by Veronikitty

BOMB: Ow! Watch the fur!

TANTI: (struggling with a zipper shoved full of fur) Almost done! Hold still. (pulls hard)

BOMB: MRRRROW!!

TANTI: (pushes Bomb onstage and glances down at the clump of fur in her paw) Ooooops.

VERONI: Welcome back...... to the madhouse.

(The scene changes to the living room of the Skimbleson house. The rich kids, played by the ensemble, are sitting around, bored to tears. When Mrs. Skimbleson, (also played by Grizabella) leaves, the "fun" really begins.)

QUEENS: (wave goodbye to Griz) She's GONE!

(They start dancing in pairs of two.... the terminally geeky Noble, unable to locate a partner for some reason. The dance ends when Mrs. Skimbleson returns and Noble proceeds to pin the tail of the donkey on his mommy dearest. As the party continues, she presents him with a set of matching trust funds and a long lecture about blue blooded rich folks.)

ADMETUS: (walks in as Griz leaves once again) There's a strange young queen waiting at the servant's entrance for you, sir.

SKIMBLE: Young queen? What's she look like?

ADMETUS: Vulgar, cheap, white trash---

SKIMBLE: Oooo! That's Belle!

TUGGER: Ooooo! I'll kill Admetus for that one! Lemme at him!

VERONI: I should put him on a leash...

BOMB: (walks in, sporting momma's "nursing" outfit)

SKIMBLE: Belle!

BOMB: Noble!

SKIMBLE: Oh, I'm so glad you came, Belle! Even looking like that....

BOMB: Oh, me too. Gee, you look great Noble.

SKIMBLE: I have to be honest with you, Belle. Mother doesn't want me to see you because she thinks I'm better than you are.

BOMB: But you are.

SKIMBLE: Well, obviously! But I have feelings for you that I could never feel for a nice queen!

TUGGER: (fuming)

BOMB: My momma said she'd love to meet your momma.

GRIZ: Yeah. Right. Only if you can come up with some way of splitting me in two. (eyes Veroni) And that wasn't an invitation.

SKIMBLE: Oh! Well, maybe after they're both dead.

GRIZ: Isn't that what I was SAYING?

SKIMBLE: But there's something I've always wanted to tell you Belle.....

(sings) I love you! As much as I am able

Considering I'm wealthy,

Considering you're poor.

BOMB: (speaks) That's very nice, because....

(sings) I love you!

OTHERS: She loves you! She loves you! She loves you!

SKIMBLE: (walks out to the lip of the stage) I know it!

BOMB: As much as I am able

TUGGER: (sniffles) I thought she loved ME.

VERONI: Leash AND muzzle.

OTHERS: Considering her background.

BOMB: Considering your mother

Considers me a bore.

My passion will endure for you!

SKIMBLE: And I will always love you!

BOMB: My heart, I'll keep secure for you.

SKIMBLE: Though other queens are so far above you!

To show you, I am democratic,

Considering you're riff-raff,

And I am well to do!

(music swells) As Noble,

OTHERS: (sprawled out on the ground, legs spliting in time with the music) Noble! Noble! Noble! Noble!

SKIMBLE: And worthy of the lable!

OTHERS: Lable! Lable! Lable! Lable!

SKIMBLE: As much as I am able.....

BOTH: I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I LOOOOOVE YOOOOOU!

LEXIE: Lookie! Lookie!

VERONI: What?

LEXIE: They LIKE it! We're doing GOOD.

JELLY: I think I may pass out from shock.

GRIZ: (returns) NOBLE! What do you think you're DOING?

SKIMBLE: Oh, nothing mother. Just singing a duet.

GRIZ: (eyes Bomb) What is THAT?

TUGGER: My girlfrie--- mmmmph!

VERONI: (grinning) ACME Muzzles. Never leave home without one.

GRIZ: Get her out at once! Come Jemona! I don't want you contaminated too. (walks out with Jemima skipping behind her)

SKIMBLE: Oh Belle. It's nothing personal. It's just you.

(He explains to her that the only way his mother would ever accept her would be if she managed to get wealth, culture, and social position. Resolved to win Noble, Belle sets out in search of what she needs--- after banging into the butler and falling down the front steps of the house, that is. She returns home, sobbing over her humiliation at the Skimbleson Mansion.)

TUGGER: (slides out onstage, excited to finally get a scene with his girlfriend) Hi Belle!!! I've come to say goodbye.

BOMB: Oh, hello Lucky! Where are you going?

TUGGER: To Chicago! I have a friend there who's opening up a chain of crap games.

JENNY: (bellows from the wings) WATCH YOU LANGUAGE, YOUNG TOM!!

VERONI: I could have sworn we've had this 'crap game' conversation before.

BOMB: That's alright, Lucky. I'm going to be busy for the next few years too. Going out in search of wealth, culture, and social position.

TUGGER: There's my train now! I've gotta go Belle. But remember, whenever you need anything, Lucky Tuglone will be right there!

BOMB: Oh, I'll remember Lucky! Goodbye!

(Tugger doesn't leave the stage)

BOMB: I said GOODBYE.

(Tugger digs in his heels)

LEXIE: (drags him offstage)

TUGGER: I don't want to leave her alone with Skimble out there!! Noooooo!!

VERONI: Hoo boy. I cringe to think about his solo song later....

BOMB: Well, I went out in search of my goals. Wealth, culture and social position. But all I had in my pocket were a few coins I'd picked up off the tracks of the Rock Island Line.

POUNCE: Cash for the merchandise... cash for the button hooks...

PLATO: Whaddyatalk? Whaddyatalk?

VERONI: WRONG SHOW!

BOMB: And then one day my finantial prayers were answered by the rottenest, orneriest, stingiest banker in town--- Skimblus Pinchley.

(Jellylorum and Jennyanydots roll Skimble out in a wheelchair, wearing a white haired wig and clutching a cane, blanket draped over his legs)

JELLY: Good morning Mr. Pinchley! Come on... wakey, wakey...

SKIMBLE: (grunts something)

JENNY: Get those lips moving, Mr. Pinchley! Good morning...

JELLY: What's that he's saying?

SKIMBLE: (mumbles) I wish I were dead.

JELLY: (punches him in the shoulder)

SKIMBLE: (grabs his shoulder in pain and gets into character) G'morrow! G'mornin'! G'mornin'! (in a gravelly voice) I'm up! Everlastin' Cat, what a wonderful day to break Jellicle hearts!

BOMB: Everyone in this town HATES you. DESPISES you. It isn't a pleasant thing, is it, Mr. Pinchley? Not to be loved by anyone or anything, am I right?

SKIMBLE: Oooo! That's a lie! That's a dasterdly lie! NICOMPOOP!!

(Pouncival rushes onstage wearing a frilly shirt and pants buckled at the knee)

TUMBLE: (snickering) At least he comes when he's called. Kinda like a well-trained Pollicle.

POUNCE: (yells from the stage) At least I HAVE a part poo-head!

TUMBLE: Ooooo. Really got me there, Pounce.

POUNCE: You screamed, Father?

SKIMBLE: (trying not to laugh) You love me, don't you?

POUNCE: (blushing in extreme embarrasment) I... I respect my father because he is rich and powerful! (cringes)

SKIMBLE: And what else?

POUNCE: What else is there?

SKIMBLE: Lllll---

POUNCE: Lllll?

SKIMBLE: Lo--

POUNCE: Lo-o-o-o--?

SKIMBLE: LOVE! LOVE, you idiot! Now don't come back until you love me!

BOMB: He didn't even know the meaning of the word!

POUNCE: (offstage) Love. Something I would feel towards Veroni if she would end this parody right here and now.

SKIMBLE: (sniffles) It's true! Nobody likes me! Infront of my house, I have a two and a half inch oak tree. Even on Christmas Eve, the carolers stand outside my window and sing threatening carols!

CHORUS: Pinchley, the Red-Nosed Bas---

VERONI: G-Rated!!

CHORUS: ---Dastard.

VERONI: (shrugs) Guess it's a slight improvement.

BOMB: Oh, Mr. Pinchley, you may be all mean and rotten on the top. But if we looked way, way, way, way, way, way, way----

SKIMBLE: I get the point!

VERONI: (hisses from the wings) Stay in character!

BOMB: --way down, under that hateful heart of yours, I think we'd find the teeniest bit of good in ya.

SKIMBLE: (staring at her... erm, "chest") You think so, dimples?

BOMB: Oh, I know so!

(sings) Somewhere there's a darn nice fella

Deep down inside.

SKIMBLE: (attempting to stick his paw... well, where it shouldn't go) Deep down inside?

BOMB: (pulls away) Deep down in the old sub-cellar.

Somewhere though I think he fell

Asleep down inside

Deep down, dig-a-digga deep down inside!

(pauses) You try it now.

SKIMBLE: Oh gosh, I'm ashamed!

BOMB: Oh, go on!

SKIMBLE: Alright...

(sings) Sometimes I am darn near feline

Deep down inside.

BOMB: Deep down inside?

(he reaches for her again) MR. PINCHLEY!

TUGGER: He keeps that up and I won't be responsible for my actions.

VERONI: (sighs) I'm starting to feel like a broken record here--- It's in the script!

SKIMBLE: (grinning) Deep down where the bass is boomin'!

Sometimes, gotta take that broom and sweep down inside.

BOTH: There's a level that you just can't keep down

Deep down inside!

Deep down inside!

TUMBLE: (singing, backstage) Deep down, where my stomach's churnin'...

LEXIE: Shaddap!

SKIMBLE: Do you think some people would like me?

BOMB: Well, try it and see.

SKIMBLE: (bellows) Nincompoo---- I mean, JUNIOR?!!

POUNCE: (scampers out) Didja call?

SKIMBLE: How about you and me going out and having dinner sometime?

POUNCE: Oooo! DADDY!

SKIMBLE: He called me Daddy!

BOMB: Well, he likes ya.

SKIMBLE: (kicks Pounce away) And I still can't stand him.

ALL BACKSTAGE: Amen to that!

POUNCE: HEY!!!

(sings, through gritted teeth) In even the worst of varmints

You'll find a good deed.

BOMB: Down under the outer garments

Of malice and greed!

BOTH: That little gold streak is shining!

Believe it or not!

That is if you don't mind mining

Till you hit rock bottom!

JEMI: (tapping her toes to the beat) It's like a ho-down!

JENNY: (gasps) YOUNG LADY!

JELLY: Such language!

JEMI: (rolls her eyes) Country? Square dancing?

BOTH: Oh.

JEMI: Adults these days... Pfffft!

(Meanwhile Belle and Mr. Pinchley next turn to the poor kitties of drifters row.)

BOMB: Let's start out by doing something real nice for feline-kind!

SKIMBLE: By gum, I'll do it! (wheels over to the ensemble) Feline-kind!! You know those crawly, dirty, bug-ridden shacks you live in? Well, good news! Next summer I'm building ten MORE of them!

ALL: WHEEEE!

Three cheers for Pinchley, he's true blue!

We knew, eventually, he'd come through!

Cause no cat is a mean old geazer deep down inside

Deep down inside!

CET: Deep down in the geazer freezer!

ALL: Pinchley ain't an all in-feline

Creep down inside

(The backstage cats start to square dance in the wings)

VERONI: Shhhhhhh!!!!!! Not so loud or you're going to knock over the scenery! (they ignore her) GUYS?! Oh no. Not this again. (glances up at the shuddering set) And me at ground zero too. Well, there's only one thing I can do----

ALL: (clapping and stamping to the beat) Slip down, zip down, take a little trip down

Low down, mow down, really good Joe down

Under your heart!

On that shovel, get a real good grip and--

Dig down in, deep down in,

Deep down in---

--Somewhere there's a darn nice fella,

Down in the old sub-cellar,

Somewhere there's a darn nice fella---

(stomping and clapping) INSIDE!

VERONI: (drops one of the black curtains, leaving only Bomb and Skimble infront of it) Whew. Disastor mostly averted.

(A loud CRASH comes from behind the curtain as the set falls down on the cast)

VERONI: ---Now begins the cleanup.

BOMB: Oh, Mr. Pinchley! You're walkin'!

SKIMBLE: And runnin', and skippin', and jumpin', and doin' the two-step! And you did it all, Dimples! (reaches into his pocket) See this?

BOMB: My goodness! It's a gun!

SKIMBLE: Smart queen. I bought it as a present. I was gonna shoot myself for my birthday! But I don't need this gun no more dippy-doo, because I have YOU now. (places the gun in his breast pocket)

BOMB: Oh Mr. Pinchley! Oh let me give you a BIG HUG!

(They embrace and the gun goes off in his pocket)

SKIMBLE: (drops to the ground) A handshake probably would have been just as good.

CATS: (moaning in various pitches)

VERONI: Tried to warn you.

VICKY: Oooo. My spine---

JEMI: At least we now know you have one.

VICKY: If I could get up, I'd smack you silly.

VERONI: Quick cleanup and we'll get right back at it. Remember, guys, there's a paying audience out there.