(Act 2 begins as the Queens' Auxiliary Committee is practicing in the local gym for their performance at the upcoming Ice Cream Sociable. Marian is at the player piano as the queens circle around with books balanced on their heads... Jellalie is calling out the orders, as the backstage toms are laughing their heads off.)

JELLY: DO YOU MIND?!

TUMBLE: I'm sorry, *HA*, Jellylorum, it's just you all look so funny!

JELLY: I do recall a certain kitty wearing a sailor suit for "Anything Meows"...

TUMBLE: *gulp* Sorry, ma'am.

JELLY: That's BETTER!(gets into character, barking out the orders to the rest of the Queens' Auxialiary Committee...)

Lovely, queens, lovely. Now turn. Take the body with you. Lovely. Now let's have a try at our Grecian Urns. One Grecian Urn....Two Grecian Urns...and a fountain....trickle, trickle, trickle....

TUMBLE: AAAHHH! Stop...'scuse me, I gotta go to the cat box real quick. Why did I drink all that Surge during the break?

MATT: Hurry back, you're going to be on soon!

JELLY: (continuing) Splendid, queens. I predict that our Del Srte display will be the highlight of the Ice Cream Sociable...

VICKY: But can they do THIS?! (lifts her leg parallel to her body again)

JELLY: Now gentletoms, if you're ready.

(The school board toms take the stage, dressed in Native American gear. Why, I don't know. The script just says that.)

And queens, remember, don't make me tell you again, always keep your face to the audience. All right, Mr. Dunstrap.

(Munkuwart takes out a pitch pipe and blows it. The queens pantomime appopriately as the school board toms sing this song...)

BUSTOPHER: Uh, Matt, I don't have a solo in this one! The bass guy always gets the short end of the scratching post...

MATT: Fine, fine...(scribbles on the script) You happy?

BUSTOPHER: Yes.

(sings) Bom bom bom

MUNKU: It's you in the sunrise, it's you in my cup

SKIMBLE: It's you all the way into town

ALONZO: It's your sweet "Hello dear" that sets me up

SKIMBLE, MUNKU, ALONZO, AND BUSTOPHER: And it's your "got to go dear" that gets me down

It's you on my pillow in all of my dreams

Till once more the morning breaks through...

(The female kittens are in the wings for the next song, so they don't scream.)

What words could be saner or truer or plainer

Than it's you, it's you

SKIMBLE: Yes it's yoooooouuuu...

SKIMBLE, MUNKU, ALONZO AND BUSTOPHER: Oh yes it's you

(Mistoffus runs on, trying to hold back a group of kittens)

MISTO: Please, kitties, Mrs. Gushinn will have my head!

JELLY: Mr. Rugburn, we are entitled to five more minutes.

MISTO: If YOU think you can hold these kittens back, go ahead!

(breaks character) Translation: I ain't getting trampled!

(The kittens run in, and the female kittens start chasing the school board toms.)

MATT: WHERE IN THE SCRIPT DOES THAT HAPPEN?!

LEC: We can't help it! Their voices are sooooo dreeeeeamy!

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEEE!!!

JULIE: Well, on the plus side, Bustopher Jones hasn't run that fast since...ever!

JENNY: Who knew that's what it would take to get him to exercise?

(Once the female kittens are rounded up, Mistoffus sets up for his big number...)

MATT: Please, Misto, DO NOT goof this up!

MUNGO: Start 'er up, Mr. Rugburn! Waiyt till yeh see the new steps Professor 'ill taught us!

MISTO: All right! What'll it be?

MUNGO: The Shipoopi!

KITTENS AND BACKGROUND CATS: SHIPOOPI!

(The cats form two lines as Misto begins to sing...)

MISTO: Well a queen who'll kiss on the very first date is usually a hussy

And a queen who'll kiss on the second time out is anything but fussy

But a queen who'll wait till the third time around

Head in the clouds, feet on the groud

She's the queen you're glad you found

She's your Shipoopi!

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

TOMS: The queen who's hard to get

MISTO: Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

QUEENS: But you can win her yet

MISTO: Walk her once just to raise the curtain, walk around twice and make for certain

Once more in the flower garden, she'll never get sore if you beg her pardon

ALL: Do re mi fa so la si do si la so fa me re do

MISTO: Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin', get a squeeze back that's fancy cookin'

Once more for a pepper-upper, she'll never get sore on her way to supper

ALL: Do re mi fa so la si do-si-do!

MISTO: Now little ol' Sal was a no-gal as anyone could see

Look at her now, she's a go-gal who only goes for me

Squeeze her once when she isn't lookin', get a squeeze back that's fancy cookin'

Once more for a pepper-upper, she'll never get sore on her way to supper

ALL: Do re mi fa so la si do-si-do!

MISTO: Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

TOMS: The queen who's hard to get

MISTO: Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

QUEENS: But you can win her yet

(Ragtime music plays. Mistoffus takes Ethel Tantomiler and dips her. Mungotommy lifts up Bombazyneeta, and Hairball Hill has entered...)

TUMBLE: Come on, Professor, show us some new steps!

(Hill goes to Marian and dances a one-step with him, turning it into a big finish with all the cats, while Mistoffus leaps in the air, spins about 100 times, and basically recreates the original Mistoffolees solo dance...)

ALL: Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

The queen who's hard to get

Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi

But you can win her yet!

YOU CAN WIN HER YEEEET!

SHIPOOPI!

MISTO: (panting) I'd just like to see Buddy Hackett try to do THAT!

MATT: Come on, Misto, you don't want to send him to the Heavyside Layer, do you?!

(Anyway, they try to start the dance up again, this time featuring Mungotommy and Bombazaneeta...but Mayor Gushinn enters and kills that noise real quick...)

GUS: Take your hands off my daughter!

BOMB: Papa!

MUNGO: Mr. Gushinn, your honor. Your daugher an' Oi are gaowin' steady behoind yer back!

GUS: Why you....

MUNGO: We'd rather do it on front o' yer back but...

GUS: Do WHAT? Never mind!

MUNGO: Bombazaneeta's scared a' ya', but Oi'm not. Oi should think yeh'd 'ite to 'ave your aown daughter scared o' ya, Jeely Kly.

CET: Did anyone else not understand that?

GUS: I'm going to warn you once more. If I ever catch you touching my daughter I'll by Everlasting Cat horsewhip you till the Fell won't have it again!

JELLY: Now George...

GEORGE: WHAT?!

JELLY: NOT YOU!

GUS: Not one poop out'a you madam!

JELLY: I think he means peep.

GUS: YES! And now get out'a this public building!

MUNGO: Oi got as much roight ina public buildin' as anybody!

GUS: RIGHT? How do you get any rigt around here? Aiding and abetting the swindling activities of this spell binding cymbal salesman? (gasps for air) You know what I see written all over you? (takes a deep breath) REFORM SCHOOL! NOW GET OUT...GET OUT YOU WILD CAT!!!!!

(breaks character) You don't think I overdid it, did you?

MATT: (with his paws in his ears) NOOOOOOO.

BOMB: Papa, please. It's Capulets like you make blood in the market place. Ye Gods!

GUS: You watch your phraseology, young queen. Go home!

JEM: What does "you watch your phraseology" mean?

TUMBLE: Basically, in layman's terms, it means "know your role and shut your mouth".

MATT: NO WWF REFERENCES ALLOWED HERE!

GUS: JELLALIE!

JELLY: Yes, George, I only...

GUS: You tend to your dance.

JELLY: My dance---

(Gushinn points and she exits)

GUS: I'll handle Bombazaneeta. Takin' up with wild cats from the wrong side of town...

DEM: Mr. Mayor, if I could just make you understand...

GUS: Well, ya can't! And by the way, thanks for nothin'. I've read that book you gave me from cover to cover for a whole week now and didn't find a thing!

TUGGER: Mr. Mayor, if you please...

GUS: I'll settle your hash as soon as I get these premises offa my oldest queen...YES!

TUGGER: All right, but in the meantime I want you to know I'm vouching for Mungotommy Djerras. That tom's got the confidence of every kitten in town--you'll be standing in line waiting to shake his paw by the time our band plays its first concert.

GUS: By the time your band plays its first concert, the individual members'll have to foregather in wheelchairs on account of the broken legs they'll get from tripping over their beards! I'll tell you something, my fine young feathered--my feathered young--NEVER MIND! Alonzer, Jacey, Munkuwart, Bustolin! I want this tom's references and I want 'em tonight! Don't let him outta your sight! He's slipperier than a Mississippi sturgeon!

JULIE: Easy on the ears, Gus, they're all I have!

ALONZO: Do you mean you want us to get his credentials?

GUS: Get his papers or get him in jail! Couldn't make myself any clearer if I'se a button hook in the well water! (He leaves, taking Bombazyneeta with him, the school board toms follow them.)

DEM: Professor Hill, I think Mayor Gushinn has behaved abominably and I think it was wonderful of you coming to Mungotommy's defense.

TUGGER: Oh, that was nothing.

DEM: Yes it was.

TUMBLE: No it wasn't.

CARB: Yes it was.

TUMBLE: No it wasn't...

VICKY: Before this gets out of hand...that was our Monty Python Reference of the Fic!

TUGGER: Oh no. A tom can't dodge the issue every time a little personal risk is involved...What does the poet say? The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave man only 500...Unfortunately of course, the Mayor was already pretty mad on account of his billiard parlor. NOW..oh, I suppose a recommendation from a musical authority like yourself would help, but...I couldn't think of asking you to do a thing like that.

DEM: Why Professor Hill...

TUGGER: You would?

DEM: I'd be glad to. I just wish I was a little more informed--I've been wanting to talk to you about Pouncethrop's cornet.

TUGGER: His cornet? Mother-of-pearl keys...

DEM: I'm sure it's fine. But you see, he never touches it. Oh, the first week or so, he made a few, uh, experimantal...blats, I guess you'd say?

TUGGER: Yes...yes, blats.

DEM: And he sings the "Minuet in G" almost constantly...

(Hairball goes to the Queens' Auxiliary Committee and leads them in the "Minuet in G")

DEM: But he never touches the cornet.

TUGGER: Well, you see...

DEM: He says you told him it wasn't necessary.

TUGGER: Well.

DEM: He tells me about some "Think System"...if he THINKS the "Minuet in G" he won't have to bother with notes. Now Professor...

TUGGER: Miss Marian. The Think System is a revolutionary method, I'll admit. So was Galileo's conception of the Heavyside Layer, Columbus' conception of the egg...ah, globe, Bach's conception of the well-tempered Clavichord. Hmmm? Now, I cannot discuss these things in public. When may I call?

DEM: Why any night this week--

(The older queens enter as Hairball takes off. They reprise "Pick-A-Little" which I won't include to save HTML space...so let's follow Hairball Hill to his hotel. The school board toms, now wearing silver stars, are trying to confront him. Since we couldn't afford silver stars, we're using tin foil scraps...)

MATT: Bustopher, why are you licking your tin foil scrap?

BUSTOPHER: There's still a semi-melted Hershey's Kiss on it!

MATT: JUST GET ON WITH THE SCENE...sheesh, that cat is going to eat himself to death!

MUNKU: Sorry, Professor, but we got our orders.

ALONZO: We all been deputized!

TUGGER: Yes, congratulations. Let's see now--you know all week I've tried to give you fellows my references and credentials but every time you seem to get off the subject somehow. Now I have just what you want up in my hotel room, take me a second.

MUNKU: Sorry. 'Fraid I'll have to go with you.

TUGGER: Yes...well, let's see if I have my key...(finds a paper in his pocket) What's this? Oh--a testimonial from the only female bassoon player ever to appear on the Redpath Circuit, Madame Rini. Her stage name, of course. Actually, she was from Moline. Lida Rose Quackenbush.

MUNKU: Could I see just see that for a minute?

JULIE: I love this song coming up. Those four had better not butcher it.

MATT: (puts in earplugs) That's the least of my worries. All those young furballs of estrogen over there (motions to the female kittens) get all excited each time they sing...hmmmm (becomes thoughtful, as visions of marketing the school board toms as a "Tom Band" for teenyboppers enters his mind)...naaaah.

TUGGER: Oh, you'll never forget the name. Lida Rose. Same as the old song. (blows into a pitch pipe and sings)

Lida Rose, I'm home again Rose...

SKIMBLE, MUNKU, ALONZO, AND BUSTOPHER: To get the sun back in my sky

Lida Rose, I'm home again Rose

About a thousand kisses shy

Ding dong ding

I can hear the chapel bell chime

Ding dong ding

At the least suggestion, I'll pop the question

(While they're singing, Mistoffus beckons for Hairball to come with him. They rush off.)

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

CET: I love you, Skimble!!!!!

VICKY: Munkustrap is such a HUNK!

LEC: Oh yeah right! Alonzo's the real dreamboat!

JEMI: Well, Bustopher Jones has such a gorgeous voice...

MATT: Let them finish!

SKIMBLE, MUNKU, ALONZO, AND BUSTOPHER:

Lida Rose, I'm home again Rose

Without a sweetheart to my name

Lida Rose, now everyone knows

That I am hoping you're the same

So here is my love song

Not fancy or fine

Lida Rose oh won't you be mine

Lida Rose oh Lida Rose oh Lida Rose oh...

(The lights come oup on the Purroo's porch, as Marian sings...)

DEM: Dream of now

Dream of then

Dream of a love song

That might have been

Do I love you?

Oh yes I love you

And I'll bravely tell you

But only when we dream again

Sweet and low, sweet and low

How sweet that memory...

GRIZ: Meeeeemoryyyyy, all aloooone in the mooooonliiiiight...

JULIE: Uh, not that Memory, Griz.

DEM: (continues) How long ago?

Forever?

Oh yes, forever

Will I ever yell you

Ah, no...

(The school board toms and Marian sing their songs together. However, Demeter has double duty, as the female kittens, upset that she's drowning their new "tomcat band" dreamboats out, have taken a long hook and are trying to get her off the stage. However, with the Everlasting Cat's help, they get through the number.)

DEM: WHAT IS WITH YOU GUYS!?

CET: You were drowning our boy toys out!

VICKY: EEEEEEE!

(the female kittens chase the quartet off the stage again)

(We go back to the Purroo house, and Mrs. Purroo is getting a bit annoyed with Marian...)

JENNY: Will ya ever stop arguin' with yourself? Will you ever tell him, won't you ever tell him, ah yes, ah no, AH FIDDLESTICKS! Just open your mouth and let it come out!

DEM: Now Mama...

JENNY: Now nothin'. If he ever comes to call again, you see him alone and if you haven't got the gumption to tell him how you feel...

DEM: TELL him?!

JENNY: Well, there's nothing wrong with a ladylike hint.

(No sooner does she say this, then Pouncethrop enters with a jar of worms.)

POUNCE: Mama!

JENNY: Pouncethrop, where've you been?

POUNCE: Fithin'!

JENNY: Fishing!

POUNCE: With Hairball.

DEM: You mean Professor Hill?

POUNCE: Mm-hm. And look, I thtill have thome wormth left!

DEM: Did you have a good time?

POUNCE: Thcrumpthyuth. He told me all about hith hometown, Gary, Indiana! And he thaid he'd take me there thum day. And he taught me a thong that hardly hath any etheth in it!

(sings)

Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, let me thay it wunth again

Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, that'th the town that "knew me when"

If you'd like to have a logical ekthplanathyun

How I happened on thith elegant thinkopathyun

I will thay without a moment of hethitathyun

There ith jutht one plathe

That can light my fathe

Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, not Loueetheeana, Parith, Franth, New York or Rome

But Gary, Indiana

DEM: Gary, Indiana

POUNCE, DEM, AND JENNY: Gary, Indiana, my home sweet home!

TUMBLE AND CARB: YOU ROCK, POUNTHIVAL!

POUNCE: I'll be back in a minute. I have to thow Jemaryllith my live frog!

(he runs off, singing the "Minuet in G". No sooner does he leave than Charlie Macavill, the anvil salesman from the opening scene, shows up.)

MAC: Gushinns live around here somewhere?

DEM: The Gushinn home is on East Elm. This is West Elm.

MAC: Aw Criminy! (he looks at the porch, there is a PIANO GIVEN sign.)

I see you're the piano teacher in town? You must know about this fellow Hill formin' a boys' band here.

DEM: Yes.

MAC: Well, don't let it worry you no more. I got the goods on him in spades.

(a garden spade falls from behind the curtain and clonks Macavity on the head)

Swindlin' two-bit thimble rigger. That's why I got to see Gushinn. (pulls out a watch--stolen, of course, it is Macavity) I'm just passin' through. Number eight only makes a fifteen minute water stop...

(A bucket of water is poured on Macavity's head)

MATT: Who's doing that?

TUMBLE and CARB: (whistle innocently)

MAC: ...Wish it was twenty. Could sure concentrate five minutes on you, queenie-queen.

DEM: Who are YOU?

MAC: Name's Charlie Macavill--anvil salesman. (looks up to make sure an anvil won't fall on his head, and he continues) But now I'm just out to protect the name of the travellin' fraternity from this swindler.

DEM: Mr. Macavill, you're making a big mistake.

MAC: Mistake my old queen's corset-cover! That tom's been the raspberry seed in my wisdom tooth just long enough! He spoiled Illinois for me and he's not gonna spoil Iowa! Say, what kind of a music teacher are you you didn't see through him? He's no more Professor--

DEM: I know all about that. Band leaders are always called Professor. It's a harmless deception. He's a fine director and his scholastic...

MAC: FINE DIRECTOR?! Now wait a minute. Have you heard one note of music from any band?

DEM: No, but...

MAC: But nothing, queenie-queen! He's never formed a band in his life! And he never will!

DEM: If you'll just listen to me for a minute...

MAC: I'd like to, I'd like to do more than that, if I had the time. I sure got the inclination. But I got to get back on that train and I got to leave this dynamite...

(he looks at a wire on the ground. He holds up a sign saying "HELP ME" as a loud explosion is heard, nearly missing Mac)

...with somebody on the way to the depot. 'Bye, queenie-queen. See you next time through.

DEM: You'll never make that train at the depot. You'll have to catch it at the crossing.

DEM: Just a minute, Mr. Macavill...you don't know me yet.

MAC: Is that an invitation?

DEM: No--I meant I don't know YOU and...

MAC: Yes...I'd need more time anyway.

DEM: I mean as well as I'd like to...

MAC: No trouble there, queenie-queen...

(Anyhow, to make a long story short, Marian seduces Macavill, kisses him HARD on his mouth, and makes him miss his train. After this, Hairball arrives and Marian claims her love for him.)

JENNY: Glory be and Saints be praised it works!

DEM: What does?

JENNY: I been usin' the Think System on ya from the parlor!

(So anyway, they meet on the foot bridge. Mistoffus has informed Hairball that the uniforms had arrived and they can bail out...but Marian arrives at that minute. She thinks Hairball is leaving his salestom life for her...and she reveals she knew all the time. But he has sold her something...himself...so she sings a song which we'll skip...)

DEM: Thank the Everlasting Cat!

(and Hairball decides right then and there, that he will stay. But just then, he sees Mistoffus trying to hold Charlie off...)

MISTO: Tug, this guy's CRAZY! He's goin' all over town spillin' everything!

MAC: I'll say I'm crazy! Missed my train...probably lost my job! But I got ya now, Hill, and you'll pay! You'd be in the clink right now hadn't it been for that piano teacher! I told her all about you and what did she do? Lolligags me around until I couldn't get to Gushinn! Little dried up tom-hungry doxy, round-heel fiz gig...

(Hairball shoves Charlie to the ground)

TUGGER: Get outta here or I'll kill you, you dirty-mouthed...

MAC: YOU BULLY! (runs off) I'll stay in this town until you get yours up, down, through, and sideways! You big blow-off! Why you never even knew the territory!

BOMB: HA! Look who's talking!

MISTO: Here's your stuff, Tug! The rig's in the alley...come on, hurry up!

(Mistoffus takes off, but Hairball stays put.)

(We are now at the Ice Cream Sociable. The Queens' Auxiliary Committee are done with their Grecian Urn presentation...)

JELLY: Two Grecian Urns! And a fountain...

TUMBLE: Oh boy...not this again. (runs off to the cat box)

(Charlie and Mayor Gushinn burst in.)

GUS: Stop, stop. Listen to this tom!

MAC: You gullible green-grass goats! Can't you get it through your heads that you're being swindled outta your eye teeth right now, this minute? There's a burglar in the bedroom while you're fiddling in the parlor! I'm talking about Hairball Hill -- road agent--highwaytom--PICKPOCKET!

OLD D: HA! LOOK WHO'S TALKING!

CORI: Pickpocket?

(So anyway, Charlie Macavill has turned the town AGAINST Hairball Hill, and they all chase after him, Bustolin constantly bringing up the rear, since he's so out of shape.)

BUSTOPHER: Puff...pant...puff...gasp...

(Hairball gets to the footbridge as Mistoffus diverts the crowd...and he sees Pouncethrop.)

TUGGER: Pouncethrop! (he grabs him but Pouncethrop tries to run away)

Hey, wait a minute here, son.

POUNCE: I'm not your thon! Leave me go!

TUGGER: Not till I talk to you for a minute!

POUNCE: I won't lithen! You wouldn't tell the truth anyway!

TUGGER: I would too.

POUNCE: Would not!

TUGGER: Would too. Tell you anything you want to know.

POUNCE: Can you lead a band?

TUGGER: No.

POUNCE: Are you a big liar?

TUGGER: Yes.

JENNY: I could have told you that!

POUNCE: Are you a dirty rotten crook?

TUGGER: Yes.

POUNCE: Leave me go, you big liar!

TUGGER: What's the matter? You wanted the truth,didn't you? Now I'm bigger than you and you're going to stand here and get it all so you might as well quit wiggling.

(Pouncethrop stops wiggling)

There are two things you're entitled to know. One, you're a wonderful kitten. I thought so from the first. That's why I wanted you in the band, so you'd quit mopin' around feeling sorry for yourself.

POUNCE: What band?

TUGGER: I always think there's a band, kitten.

POUNCE: What'th the other thing I'm entitled to know?

TUGGER: Well, actually, the other thing is...

TUMBLE: That he wants to get Marian knocked up!

TUGGER: ...isn't any of your business now that I think of it.

POUNCE: I wish you'd never come to River Thity!

DEM: No you don't, Pouncethrop.

POUNCE: Thithter, you believe him?

DEM: I believe everything he ever said.

POUNCE: But he promithed uth...

DEM: I know what he promised us and it all happened just like he said. The lights, and the flags and the colors. And the cymbals.

POUNCE: Where wath all that?

DEM: In the way every kitten in this town walked around here all summer, and looked and acted. Especially you! And the parents, too. Does Mama wish he'd never come to River City?

POUNCE: Well you do, don't you?

DEM: No, Pouncethrop. Now go, Hairball, please.

POUNCE: Go on, Profethor, hurry up.

TUGGER: I can't go, Pouncethrop.

POUNCE: Why not?

TUGGER: For the first time in my life I got my foot caught in the door.

ALL: Awwwwwww.

MATT: You guys are supposed to be an unruly mob! Get into character! Gogogogogogo!

(Well, anyway, our now-unconvincing unruly mob has caught up to Hairball Hill, and he is cuffed and taken away.)

(The trial of Hairball Hill begins in the high school assembly room. All the members of the queens' auxiliary and other program participants are there...and Mayor Gushinn is on the podium, in the middle of another long-winded lecture.)

GUS: ...which is why I interupted the program at this point! Rest assured this snake in our bosom...

TUMBLE: *snickers* He said "bosom"!

GUS: ...would have been misapprehended by this time. Yes, and always remember, fellow River Citizians, I can only remind you that I did everything in my power to prevent this from happening. Four score...

CORI: What have you done to get our money back?

VICTOR: That Professor collected nearly three hundred dollars for uniforms, just tonight!

EXOTICA: And we haven't even seen them uniforms yet!

GUS: He's slippery, I TOLD you...

LEC: I haven't seen any uniform or my kitten either, since just after supper!

ADMETUS: He's a kidnapper!

VICKY: Fine situation here!

GUS: Four score...(before he can resume his speech, the Constable has entered with Hairball Hill in custody, with Marian by his side. Some of the toms try to go at him, but the constable pushes them back)

Just a minute! Virtue has TRIUMPHED! THE SWORD OF RESTIBUTION HAS CUT DOWN PROFESSOR HAIRBALL HILL! And if there are those, as I have heard, who are melting tar and collecting feathers, I WILL NOT SAY THEM NAY!!!!

TUMBLE: He won't say them nay? Carbucketty, what you say?

CARB: Nay, I say, if I may.

MATT: Come on guys, we are so close to being done...

DEM: (jumps up on the podium)

Well, I should think there ought to be some of you who could forget our everlasting Iowa stubborn chip on the shoulder arrogance long enough to remember River City before Hairball Hill arrived. Do you remember? Well, do you? Surely, some of you ought to be grateful to him for what he's brought to River City and if so I should think you'd want to admit it!

MUNKU: Don't call me Shirley, Demeter!

ALL: Oooooh, lousy pun.

GUS: (undaunted) You're wasting a great deal of time here. If there's a person in this hall who does not think this man Hill should be tarred and feathered, let him stand up!

(Mrs. Purroo stands up, then Bombazaneeta, then the school board toms, Wa Tan Ye queens, the Queens' Auxiliary, then the constable and Jellalie.)

SIT DOWN, JELLALIE!

(Jellalie begins to sit, but Mrs. Purroo makes sure she stands up)

And the rest of you standin' there like a cote of Shropshyre sheep!

(They all sit down)

Have you cats forgotten how you bought expensive uniforms, technical instruction books, and high priced band instruments? Have you forgotten the clear understanding and warrantee that your children would be taught to play in a band? Well, where's the band? WHERE'S THE BAND?!

(Mungotommy Djerras enters at that moment with about six or seven kittens in uniforms. He blows a whistle, Marian takes a pointer from the blackboard, snaps it in half, and gives half to Hairball to conduct.)

TUGGER: Think, toms, think!

(The band plays the Minuet in G, barely recognizable, but it's the Minuet in G nonetheless. The citizens love it. Mayor Gushinn crosses and shakes Mungotommy's paw...and the citizens recognize their kittens as they solo...at the cornet solo...)

GUS: Mrs. Purroo, that's Pouncethrop!

(Hairball Hill regains his old form, and Mayor Gushinn shakes his paw as well. Everyone cheers, except for Charlie, who walks off, but not before Mistoffus waves his paw and a giant anvil does drop on him. Hairball hugs Marian.)

JULIE: THAT'S the ending?

MATT: Uh, yeah, for the play, but let's end it the way the movie ended...

(We go to a parade at the next Fourth of July. Hairball Hill is leading the boys' band, Marian by his side, Mungotommy Djerras in the back, with the band, then Mayor Gushinn and his family, then the rest of the citizens, and they all sing...)

While 110 cornets blazed away

To the rhythm of Harch-Harch-Harch

All the cats began to march

And they're marching still--right today!

(END OF ACT 2)

TUGGER: Thank the Everlasting Cat THAT ONE'S over! (heads to the shower to wash the baby powder out of his mane... but before he runs off, he goes up to Juliet and reclaims his stud belt) I'll be taking that, thank you! (bounds off)

(meanwhile, Bustopher is running like he has never run before. Skimbleshanks, Munkustrap, and Alonzo are not too far behind him. The female kittens follow them, in hot pursuit)

BUSTOPHER: HEEEELP!!!!

MATT: Relax, guys, they'll get over it!

MUNKU: But what'll we do till then?

JENNY: Keep running! Bustopher, you need to lose the weight anyway!

BUSTOPHER: THANKS A LOT, JENNYANYDOTS!

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEEEE...

*THE END*