(When we last left off, Munkusid and Babemeter were in love--but I forgot to mention one key thing--the seven and a half cent raise may jeopardize their relationship because Babemeter is the Grievance Committee and Munkusid is the superintendent. But they kiss anyway.)
POUNCE: I'll take "showbiz relationships" for $100.
SKIMBLE: Not that "Jeopardy", Pounce.
(We go back to the factory, and Preztoffolees enters with a few factory workers.)
MISTO: Mr. Deutler just called. I spoke to him personally. He says he wants to see us tomorrow in his office at noon.
JEMIMA: Does that mean we've won?
TANTOMILE: We've won, we've won! Hooray! (she picks up a tom--George in this case--and squeezes him, nearly breaking his ribs. She lets go and he falls down.) Oh, I'm sorry.
MISTO: Take it easy. Mr. Deutler just wants to talk to us.
EXOTICA: Shouldn't we wait for Babemeter?
JEM: What for? You know who she'll be goin' out with... Mr. Somebody Special.
EXOTICA: Babemeter's all right.
JEM: I didn't say she wasn't, but she sure is busy these days.
TANTI: I don't think a queen should get too emotional over the management.
EXOTICA: Babemeter can take care of herself.
TANTI: (mugs at Preztoffolees, since she was the one he hit on at the picnic after Bombys) The trouble is, when you start falling for a tom, how do you know how far you're going to fall?
(Babemeter enters)
EXOTICA: Hello, Babemeter, we're talkin' about you.
DEM: Why not?
EXOTICA: Are you coming?
DEM: No, I've got a date.
EXOTICA: Have fun.
DEM: I will.
(The other cats except Babemeter take off, and Munkusid comes in. After some more mushy "I love you" dialogue which we'll skip...)
TUMBLE: Thank the Everlasting Cat!
POUNCE: Oh yeah. If you included it, it would turn into another backstage barf-o-rama.
(...anyway, they pledge their love in song.)
POUNCE: Even worse!
MUNKU: (sings)
There once was a tom who loved a queen
She was the one he slew a Pollicle for!
They say that nobody loved as much as he
But meeeeeee, I love you more!
DEM: Tell me!
MUNKU: And there once was a tom who loved a queen
She was the one he gave his kingdom for!
TUMBLE: NO! NO MORE! NO MORE "CATSALOT" REFERENCES!
(I agree with this, so we'll cut to Babemeter's verse)
DEM: There once was a queen who loved a tom!
He was the one that she took poison for!
They say that nobody ever loved as much as she...
But meeeeee, I love you more!
And there once was a queen who loved a tom,
He was the one she swam the Channel for!
VICKY: Oh yeah right! Need we remind you how much cats hate water?
DEM: They say that nobody ever loved as much as she...
But meeeeee, I love you more!
(Anyway, the song goes on like this, and since I really don't want to clean up after vomiting cats again, we'll move to the scene with the meeting between the union and Mr. Deutler to discuss the seven-and-a-half cent raise.)
GRIZ: Well?
JEMI: The Committee is in there talking to Mr. Deutler right now.
GRIZ: I'm steering clear of there! I'll go get my lunch!
EXOTICA: We ate already.
(Grizbel meets up with Babemeter, as the other two queens leave.)
JULIE: Tell me again why you wanted Jemima to play Poopsie...
MATT: Because I heard that's what her humans call her.
JEMI: AND I HATE IT!
(Back on stage...)
GRIZ: Well, Babemeter...
DEM: Howdy, Grizbel.
GRIZ: I hear you and Munkusid make a lovely couple on the dance floor.
(Preztoffolees enters with Tantomile and Tumblebrutus.)
JULIE: More generic parts?
MATT: You said it.
JULIE: So you didn't give them the names in the script?
MATT: You're batting 1,000 today!
(They look really bummed out...guess Mr. Deutler's a tough one to debate with!)
MISTO: Sure thing.
TANTI: I told you we wouldn't get no place.
TUMBLE: Looks like another runaround, Preztoffolees.
MISTO: He's a fighter, he says. What a line.
TANTI: You should have heard him, Babemeter.
(Bombys enters from the office they just left.)
BOMB: Wait a minute, please. Mr. Deutler wants to speak to you again.
TANTI: More soft soap.
MISTO: Now, quiet down.
OLD D: I just want to add one thought. Let's not adjourn with any hard feelings. We want to preserve that fine Sleep Tite spirit.
POUNCE: We already do.
CET: Yeah, Old D, whenever you give a narration or have a long line in one of these parodies.
MISTO: (who has ignored these last smart cracks and continues in character) That's easy to say, Mr. Deutler, but we're not getting anyplace.
TANTI: We're going backwards.
OLD D: I didn't say no. I said "not now".
MISTO: Look, Mr. Deutler, this thing's been draggin' on for months. The help are getting very jumpy. Their patience is about wore out.
OLD D: I want to be fair, but...
MISTO: I'm gonna tell you the plain truth. We know the company is doin' one heck of a business. We don't have no education...
BACKSTAGE CATS: We don't need no thought control
No dark sarcasm in the classroom
Teacher leave them kids alone...
MATT: I can't even begin to tell you how wrong THAT is.
MISTO: ...maybe, but we got eyes and ears!
TANTI: Everybody in the industry has had a seven and a half cents' raise but us.
OLD D: As I said, I want to be fair. That's always been my policy. So I don't give you a yes and I don't give you a no. I say we've got to examine it, and I've got to talk to the baord and that's the way we're going to leave it!
(Deutler and Bombys take off.)
BACKSTAGE CATS: (snoring)
(Old D goes to the tech board again and goes to a button marked "DISCO WHISTLE". A giant "WOOP WOOP" is heard and the cats wake up.)
TUMBLE: Aww man, I was having an awesome dream...Matt said he quit directing.
(Back on stage...)
TANTI: What now, Preztoffolees?
MISTO: Slow down!
TANTI: Atta tom, this is it! (Gong sounds...waking up whatever cats hadn't woken up when Old D hit the disco whistle button.) There's the bell.
(The factory queens enter and go to their machines.)
TUMBLE: We got to get started someplace.
TANTI: (to Babemeter) This is what we've been waiting for.
MISTO: You're in charge of this room, Babemeter. Go to it! (he takes off)
(Babemeter whispers something to one of the factory queens and they all pass it on. Once the word is spread, the girls go about their tasks at a snail's pace. Jones enters, and notices this...)
BUSTOPHER: Something's very wrong here. What's the matter?
JEMI: I guess I'm just overworked or something, Mr. Jones. Ever since lunch I just can't seem to get the hang of it.
(Jones observes the other workers, and they're dragging along...)
BUSTOPHER: Well, I think I get the hang of it, and I'm going to see the superintendent on what's going on around here!
(He exits, and the queens reprise "Racing With The Clock" at a snail's pace. Munkusid and Jones enter.)
MUNKU: All right, queens. Just a minute. Now listen to me. This is a nice little show you're putting on here, but I don't like it. My job is to turn out goods and act in these lame-o fics in fear of being neutered...
MATT: WHERE IS THAT IN THE SCRIPT, MUNKUSTRAP?!
MUNKU: Sorry.
BACKSTAGE TOMS: Hey, ho, let's go!
Hey, ho, let's go!
MATT: No Ramones references in here!
(The queens go back to work at the normal pace, but Babemeter can't take any more, and kicks the machinery, causing it to jam.)
BUSTOPHER: Somebody jammed the line!
POUNCE: OK, that's it, machinery jammed, end of play, let's eat!
VICKY: Is eating all you think about, Pouncival?
POUNCE: I'm a growing cat, I need food!
JENNY: Words eloquently spoken by Bustopher Jones in his youth.
(Back on stage, Munkusid is outraged that the machinery is jammed.)
MUNKU: Who did that?
DEM: I did.
MUNKU: You're fired.
DEM: I AM?!
BACKSTAGE CATS: SHE IS?!
MUNKU: Yes.
DEM: That's fine. First vacation I've had in three years. So long girls.
MUNKU: (to Pounce) Get Gussie. We'll be operating again in fifteen minutes. Now clear out till I call you back.
(Gussie enters with a switch.)
GUS: I've got a fuse and a switch. (The machine suddenly explodes.) BOY! LOOK OUT! DIDJA GET BURNT?!
JELLY: Gus, watch the volume.
GUS: WHAT? I'M SPEAKING IN A NORMAL TONE.
JELLY: Uh, no. I think that loud blast impaired your hearing again.
GUS: I CAN HEAR FINE! WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID AGAIN?
MUNKU: Well, we just blew this scene where I say I got burnt twice...so I'll just sing.
(sings)
Better forget her
Her with her nose in the air
She has you dancing on a string
Break it and she won't care.
Will you take this advice I hand you like a brother?
Or are you not seeing things too clear
Are you too much in love to hear
Is it all going in one ear and out the other?
(END OF ACT 1)
POUNCE: All right! I'm starving!
MATT: No breaks. You guys took enough.
POUNCE: But I'm hungry!
MATT: Well, I've got some leftover tacos from "Rocky Tugger" in the fridge...
POUNCE: Er, never mind. Let's just get Act 2 over with...
(ACT 2)
(The action takes place in a hall. Preztoffolees is speaking before the union members. He goes into a long speech about why cats should be in the Union and fight for their seven-and-a-half cent raise. But before the meeting is adjourned...)
MISTO: Now before we break up we are going to have a little entertainment and I hope you are going to show a special courtesy tonight because a couple of the cutting room toms has got up an act with Bombys Hotchkiss who's from the front office. And if these good cats is good enough to come down here and do this act for us, why the least you can do is not sneak out the back way, like last time. The little number they worked up is something that's right on the nose because it's about getting hot. And fellow Union members, that's what we're doing, getting hot!
(Bombys and two toms--Tugger and Alonzo--come out.)
JULIE: Please, please, please get this right...
BOMB, TUGGER, ALONZO: (sing)
I got...ssssssteam heat
I got...ssssssteam heat
I got...ssssssteam heat
But I need your love to keep away the cold.
I got...ssssssteam heat
I got...ssssssteam heat
I got...ssssssteam heat
But I can't get warm without your paw to hold!
(Juliet is miming the choreography with them from her seat, to make sure they get it right.)
BOMB, TUGGER, ALONZO: (still going smoothly)
The radiator's hissin', still I need your kissin'
To keep me from freezin' each night
I got a hot water bottle
But nothing I got'll
Take the place of you holding me tight
I got...ssssssteam heat
I got...ssssssteam heat
I got...ssssssteam heat
But I need your love to keep away the cold.
TUGGER AND ALONZO: They told me to shovel more coal in the boiler,
They told me to shovel more coal in the boiler,
They told me to shovel more coal in the boiler
BOMB: But that don't do no good.
TUGGER AND ALONZO: They told me to pour some more oil in the burner
They told me to pour some more oil in the burner
They told me to pour some more oil in the burner
BOMB: But that don't do no good.
BOMB, TUGGER, ALONZO: I need you love to keep away the cold, I need your love to keep away the cold.
(They go into a very elaborate jazz dance. All goes well until Alonzo slips and his paw accidentally makes contact with Bombalurina's butt, which Tugger doesn't take too well...)
TUGGER: (growls) I told you, Alonzo, KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF MY QUEEN!
ALONZO: It was an accident!
TUGGER: Accident, my tail! (lunges at him)
ALONZO: You're insane! (lunges at Tugger)
(The two of them fight, hiss, and claw at each other. Bombalurina runs off the stage in a hurry. Juliet is steamed that this happened, and Matt goes and comforts her.)
MATT: See what you did, guys! If you wanted to make Juliet cry, congratulations!
MUNKU: Have you two gone nuts?!
(Tugger and Alonzo are still going at it, when the Great Rumpus Cat appears seemingly out of nowhere. He takes the Tugger and lifts him high above his head, then throws him into Alonzo. Both land with a sickening THUD!)
TUGGER: Owie.
ALONZO: Truce, Tugger?
TUGGER: Ow. Sure. I'm in so much pain right now I forgot what we were fighting about.
MATT: You two better apologize to Juliet and the rest of the cats, or I squirt you with this water gun.
TUGGER and ALONZO: Uh...sorry guys...owwwww...
(Once the Tugger and Alonzo stumble off the stage, we go to the next scene. It's a union meeting at Babemeter's house. Munkusid enters after the union members leave, and he and Babemeter go at it again... and Babemeter is still torn between her union and her love for the supervisor...)
SKIMBLE: Matt, you're in an awful rush to be skipping ahead.
MATT: I've got two more parodies on tap after this one. Excuse me for wanting to crank them out!
(The next scene is back in the factory. A few queens enter, and one enters at top speed.)
RUMPLE: 'Ey, are ya crazy? Slow down!
CASS: Nobody's looking.
RUMPLE: 'Ere comes Jonesy.
CASS: Oh, excuse me.
BUSTOPHER: I HATE QUEENS, that's what I do! Especially young flibberty gibbets! Queens! You are a disgrace to my training!
RUMPLE AND CASS: Oh!
BUSTOPHER: You are hurting my feelings.
RUMPLE: Aoowww, Mr. Jaones, we didn't mean to 'urt your feelin's.
JELLY: Oh, I'm sorry.
CASS: It's nothing personal, Mr. Jones. Nice Mr. Jones.
BUSTOPHER: It cuts, it cuts. I have a notion to throw away my stopwatch and give up.
MATT: Psst! We need more factory queens...
JULIE: Uh, most of them all have parts...
MATT: I know how to solve this...(breaks out a skirt and blonde wig) Oh Pounce...
(Back on stage...)
CASS: Oh no, please don'tdo that.
FACTORY QUEENS (including Pouncival, who has reluctantly dressed in drag and was seen being shoved onto the stage while Bustopher was talking) Oh, no, Jonesy!
POUNCE: This is so humiliating.
RUMPLE: We'd let you train us all over again.
(The salesman, Coricomax, enters with a box of pajamas.)
CORI: Where's Mr. Deutler?
BUSTOPHER: I thought you were in Peoria.
CORI: I ask for Mr. Deutler and I get Peoria. Don't tell me you're part of this slowdown. Never mind, I'll find him. (he walks off)
BUSTOPHER: Did you hear that?
RUMPLE: 'E seemed awfully upset.
BUSTOPHER: To accuse me of a slowdown...
CASS: Oh, not you.
POUNCE: (in a high-pitched female voice) You wouldn't do that!
BUSTOPHER: ...a tom who has lived his life by the clock!
CASS: We're sorry, Mr. Jones. We'll be good.
RUMPLE: We're sorry.
BUSTOPHER: (sings)
I'm a time study tom
And a time study tom can't waste time
For a time study tom to waste time
Is a crime--so I'm ruled by the tick tick tock and I live my life by the clock!
I live my life by the tick tick tock of the clock!
When I go to sleep I don't undress
Oh yes, I sleep in all my clothes, I must confess
You say a strange way to behave
Well I will admit the suit gets mussed
And it gathers lint and it picks up dust
But think of the time I save!
(Speaking of saving time, let's jump ahead to the next scene.)
BUSTOPHER: But I was going to dance again!
POUNCE: Forget it. We don't have earthquake insurance.
BUSTOPHER: Why, you insolent whippersnapper...
(It's in Munkusid's office. Grizbel and Munkusid are chatting when Mr. Deutler enters.)
GRIZ: Good morning, Mr. Deutler.
OLD D: A showdown like this proves what I've said for years. Nobody is interested in work!
MATT AND JULIE: No comment!
GRIZ: That's right.
OLD D: The whole country is on the skids. All they want is a handout. Here I am right now with employees openly defiant of top management.
MUNKU: Look, Mr. Deutler. Maybe if we offered a compromise.
OLD D: Not until there's ice in the fell three feet thick. I'm a fighter, Strapokin.
MUNKU: We've got hundreds of orders to get out...
GRIZ: That's right, Mr. Deutler. Here's a letter from Marx and Klein over to Fort Wayne, Indiana.
OLD D: Marx and Klein? Darn chain outfit. Darned Communists! Want another price cut, I suppose.
GRIZ: Well, they say--
OLD D: Now Grizbel, don't stand there and try to tell me about Marx and Klein. I've been dealing with them for twenty years.
GRIZ: But Mr. Deutler..they say...
(Before she can finish her sentence, Coricomax enters.)
CORI: I've been looking for you, Mr. Deutler!
OLD D: Why aren't you out on the territory? What are you doing here?
CORI: Because of what happened in Peoria.
(Jones enters.)
BUSTOPHER: The elevator's stuck.
CORI: Hey, you, Jones, what size are you?
POUNCE: Those who have been paying attention have a good idea!
CARB: Yeah. Size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL.
BUSTOPHER: Size? Me? What is this? The elevator is stuck.
CORI: (trying to stifle a laugh as he says this line) You look like a medium. I need you.
(he opens the pajamas)
OLD D: What on earth is going on around here?
CORI: Take your pants off.
BUSTOPHER: I'll do no such thing!
BACKSTAGE CATS: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!
CORI: Mr. Deutler, this is life and death to the Sleep Tite organization. I want him to model these pajamas.
OLD D: Jones, take your pants off!
BACKSTAGE CATS: AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
BUSTOPHER: OK, Chief! Me, honest?
CORI: Come on, come on.
GRIZ: Oh, what a day.
BUSTOPHER: I'm a very busy tom. I have no time for this sort of nonsense. I'm a time study tom, not a model.
CORI: This is all for Sleep Tite, mister.
OLD D: Jones, put those pajamas on!
BUSTOPHER: OK, Chief.
(Well, since I don't want to make anyone nauseous with the idea of a half-naked fat cat, and because Bustopher ripped the medium-sized pajamas when he put them on, we'll just say that the buttons in the bottoms weren't sewn on well and they all pop off. This, Coricomax reveals, happened when he was giving a sales pitch, which isn't exactly too cool. And to top it all off, Bombys walks in, with Jonesy in an uncompromising position...)
OLD D: Cute. Sabotage. Open rebellion!
BUSTOPHER: On the other hand, it might be just coincidence.
OLD D: Oh, put on your pants!
TUMBLE: Right on, Old D!
BOMB: What did you do, Vernon? (helps him put his pants on)
BUSTOPHER: I didn't do anything. Keep your hands off.
MUNKU: (on the phone) Gimme the stock room.
CORI: I'll be the laughing stock of the pajama game.
(Jonesy has got his pants on, but backwards. He takes them off, and Bombys tries to help him...)
BUSTOPHER: I can do it MYSELF!
(Anyway, Mr. Deutler is madder than a wet hen...or a wet cat, in this case.)
OLD D: They think they can lick Myron Deutler with this sort of trickery they got another guess coming. I'm a fighter. Darn Communists! JONES! Get dressed, you idiot. I want a time report on each individual worker.
(Anyway, everybody takes off soon after, Jones leaving with his shirt cuff caught in his pants zipper. Munkusid tries to reason with Mr. Deutler...)
MUNKU: Mr. Deutler...I'd like to make a pitch.
OLD D: Pitch? All right. Pitch ahead.
MUNKU: Before we get started, let me make my position clear. I'm for the company, first, last, and always. But labor problems have got to end up in one way... compromise.
MAC: Here's a compromise...we end the play right here, we walk off happy, and Matt ends up with his head on a platter because Veroni is upset that he didn't succeed in finishing this off.
MATT: A likely scenario, Macavity. What's next...you getting Demeter back?
(Everyone laughs, including Macavity, until he realizes the joke is about him.)
OLD D: Strapokin, you've been around here long enough to learn something. But you seem a little slow. I'M A FIGHTER! Keep your dukes up, boy!
MUNKU: Yes, but...
OLD D: Don't waste your breath on me. Keep your dukes up.
(He leaves, and Bombys enters. Munkusid wants Bombys' information about the books at the factory so he can settle this labor dispute, but to get the key to the information, he has to do one thing...take Bombys out to dinner....)
BOMB: Where will you take me?
MUNKU: I know a wonderful joint.
BOMB: (sings)
I know a dark secluded place
A place where no one knows your face
A glass of wine, a fast embrace,
It's called Hernando's Hideaway! OLE!
All you see are silhouettes
And all you hear are castanets
And no one cares how late it gets
Not at Hernando's Hideaway! OLE!
(Munkusid and Bombys tango)
BOMB: At the Golden Fingerbowl or any place you go
You will meet your Uncle Max and everyone you know
But when you're sitting close to me
You may take my heart
You may take my soul
But not my key
Just knock three times and whisper low
That you and I were sent by Joe
Then strike a match and you will know
You're in Hernando's Hideaway! OLE!
(The office fades away and we see the restaurant in question with a giant neon sign. Two cats--in this case it's Juliet and myself, since the other cats have parts that are spoken for--reprise the song.)
TUMBLE: Now doesn't this just beat all?
POUNCE: I just love to watch them sing and dance!
(Anyway, Babemeter, Preztoffolees, and some others show up at the restaurant, and Munkusid manages to get the key to the books. Jonesy approaches, trying to make up with Bombys for his pants removal, but gets nowhere.)
(The next scene is Munkusid at the office reading Bombys's books...Gussie enters, still hard of hearing.)
GUS: MUNKUSID!
MUNKU: Morning, Gussie.
GUS: THERE'S A COMMITTEE FROM THE UNION DOWNSTAIRS WAITING TO SEE YOU!
MUNKU: Yeah, I sent for them.
GUS: YOU BEEN HERE ALL NIGHT?
MUNKU: That's no joke, Gussie, I have. (picks up the phone) I'd like to speak to Mr. Deutler, please. (To Gussie) And what's more, I think I've got something.
CET: I've got something too...that "Hernando's Hideaway" song stuck in my head!
GUS: TAKE IT EASY, BOY.
MUNKU: (on the phone) Mr. Deutler, could you come down to the office right away? (knock on door) Come in. (on the phone) It's pretty important. Thanks. (The door opens, and Preztoffolees, Babemeter, and a factory tom--Tumblebrutus--enter. Munkusid promises to settle the dispute at the union parade. He also makes up with Babemeter.)
MUNKU: Meet me after the rally.
DEM: I can't. I have a date.
MUNKU: Well, that's that.
DEM: I'll break it.
(Bombys enters, all frantic.)
BOMB: Munkusid, I've got to warn you, Vernon's not fooling this time. We've been at it all night. We've been screaming and yelling and now everywhere I go he's following me.
MUNKU: Just calm yourself, I'll fix everything, Bombys. I'll take him aside and tell him the whole story. In the meantime, here's your key back.
BOMB: Listen. I thought I heard something!
(A knife is thrown offstage by Macavity, barely missing Munkusid.)
MUNKU: YOU MANIAC! The fool! Jonesy, you fool...Whew!
BOMB: I told you I heard something.
MUNKU: You heard something, all right. Well I'm glad he's got that out of his system.
BOMB: How do we know that he has? How do we know--
MUNKU: Now Bombys, cut it out. It's going to be all right. Now you...
(Another knife is thrown offstage. It lands in Munkusid's desk.)
BOMB: You've got to stop him!
MUNKU: I'll fix that baby! (he goes for a window opener to use as a club. Deutler enters the office.)
OLD D: I hope this call turns out to be important--(he sees Bombys sobbing and Munkusid with the window opener.) What's going on here? Look! Look! THat's not nice! I don't like this. (pointing to the desk with the knife) This is company property, Strapokin.
MUNKU: I'd better explain, Mr. Deutler...
OLD D: I think somebody better...
(Another knife is thrown. Deutler is convinced gangsters want to murder him, but it's really just Jonesy and a Union rally outside that he's hearing...)
VERONI: COFFEE BREAK!
MUNKU: At last!
POUNCE: That wasn't a song cue, was it?
VERONI: Perish the thought.. though I am trying to get you guys back in the right mood to go finish H2$.
POUNCE: I knew she was being WAY to nice.
This author does not own "The Pajama Game" or claim to have any connection with it. No profit has been made in the
creation of this fic, so please don't sue us!
This fic is © Matt
