The Rocky Tugger Picture Show--2

Veroni: So... you all ready to head back to work?

Tugger: (slurping a Slush Puppie) Must we?

Veroni: Well, I have a new idea for a parody involving---

Mac: I think I hear Matt calling Tug... C'MON!

Veroni: I knew that would do the trick.

When we last left off, Mungoeddie had been "killed" by Dr. Big Mac N. Furters...well, actually he had been dragged off by Plato and Coricopat, since the two of them opted to have a fight instead.

Mungo: Ow. Last time Oi pick a foight with him! Blimey.

(So anyway, Mungoeddie is out of the picture...)

Mac: One from the vaults. (turns to Rocky Tugger) Oh baby, don't be upset...it was a mercy killing.

Alonzo: Have mercy on US and end this stupid thing!

Matt: Alonzo, watch your mouth or you won't be in the next parody.

Alonzo: You mean it?

Matt: Well, if you think of it more as a reward than a punishment...

Alonzo: *gulp*

MAC: He had a certain naive charm, but no muscle...OH!

(He reprises the Charles Meowtlas song, and Rocky carries Mac into the "bridal suite". The cats play the Wedding March on vacuum cleaner hoses.)

Cats: Mac and Rocky, rah rah rah! Mac and Rocky, rah rah rah!

Tugger: Jeez, Macavity, how much do you weigh, anyway?

Mac: Just be glad I'm not Bustopher, pretty boy.

(We go back to Old D in the study.)

Old D: There are those who say that life is an illusion, and that reality is but a figment of the imagination...

Tumble: ...and there are those who say that the end of this play is an illusion, and that we are using our imaginations to think of demented ways to get back at the director for making us do this.

Old D: AHEM!

Tumble: Sor-ry!

Old D: If this is so, then Brad and Jellnet are quite safe...

Other Cats: GET ON WITH IT!

Old D: All right! Basically, they're a bit weirded out that Dr. Mac and Rocky ran off to the bridal suite and cut the party short, and they went to their separate rooms.

Jelly: (reading script) I am NOT doing this.

Matt: Come on, Jellylorum! You have to...it's all in acting!

Jelly: Yes, but "conservative girls" do NOT do THIS...not before they're married, anyway. If that one actress could quit Les Miz because being Fantine didn't sit with her (something I should've done for Cat Miserables), I can too. SMELL YA!

Matt: Oh boy. Er, Bombalurina, could you play Janet? I think you're a bit more open to this.

Bomb: Great! I'm in heat anyway.

Skimble: I hope Macavity and Tugger know that.

Matt: Let's not tell them. This'll ROCK!

Skimble: You really are a twisted cat.

(Well, since we already blew a PG rating, let's just say that Mac goes into Brad and Jellnet...)

Bomb: HEY! I'm not Jellylorum!

Matt: Yeah, but you're her understudy. So the name stays.

Bomb: *hisses*

(...Mac goes into both Brad and Jellnet's rooms, disguises himself as Jellnet in Brad's room and Brad in Jellnet's room and...well...uh...you know.)

Mac: AUGH! You didn't tell me that THAT was part of the role! And Bombalurina was like a wild cat!

Matt and Skimble: *suppress a giggle*

(Anyhow, Riff-Rumpus disrupts this by telling Dr. Mac that Rocky Tugger has tried to escape. However, Dr. Mac's henchcats catch him and bring him back.)

(After the encounter, Jellnet is walking around the castle when she hears a moaning. It's a rather beat-up Rocky Tugger.)

Bomb: Oh, but you're hurt! Did they do this to you? Here, I'll dress your wounds...

(she removes part of her slip to use as bandages...but since she IS in heat...)

(We go back to Old D's study.)

Old D: Emotion, agitation or disturbance of the mind...

Lec: ...is what our director must be feeling to have us do this stupid fic.

Old D: (continues) Vehement or excited mental state. It is also a powerful and irrational master...and from what Magriza and Colrumplia saw on their television monitor there seemed little doubt that, er...Jellnet was, in fact, its slave.

(Cut to Colrumplia's room.)

Griz and Rumple: Tell us about it, Jellnet.

(Anyways, Jellnet...who is now being played by Bombalurina...)

Jelly (from the catbox): And she can HAVE it!

(...sings a song about her desire to be satisfied in ways that if I described them, would blow a PG rating and corrupt the minds of our readers. And naturally, she's all over Rocky Tugger like white on rice.)

Tugger: It ain't easy being me.

Bomb: (sings)

Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me

I want to be diiiiiirty!

Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me,

Creature ooooof the night!

(Magriza and Colrumplia see Jellnet and Rocky Tugger cavorting, and make fun of them.)

Rumple: Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me

Griz: I want to be diiiirty!

Rumple: Thrill me chill me fulfill me

Griz: Creature of the night!

Bomb: Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me!

I want to be diiiiiirty!

Thrill me chill me fulfill me

Creature of the night!

Tugger: Creature of the night

Other cats: NEXT!

Munku: Creature of the night?

Other cats: NEXT!

Mac: Creature of the night.

Other cats: NEXT!

Griz: Creature of the night.

Other cats: NEXT!

Rumpus: Creature of the night.

Other Cats: NEXT!

Rumple: Creature o' the noight!

Other cats: NEXT!

Tugger: Creature of the night!

Other cats: NEXT!

Bomb: Creature of the night! Oh!

(We cut to another room in the house. Big Mac N. Furters is whipping the stuffing out of Riff Rumpus.)

Rumpus: Oooooowwww! Meerrrrrcy!

Mac: How did it happen? You were supposed to be watching!

Rumpus: I was only away for a minute, master.

Jemi: Plotting on how to get out of this dumb fanfic, no doubt.

Mac: Well, see if you can find him on the monitor!

Rumpus: Master, we have a visitor.

Munku: I know him! Guscotty! Dr. Everett Guscott!

Bustopher: Biscotti? Where?

(Dr. Everett Guscott races through the castle in a wheelchair. Since we couldn't afford a wheelchair, he's in a discarded baby stroller which Misto has rigged to run by itself.)

Gus: This is so embarrassing.

Rumpus: You know this earthling...er, cat?

Munku: I most certainly do! He happens to be an old friend of mine!

Mac: I see. So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose.

Demi: You know, for the Napoleon of Crime, he's getting awful paranoid.

Tanti: That's a GOOD thing!

Munku: I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth!

(So anyway, we find out that Dr. Guscott has quit teaching at Cat-ton High School for a government job investigating UFO's.)

Rumpus: The intruder is entering the building, master.

Mac: He'll probably be in the Zen room. Shall we inquire of him in person?

Munku: Great Scott!

(the kittens throw toilet paper on the stage.)

Tumble: I sure hope you saw that coming, Munkustrap.

Vic: I know the readers did!

(Munkustrap indignantly removes toilet paper from his head.)

Gus: Dr. Big Mac N. Furters, we meet at last.

Munku: Dr. Guscott!

Gus: Brad! What are YOU doing here?

(By now, Big Mac is getting really paranoid. He accuses Dr. Guscott of sending Brad and Jellnet to "check the layout" for him.)

Gus: I can assure you that Brad's presence here comes as a complete surprise to me. I came here to find Mungoeddie.

Munku: Mungoeddie! I've seen him!

Mac: Mungoeddie! What do you know of Mungoeddie, Dr. Guscott?

Gus: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see, Mungoeddie happens to be my nephew.

(At this point, Jellnet...who, if you're still keeping score, is now being played by Bombalurina...and Rocky Tugger come out. Mac, Guscott, and Brad are all surprised at this.)

Mac (to Rocky Tugger): Listen, I made you, and I can break you just as easily.

Female Kittens: DON'T YOU DARE!

Matt: Relax, he's only acting. Oh wait, this is Macavity here. MAC, DON'T LAY A PAW ON HIM! We'll need him for other parodies!

(Magriza interrupts this reunion...)

Griz: Master, dinner is prepared!

Mac: Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.

(Old D has another narration here, but due to time and the fact that the readers are probably bored to death with his ramblings, we'll skip it and cut to the dinner scene. Huge portions of an unknown meat...well it's really taco meat...)

Pounce: Then it really is an unknown meat.

(...are served.)

Old D: Thank the Everlasting Cat!

Mac: A toast...

(kittens throw buttered toast on stage. One piece hits Mac square in the face. He hisses and removes it, then continues.)

Mac:...to absent friends.

All: To absent friends.

Mac: And to Rocky Tugger. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Rocky...

(he cuts it off. Jellnet is the only one singing.)

Shall we?

Gus: Ve came here to discuss Mungoeddie.

Rumple (who was distraught at how the character of Mungoeddie left this play): Mungoeddie?!

(Mac threatens her with an electric carver)

Mac: That's a rather tender subject.

Vic: Ewwww!

Cet: I don't get it.

Tumble: They, uh, are having Mungoeddie for dinner. Literally.

Matt: Way to give it away, Tumblebrutus.

Vic: Excuse me. (we hear vomiting coming from the cat box)

Mac: Another slice anyone?

Rumple: Excuse me...

Gus: I knew he was in with a bad crowd, but it was worse than I imagined. Aliens!

Munku and Bomb: Dr. Guscott!

Mac: Go on, Dr. Guscott, or should I say, Dr. Von Guscott?

Munku: Just what are you implying?

Carb: That this show is lame.

Gus: It's all right.

Munku: But Dr. Guscott...

Gus: That's all right Brad.

(breaks into song)

From the day he vas born

He vas trouble.

He vas de thorn

In his mother's side.

She tried in vain,

But he never cause her nothing but shame.

He left home de day she died!

(music perks up)

From de day she vas gone

Backstage Cats: Bop sh'bop bop

Gus: All he vanted

Backstage Cats: Bop sh'bop bop

Gus: Vas rock and roll, girls, und a motorbike.

Backstage Cats: Wooooooo...

Gus: Shooting up junk...

Old D: He was a low down cheap little punk!

Gus: Taking everyone for a ride!

All: When Mungoeddie said he didn't like his teddy you knew he was a no-good kid,

But when he threatened your life with claws that size,

Mac: What a guy!

Bomb: Makes you cry!

Gus: Und I did.

Rumple (from her room): Everybody shoved him.

I very nearly loved him.

I said, hey listen to me

Stay sane inside insanity

But he locked the door and threw away the key! (screams)

Gus: But he must've been drawn

Into zum-zing

Making him varn

Me in a note dot reads...

All: What's it say, what's it say?

Mungo's Voice (from under the table):

I'm out of my head,

Oh hurry, or I may be dead!

They mustn't carry out their evil deeds!

(screams)

All: When Mungoeddie said he didn't like his teddy you knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he threatened your life with claws that size

Mac: What a guy!

Bomb: Makes you cry!

Gus: Und I did.

All: When Mungoeddie said he didn't like his teddy you knew he was a no-good kid.

But when he threatened your life with claws that size

Mac: What a guyyyyyy...

Bomb: Makes you cry..

Gus: Und...I....diiiiiiiid.

All: Mungoeddie.

(At this, Dr. Mac whips the tablecloth off the table, and we find the "slaughtered" remains of Mungoeddie...)

Mungo: 'Ey, you wanna put the tablecloth back on? Oi'm troiyin' ta sleep!

Matt: Mungo...you're supposed to be dead...oh well.

(Anyhow, what follows next is everyone chasing everyone else around the castle, ending when Mac sticks everyone to the floor using a special device. He then turns everyone except Riff-Rumpus and Magriza to stone, and sets them up for the big production number...)

All: The floor show!

(In the interest of time, we'll cut to the floor show. Statues of Colrumplia, Rocky Tugger, Brad and Jellnet are on a stage.)

Rumple (unfreezes and sings):

It was groit when it all began.

I was a regular Mackie fan.

But it was owver when 'e 'ad the plan

To start workin' on a muscleman.

No the only thing that gives me 'ope,

Is my love of a certain dope.

Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

Tugger (unfreezes and sings):

I'm just seven hours old,

And truly beautiful to behold.

Lec: You can say that again.

Cet: Mmm-hmmm.

Tugger: And somebody should be told

My...er...OK. I'm not singing this part. I'll just cut to the chase...

Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

Munku (unfreezes): It's beyond me, HEEEEEEELP me Mommy!

Misto: Easy on the ears, Munku!

Munku: I'll be good, you'll see, take this dream away!

What's this, let's see, I'm a bad kitty!

What's come over me? No! Here it comes again!

Bomb (unfreezes and sings): I feel released, bad times decease

My confidence has increased, reality is here.

The game has been disbanded, my mind has been expanded

It's a gas that Mackie's landed! His lust is so sincere...

(We then hear a fanfare and see a mock RKO Pictures logo. Mac shows up in a bustier and fishnets.)

Mac (sings): Whatever happened to Fay Wray?

That delicate, satin-draped frame

As it clung to her thigh

How I started to cry

'cause I wanted to be dressed just the same...

(The backstage cats are rolling over laughing at the concept of the villainous Macavity singing these lyrics. Anyhow, since the rest of the lyrics are a bit too R-rated, we'll cut to the chorus.)

Mac: Don't dream it, be it.

All: Don't dream it, be it...

(A chorus of backstage cats repeats this line as the floor show cats all jump into a giant swimming pool. But as we all know, and as they all forgot, cats hate water, so instead of swimming around sensually, they splash around, yowl, and hiss.)

Matt: Darn. I KNEW this was gonna happen.

Gus: Ach. Ve got to get out of dis trap before dis decadence snaps our wills. I've got to be strong and try to hang on...or else my mind may vell snap, and my life will be lived...(reveals a pair of fishnets on his legs and sings last part) FOR THE THRIIIIIIILLS!

(The other floor show cats have by this time jumped out of the pool, and are freezing.)

All (shivering): D-d-d-d-d-d-on't d-d-d-dream it, be it.

Munku: It's beyond me, help me Mommy!

Bomb: God bless Lily St. Cyr.

Mac: (continues) My my my my my my my my!

I'm a wild and untamed thing

I'm a bee with a deadly sting.

You get a hit and your mind goes ping

Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.

So let the party and the sounds rock on.

We're gonna shake it till the life has gone.

Rose tint my world, keeps me safe from the trouble and pain.

(The cast sings this twice, then the party is interrupted by Riff-Rumpus and Magriza. Riff-Rumpus's fireball-red eyes are now flashing, and Magriza's hair is now worn up. Both are wearing silver space suits and carrying laser guns.)

Rumpus: Mac N. Furters, it's all over!

Your mission is a failure, your lifestyle's too extreme.

I'm your new commander, you are now my prisoner.

We return to Transylvania, prepare the transit beam!

Mac: Wait! I can explain!

(the music slows down)

Mac: On the day I went away...

Munku, Tugger, Bomb, Rumple, Gus: Goodbye...

Mac: Was all I had to say...

Munku, Tugger, Bomb, Rumple, Gus: Now I....

Mac: I want to come again and stay.

Munku, Tugger, Bomb, Rumple, Gus: Oh my my...

Mac: Smile, and that will mean I maaaaaaay...

Lec: Wow, I didn't know Macavity could sing like that!

Mac: 'Cause I've seen, oh, blue skies

Through the tears in my eyes

And I realize, I'm going home!

(The cats who had been previously razzing Macavity are now mesmerized by his performance of this song. Everyone stops dead in their tracks and watches him.)

Munku, Tugger, Bomb, Rumple, Gus: I'm going home.

Mac: Everywhere it's been the same...

Munku, Tugger, Bomb, Rumple, Gus: Feeling...

Mac: Like I'm outside in the rain...

Munku, Tugger, Bomb, Rumple, Gus: Wheeling...

Mac: Free to try and find a game...

Munku, Tugger, Bomb, Rumple, Gus: Dealing...

Mac: Cards for sorrow, cards for paaaaaain...

'Cause I've seen, oh, blue skies

Through the tears in my eyes

And I realize, I'm going home.

(The cats are extremely moved. Even Jellylorum and Old Deuteronomy cry, and so do Rumpus Cat and Griz, even though they're not supposed to. But they quickly go back into character.)

All: I'm going hooooome!

Griz: (coldly) How sentimental.

Rumpus: And also presumptuous of you. You see, when I said WE were to return to Transylvania, I only referred to Magriza and myself. I'm sorry, however, if you found us misleading, but you see, you are to remain here, in spirit, anyway.

Vic: They can't kill him! Not after that beautiful song!

Gus: Great heavens, dot's a laser!

Misto: No kidding.

Rumpus: Yes, Dr. Guscott. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter.

Pounce: Then it doesn't matter, right?

Tanti and Cori: Oooooh, lousy pun.

Munku: You mean...you're going to kill him? What's his crime?

Gus: You saw what became of Mungoeddie. Society must be protected.

Rumpus: Exactly, Dr. Guscott. And now, Big Mac N. Furters, say goodbye to all this...and hello to OBLIVION!

(Colrumplia stands in between them. She gets zapped and falls back, dead. But don't worry folks, she's only PLAYING dead.)

Rumple: Watch those lightning bolts, Misto! Oi wasn't meant to be charbroiled!

(Mac tries to climb a curtain. Riff-Rumpus and Magriza fire their lasers...laser beams courtesy of Misto...and he falls.)

Mac: OWWW! That hurt!

Matt: You're supposed to be dead...grrr, never mind.

(At this, Rocky Tugger beats his chest, and climbs to the top of the RKO radio tower with Mac's body on his back. Riff-Rumpus and Magrizza zap, zap, zap him until they both fall in the pool, dead.)

Mac and Tugger: MRRAAAGGHHH! WATER!

Tugger: At least it's putting out the burning sensation we're getting from those laser bolts!

Mac: Yeah, Misto, don't go for accuracy next time!

Misto: Sorry. Just wanted it to look realistic.

Matt: And those laser bolts sure were realistic.

Tugger: So's the pain we feel from being on the receiving end of them!

Matt: Er, guys, you're supposed to be...oh, never mind. Let's just finish this thing and go get tacos.

Munku: Good Everlasting Cat!

Bomb: You killed them!

Griz: But I thought you liked them. They liked you.

Rumpus: They didn't like me! HE NEVER LIKED ME!!!!!

Plato: Watch the overacting, Rumpus Cat!

Gus: You did right.

Jelly: And I did right by bailing out on this violent, immoral thing! I do have standards that I have to live up to for the kittens, you know.

Rumpus: A decision had to be made.

Gus: You're OK by me.

Rumpus: Dr. Guscott, I'm sorry about your nephew.

Gus: Mungoeddie? Yes, well, perhaps it was all for the best, heh heh heh.

Backstage Cats: Oooooh, that's cold.

Rumpus: You should leave now, while it's still possible. We are about to transport the entire house to the planet Transsexual in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go, now! Our noble mission is completed, my most beautiful sister, and soon we shall return to the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet.

Griz: Ah, sweet Transsexual, land of night. To sing and dance once more to your dark refrain. The Jellicle moon is shining bright...

Matt: WRONG SHOW!

Griz: Sorry. To take that step to the right...

Rumpus: But it's the pelvic THRUST

That drives you insane!

Both: And our world will do the Time Warp AGAIN!

(The house flies off into the night.)

Matt: Wow, Misto, how'd you pull that off?

Misto: Simple. I just siphoned some of the fuel out of Old Deuteronomy's tire.

Old D: You'd better fill it up again before the next Jellicle Ball, Mistoffelees!

Munku (sings):
I've tried a lot, the Everlasting Cat knows I've tried

To find the truth, I've even lied

But all I know is down inside I'm bleeding...

Bomb:
And superheroes come to the feast

To taste the flesh not yet deceased

And all I know is still the beast is feeding...

(We cut back to Old D's study.)

Old D: And crawling on the planet's face

Some insects, called the Jellicle race...

Lost in time, and lost in space,

And meaning.

All: Meaning.

(All the cats run on stage for the big finish.)

All: Science Fiction, double feature

Mac has built and lost his creature.

Jellylorum walked out on

Playing Janet

We all look like we're

From another planet

Oh oh oh oh...

'Cause the director had us spoof this crazy show.

WE WANNA GO!

Oh oh oh.

Get us out of this wacko parody show.

Matt: Those aren't the words...oh well.

Skimble: They reflect our sentiments.

Matt: Whatever. But you guys did a good job.

Jelly: Macavity, I had no idea you could sing that beautifully.

Mac: Just don't let it get out, OK?

THE END

Veroni: (walks in on the departing crowd) Who wants takeout?! I ordered Taco Bell for all! Extra meaty!!

Cats: AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! ICCCCCCCCKKKKKKYYYYYYYY!!!!! (they all race to the bathroom and we hear some fascinating sounds.)

Veroni: What did I say?

Kel: It involved the meat and certain canabalism, sis. (pukes in a bucket)

Veroni: Ah well. (picks up a Taco and munches happilly)