Veroni: Okay cats! I'm leaving you off here while I go 'borrow' my High School auditorium for our next project.

Munku: Read-- Break into the school and make sure we don't set off the alarm when we storm the stage.

Veroni: Just go do something cowboy-ey and let me do my thing.

Skimble: Even if your thing has the potential for getting you arrested?

Veroni: Don't help.

Jemi: Yeah. I'll second that. If she's arrested, we won't have to worry about her bothering us for a VERY long time!

All Cats: HAVE A GREAT TIME!

Veroni: Heh heh. (walks off, but hollers back to Matt as she leaves) THEY'RE ALL YOURS!

(When we last left off, Jellylaurey had a dream where Mac Fries would kill Munkurly...so she goes to the box social with him. We're now at Ike Skimblemore's ranch for said box social, and all the cats are whooping it up and having a grand old time. Since farmers and cowtoms aren't exactly the best of friends, Marshal Rumpuscord Elam is there to make sure nothing bad happens. Andeut Carnes holds up his paws, meaning one thing...)

Pounce: That he calls a time-out to discuss end zone strategy?

Matt: No, Pounce...that he wants to SING!

Pounce: Even worse.

Old D: (sings) The farmer and the cowtom should be friends,

The farmer and the cowtom should be friends.

One tom likes to push a plow,

The other likes to chase a cow...

Tumble: Yeah, Bustopher does! He has to work up an appetite before he eats!

Old D: (continues) But that's no reason why they can't be friends!

Territory cats should stick together

Territory cats should all be pals

Cowtoms, dance with the farmers' daughters,

Farmers, dance with the ranchers' gals!

All: Territory cats should stick together

Territory cats should all be pals

Cowtoms, dance with the farmers' daughters

Farmers, dance with the ranchers' gals!

(The cats dance again...)

Tumble: Swing your partner, do-si-do, let's finish this fic so we can go!

Carb: Who died and made you square dance caller?

(...and Old D resumes singing.)

Old D: I'd like to say a word fer the farmer

He come out west and made a lot of changes.

Tugger: He came out west and built a lot of fences

Munku: And built 'em right across our cattle ranges!

Old D: The farmer is a good and thrifty citizen

No matter whan the cowtom says or thinks

You seldom see him drinkin' in a barroom

Munku: Unless somebody else is buyin' drinks!

Julie: Doesn't the script have people inserting smart cracks during this song?

Matt: These cats insert their own....and they don't always follow the script....just ask Veroni.

Old D: (sings again)

The farmer and the cowtom should be friends,

Oh the farmer and the cowtom should be friends,

The cowtom ropes a cow with ease,

The farmer steals her butter and cheese

But that's no reason why the cain't be friends!

All: Territory cats should stick together,

Territory cats should all be pals.

Cowtoms, dance with the farmers' daughters

Farmers, dance with the ranchers' gals!

Jenny: I'd like to say a word fer the cowboy,

The road he treads is difficult and stony.

(Will, Munkurly, and the other cowtoms are smirking at the farmers after this is sung.)

Jenny: (continues) He rides fer days on end with just a pony fer a friend...

Bomb: I sure am feelin' sorry for the pony!

Tugger: Ooooh, below the belt swipe there!

Jenny: The farmer should be sociable with the cowboy,

If he rides by and asks for food and water.

Don't treat him like a louse, make him welcome in your house...

Old D: But be sure that you lock up your wife and daughter!

(Well, the peaceful party deteriorates after this line...)

Rumpus Cat: Who wants an ol' farm queen anyway?

Bomb: Notice you married one, so's you could git a square meal!

Plato: He can't talk that-a-way 'bout our queen folks!

Tugger: He can say what he wants!

(Naturally, Will hauls off on the tom and soon the fur begins to fly. All the toms are going at it...until Aunt Jennyeller sneaks her paw into the brawl and grabs a random tom's gun from out of the holster. She goes near one of the house microphones and shoots the toy gun into it, giving it a much louder sound than it really has. Everyone freezes, and Aunt Jennyeller pulls everyone away from each other.)

Jenny: There ain't nobody goin' to slug out anythin'! This here's a party! *points the gun at Andeut*...Sing it, Andeut!

Bustopher: Is there any wonder why I love her?

Plato: (rubbing a bruise on his hind leg) Opposites attract, Bustopher...

Old D: (resumes singing) The farmer and the cowtom should be friends...

(Aunt Jennyeller points the gun on a small group of cats and conducts them...)

1st Group: Oh, the farmer and the cowtom should be friends...

(She then points the gun on the other group of cats and everyone sings)

All: One tom likes to push a plow, the other likes to chase a cow,

But that's no reason why they cain't be friends!

(Ike Skimblemore then joins Aunt Jennyeller and Mr. Carnes.)

Skimble: And when this territory is a state,

And joins the union just like all the others,

The farmer and the cowtom and the merchant

Must all behave theirselves and act like brothers!

Jenny: I'd like to teach you all a little sayin'

And learn these words by heart the way you should:

"I don't say I'm no better than anybody else

But I'll be darned if I ain't just as good!"

All: I don't say I'm no better than anybody else,

But I'll be darned if I ain't just as good!

Territory cats should stick together

Territory cats should all be pals

Cowtoms, dance with the farmers' daughters,

Farmers, dance with the ranchers' gals!

(They dance some more then...)

Skimble: C'mon, everybody! Time to start the Box Social!

Rumpus: I'm so hungry, I could eat a gatepost.

Vicky: You might have to, Rumpus Cat, after what Bustopher and Pouncival did to the deli tray.

Bustopher and Pounce: *burp*

Matt: You know, the more you guys chat, the longer this act is.

All: Eep.

(Now the box social is going to start, as toms will bid on homemade hampers of food. Just one question remains...)

Jemi: Who's goin' to be the auctioneer?

George: Aunt Jennyeller!

(The other cats seem to like this idea!)

Jenny: (playing coy...hey, that's what it says in the script) Let one of the toms be the auctioneer.

All: (interjected) No Aunt Jennyeller, you're the best! Ain't any ole tom auctioneers as good as you.

Jenny: All right then. Now you know the rules, gentletoms. Y'got to bid blind. Y'ain't supposed to know what queen goes with what hamper. Of course, if yer sweetheart has told you that hers'll be done up in a certain kind of way with a certain color ribbon, that ain't my fault. Now we'll auction all the hampers on the other side of the house and work around back here. Follow me.

(Aunt Jennyeller leads the crowd to the back of the house. As the crowd leaves, we see Mistoli Hakim run on, meeting Will, who's bringing up the rear, carrying Bombado Annielurina's presents.)

Cet: That's one rear I don't mind his bringing up!

Other Female Kittens: Mmmm-hmmmm!

Misto: Hello, young fellow!

Tugger: Oh, it's you!

Misto: I was just hoping to meet up with you. It seems like you and me ought to have a little talk.

Tugger: We only got one thing to talk about. Well, Mr. Hakim, I hear you got yerself engaged to Bombado Annielurina.

Misto: Well...

Tugger: Well, nothin'. I don't know what to call you. You ain't purty enough for a skunk...

Vicky: That's not true!

Tugger: (continues)...You ain't skinny enough fer a snake. You're too little to be a man, and too big to be a mouse. I reckon you're a rat. And if you set me on a rat, then I'd rather chase a mouse...

Backstage Cats: The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat!

Tugger: (sings) And there isn't any need for me to spout it...

Matt: WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW!

Julie: Good thing you stopped him. Whenever he sings that song he breaks all the windows in the area and sets off all the car alarms.

(So anyway, Misto and Tugger get back into character...)

Tugger: Answer me one question. Do you really love her?

Misto: Well...

Tugger: 'Cause if I thought you didn't I'd tie you up in this bag and drop you in the river. Are you serious about her?

Misto: Yes, I'm serious.

Tugger: And do you worship the ground she walks on, like I do? You better say yes!

Cet: I sure hope the Tugger isn't becoming a one-queen tom.

Misto: Yes, yes, yes!

Tugger: The heck you do!

Misto: Yes.

Tugger: Would you spend every cent you had fer her? That's what I did. See that bag? Full of presents. Cost fifty bucks. All I had in the world.

Misto: If you had that fifty dollars cash...

Tugger: I'd have Bombado Annielurina, and you'd lose her!

Misto: Yes, I'd lose her. Let's see what you got in here. Might want to buy something.

Tugger: What would you want with them?

Misto: I'm a peddler, ain't I? I buy and sell. Maybe pay you real money...maybe as much as--well, a lot.

(To make a long story short, Mistoli Hakim goes through Will's bag and buys everything...well, almost everything. Mistoli Hakim has paid Will $45.50 for all his gifts...)

Tugger: $45.50? Say, that's almost...that's...want to buy some more?

Misto: Might.

Tugger: (pulls The Little Wonder out of his pocket)D'you ever see one of these?

(MIstoli Hakim remembered Mac's description of The Little Wonder...)

Misto: What made you buy this?! Got it in for somebody?

Tugger: How d'you mean? It's just funny pictures!

Misto: That all you think it is? Well, it's more'n that! It's...

Backstage Cats: A knife? Like the readers didn't know!

(Well..everybody except Will knows. But before Mistoli Hakim can tell him, Jellylaurey runs on, looking very frightened.)

Jelly: Where is everybody? Where's Aunt Jennyeller?

Tugger: On the other side of the house, Jellylaurey.

Mac: (off stage) Jellylaurey! Where'd you run to?

Tugger: How much'll you give me fer that thing?

Misto: I don't like to handle things like this. I guess you don't know what it really is.

Tugger: Sure do. It's just a girl in pink tights.

(Mac enters, carrying Jellylaurey's hamper)

Mac: Either of you two see Jellylaurey?

Tugger: Just went to the other side of the house. Auction's goin' on there.

Misto: Hey Mac! Here's one of them things you was looking for, The Little Wonder.

Dem: NO! MISTO! DON'T GIVE IT TO HIM! That cat and weapons do NOT mix!

Mac: How much?

Tugger: Three dollars and fifty cents.

Mac: Lotta money but I got an idy it might be worth it. (he takes it from Will)

(Anyways, Will has all but one dollar left to get his bride back. Mistoli Hakim buys the remainder of the contents in the bag for $1.00, giving Will fifty dollars even.)

Tugger: Done! Now I got fifty dollars, ain't I! Know what that means? Means I'm goin' to take Bombado Annielurina back from you!

Misto: You wouldn't do a thing like that to me!

Tugger: Oh wouldn't I? And when I tell her paw who I got mosta the money offa, mebbe he'll change his mind about who's smart and who's dumb!

Misto: Say young feller, you certainly bunkoed me!

(We go back to the auction. There are two hampers left, and during all this, Mac eyes Jellylaurey, and Munkurly stands apart and doesn't pay anyone or anything any mind. The last two hampers are Jellylaurey's and Bombado Annielurina's. Will Tugger bets $50 on his bride-to-be's hamper, but Andeut Carnes still insists on the peddler marrying Bombado Annielurina. Mistoli Hakim outbids Will, and Will keeps the money...and gets Bombado Annielurina.)

Carb: Yet another long narration. Let me guess, Matt, you've played the Criminologist in "Rocky Horror" before, haven't you?

Matt: No. I'm just speeding things along...

All: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

Matt: ....to save HTML space. And besides, this is a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, and anyone who knows from Rodgers & Hammerstein musicals knows what's going to happen...

Julie: Don't tell them! There are at least two more cool songs in this play, and (to Matt) one kitty who still wants to hear them.

Pounce: And a whole bunch of other kitties who don't want to sing them!

(Well, since I want this thing to have something resembling an ending, we continue with the play.)

Pounce: Oh spit.

Tumble: Howls of derisive laughter there, Pounce.

Matt: NO MONTY PYTHON REFERENCES HERE!

(Getting back to the action, an intense bidding war develops between Munkurly and Mac over Jellylaurey's hamper. Munkurly gives up everything he owns--his horse, his saddle, and his gun--for more money. Mac gives up his savings. But either way, Munkurly ends up with more money...and he wins Jellylaurey's hamper!)

Jenny: Goin', goin' GONE! What's the matter with you folks? Ain't nobody gonna cheer or nuthin'?

(The cats, a bit shocked by the high-stakes bidding war they just saw, begin to sing "The Farmer And The Cowtom". Jellylaurey and Munkurly carry their basket away, but Mac moves towards Munkurley. The singing stops.)

Skimble: That's the idea! The cowtom and the farmer should be friends. (He puts his hand on Mac's shoulder.) You lost the bid, but the biddin' was fair. (To Munkurly) C'mon cowtom, shake the farmer's paw.

(At first they don't, but finally Munkurly accepts Mac's handshake.)

Skimble: That's better.

Mac: Say Munkurly, I wanna show ya somethin'. (smiles that evil smile of his) 'Scuse us, Jellylaurey. Ever see one of these things, Munkurly?

(He whips out "The Little Wonder". Mistoli Hakim has been watching this, and he whispers to Aunt Jennyeller. Just as Munkurly is about to look at "The Little Wonder"...)

Jenny: Munkurly, what you doin'?

Munku: Doin'? Nothin' much. What you want to squeal at a tom like that fer? Scare the liver and lights out of a feller. (breaks character) Any more of my talking like this and I just might snap!

Jenny: Well then, stop lookin' at those ole French pictures and ask me fer a dance! You brung me to the party, didn't you?

Munku: All right then, you silly ole queen, I'll dance with you. Dance you all over the meadow, you want!

Jenny: PICK THAT BANJO TO PIECES!

(And another tom--Bill Bailey--starts picking away at a banjo. All the cats are dancing now. Munkurly dances with Aunt Jennyeller, Jellylaurey is dancing with Mistoli Hakim but soon Mac cuts in and dances her off...but it doesn't seem to matter to Mistoli Hakim, since he starts breaking into an incredible solo dance, COMPLETELY out of time for that era, including 36 spins...)

Matt: MISTOFFELEES! What are you doing?

Misto: Sorry. Old habit.

(...and everyone dances off, except for Will and Bombado Annielurina.)

Lec: Well, they're all alone. I wonder what they'll do now?

Cet: Gutter Brain!

Tugger: Well, Bombado Annielurina, I got the fifty dollars cash, now you name the day.

Bomb: August 15.

Tugger: Why August 15?

Bomb: That was the first day I was kissed.

Backstage Toms: BY WHO, that's the question!

Bomb: Wise toms.

Tugger: (back in character) Was it? I didn't remember that.

Bomb: You wasn't there.

(Will is a bit miffed at that remark, so in the form of a song, he lays down the guidelines for their marriage to work...)

Tugger: (sings) You'll have to be a little more stand-offish

When tomcats offer you a buggy ride.

Bomb: I'll give an imitation of a crawfish

And dig myself a hole where I can hide.

Vicky: These parts are so unlike Tugger and Bombalurina it's not funny.

Griz: Well, unlike Tugger, anyway.

Bomb: *hisses at Griz*

Tugger: (continues) I heard how you was kickin' up some capers

When I was off in Kansas City, Mo.

I heard some things you couldn't print in papers

From tomcats who been talkin' like they know!

Bomb: Foot!

I only did the kinda things I oughtta, sorta

To you I was as faithful as can be, fer me

Them stories 'bout the way I lost my bloomers-rumors!

A lot of tempest in a pot of tea.

Tugger: The whole thing don't sound very good to me.

Bomb: Well, y'see--

Tugger: I go and sow my last wild oat, I cut out all shenanigans!

I save my money, don't gamble or drink in the back room down at Flannigan's!

I give up lotsa other things a gentletom never mentions,

But before I give up any more, I wanta know your intentions!

With me it's all or nothin'.

Is it all or nothin' with you?

It cain't be "in between", it can't be "now and then",

No half and half romance will do!

I'm a one-kitty tom, home-lovin' type, all complete with slippers and pipe...

Take me like I am or leave me be!

If you cain't give me all, give me nothin',

And nothin's what you'll get from me.

Bomb: Not even somethin'?

Tugger: Nothin's what you'll git from me!

Bomb: It cain't be "in between"?

Tugger: Uh-uh.

Bomb: It cain't be "now and then"?

Tugger: No half-and-half romance will do!

Bomb: Would you build me a house, all painted white, cute and clean and purty and bright?

Tugger: Big enough fer two but not fer three!

Bomb: Supposin' that we should have a third one?

Tugger: He better look a lot like me!

Bomb: The spittin' image!

Tugger: He better look a lot like me!

(At this, two queens--Etcetera and Electra--come on and try to lure Will away form his new fiancee. Bombado Annielurina sees this and does a seductive dance...which Will calls her out on ("That's a Persian cat dance!") and returns to the queens. Bombado Annielurina yanks him back by his collar, and the queens dance off.)

Tugger: GRK!

Bomb: With you it's all or nothin'!

All for you and nothin' for me!

But if a wife is wise

She gotta realize

That men like you are wild and free.

So I ain't gonna fuss, ain't gonna frown, have your fun, go out on the town,

Stay up late and don't come home till three,

And go right off to sleep if you're sleepy-

There's no use waitin' up fer me!

There's no use waitin' up fer me!

Tugger: Come on and kiss me.

(Bombado Annielurina goes back to Will and he kisses her.)

Bomb: Mmrrrowwwwr!

Female Kittens: Lucky Bombalurina!

(Back at the party, I'll just sum up the next scene for you. Jellylaurey finds out that Mac really has a thing for her, and she calls him out on it. He threatens her if she doesn't be his mate, and she fires him. Munkurly sees Jellylaurey crying and she reveals her true feelings to him, and they decide to get married...)

Munku: HEY! IF THERE'S ANYBODY OUT AROUND THIS YARD THAT CAN HEAR MY VOICE, I'D LIKE FER YOU TO KNOW THAT JELLYLAUREY WILLIAMS IS MY QUEEN!

Jelly: Munkurly!

Munku: And she's went and got me to ask her to marry me!

Jelly: They'll hear you all the way to Cat-toosie!

Munku: Let 'em! (sings) Let people say we're in love!

Who cares what happens now?

Jelly: Just keep your hand in mine.

Your hand feels so grand in mine-

Munku and Jelly: Let people say we're in love!

Starlight looks well on us,

Let the stars beam from above,

Who cares if they tell on us?

LET PEOPLE SAY WE'RE IN LOVE!

All: Awwwwwwww.

Jenny: Like you didn't see that coming. I'd have scratched Mac right in his six-shooter, THEN fired him!

Julie: You're too kind, Jennyanydots. I would've just neutered him.

Toms: *gulp*

(Anyway, the next thing we see is Mistoli Hakim walking on with Bombado Annielurina.)

Misto: I'll say good-bye here, Baby.

Bomb: Cain't ya even stay to drink to Munkurly and Jellylaurey?

Misto: Time for the lonely gypsy to go back to the open road.

Bomb: Wish I was goin'--then you wouldn't be so lonely.

Misto: Look, Bombado Annielurina, there is a tom I know who loves you like nothing ever loved nobody.

Bomb: Yes, Mistoli Hakim.

Misto: A man who will stick to you all your life. And that's the man for you--Will Tugger.

Quaxo: Obviously this guy doesn't know the Tugger that well.

(Back on stage...)

Bomb: Oh...yeah...well...I like Will a lot.

Misto: He is a fine fellow. Strong like an ox. Young and handsome.

Female Kittens: We knew Misto would see things our way!

Bomb: I love him all right, I guess.

Misto: Of course you do! And you love those clear blue eyes of his, and the way his whiskers wrinkle up when he smiles...

Bomb: Do you love him too?

Misto: I love him because he will make my Bombado Annielurina happy. Good-bye, my baby. I will show you how we say good-bye in Persia. (kisses Bombado Annielurina on the lips)

Backstage Cats: Awwwwwww.

Vicky: Poor Misto...I forgot how cute he really is. Tugger Schmugger!

(Meanwhile, on stage...)

Bomb: That was goodbye?

Misto: We have an old song in Persia. It says: One good-bye is never enough.

(Will walks by, and can't believe what he hears...)

Misto: I am glad you will marry such a wonderful tom as this Will Tugger. You deserve a fine tom and you got one.

(At this, Bombado Annielurina notices Will for the first time.)

Bomb: Hello, Will. Mistoli Hakim is sayin' good-bye.

Misto: Ah, Will! I want to say good-bye to you too!

Tugger: NO YOU DON'T. I just saw the last one.

Misto: Ah, you were made for each other. Be good to her, Will. (to Bombado Annielurina) And you be good to him! (to Will again) You don't mind? I am a friend of the family now. (kisses Bombado Annielurina again)

Tugger: Did you say you was goin'? *under his breath* Watch yourself, Misto!

Misto: Yes, I must. Back to the open road. A poor gypsy. Good-bye, my baby...(kisses Bombado Annielurina yet again...)

Vicky: Save some kisses for me, Misto!

Misto: Friend of the family. I show you how we say good-bye in my country. Persian good-bye. Lucky fellow! I wish it was me she was marrying instead of you.

Tugger: It don't seem to make no difference, hardly.

Misto: Well, back to the open road, the lonely gypsy.

(He points a spotlight at himself, plays with it for a while, stretches it out until it engulfs him, then blows it out. When the lights go back up, Mistoli Hakim has disappeared...to backstage.)

Misto: I knew I could incorporate that magic trick in this one!

(Back on stage...)

Tugger: You ain't goin' to think of that ole peddler anymore, are ya?

Bomb: 'Course not. Never think of no one less'n he's with me.

Tugger: Then I'm never goin'to leave yer side.

Bomb: Even if you don't, even if you never go away on a trip er somethin', cain't you-once in a while-give me one of them Persian goodbyes?

Tugger: Persian goodbye? Why, that ain't nothin' compared to a Oklahoma hello!

(Tugger moves his eyebrows up and down in an "I'm gonna plant one on her...eat your hearts out girls" gesture, wraps her up, and gives her a big smooch.)

Bomb: *PURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR*

(She's so blown away by how she was kissed she nearly forgets her line)

Bomb: Oh yeah, sorry...

Hello, Will!

(Blackout.)

(The final scene tales place in back of Jellylaurey's house. The cats are once again whooping it up. We see Andeut Carnes and Ike Skimblemore walking toward the house. Andeut mentions that he just saw Mac Fries return after some time out of the county, and he was drunk as a skunk...however their conversation is drowned out by the other cats, who have rushed out onto the stage and have started to...what else...sing! Jellylaurey is wearing a wedding dress, after all, it is her wedding day.)

Cori: No, it's her funeral.

Matt: Sarcasm detected, Coricopat.

Jenny: Can we sing, huh?

(sings) They couldn't pick a better time to start in life!

Skimble: It ain't too early and it ain't too late!

Jelly: Startin' as a farmer with a brand new wife!

Munku: Soon be livin' in a brand new state!

All: Brand new state, gonna treat you great!

Mungo: Gonna give you barley

Carrots and pertayters

Rumpus: Pasture for the cattle

Old D: Spinach and termayters!

Bomb: Flowers on the prairie where the junebugs zoom-

Skimble: Plenty of air and plenty of room!

Tugger: Plenty of room to swing a rope!

Jenny: Plenty of heart and plenty of hope!

Munku: Oooooooo-klahoma

Where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain,

And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet

When the wind comes right behind the rain!

Ooooooo-klahoma,

Every night my honey lamb and I

Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk

Makin' lazy circles in the sky!

We know we belong to the land,

And the land we belong to is grand,

And when we say

Ee-yow! A-yip-i-o-ee-ay!

We're only sayin' "You're doin' fine, Oklahoma!

Oklahoma, OK!"

(The entire cast joins in for another refrain...which builds up and ends with all the cats whooping it up yet again.)

Jemi: I don't see how this song fits in with the rest of the play.

Alonzo: I think it's because the state needed an official state song.

Jemi: Which state, Alonzo?

Alonzo: (sarcastically) New Jersey, Jemima. New Jersey.

(Back on stage, the newlyweds are getting ready to go on their honeymoon.)

Munku: Y'better hurry into that other dress! Gotta git goin' in a minute!

Jenny: You hurry and pack yer own duds! They're layin' all over my room!

Munku: Hey Will, would oyu hitch the team to the surrey fer me?

Tugger: Sure will! Have it up in a jiffy!

(Meanwhile, Gerteazer has entered...)

Vicky: GERTEAZER!

Bomb: Though you was in Bushytail!

Rumple: Just come from there.

Vicky: Too bad you missed Jellylaurey's wedding.

Rumple: Lands! Who'd you marry? Where is he?

Bomb: Is that him?

Rumple: That's him!

(A dejected Mistoli Hakim enters.)

Misto: Rats. Just when I had zapped myself out of that peddler costume.

Bomb: Mistoli Hakim!

Misto: Hello. Hello, Bombado Annielurina.

Rumple: Did you see my ring, girls?

Bomb: (to Mistoli Hakim) How long you been married?

Misto: Four days. (hears Gerteazer's giggle) Four days with that laugh should count like a golden wedding.

Mungo: At least now he knows what I go through.

Bomb: But if you married her, you musta wanted to.

Misto: Sure I wanted to. I wanted to marry her when I saw the moonlight shining on the barrel of her father's shotgun! I thought it would be better to be alive. Now I ain't so sure!

Rumple: Mistoli ain't goin' to travel around the country no more. I decided he oughta settle down in Bushytail and run Papa's store.

Bomb: Hey Will! D'you hear the news? Gerteazer married the peddler!

Tugger: (to Mistoli Hakim) Mighty glad to hear that, peddler tom. (turns to Gerteazer) I think I oughta kiss the bride. Friend of the family, remember? (He kisses Gerteazer, but doesn't realize he's made his wife mad instead of the peddler...and an angry wife is the worst thing a married man can endure...) Hey Gerteazer, have you ever had an Oklahoma hello?

(Bombado Annielurina is right mad, and she punches Will in the gut, then Gerteazer. Gerteazer strikes back, and Will tries to jump in, but is beaten off by both of them. The two queens fight until Gerteazer takes off, Bombado Annielurina in hot pursuit. Will goes after them...)

Misto: Hey, where you goin'?

Tugger: I'm goin' to stop Bombado Annielurina from killin' yer wife!

Misto: Mind your own business!

(But obviously, the female kittens don't heed Misto's words, and the concept of two queens fighting over their beloved Tugger is too much for them to bear...and they take off, joining the fight.)

Matt: TUGGER!!!!!

Tugger: Hey, it happens all the time when you're as good lookin' as me.

(Back to the play....the toms have decided to "haze" Jellylaurey and Munkurly by pounding on tin pans with spoons, throwing rag dolls at Jellylaurey symbolizing their future kittens, and then hoist Munkurly on their shoulders from the window he's looking out of...and everyone's having a great time, until Mac enters...)

Mac: Weddin' party still goin' on? Glad I ain't too late. Got a present fer the groom. But first I wanna kiss the bride. (He grabs Jellylaurey, but Munkurly pulls him off.)

Pounce: Oh boy. Here we go again. Macavity and Munkustrap cat fight, TAKE TWO!

Mac: (to Munkurly) And here's my present fer you! *slugs him*

(The fight begins, with no clear favorite. Mac and Munkurly HISSSSSSSSS at each other, and throw punches. Finally, Mac draws his claws and goes for Munkurly. Munkurly grabs him and throws him. Mac falls on his own claws...and lies around twitching. Alonzo, remembering the brick Munkustrap had given him before the smokehouse scene, seizes this opportunity, and we hear a resounding *WHACK* as the brick connects with Mac's head.)

Mac: Look at all the pretty birdies.

(He's knocked out cold...but in the play, he's supposed to be dead from falling on his own claws...NOT being hit by a brick, ALONZO...)

Alonzo: Sorry. Got caught up in the moment.

Munku: (back in character) Look...look at him! Fell on his own claws!

(Don't worry, Macavity lovers, Mac's not dead, just out cold, although he did cut himself up some and got a nasty bump on his head. So anyway, the toms all carry Mac's body to the doctor...with Munkurly and Jellylaurey in disbelief.)

Jelly: I don't see why this had to happen, when everythin' was so fine.

Jenny: Don't let yer mind run on it.

Jelly: Cain't forget, I tell ya. Never will!

Jenny: 'S all right, Jellylaurey, baby. If you cain't forget, just don't try to, honey. Oh, lots of things happens to folks. Sickness, er bein' poor and hungry even--bein old and afraid to die. That's the way it is-cradle to grave. And you can stand it. There's one way. You gotta be hearty, you gotta be. You cain't deserve the sweet and tender things in life less'n you're tough.

Tumble: And the award for "Best Performance by a Jellicle Pretending to be an Oklahoma Hick" goes to--Jennyanydots!

Jenny: Young whippersnapper.

(gets back into character)

Jelly: I-I wish I was the way you are.

Jenny: Fiddlesticks! Scrawny and old? You couldn't hire me to be the way I am!

Jelly: Oh, what would I do without you, you're such a crazy!

Jenny: *hugs Jellylaurey* Sure's you're borned!

(Sheriff Rumpuscord Elam and Munkurly, along with the other toms, come back out on stage.)

Rumpus: They're takin' Mac over to the doc's 'till the mornin'.

Jenny: Is he-alive?

Rumpus: What do you think?

Matt: THAT LINE'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT! What's with you guys and constant improvisation?

(Well, since the play's almost over and I can see a lot of restless Jellicles on the stage...let's just say that Munkurly has to turn himself in for murder. Judge Andeut Carnes decides to hold court right then and there...)

Rumpus: We can't do that. That's breaking the law.

George: If it means the play ending faster, WE CAN.

Jenny: Well, let's not break the law, let's just bend it a little...

Pounce: Like we do with the scripts to these plays?

Jenny: (still in character, not missing a beat) Exactly. C'mon, Andeut, and start the trial. We ain't got but a few minutes.

Rumpus: Andeut, I got to protest.

Old D: Oh, shut yer trap. We can give the tom a fair trial without lockin' him up on his weddin' night! Here's the long and short of it. First I got to ask you: what's your plea? (No answer.) That means, why did you do it?

Munku: Why'd I do it? 'Cuz he'd been pesterin' Jellylaurey and I always said some day I'd....

Old D: Just a minute! Just a minute! Don't let your tongue wobble around in yer mouth like that. Listen to my question. What happened tonight that made you kill him?

Munku: Why, he come at me with his claws drawn and--and--

Old D: And you had to defend yerself, didn't you?

Munku: Why yes--and furthermore...

Old D: Never mind the furthermores, the plea is self-defense. Now, is there a witness who saw this happen?

(All the toms confirm that yes, it was self defense.)

Rumpus: Feel funny about it. Feel funny.

Jenny: And you'll feel funny when I tell yer wife you're carryin' on with another women, won't you?

Rumpus: I ain't carryin' on with no one.

Jenny: Maybe not, but you'll sure feel funny when I tell yer wife you are!

(The other cats are laughing hysterically.)

Rumpus: Laugh all you like, but as a Federal Marshal...

Skimble: Oh, shut up about being a marshal! Just because you broke up the battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles...

Matt: Skimble, did you KNOW that was from the wrong show?

Skimble: Just trying to keep the readers' attention. (back into character) We ain't goin' to let you send the tom to jail on his wedding night. We just ain't goin' to let you. SO SHUT UP!

Pounce: C'mon fellers! Let's pull them to their train in Munkurly's surrey! We'll be the horses!

Old D: Hey wait, I ain't even told the verdict yet...*under his breath* as if you readers didn't know.

Munku: Well, the verdict's not guilty, ain't it?

All: WELL, DUH!

Old D: 'Course, but...

Jelly: Well, then SAY IT!

(Andeut Carnes starts to, but the other cats say it instead.)

All: NOT GUILTY!

Old D: Er...court's adjourned!

(Everyone is so happy about the verdict that we forgot about Will and Bombado Annielurina...who hadn't been around for the impromptu trial...but they show up now.)

Jenny: Why, Bombado Annielurina, where on earth you been?

Bomb: Will and me had a misunderstandin', but he explained it fine. *purrrrrrrr*

(They join the rest of the cats, and we see some pieces of straw hanging from Bombado Annielurina's backside.)

Skimble: Hey there, bride and groom, ya ready?

(Munkurly and Jellylaurey run out of the house.)

Munku: Here we come!

(The cats reprise "Oh, What A Beautiful Mornin'" as Jellylaurey kisses Aunt Jennyeller and is lifted on the surrey alongside Munkurly. The queens all start crying, and four toms--George, Quaxo, Admetus, and Pouncival--pull the surrey off.)

All: (sing) Oh, what a beautiful day!

(Everyone waves at Munkurly and Jellylaurey. They wave back.)

*END OF ACT 2*

Bomb: Thank the Everlasting Cat that one's over!

Munku: Now we can talk like normal cats again!

Misto: And look like normal cats again...well, most of us, anyway...(looks at Tugger, who is still being scoped out by the female kittens, in his cowboy outfit with the tight jeans)

Matt: Just one problem...Macavity is still out cold.

Julie: Matt, join the wrap party. I'll handle this one. (She splashes a bucket of ice water on Macavity.)

Mac: Huh? What the...

Julie: You took a bad hit from Alonzo during the big finale of the play.

Mac: (puts his paws to his midsection, and realizes he's bleeding from the...er, claw cut)

Julie: Don't worry about the cut, Macavity, I'll get some iodine for that...

Mac: No. Please...not the iodine...I've taken some pain in these fics, but please, not the iodine...

Julie: Relax, silly. This stuff is supposed to help you...

Mac: Yeah, but it hurts...

Julie: Just be a good kitty, OK? *applies the iodine to Mac's cut*

Mac: No...please...(reacts to the iodine) MMMMRRRRRROOOOOOOWWWWWWRRRRRR! THAT HURT!

JULIE: You're welcome.

(Macavity stumbles off, hissing up a storm. He doesn't see Alonzo, describing in great detail to some of the queens how he knocked Macavity out. Alonzo is still holding the brick, and using elaborate hand gestures... and Macavity walks straight into the brick yet again.)

Mac: *weakly* Someone call 911...

Cet: Ooohhh Alonzo! You brave tom you!

Alonzo: Hey, it's all in a day's work, little lady.

(He kisses Etcetera, but throws his cowboy hat so that it fades to black and he gets some privacy.)

THE END

Veroni: (walking into the abandoned theater as usual) Great. There's hay everywhere. They had to do a western musical with HAY! Hay is EVERYWHERE! (kicks a pile of the hay which has a rather large lump)

Mac: (who is the lump) HEY!!!!

Veroni: See what I mean?