Delilah: Okay, folks, we're on the homestretch.
Mungo: (half-heartedly) Yay.
Delilah: Well, I thought you'd be more enthusiastic than that.
Mungo: Samson told us tha' there's one more scene added from th' book.
Cass: And that it involves a torture chamber.
Rheow: Kinky!
Pounce: Torture, really? Gee this could be interesting!
Etc: Sickos!
Delilah: Sam, you and I are going to have a long talk when this fic is over.
Samson: Uh oh...
Exotica: To continue, Munkustrap has catnapped Victoria once again and is taking her back to his house on the subterranean lake.
Munkustrap: Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair!
Down we plunge to the prison of my mind!
Down that path into darkness deep as...(glances at Jenny) er, heck?
(all groan)
Munkustrap: (to Victoria) Why, you ask, was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place?
Victoria: Actually, I didn't ask...
Munkustrap: Not for any mortal sin, but the wickedness of my abhorrent face!
Mob: (offstage, everyone who doesn't have to be in the final scene)
Track down this murderer! He must be found!
Munkustrap: Hounded out by everyone.
Met with hatred everywhere.
No kind word from anyone.
No compassion anywhere.
Victoria, Victoria, why? Why?
Sonia: (clutches knee, wails mockingly) Why?! Why?!
Delilah: You can quit it with the Nancy Kerrigan impressions anytime.
Exotica: The scene switches to the cellars of the opera house as the Persian, or in this case the Siamese, leads Mungojerrie to the Phantom's lair.
Cass: Your paw at the level of your eyes. Always at the level of your eyes.
Mungo: But me arm is gettin' tired.
Cass: Then switch paws and stop whining. This is a matter of life or death! If he doesn't approach us from behind, which is more likely, we'll always know him by his glowing eyes.
GRC: Oh, not again!
Delilah: Don't worry, I won't be needing you for that anymore.
GRC: Thank the Heaviside!
Exotica: As the Siamese speaks, a fantastic fiery face comes into view. It sheds light, looking into the darkness like a face-shaped flame.
Tom: Descriptive prose courtesy of Leroux, by the way.
Delilah: Thank you, Tom.
Tom: Any time.
Mungo: Blimey! What th' 'eck issat?
Cass: I don't know! I've never seen it before. It's not Munkustrap, but he may have sent it. Come on; let's get out of here!
Several toms: Run away! Run away!
Sonia: Hey! A Monty Python reference.
Skimble: And here I thought we would be safe from those in your fics.
Delilah: (annoyed) Well, it wasn't my idea...
Exotica: As indicated by our smart arse peanut gallery, Mungojerrie and the Siamese run from the fiery face until they come to a dead-end, and there they turn to find it almost on top of them, accompanied by a screeching, grating noise. And then a voice.
Admetus: Don't move! I'm the rat-catcher.
Jelly: Ah, I see you found a part for Admetus after all.
Admetus: (aside, grumbles) Yeah, I'm so thrilled.
(aloud) Let me pass with my rats.Several hungry Cats: Rats? Where?
Macavity: Hey! Aren't those my rats? What are you blokes doing working for Delilah now?
Rat: She pays with good cheese.
Another rat: Yeah, Gouda cheese!
Rheow: Hey, I'd work for cheese any day!
Macavity: Urgh!
Delilah: Lighten up, Mac. I only borrowed them for this one scene. And Admetus has been taking good care of them. Haven't you, Admetus?
Admetus: Let's put it this way. If I hadn't stuffed myself with cheesecake during the last break, I'd be having a little rat pate` right now.
Rats: Eek!
Pounce: So that's what happened to all the cheesecake!
Delilah: Let's continue, please.
Cass: Wait a tick. I want to know why the rat-catcher has a face of fire.
Tumble: So he can scare you out of your fur?
Delilah: No. Show them how you do it, Admetus.
Admetus: Like this. (directs the light from his lantern up at his face) It's to keep from spooking the rats.
Bomb: Like you didn't spook them already with that comment about the rat pate`.
Admetus: The bright light spooks them, too. See. (shines the light at the rats and they all scatter)
Delilah: Admetus! Now they'll be all over the pub and in the pantry!
Macavity: Not to worry. Sonia and I will find them all.
Tugger: Yeah, I bet you will.
Sonia: We'd better get started, Mac. We have a lot of rats to catch, if you get my drift.
Macavity: Mrowr!
Delilah: Behave, you two!
Macavity: Behave?
Sonia: Where's the fun in that?
(Macavity and Sonia exit)
Exotica: So anyway, having been frightened away by the rat-catcher, Mungojerrie and the Siamese retrace their steps and eventually come to a trap door which Cassandra believes leads into the Phantom's house on the lake.
Mungo: You believe it leads into 'is 'ouse? Don't you know?
Cass: Well, I've never actually been this far, y'see. Munkustrap doesn't encourage uninvited guests. Let's try it anyway.
Exotica: They drop through the trap door, Cassandra going first and Mungojerrie landing on top of her.
Cass: Oof! Watch it, you big oaf!
Mungo: Well, why didn' you get ou' o' th' way? (as they untangle themselves) And why is i' so dark in 'ere?
Cass: Don't get your tail in a knot. And keep your voice down. He might hear us.
Sillabub: Who?
Electra: Who do you think?
Pounce: (mocking) He's there, the Phantom of the Opera!
Cass: (glaring at the kittens) Let's see what kind of room we're in. (looks around by the dim light of her lantern) Hmm, six walls, all covered with mirrors. A hexagon. And there's a tree in one corner. (examines it) Not a real one; it's made of iron. And what do you know? Here's the Punjab lasso at the base of the tree.
Mungo: Are you sure we're in the Phantom's 'ouse? What would 'e wan' wit' a six-sided, mirrored room wit' a false tree in?
Cass: (growing agitation) Oh, we're in the right place. That is, we're in the Phantom's house, but we're in entirely the wrong place to do any rescuing. We've dropped into Munkustrap's torture chamber!
Mungo: (looks around skeptically) 'Ow is this place a torture chamber?
Pounce: Yeah!
Cass: (hissing whisper) If you don't keep your voice down you may soon find out! Listen!
Munk's voice: (from the other side of one wall) You must make your choice! The wedding mass or the requiem mass.
Vic's voice: (from the same place) Um, who's requiem?
Munkustrap: Everyone's!
(pause)
Victoria: Ah, can I have a little time to think about it?
Munkustrap: You have until eleven o'clock tomorrow evening to make your decision. The requiem mass is not at all pleasant, but the wedding mass is magnificent, if I do say so myself.
Tugger: For someone with supposedly low self-esteem, he sure does think a lot of himself and his music.
Delilah: Well, he's a genius and he knows it.
Munkustrap: Why are you still afraid of me? I'm not really wicked.
Victoria: Oh, sure...
Munkustrap: I'm not! Love me and you'll see! All I've ever wanted was to be loved for myself. If you loved me I would be so gentle you could do anything you want with me.
Demeter: (in tears) Oh, that's so sad! I love you, Munkus! I'll love you for always.
Munkustrap: I know you do, Demi. I love you, too.
Rheow: (gags) I'm starting to think that they're going to play Celine Dion songs any moment . . .
Delilah: Eeerrgh! Not in my fic!
Exotica: Munkustrap's heart-wrenching entreaty is interrupted by the sound of an electric bell.
Munkustrap: (annoyed) Who has come calling now? Wait here while I tell the siren to open the door. (door slams as he leaves the room)
Mungo: (whispered to Cassandra) Wha' did 'e mean by tha'?
Cass: Somebody must be trying to cross the lake. That cat will soon be dead, drowned by the siren who sings from the lake bottom. Which is why we didn't come by that route.
Mungo: No, we just come in by way o' th' torture chamber instead.
Cass: Well, we're not dead, are we? And now Victoria is alone so she can let us out.
Mungo: Right. (shouts) Vicky! Vicky, it's me, Mungo! Let us out before Munkustrap comes back.
Victoria: Let you out? Where are you?
Mungo: In th' torture chamber with th' Siamese. 'Urry and let us out.
Victoria: How'm I supposed to do that?
Cass: Don't you know where the door is?
Victoria: Yes, but...
Cass and Mungo: Then open it!
Victoria: I can't! Munkustrap has me tied up.
(Cassandra and Mungojerrie groan)
Rheow: Goodness! That is kinky! (looks around at staring cast) What? Can't a cat say "kinky!" anymore without getting weird looks?
Samson: I think it might be the way you say it…
Delilah: Continuing on…
Victoria: Oops! Here he comes again.
Munkustrap: (entering) Why do cats feel they must cross my lake and bother me? Do I ask them the time of day? No! Well, that pretty little countess won't be bothering anyone ever again.
Teazer: Er, does tha' mean wha' I think i' means?
Samson: That you just got bumped off? Yes, it does.
Teazer: An' I didn' even ge' a death scene!
Alonzo: Be thankful for small favours, dear.
Exotica: Meanwhile, back at the plot...
Munkustrap: Who were you talking to just now, Victoria?
Victoria: Er, the voices in my head?
Munkustrap: As plausible as that seems, I don't believe you. Is there someone in the torture chamber?
Victoria: (innocently) What torture chamber?
Munkustrap: Over here. Come and see. (pause) Oh, sorry, I guess I need to untie you first.
Victoria: It would help...
Munkustrap: There we go, all free. Now just come up these steps, my dear, and look through this little window while I turn on the light.
Exotica: As he speaks the torture chamber is suddenly flooded with light and heat.
Cass and Mungo: Yow!
Exotica: The lone iron tree is reflected many times on the six mirrored walls, giving the room the appearance of an African forest.
Plato: That must be some trick.
Mistoff: Hmmph. It's just a light and mirrors trick. Anyone could do it.
Admetus: Yeah, but it would take a really twisted genius to think of it.
Munkustrap: (dryly) How flattering.
Delilah: Continue...
Munkustrap: (gleeful) Well, look who we have here: the Viscount de Chagny, whose sister just drowned in my lake.
Mungo: (growls) An' tha's jus' one more score we need t' set'le, Munkustrap.
Munkustrap: And who's that with him? Why it's my old friend the Siamese daroga!
Cass: What did you call me, Munkus?!
Munkustrap: I have no idea; I'm just reading my lines.
Delilah: (tiredly) Daroga is a Persian word for policeman and is a nickname that the Phantom had for the Persian. Nothing offensive at all.
Pounce: Oh, darn.
Rheow: And people look at me weirdly for saying "kinky"?
Munkustrap: Hello, Cassandra. Long time, no see.
Cass: (severely) Munkustrap, release us! Remember that I saved your life...
Mungo: (startled) You did? Why? How?
Cass: By allowing him to escape from the Sultan's palace in Persia where he would have been executed for what he knew. I took pity on him...
Munkustrap: Yes, you did. And as my thank you I'm going to let you spend some time in this lovely African jungle. Enjoy!
Tumble: Nice cat, huh?
Victoria: Munkustrap, please let them out.
Munkustrap: Now, you shouldn't try to deprive them of their little safari. Let's leave them alone.
Victoria: But...
Munkustrap: Come, my dear.
(door slams, then silence)
Mungo: Well, now wha'?
Cass: Er, I guess we have to find our own way out. There's probably a trapdoor around here somewhere; I just have to find the catch.
Mungo: (picking up the Punjab lasso) Why would th' Phantom leave this in 'ere?
Cass: It's to hang yourself with when you get tired of the torture.
Mungo: 'Ow considerate.
Etcetera: But what's the torture? I'm confused.
GRC: (quietly) What else is new?
Delilah: The torture is the optical illusion. It looks and feels like they're in a sweltering jungle. Eventually the heat will addle their minds enough that they'll forget it is an illusion. Since there's no escape, the victims will eventually decide to take their own lives instead of dying slowly from exposure and dehydration, for which purpose they are conveniently provided with a Punjab lasso and a nice, sturdy tree.
Jelly: Diabolical!
Rheow: Sadistically twisted!
Munkustrap: Yeah. Makes me glad that Macavity's out of the room right now.
Skimble: We certainly don't want to give him any ideas...
Exotica: Time passes as Cassandra meticulously goes over each mirrored panel looking for a hidden door while Mungojerrie watches her. After a while the oppressive heat begins to get to them both.
Mungo: Will you 'urry up and ge' us out of 'ere before we fry? It's your fault we're 'ere in th' firs' place.
Cass: (turns and takes a step toward him) My fault? If I hadn't come with you, you probably would have tried to come via the lake and you'd be at the bottom of it right now.
Mungo: Wha's th' difference? We're gonna die 'ere anyway.
Cass: (turning back to mirrors) Just be quiet and let me find...wait a minute, where did I leave off? Oh, drat you! You made me lose my place!
Mungo: (weakly) It's easy t' ge' los' in th' jungle. (kicks at the "grass") Oww!
Cass: Now what's the matter?
Mungo: (holding one back paw while hopping up and down on the other) I kicked somethin' 'ard. Ooh, tha' stings!
Cass: (eagerly) Where? Where was it?
Mungo: (points) Abou' there, I think.
Cass: (searches then looks up with a smile) This is it! You found the catch!
Mungo: Well, get us out of 'ere already.
Exotica: Cassandra pulls the catch and a door opens in one wall, causing the pseudo jungle to fade away. They hurry out into a small bedroom. Faintly through a closed door in the opposite wall they can hear an organ playing.
Cass: I think you'll find your quarry behind that door.
Electra: Gee, ya think?
Delilah: Shh!
Mungo: Ain't you comin' wit' me?
Cass: No, I'd only be in the way. I'll stay here, but if you need help feel free to scream.
Mungo: (uncertain) Right.
Exotica: We now switch scenes to the room with the huge pipe organ. Munkustrap sits at the organ while Victoria fusses at him from the little sofa next to the music box.
Victoria: Have you gorged yourself at last in your lust for blood?
Am I now to be prey to your lust for flesh?
Tumble: And can we watch?
Jenny: Tumblebrutus!
Munkustrap: (coldly) That fate which condemns me to wallow in blood
Has also denied me the joys of the flesh.
Plato: Do we really need to hear about your love life, Munkus?
Pouncival: Yeah, just because Demi doesn't put out, doesn't mean we want to hear about it.
Demeter: (livid) You mind our own business, Pouncival! (to Munkustrap, who is shaking with silent rage) Pay no attention to them, darling. They're only jealous.
Alonzo: Deep breaths, Munkus. We gotta keep going if we're ever going to get this fic over with.
Munkustrap: (still trembling a little) This face which earned a mother's fear and loathing,
A mask my first unfeeling scrap of clothing...
All: Awww!
Tom: (quiet) Before a diaper even?
Munkustrap: (walking to Victoria) Pity comes too late!
Turn around and face your fate;
An eternity of this before your eyes.
Demeter: I could easily live with an eternity of Munkustrap before my eyes...
Victoria: (stands and faces Munkustrap) This haunted face holds no horror for me now.
It's in your soul that the true distortion lies.
Tantomile: Score one for Victoria.
Munkustrap: (looking over Victoria's shoulder) Wait, I think, my dear, we have a guest!
(to Mungojerrie, who has just entered) Sir, this is indeed an unparalleled delight!
(pulls Victoria behind him) I had rather hoped that you would come.
And now, my wish comes true; you have truly made my night!
Tom: Look out. Dramatic dialogue coming up in great quantities...
Mungo: (aside) Why do I 'ave t' do all th' stupid mellow-dramatics?
(aloud) Free 'er!Do wha' you like only free 'er!
Munkustrap: What I like? You don't even want to know...
Mungo: Have you no pity?
Munkustrap: (to Victoria) Your lover makes a passionate plea.
Victoria: Please, Mungo, it's useless. This cat is completely round the twist.
Mungo: I love 'er!
Does tha' mean nothin'?
Munkustrap: Absolutely!
Mungo: I love 'er!
Show some compassion!
Munkustrap: (furious) The world showed no compassion to me!
Etc: He has a point there...
Mungo: (whispered) Shut it, Etcy.
(aloud) Vicky, Vicky...Le' me see 'er!Munkustrap: (stepping aside) Be my guest, sir.
Mistoff: (sings) Be…our…guest! Be our guest. Put our service to the test…
Delilah: Please! No Disney in my pub!
Munkustrap: (as Victoria and Mungojerrie move to each other) Monsieur, I bid you welcome.
Did you think that I would harm her?
Why should I make her pay
For the sins which are yours?
Mungo: Wha' sins? Urk!
Exotica: As Munkustrap spoke he withdrew another Punjab lasso from his cloak and now snares Mungojerrie with it.
Munkustrap: (mocking) Order your fine horses now!
Raise up your paw to the level of your eyes!
Coricopat: Looks like it's too late for that...
Munkustrap: Nothing can save you now, except perhaps Victoria.
(to Victoria) Start a new life with me,
Buy his freedom with your love.
Refuse me and you send your lover to his death!
This is the choice...
Victoria: Some choice...
Munkustrap: This is the point of no return!
Victoria: The tears I might have shed for your dark fate
Grow cold and turn to tears of hate!
Mungo: (strained because of the lasso) Vicky, forgive me, please forgive me,
I did i' all for you...
Delilah: Stop! I can't stand the melodramatics anymore!
Mungo: Yer not th' only one...
Delilah: And they're about to start singing all different words to different melodies that don't particularly go...I hate that!
Tom: Exotica, please condense.
Exotica: Right. So the Phantom sings about the point of no return, Mungojerrie begs Victoria not to throw away her life for his...
Female kittens: (dreamy) How noble...
Rheow: How melodramatic and silly . . .
Bomb: And all that while being strangled by the Punjab lasso.
Teazer: Pret'y good, tha'.
Exotica: ...and Victoria bemoans how she was betrayed by the so-called Angel of Music.
Victoria: You deceived me! I gave my mind blindly.
Munkustrap: You try my patience. Make your choice!
Victoria: (moving to face Munkustrap) Pitiful creature of darkness,
What kind of life have you known?
Munkustrap: Finally, some sympathy for this poor cat...
Victoria: Everlasting Cat give me courage to show you,
You are not alone.
Jelly: (sings) When you walk through the storm, hold your head up high...
Jenny: (loudly singing) And you'll never walk alone!
Delilah: I hardly need to say "wrong show" do I?
Skimble: No, we'll take it as read.
Exotica: To the surprise of most, Victoria kisses the Phantom, and from that we are meant to assume that it turns him all around and makes him realize that he must release her if he truly loves her.
Pouncival: Yeah, right...
Munkustrap: If you truly love someone, you must be willing to let her go...
Rheow: If you love someone, set them freeeeeeeeee . . .
Admetus: (paws over ears) Ack! Someone shut her up!
Delilah: Ah, Rhee…
Rheow: Okay, sorry.
Exotica: And he also releases Mungojerrie.
Electra: While he's at it.
Cass: (poking her head in from the next room) Excuse me. I hate to interrupt this touching scene, but an unruly mob is approaching and you might want to split before they get here.
Mob 1: (offstage) Track down this murderer, he must be found!
Munkustrap: (to Victoria and Mungojerrie) Take her, forget all of this.
Mob 2: (offstage) Who is this monster, this murdering beast?
Munkustrap: Leave me alone, forget all you've seen.
Mob 1: Hunt out this animal who runs to ground!
Munkustrap: Go now, don't let them find you!
Mob 2: Revenge for Tugger! Revenge for Skimble!
Munkustrap: Take the boat, leave me here, go now, don't wait!
Mob 1: Too long he's preyed on us, but now we know...
Munkustrap: Just take her and go before it's too late!
Mob 2: This creature must never go free!
Munkustrap: Go!
Full mob: The Phantom of the Opera is there deep down below!
Munkustrap: Go now! Go now and leave me!
Exotica: As Victoria and Mungojerrie hurry out to the boat, the monkey music box begins playing the Masquerade tune.
Munkustrap: (singing quietly) Masquerade, paper faces on parade.
Masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you.
(to Cassandra, who is still there) I am dying now, dying of love. She kissed me! Tenderly and of her own free will. I have never felt the touch of a female's lips before, not even from my own mother.
Cass: (apprehensive) Well, that's all very nice, but shouldn't we be getting out of here?
Munkustrap: You can go. I will stay here and die.
Cass: (shrugs) Suit yourself.
Munkustrap: (fortissimo) It's over now, the music oooofff theeeee niiiiiigghht!
Sillabub: Wow! Great breath control, Munkus.
Delilah: Exotica, finish it up.
Exotica: Cassandra beats feet and Munkustrap sits down at the organ, wrapping his cloak around himself. Just as the angry mob comes in he folds in on himself and disappears.
Gus: Clever trick.
Exotica: As the mob begins tearing up the house looking for the Phantom, Etcetera goes over to the organ and picks up Munkustrap's mask in her little paw.
All: Ooh, Kodak moment!
Delilah: And that's it. That's the end.
(Cats cheer)
Delilah: Please make sure to turn in all props and costumes. And thank you, Rheow, for coming.
Rheow: My pleasure.
Delilah: (looking around) Hey, where are our hero and heroine?
Tugger: (peeking through the scrim curtain, quietly) If you mean Vic and Mungo, they're backstage snogging in that little boat.
Delilah: Ah. And where do you suppose Macavity and Sonia are?
Samson: Probably snogging in the pantry.
Munkustrap: I feel overdue for a little snogging myself. What do you say, Demi?
Demeter: Mrowr!
Delilah: Oh well, I guess we'll leave them to it. So long, guys. Until next time...
All: Next time? Argh!
"The Phantom of the Opera" is a work by Andrew Lloyd Webber and belongs to him and The Really Useful Company. This parody is just some harmless fun and no copywrite infringement is intended.
This fic is © Delilah
