Author: What a lovely day for fic!

Munkustrap: (whispers) Okay, Mac, tell her . . .

Macavity: Do I have to? It probably won't work . . .

Munku: Just do it!

Mac: Ah-em--on behalf of the cast and crew, I'd like to voice the opinion that we've been working on this fic too long without a break. Union rules--

Author: Union? What union?

Mac: The Union for the Ethical Treatment of Fanfic Characters--amazingly large one too . . . Anyway, to comply with union rules, we require five more rest breaks, more compensation in the form of catnip--

Munku: (mutters) Which also serves to dull the agony of these parodies . . .

Mac: --and a shrubbery . . . Wait a minute! Which joker put that in? Er, forget the last bit . . .

Author: So? I'm the author and I say we're going back to work . . .

All: Auuuurrrrrrgghhhhhh!!!

Mac: Told ya so . . .

Where we left off last, the world as we know it had just been saved and Jemima and Pouncival were cheating on Vicky and Plato--

Bomb: Y'know, I never thought I'd ever hear that . . . You kittens are so cute and sweet--

Jemima: That doesn't mean we don't entertain bad thoughts--er, not that I'm saying that we do that . . .

Pounce: Yeah! (mumbles) She still thinks I'm a kitten . . . *sniff*

This was A Very Bad Thing. However, the hormones just wouldn't let them be and it developed like a bad habit . . .

Jelly: I thought we had that talk about the birds and the bees already!

Jemi: We're not doing anything, Aunt Jelly--at least not like Misto and 'Lectra . . .

Misto and Electra: (glares)

"I'll--I'll do a de-lust spell! Yeah--that's it . . . No more hormonal urges . . ." Jemima thought to herself.

Jemi: I'm going to try magic to solve a problem when it's been proven that magic fails almost all the time--and I'm supposed to be the genius here? Real smart, aren't I?

And so the story goes on and on with even more improbable plot twists. . .

Demi: This is going kinda fast . . .

Author: We're condensing eppies again . . .

Cue some more plot . . .

One dark and stormy night . . .

SFX: (thunder, rain and lightning) Best we can do with a metal sheet, a garden hose and Misto . . .

. . . A car came down the highway and smashed into the sign "Welcome to Junkyard. Pop. 1234 (and decreasing)".

Munku: That's vandalism, that is . . .

And Tugger stumbled out of the car, drunk as a skunk (but still drooly).

Tugger: Why am I back here again?!?!?!?

Author: Because I read the Labyrinth spoof with you as Jareth in tight pants and I thought of you? 'kay, it was really in the plot--and I like eppies with Spike in, so . . .

Tugger: Auuuuurrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!

Bomba: Do I have to be here?

Author: Actually, no . . .

Bomba: Yeeeeesssssssss!

Tugger: Awww---

Bomb: You're on yer own now, Tuggy-babe . . .

In the meanwhile, Misto was lamenting his fate. "Angst, angst, angst, lament, lament--yeah, look at me, I'm suffering . . ."

Author: Misto!

Misto: 'kay, 'kay, I'll behave . . .

"Oh woe is me!" Misto lamented. "My unlife sucks, I hurt the people I love, I can't love the girl I love, nobody loves me, I have to suffer for my sins blah blah blah . . . I'll just wall myself up in a dark and gloomy mansion and brood for all eternity . . ."

Misto: Depressed much? My character needs a life . ..

Author: You're supposed to be suffering beautifully--

Electra: How do you do that?

Unknown to him, Tugger had came to the mansion and was watching him.

Etc: Ooooh, Misto's got a stalker . . .

"Aw lookit 'im! The big pansy!" Tugger was muttering while half drunk. "He'll turn to goth poetry next an' we'll never 'ear the end of it . . . Geez, if brooding was an Olympic sport, he'd get first place . . ."

Misto: Unfortunately that might just be true . . .

Tugger: Just don't ever try the poetry bit, please?

Instead of slugging it out the old way, Tugger decided to take the indirect route and put a curse on Misto--despite the fact that he seemed to be suffering just fine on his own . . .

Bomb: And because he's probably too plastered to see straight, much less fight . . .

So he went down to the local magic shop to find something lasting and preferably painful.

Tugger: Meddling with the occult now? This is not a smart plan--that's why I leave the magic stuff to Misto . . .

Misto: You know that gets tiring after a while? Every time everyone says "Well you can do it your way--y'know, with *ma-jick*"--and they wiggle their little fingers (wiggles his fingers) like so!

Tugger: Er--

Misto: (warms up to the topic) I mean, Cori and Tantomile have magic too! Why doesn’t anyone ask *them*? I think I need a break from this magic cat business . . .

Author: You can do that--after this spoof . . .

"What are you looking for?" asked the shoplady (i.e. Jelly in a cameo)

"Something for an old friend . . ."

"Anything specific?"

"What about the pox? Or leprosy?"

"Ooo, nasty stuff--we don't advise our customers to do that . . ."

Tugger gave her a look and the shoplady scuttled away to see to another customer. Who just happened to be Jemima.

"This looks like the start of a love spell," the shoplady said while muttering, "Kids, the things they do these days for love . . ."

"Er, no, not a love spell--the anti love spell!" Jemima said.

But this gave Tugger an idea . . .

Bomb: Tell me, was it lonely in there?

Tugger: Hey!

Bomb: I couldn't resist . . .

And after he had a quick lunch, he ran off after Jemima.

Jelly: Can I go now?

Author: Yep, you're officially Pollicle food--no flashbacks of this either . . .

Jelly: (relieved) Good! (realizes something) I'm dead?

Author: Pollicle bite--

All: Not the most lethal thing around, but it works for uncredited extras . . .

Meanwhile, just so that the other villains get a workout and so Tugger doesn't exactly became the main villain . . .

Tugger: I'm not the main villain? Then what do you call injuring and abducting the main cast?

Author: It's a plot twist to adjust the audience so that they'll like you more and so that you can fit in easily in Season Four as a regular . . .

Tugger: Now that's even worse . . .

The Mayor was receiving the news from his associate Mr. R.

"We have info that Tugger has returned."

All: And we've known this, oh, since about 4 HTML doc pages before . . .

"Oh dear, is that bad? Hmm, yes that's bad," Bustopher said through a mouthful of chicken. "Send the boys to run him out, there's a good chap. Can't have anything ruining my Big Plans to take over the world as we know it, can we?"

Bustopher: Mmmm, this villain-gig isn't so bad . . . At least I get to eat . . .

GRC: And I get to be the second banana to the main villain again . . . First Mac, then *Bustopher Jones*--I need an agent . . .

Author: We'll work something out later--first this parody . . .

In the Jemima-Pouncival subplot, Jemima has called Pounce to the school lab where she was doing the de-lusting spell--

All: Using school equipment too . . .

"A spell? Didn't we learn last season that spells were bad thing?"

"Actually, we skipped that one eppie last season--but we're going to do this spell anyway--"

They did not get to do the spell.

Pounce: We wised up?

This was because Tugger had came in and cat-naped them.

Pounce: Watch it Tugger!

Tugger: I'm trying to make it look real. And it was only a light tap . . .

Pounce: Light? That was light?

Back to the plot, after the cat-napping, where Tugger is busy getting his daily dose of liquid primer and ranting and raving like a lunatic in the old warehouse hideout . . .

"Er, question? Why did you cat-nap *me* and Pounce?" Jemima asked.

"Bomba left me!"

Etcetera: She *what*?

All: (gasp) No!

Etc: If *she* doesn't want you, I do, Tuggy-Wuggy-kins . . .

"And you went out to get tanked? Typical male . . . Still don't see what's this got to do with me . . ."

But Tugger was going on and on. "I mean I don't see why she left me for a yucky Chaos demon! He wasn't even half as cute as me . . ."

Munku: Or had such an inflated ego . . .

"I did everything fer her! I took her to Paris! I brought her rats with the morning paper! They were *fresh* too!"

Bomb: Charming . . .

"I mean what does it take to woo a girl? I can't ever understand queens . . . whine . . . whine . . ."

Tugger: Geez, look at me--I'm *pathetic*!

Author: In a cute way . . .

"So?" Jemima asked when she finally woke up after being bored to sleep by his whining.

"Er, what was I saying? Righto, we're going to do a love spell!"

"Love spell?"

"Yeah, witchcraft, voodoo, Love Potion No. Nine--"

Author: I feel a song coming up!

Tugger sings--complete with back-up dancers!

Queens: Eeeeeeeeeee!!!!

I took my queen troubles down to the town of Junkyard,

You know that kitten with the big cute eyes,

She's got a solution to this little jones o' mine,

Gotta get me some o' that Love Potion Number Nine!

I told her that I was a flop with chicks,

I've been this way since Bomby left me dry,

She looked at me and gave a little sigh,

"I don't think I should get you your Love Potion Number Nine!"

I bent down and turned around and said, "Girl, you better re-think!"

She said "Nope, nada, nay. And you stink!"

And I said, "Or your boyfriend gets more than just a little kink!"

She gaps and frowns, she's on the brink!

"When you want it?" "By tonight!"

"Then I'll get outta this town and outta sight!"

"Alright! You'll get your Love Potion Number Nine!"

I'm gonna get my little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine!

(Spoofed along to the tune of Love Potion No. 9 by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller)

Queens: Eeeeeeeeeee!!!! Tugger!!!!

Author: Er, Tugger you can stop the hip-swiveling now . . . you're distracting . . . er, everyone . . .

"Okay, okay, you've got a deal--but we need the special magic ingredients . . ."

"What special magic ingredients?"

"The special magic ingredients that you'll have to get from the magic shop and so advance the dumb plot."

"Oh *those* special magic ingredients . . ."

And so Tugger had to go grocery shopping--but by an amazing coincidence, he meets up with Misto and Electra out looking for the missing Slayerettes.

"Okay wise guy--where's Jemima and Pounce?" Electra asked after they had him cornered and pinned down.

"He's probably got them hidden in the old hideout," Misto said, bored.

"Eh, ah . . ." Tugger thought real fast. "Ha! I'm not that stupid, mate! Tell yer wot--you help me and I give you your little friends back."

Electra: And we trust this guy?

"Much as I hate this, I think we have to make a deal with him . . ."

"Do I have to put up with him?" Misto asked. "We could just stake him--"

"Hey--it's all your fault, yer great big wanker!"

"What's your love life got to do with me?" Misto asked.

"Bomb left me because of *you*. Yer a blinkin' poof, that's what you are!"

"Can we have an actual conversation with some content instead of you insulting me?"

"Hmmm, maybe if the author exhausts her supply of Brit-sounding insults for me to use . . ."

Tugger: It's amazing what the censors let through on TV these days . . .

Misto: I realized that . . .

"You should sort out your own love life--"

"Speak for yourselves! You and yer bird--you're pretendin' you don't love each other--but you ain't foolin' no one. You'll fight, you'll have angst, you'll love until you--"

Misto and Electra looked at each other and inched away uncomfortably.

Electra: We're getting love advice from *him*? Scary . . .

Bomb: That he's giving advice or that he's right?

"So stuff that talk 'bout love and let's get this done with!"

But according to prime-time TV melodrama rule #3, the heroes plus the tagalong villain for the week had to mix it around with Pollicles sent by the Mayor in the magic shop.

Author: Stunt people! Extras--where are the extras?

Munku: We're recycling them as quickly as we can!

Cassandra: I don't believe you're dragging all of us into it . . .

Author: No time for chit-chat! You can land on your feet, right? So get out there and make like an action scene . . .

"Cor--I feel like a new man!" Tugger said after pounding a few Pollicles into dust.

All: Or Pollicle . . .

"Wha?"

"Stuff the love spell--I'll win Bomba back my way!" Tugger said and walked out. "Oh, and your little friends are in the old warehouse hideout . . ."

"You have to the count of three to get out before I stake you," Electra said after they realized that they had been duped.

"Fine--enjoy yourselves, children . . ."

Cass: I just realized something, if he was a Cockney-speaking Pollicle, then wouldn't he sound like Mungo and Rumple or something?

Tugger: You mean like "Garn!" and "'enry 'iggins"? You can't sound tough when you sound like Eliza Doolittle!

Author: And besides, we couldn't take the risk that the readers wouldn't understand him . . .

Mungo and Rumple: 'ey! Woi r'sont 'at!

All: Huh?

Author: No time for that, we need to fast forward the subplot bit where Electra, Misto, Plato and Vicky go to find Jemima and Pouncival . . .

Jemima: Only they find them snogging?

Author: Yeah--so that Vicky can get mad and Plato can get all silent and broody--

Misto: I thought that was my job . . .

And we have to end with the obligatory cute scene where Tugger drives out of Junkyard, singing along to the punk version of "My Way".

All: Oh no . . .

Author: Nope, no time . . .

Tugger: Too bad . . .