you were lovers with this tom.

CASS: With TUGGER?! GET REAL!

MATT: CASSANDRA!

CASS: Oh all right. I was not lovers with this tom.

MAC: Dishonor. We will soon have truth of this tom.

(Admetus and Coricopat tear the robe off of Casstim, exposing her back. Coricopat unwinds a whip.)

POUNCE: 'Bout time someone did this. Siamese cats need a little reality check!

CASSANDRA'S RELATIVES: HEY!

(Well, basically, the King notices that Anna hasn't left, and can't whip Casstim with her around. He just runs off in shame. AFterwards, Plato talks to Munkrahalome...)

PLATO: The tom...the lover has been found. He is dead.

BOMBALURINA: (from backstage) No he's not, he's alive and kickin'!

PLATO: I meant in the play...those two should get a room! Sheesh!

CASS: Dead...then I shall join him soon...soon... (Admetus and Coricopat drag her off. Munkrahalome then turns to Anna...)

JELLY: I don't understand you--you or your King. I'll never understand him.

MUNKU: YOU! You have destroyed him! You have destroyed King! He cannot be anything that he was before.

VICKY: Actually, Macavity still gets around, despite all the injuries he suffers in these parodies...

MUNKU: You have taken all this away from him. You have destroyed him. You have destroyed King!

JELLY: The next boat that comes to the port of Bangkok, no matter where it goes, I SHALL BE ON IT! (she takes the ring the King gave her) Give this back to His Majesty!

(Munkrahalome takes the ring...and is now really upset.)

MUNKU: I WISH YOU HAVE NEVER COME TO SIAM!

JELLY: So do I! Oh, so do I! (she runs off)

(So the next scene is on the Palace grounds. Captain Guston has entered and is greeted by Phra Alonz.)

ALONZO: Captain Guston! Your ship has arrived in time! We are welcoming elephant prince to Bangkok!

GUS: White elephant, eh? So that's it. I just passed the young prince. Where is the King? I didn't see him in the procession.

ALONZO: The King is ill, very ill.

(The procession now comes across....various cats in Siamese ceremonial costumes, or in other words, leftover "Growltiger's Last Stand" outfits. At the end of the procession is Prince Carbalongkorn. When he reaches the center of the stage, Plato, the interpreter, bows deeply before him.)

PLATO: Your Highness! Go no further, go no further!

CARB: What is this you say?

PLATO: Your father! Your father is worse!

CARB: Worse?

PLATO: You are to return to the palace at once.

CARB: Go on with the procession.

(So the next scene starts. Lady Grizang is in a room in Anna's house, with a few crates. Prince Carbalongkorn enters.)

CARB: Mother! The Prime Minister told me you were here. I think Mrs. Anna and Tumblelouis have already left for the boat!

TUMBLE: And here I thought you guys had forgotten about me. Rats.

GRIZ: No, Carbalongkorn. Some of their boxes are still here. The servant cat said they would be back soon.

CARB: Mother, what is it with my father?

GRIZ: It is his heart. Also, he does not seem to want to live.

CARB: Mother, I am frightened. I am frightened because I love my father, and also because if he dies, I shall be King, and I do not know how to be.

GRIZ: Many toms learn this after they become kings.

CARB: I have been thinking much on things Mrs. Anna used to tell us in classroom, of slavery, etcetera, etcetera...(briefly shoots a glance at Etcetera) NOT YOU...(back in character) and I think also on what she has said of religion, and how it is a good and noble concern that each man find for himself that which is right and that which is wrong.

GRIZ: These are good things to remember, my son, and it will be good to remember the one who taught them.

(Anna and Tumblelouis enter.)

TUMBLE: Carbalongkorn! (they shake paws, and Tumblelouis bows to Lady Grizang.)

JELLY: Lady Grizang! How nice of you to come to say goodbye! I was down at the ship seeing that all my boxes were on. Captain Guston must sail with the tide.

GRIZ: Mrs. Anna, I did not come only to say goodbye. I comoe for one who must see you. You must go to him, Mrs. Anna. When he heard that you were sailing, he started to write this letter. All day he has been writing. It was very difficult for him, madam, very difficult. He has commanded that I bring it to you.

(It doesn't take a rocket scientist to guess who the letter's from. Basically, the King thanks Anna for all of her help...and she realizes that she must go to him as he is dying.)

MAC: Well, at least I die peacefully in this play.

POUNCE: That's what you think...(starts to point to the catapult that Jennyanydots and Juliet have pushed near the stage, but Macavity pays it no mind.)

(Anna, Carbalongkorn, Lady Grizang, and Tumblelouis go down a palace corridor....)

GRIZ: I will see if he is awake. I will tell him you are here. (she and Carbalongkorn leave)

MISTO: Matt, I also hope the people reading this are still awake.

TUMBLE: Mother, I thought you and the King were very angry with each other.

JELLY: We were, Tumblelouis.

TUMBLE: Now he's dying, does that make you better friends?

JELLY: I suppose so, Tumblelouis. We can't hurt each other anymore.

TUMBLE: I didn't know he hurt you.

JELLY: When two cats are as different as we are, they are almost bound to hurt each other.

TUMBLE: He always frightened me.

JELLY: I wish you had known him better, Tumblelouis. You could have been great friends. In some ways he was just as young as you.

TUMBLE: Was he as good a king as he could have been?

JELLY: Tumblelouis, I don't think any tom has ever been as good a king as he could have been...but this one tried. He tried very hard.

TUMBLE: You really like him, don't you, Mother?

JELLY: Yes, Tumblelouis. I like him very much. Very much indeed. (looks offstage) We can go in now.

(We are now at the King's study. The King is on his deathbed...unaware that it's near Jenny and Julie's catapult. Munkrahalome is keeping guard near the bed. Anna comes in and curtseys, then sits near the King's bed.)

MAC: Many months...many months I do not see you, Mrs. Anna. And now I die.

JELLY: Oh no, Your Majesty.

MAC: This is not scientific, Mrs. Anna. I know if I die or do not die.

MISTO: Sheesh, who does he think he is, the Everlasting Cat?

MAC: You are leaving Siam?

(Anna nods)

When?

JELLY: Very soon, Your Majesty. In fact, I can stay only a few minutes more.

MAC: You are glad for this? Cats of Siam...royal kittens, etcetera, are not glad, and all are in great affliction of your departure.

JELLY: I shall miss them.

MAC: You shall miss them, but you shall be leaving. I too am leaving. But I am not walking onto a boat with my own paws, of my own free will. I am just...leaving. (his eyes close again, but he had seen where Anna is sitting) Why is your head above mine? (Tumblelouis removes a book) I am not afraid of that which is happening to me. (he whistles part of "Whistle A Happy Tune") You teach Carbalongkorn. Carbalongkorn teach me..."Make believe you brave". Is good idea, always.

JELLY: You are very brave, Your Majesty. Very brave.

(The King then gives Anna the ring he had previously given her, and she puts it on. Then the royal kittens come in, and they immediately rush to Anna and beg of her not to go.)

GRIZ: Stop! Stop this noise! Did you come to see your father or Mrs. Anna?

POUNCE: Do you want an honest answer?

MAC: It is all right, Lady Grizang. It is suitable. Was it not said to me that someone has written a farewell letter to Mrs. Anna?

GRIZ: Princess Victorialak has composed letter to Mrs. Anna. She cannot write. She only make up words.

MAC: Speak letter now. Say it, say it, say it!

(Princess Victorialak stands up and speaks)

VICKY: Dear friend and teacher: My goodness gracious, do not go away! We are in great need of you! We are like one blind. Do not let us fall down in darkness. Continue good and sincere concern for us, and lead us in right road. Your loving pupil, Princess Victorialak.)

(Anna stands up, and hugs the young kitten. The other kittens beg Anna to stay again, saying they are afraid without her.)

MAC: Hush, kittens. When you are afraid, make believe you brave. (to Anna) You tell them how you do. You tell them. Let it be last thing you teach.

(Anna reprises "Whistle A Happy Tune", and after a while, the twin kittens--Quaxo and Mistoffolees in this case--manage a whistle. This is too much for her, and when Tumblelouis tells her the boat is going to leave, she decides to stay in Siam. The kittens all begin to rejoice.)

MAC: SILENCE! (everyone in the room...the kittens, wives, Lady Grizang...all bow down.)

It is no reason for doing of this demonstration for schoolteacher realizing her duty, for which I pay her exorbitant monthly salary of twenty-five pounds! Further, this is disorganized behavior for bedroom of dying King! Carbalongkorn! Rise!

(Carbalongkorn stands up)

Mrs. Anna, you take notes. (hands her a notebook) You take notes from next King!

(Prince Carbalongkorn is a bit overwhelmed.)

Well, well, well? Suppose you are King! Is there nothing you would do?

CARB: I would end this parody...

MATT: CARBUCKETTY! You're spoiling the moment!

SKIMBLE: (sings) This is the moment...

MATT: (reaches for the Excedrin)

CARB: Oh, all right. (back into character) I...would make proclamations.

MAC: Yes, yes.

CARB: First, I would proclaim for coming New Year, fireworks. Also, boat races.

MAC: Boat races? Why would you have boat races with New Year celebration?

CARB: I like boat races. (his confidence increases) And Father, I would make a second proclamation.

MAC: Well, go on! What is second proclamation? Make it! Make it!

CARB: Regarding custom of bowing to King in fashion of lowly toad. I do not believe this is good thing, causing embarrassing fatigue of body, degrading experience for soul, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. This is bad thing...I believe. YOu are angry with me, my father?

MAC: Why do you ask question? If you are King you are King. You do not ask questions of sick tom..nor of queen! (points at Anna) This proclamation against bowing I believe to be your fault!

JELLY: Oh, I hope so, Your Majesty. I do hope so.

CARB: Up! Rise up!

(only a few cats stand)

MAC: Up! Up! Up! Two lines, like soldiers! (everyone stands up) It has been said there shall be no bowing for showing respect of King. It has been said by one who has been trained for royal government.

(He gets weaker on the last word, and the King's head sinks back as Prince Carbalongkorn becomes more authoritarian.)

JENNY: NOW!

(Jenny and Juliet launch a bowling ball out of the catapult, which connects with Macavity's head. He falls back, dazed, as the orchestra plays "Something Wonderful". Anna and Munkrahalome weep, as they are still in character and know the King has passed on. But don't worry, Macavity fans, he's just acting, as Prince Carbalongkorn begins his reign as the curtain falls.)

MAC: OK, what was up with THAT?

JENNY: Hey, you asked for it, spewing all that anti-feminist claptrap during the play.

MAC: I was only ACTING! Sheesh...that crazy queen...

MUNKU: Hey, Mac, now I know what you go through. (rubs his still sore head)

MAC: Well, it's good to see that you're finally showing some sympathy for me, Munkustrap. Sorry about the time I called you "Monkeycr..."

MUNKU: (cuts him off) Don't sweat it. Let's go to the mini-bar to forget about our injuries with a little bit of scotch.

MAC: After you.

*THE END*